WTFH

Topher: Tired. Can we get through this?

Peter: Naturally. As soon as you ( stop whining )

Topher: 'm sleepy.

Peter: And I’m thrilled to know about it.

Topher: Squirrels took my pillow.

Peter: I’m sure you’ll get it back if you throw a few nuts at them.

Topher: ...well, I don't have any.

Peter: Third drawer to the right.

*sounds of a brief scuffle*

Topher: ...and now they're using it as a plate. THANKS.

Peter: It’s not my fault you’re too hapless to deal with them.

( Zzzzzzz radio. )

Topher: ...this is weird.

Peter: This is radio. We do it every week. You may remember it.

Topher: I mean I feel... never mind.

Peter: Jaye isn’t paying us-- not paying us-- to feel. She’s paying us to read notes. Chop chop, I have really important... homework to get back to.

Topher: Of course you do.

Peter: Look, the... homework came in this morning and I’m assured that it’s vital, okay? ( Let's move on. )

Peter: Hello, good morning. Just for the record, yes, this is Peter Wiggin, and yes, you probably woke up with breasts this morning. No matter what your chest’s status was last night. We’ve checked that.

Topher: Make them go away I don't like them I don't like them...

Peter: Look, they’ll probably be gone by the end of the weekend. Stop going fetal position.

Topher: I just don't like them, okay?!

Peter: Yes, I got that idea on the walk over here.

( Here's What You Did Yesterday. )

Aaaand good morning, Fandom! We've got a few more notes here than last week, so hopefully the squirrels will be feeling a little less experimental today...

*sad tuba noise*

Put that down. It's not cute; it's just heavy. So. Let's just tear into these notes so I can get back to work bed, shall we? Over in the dorms, Natalie played the piano - I'm sorry I missed that - and Kate stopped by to discuss the absence of pianos in her homeworld. Or at least the lack of piano playing. Considering what you've told me, that doesn't really surprise me. Elphaba actually manages to succesfully run the gauntlet by identifying Natalie as someone who isn't Kate Gregson. Congratulations. I think you get a prize.

Stephanie went outside to enjoy the cold night air, while Luke shoved all of his roommate's things into the closet. People, clean up after yourselves in the future? It's just obnoxious not to.

Anyway, professor Madrox was in his office, where he got a phone call from someone named Jeff. Apparently the squirrels are throwing some kind of half-party, half-terrified-cowering-session up here. I have no idea why, besides that 'monkeys and lesbians' were the topic of conversation.

In town, Quinn enjoyed her new haircut at the hotel. Shira unpacked inventory at the Magic Box, while William enjoyed his tea at Stark Industries. Don't spill anything. Raven and Jono were on a date at Cafe Fina, and it was deemed 'only slightly awkward'. Good work, kids. You'll be moving one grade up the curve yet!

Kitty bummed around the Perk watching people when she was suddenly interrupted by Professor Gardner, who's taking a semester off from teaching you folks to serve drinks at Caritas.

Don't turn into an alcoholic, ex-Professor Gardner; it would be unseemly.

And that was all for yesterday's news! Have a good one.

Hey, folks, good morning, and welcome back to the world of the living. Hope you've been spending the past few days recuperating I haven't from the last few weeks.

Anyway, I'm happy to report our squirrels are doing fine--

*loud chittering*

--and we're here to serve you up another big splat of the news of the day.

( News! Get it here! )

*loud and excessive chittering*

Hello, Fandom. I'd like to apologise in advance for the squirrels. They've been hitting the rum a little hard lately, and I think they've started to display some paranoid delusions--

*chittering*

...and apparently now they want praise because they've managed to write 'Apocalypse Now!' on the walls in berry juice. Yeah, I think you're cut off for the night.

*cheeeeet!*

I don't care.

( Peter Is Totally Okay Radio. )

And that's the way to do it. Keep working, keep playing, keep dreaming. Whenever you have free time, stop by the library. Help us out. Fandom keeps a great deal of knowledge, and there's going to be something in here somewhere.

...

Squirrels, now you can play me out.

*dramatic music starts playing again*

Thank you, Fandom. Good luck, and good night.

*dramatic music keeps playing as Peter leaves the station*

Good morning, Fandom. I hope I'm catching you all awake and ready for another school day. If not, grab a cup of coffee, open up your laptops, and enjoy your day off.

Here's the news, as brought to you by WTFH news!

( The Day We Brought The News. )

And I think that's all you did today, so have a good one, and check in again tomorrow!

Good morning, Fandom! Peter Wiggin here for WTFH radio, bringing you all the news that's not fit to print, so we read it on the air instead. Hold on to your hats, because we've got an exceptionally short stack of notes for you!

( The Amazing Small Stack of Notes Says... )

Good morning, Fandom. I've got a garbled message sitting on my voicemail from your usual host... *pause* ... 'Big Texas Butters' ... about being grounded. Apparently while our squirrels can tag along to Canada, Colorado is just one bridge too far.

*chittering*

Look, I don't like this any more than you do. And put the glitter flags down. I brought a shovel.

