WTFH

RORY!RITA: *Rory Gilmore's voice, but with a stuffy-sounding British accent* Hello, Fandom, this is Professor Ms. Rita Skeeter, broadcasting to you via magic outside my home as per usual! There's been a slight accident, but -

RITA!RORY: *Rita Skeeter's voice, but with an American accent, and much more fast-paced than normal* OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL?

RORY!RITA: Ms. Gilmore, watch your language. I told you, the effects will wear off in an hour. It's your own fault for drinking something that didn't belong to you.

RITA!RORY: YOU STOLE MY HAIR, LADY.

RORY!RITA: Ms. Gilmore. Please. It is time for the news.

( CUT FOR IT IS LONG AND I AM INSANE )

RITA!RORY: Okay, we're done, and while I have this voice, I would like to say that - you know, people, you might want to record this? I, Rita Skeeter, love John Crichton with all my hear -

RORY!RITA: *shrieking* And I...smell bad!

RITA!RORY: THEN WHY ARE YOU STILL PLAYING WITH MY HAIR?

RORY!RITA: Because, I wan - *voice starts changing* *seconds pass* ...I'm me again.

RORY: OH THANK GOD.

RITA: Hey!

RORY: *sounds of running* DON'T CATCH THE PLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGUE, PROFFESSOR!

"Good evening, boys, girls and assorted others. I'm tired, it's been a long day, and I'm all out of patience.

Classes and so on

We start off the day with Advanced Criminal Justice, where someone with a very fake-sounding name comes to guest lecture. Apparently he's Anakin's 'Master.'

...kinky, and this doesn't help your ongoing campaign to convince me of your orientation, Mr. Skywalker.

Music class, on the other hand, is not kinky. Instead, they watch cartoons, whatever that means. Classics and Foreign Lit read something that sounds like it's horrifically long, and Creature Languages watches a film about some minature merperson. They're not very pleasant, you know. I can't imagine why you'd want to watch them. Last year, at an event I covered? They savagely stole the loved ones of several tiny children. Horrible, really.

Political Campaigning talks about volunteers, and on that all-too-fitting note, I have a recording that I'm helpfully volunteering to share with all of you.

( Josh Lyman's voice: Good afternoon, everybody.... )

Oh, and that reminds me - Josh, we're out of floor wax and bleach. No, don't ask what I was doing with them, or what that scent from my room is. I haven't time to find a decent apothecary, all right?

Speech classes are told to write commencement speeches and talk to people. Such a challenge, really. Arthurian Traditions watches a film, Sociology classes get a study guide, and Carl Jung talks about...his final paper, and I still don't understand why this boy is so important.

Psychology talks about their projects, Archaeology builds virtual pyramids, Business classes go over handouts, and evidently there is baseball in General Physical Conditioning, whatever that is.

Also, the newspaper meets. Here's hoping that the articles this week actually make sense, rather than the drivel I've become to accustomed to seeing.

Announcements today tell us that we're still being randomly deluged with liquids, not that I needed to be told. And now we have the lovely addition of...corn. And the clinic is terribly fascinating. Apparently there are leeches. Lovely.

In the library, Parker and Angela talk about birthdays and Marty, Mr. Wagner gets coffee for Janet in an unusual way, and Janet and Liz talk about the weekend.

In the cafeteria, Pippi dines. This is hardly news, people. Ooh, I just ate a biscuit! Aren't I special! Give me recognition, for I need to be validated!

And in office hours, Alanna visits the vice principal, Grissom stops in to see CJ, and I also held office hours. And no, I don't want to talk about them.

The assistants' lounge is, as usual, unteresting. Belthazor talks to Lana about vacation, and to Kiki about health, attacks, and food. As you do.

Where the children should be sleeping

This morning, Callistie wakes up with Angel, Aeryn tries to talk to the spawn of the underworld about his doppelganger, Nadia dreams, Cameron gets dressed while Kawalsky sleeps, Marty leaves again, Xander sends email, Blair is odd, and Logan...has corn.

...busy morning, children. Why? What's wrong with the afternoon? I didn't even wake until ten today. Why were you all up and busy like little monsters? It's rather frightening, really. Oh, and Angela gets flowers, Pippi puts up posters for a party, and Peter puts up posters for some sort of little game called...'poker.'

That sounds naughty.

On that note, we have an announcement from ( Alanna Trebond )

Later on, Janet and Elizabeth are drenched, Sam...also has corn, Bridge has pre-date jitters - how adorable, really - and a group including hellspawn, Kawalsky, Aeryn and Molly all try to find out what's wrong with Cameron.

Is there something wrong with him, other than the obvious? I mean, I suppose I would probably act strangely if I looked like that, as well. But that's me. I have taste. I certainly can't account for you lot.

Also, Belthazor takes Professor Cregg for a shimmer, whatever the hell that means, and Xander frets over what to wear on his date with Bridge, aww. And after she helps her flailing roommate, Isabel stops by Peter's room to talk about birthdays. Oh, and it seems Victor is dancing on his ceiling. Seen it. Old trick, but nice try, Victor.

And Veronica calls Belthazor because she's worried about Phoebe. And Belthazor talks to Piper and Kiki. Silly children. More on this little tidbit later.

The town of very limited excitement

Someone named Hamish makes an appearance at Professor Harrington's apartment. What an unfortunate name. That giraffe has returned, and I hope he's still living in the shed. He's not allowed near my delicates, do you hear me?

At Sparky Repairs, John Connor does very little. Unlike Ivanova, who seems to be productively giggling to herself. That's a good work ethic, that. And in Giles' shop, Agatha gets new books. As one does, in a bookshop. And in more news of work productivity, Ferdinand reads the paper, and Edmund makes Baldrick work while he makes with the talking. Lazy, lazy man.

Angela, Isabel and Rory all head off to the spa...during the school day. For shame, ladies. Skivving off of classes to go to get facials. I'm ashamed to call you my students. Or, well, fine, I'm ashamed to call Ms. Gilmore my student, since neither of you other two is in my class.

And in Dear Heaven, Tell Me That's Not a Euphemism' news, Camulus and Orlin 'cuddle' or...'something,' Anakin is 'lectured' by his 'Master,' and Alfred 'trains' Walter.

Pip and Pippi come across a pair of piratey ruffians, apparently, and Anakin and his 'Master' have dinner with Rory and her parents. How fun and terribly awkward for the children! Not that those are by any means exclusive states. And the theatre is open AND XANDER AND BRIDGE WILL HAVE A DATE THERE WHEN THEY GET AROUND TO POSTING, DAMN IT.

In the FTEC during the day, Lilly remains dead as Allie remains alive. And in the evening, Allie is visited by Grissom.

Cafe Fina is without patrons, unlike Caritas, where Jarod and Veronica talk about relationships, Veronica offers to teach Archie about computers, and Lana and Kiki wait for Phoebe.

Good luck with that, as it seems Phoebe has gone on a trip or something with someone who looks eerily familiar. I'm not exactly certain - my notes say 'kidnapped,' as that's what Belthazor discovered in the park, but you're all such melodramatic children. So I've no idea. I suggest you ask someone who gives a damn.

And that's it for me, Fandom! Place nice, obey your 'Masters,' and mind the overhead water!"

*splash*

"...oh, hell."

Rita: Hello, Fandom, this is Professor Ms. Rita Skeeter, joined tonight by my darling aides. Say hello, dears!

Callisto: This is what you needed us for?

Rita: Yes. Do you have a problem with this, Callistie?

Callisto: Apart from the fact I could otherwise be scrapbooking with my boyfriend right now? No, none at all.

Krycek: Same here. Why are we helping exactly?

Rita: Because I asked you to? By the way, on a completely unrelated note, I'm doing grades this week.

Callisto: *brightly* I love radio. *mutters* Just because someone hasn't scrapbooked since Wiblur ran off is no reason to punish us.

( Cut because we're flist-conscious )

"Good evening, everyone. This is Professor Ms. ... er. You all know my name. I'm broadcasting to you very quietly from under my bed an undisclosed location, thanks to lovely handwavey magic used in the radio broadcasts back home.