Back in the old homestead, Professor Madrox has usurped the school building and is currently redecorating the teacher offices. Professors? You might want to hurry back before matters really get out of hand. Pink fuzzy bunnies, meese and Jello have already been spotted, and it's only a matter of time before things get worse.

Elsewhere, Rapunzel is enjoying the quiet of the dorms - my thoughts are with you - with some cookies and a book. And that's it, because the rest of you were here. Formerly Newfoundland.

( And now, cruise news! )

And that's all you did yesterday, folks. Professors? Make sure to call home and check in on Professor Madrox. I think the isolation might be getting to him.

Morning, folks, and welcome to another WTFH broadcast. I'm sure you're all dying to find out what's been going on with your classmates in the past 24 hours, what with everyone living such fascinating lives.

*chittering*

Yes, of course I am. Now give me the notes.

*thwock*

...not wrapped around an acorn.

Damn, it's hard to get good help around here, isn't it?

( And here we go radio! )

Morning, folks! This is Peter Wiggin, and I'm back on the air for another semester, pouring through these squirrel notes in search of the truth. Or at least, the few kernels of news actually worth knowing.

But let's not waste time and get started, shall we?

( Pretending To Be Cheery Radio. )

Morning, folks! I hope you've all got a very good night's rest. It's break week, after all. Who needs a sock hop to party?

Anyway, here's what you did yesterday that the squirrels found fit to print.

Quinn planned out the new school year yesterday, like a smart little camper. Alexander took some time to pack up and get himself ready to bust the hell out of here. Nathan didn't put nearly as much thought into any of it - he was busy poisoning his lungs on the deck. And in news that's sure to bring a smile to everyone's faces, Sam Puckett is no longer a honey badger. And apparently the events that lead up to this have once again horribly traumatised Topher, which means I think he has immunity from getting punched in the face by girls for the day.

But just the day.

A whole string of mourners set up outside Sookie's room, as she was getting ready to leave. Raven is the first one in line for a teary goodbye. Emma is next, though she comes bearing promises of orgies. You have to give it to her, the girl knows a party. Bobby the I'm-taking-he's-the-boyfriend offers Sookie some goodbye snuggles, while Karla supplied the goodbye pouting. Thanks, Karls. Simon offers his big sib a goodbye, and Rinoa just wants to make sure Sookie sticks to this place like rubber.

Professor Columbus Ohio tried to escape the island yesterday morning, with failure as his only result. Ow. I'm sorry, professor, that's got to sting. Elsewhere, Professor Ghanima discusses the pregnancy of someone called Alice with someone called Leto. I don't know who these people are, but it sounds a little talkshow-y already. Then Leto reassured Alice right after - which is slightly more touchy-feely, so maybe we should just leave those kids to their private lives. On the causeway, Karla got her boyfriend a minivan for their anniversary. Wow, sis, you sure know how to make a man happy. Minivans are the manly man's choice in transportation. You're a lucky man, Warren.

*brief silence, snickering in the background*

...In working news, Butters is working on what I presume is his very own tinfoil hat. Nice going, Butters, buddy. Angelica was early at the Gig, while Alex Russo bustled through her last shift. Victor tried to go through his summer vegetable collection before summer takes a hike into the sunset, and Momoko was also hard at work during her very last shift.

Jake got horse feed at Caritas, and I suddenly feel a lot less confident about their mixed drinks. Across town, Jack Sparrow had a half-off-for-graduates special going on, which Sookie took advantage of. Then Jessica took advantage of Sookie.

The chance to talk to Sookie.

Finally, Sookie made her last goodbye visit to Eric, owner of that fine establishment. I'm sure it was emotional.

And speaking of emotional, that's the end of today's broadcast. I hope you have a good time today, and don't feel afraid to let those tears flow.

Hello, Fandom. I'm hoping everyone's patched up and back on the horse after what happened last week. Remember that it could have been a tragedy, but it wasn't. Many of you worked tirelessly to avert what could have been, and I think I speak for most when I say thank you.

I don't know what would have happened if you hadn't done as you did. I certainly wouldn't be talking to you right now.

It seems almost banal to return to the store-openings and classes of our regular schedule. But maybe it's time for life to return to normal in earnest.

( This is what we call 'Locke Radio'. )

Hey there, Fandom! I hope you've all snapped back to your normal selves-- *thwock* --as the squirrels certainly have, because it's been one rollicking weekend, hasn't it?

*dead silence*

But nevermind. We've got info on what you guys have been doing all day yesterday, and I'm sure you're ( dying to hear it. )

Good morning, students! I'd like to thank you all for voting me into this position-- ow-- and I hope to acclimatize to our hard-working staff-- OW!-- as soon as possible. I know we all appreciate their-- CUT IT OUT-- input and dedication to the craft of kidnapping people news-gathering.

*thwock*

No, seriously, do that one more time and we're done here.

*thwock*

I'm looking at you. Ahem. Sorry for that interruption, everyone. Hopefully it won't turn into a regular problem. Everyone needs some time to get used to each other, am I right? Good.

So here's everything you did yesterday. Within reason, of course.

( Way Too Smug Radio. )

Anyway, that was all the news fit for the airwaves! Thanks again for voting me in -- you won't regret it. Have a good one!