Anyway. There is no particular reason I'm under my bed. Really. Certainly nothing pertaining to...HeWhoMustNotBeNamedOMG.

Classes, which were mainly boring except for one which was really not boring but OMGWTFDARKLORDVIZZLE.

Advanced Criminal Justice works on their group projects, heaven help us all. Classics and Foreign Lit have a quiz and a film, and then in Professor Dream's other class, they had a guest lecturer, and...well, my notes don't say that anyone died. But then again, there are no notations on survivors, either. I expect that we'll see a list posted somewhere at some point. And OMGWTF PROFESSOR DREAM, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Speech classes talk about humor and change, respectively. Ha. Humor. As though we should be joking in times like these, you sick, sick fools. In Jung, Anakin and Angel have a serious conversation, because at least someone is showing due respect for the severity of the situation. And Psych has a free period. My, I hope Jenny is all right. Let's all hope for her, shall we?

Political Campaigning talks about parties. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? And Music learns something musical. I really am having a hard time caring, because, oh, that's right, the most feared dark wizard in my lifetime, if not all time, is just ON HOLIDAY HERE, APPARENTLY.

Ahem. Whatever. You should all be hiding, in any case. Especially those of you who are not magical. Because SERIOUSLY.

History of Medieval England talks about the Hundred Year's War. Yes, war. Like, involving bad people. ARE YOU ALL GETTING IT NOW? And, anti-climatically, Business classes watch a film, there is vollyball in the gym, and Sociology is canceled.

And Professor Sidle won't be teaching any longer, and she's alone in her office, as are Professor Cregg and Dean Zordon. Principal Washburn is visited by Professor Sidle, and my question is? All of you ladies (and presumably male head in a tube) who are alone in your offices? WHY ARE YOU NOT FLEEING? WHY? WHY NOT?

In the library, Angela talks to a cat and Parker, and then Rory joins them to discuss some book that Parker's reading. LIBRARY IDIOTS. TAKE. SHELTER.

In the TA lounge, where people are bloody stupid because they're not hiding, Belthazor tells Paige she's a bit of a stupid tart for sleeping with Crowley. Smart move, Bel. Know what's not a smart move? STAYING IN THE LOUNGE, ZOMG. And Bel is apparently on the good side, as he tells Alien Girl - I mean, Isabel. Will explain in a moment. He and Phoebe are cute, and water is somewhat damp. Anders compliments them and asks about meetings, Blair and Bel talk about 'experience,' and oh, look, talking cat.

I give up. Seriously.

In the dorms, where you should all be taking shelter and quite possibly fleeing

This morning, Angel and Callistie woke up pleasantly, whereas that child of hell and Aeryn did not. Angel, Callistie, Aeryn - why aren't you all hidden away? None of you are magical children, are you?

...John, you can stay unhidden.

Meanwhile, the one who looks like John but is not a demon is very sweet to Jaye, who is seventeen today, in case you missed the giant party. Happy birthday, Jaye. And many more. Inated.

Logan tells Veronica how Angel is being stranger than usual, and speaking of strange, Victor has claws now. What the bloody hell?

And Isabel and Xander make up. Speaking of strange some more - did you all know that Isabel is an alien? Yes, apparently, she is. Not that I exactly know what that means, except that she's from space and for some reason this is some great secret. I really don't follow why, but whatever, I have the Dark Lord to worry about today.

Nadia is not an alien or a psychopathic wizard, as far as I know, and instead spends her time on the roof and in the common room. And Bridge and Xander appear to be very awkward, and Anakin and Angel spend time alone in the former's room. Mr. Skywalker, you had convinced me of your heterosexuality.

But anyway.

Maia offers Lana some room to cry about Shep, and I suggest they GET THE BLOODY HELL OUT WHILE THEY CAN.

And like I mentioned a moment ago, there is a party for Jaye, because apparently no one understands what's going on but me, apparently. You're all extraordinarily dim and perhaps you deserve whatever is coming to you, because you're being idiotic. gifts, because lalala evidently no one cares about impending doom. Jake is appeased by coffee, Sam is going to be a nun, apparently - you know, assuming any of us LIVE THROUGH THE NIGHT OMG, Angela teases John and then she and Marty are adorable. You know, adorable in the face of DOOM. John tells Isabel about when he wore heels, and I'll take a moment out of my panic to say that I...am not surprised. Callistie is rather buoyant, and Rory would like us all to know that she is not, and I quote, 'a big ol' ho,' and since Anakin is back, I'm not going to touch that with a ten-foot pole. Also, I have other things on my mind. Such as OMGWTFTHEDARKLORD.

And after the party, Parker makes a rather revealing phone call to Jarod, and Anders has his ego crushed. No one cares, because we are all apparently going to die.

In town, blah blah, gonna die

Ivanova is perky at Wonka's, because like everyone else, she is a delusional fool. And Lana and Kiki are mournful, but not for the reason that they should be. And in a fit of complete idiocy, Orlin buys the FIXINGS FOR BROWNIES. WHAT THE HELL? And...Edmund tells Ivanova that Baldrick is coming, and I DO NOT CARE.

During the day FTEC is bustling. Naturally. But things seem to have calmed down at night. Which worries me more.

Oh no. That's the end of the broadcast. All right, all. Take care of yourselves. This is...utterly terrifying, and I'm horribly sorry for being so terrible to all of you. Truly, I am. Even John. I love you all, really, I do! Even except John.

So...take care. Hide yourselves. Do what you ca -

Oh, wait.

Oh. Oh, it seems that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is gone. And, erm, has been since third period. Oh. BLOODY HELL, PEOPLE, PUT THESE THINGS IN MY NOTES EARLY. GAH.

I was kidding before, you know. Didn't mean a word of it. At all.

...I hate all of you."

JOHN!RITA: Hey there, Fandom! This is John Crichton, back at the microphone again after some time away. And ignore if I sound kind of female and British. The handwavey spell that's going to make it possible for you all to discern who is supposed to be who isn't that strong. I have a cold. But anyway, I brought friends!
LEE!RITA: Yes, this is Lee Adama, also back even though you heard me on Saturday, sweet Fandom! And ignore if I sound British, too, since I don't believe in England!
CAM!RITA: And this is Cameron Mitchell. I look like John. Sound like him too!
JAYE!RITA: And this is Jaye Tyler, helpinating even though I haddinated radio last night! And I know I don't sound as nasal as usual. Sorry! We all are sickenated.
RORY!RITA: And this is Whor...Rory Gilmore. I'm a nice girl who is vaguely pathetic and everyone should be kind to. And I know my voice isn't as whiny and grating as usual. Cold.

( Cut because the crack is LONG )</>

JOHN!RITA: And that's it, Fandom! Any parting words, guys?
CAM!RITA: I look like you?
LEE!RITA: Two of you to love!
JAYE!RITA: OMGDIRTINATED?
RORY!RITA: I am slightly pathetic!
JOHN!RITA: And I say Umberto! Goodnight!

[*pets everyone who Rita just imitated who isn't either me or at war with her* I lint you all.]

"Good evening, ladies, gentlemen, boys, girls, dogs, cats, turtles, muskrats, seahorses, stickbugs and other assorted flora and fauna who might be listening. Yes, this is Professor Ms. Rita Skeeter. Yes, you heard me yesterday. Entertain yourself with thoughts that I simply couldn't stay away from this microphone device if it amuses you.

Classes, which were uninteresting because yours truly had the day off

In the library, Archie talks to Parker about sailing and to Rory about relationships. Rory has relationships? Here I thought she was a sort of free agent. Zero and Parker make with the small talk, and Angela talks to Rory about depression and passes notes with Parker. You know, I realize that libraries are supposed to be quiet places, but I'm not entirely certain that the note traffic I've seen there is strictly neccessary. Rory, Parker, and Zero discuss costuming for the play, and Rory asks Parker for a favor. Merlin, these lines just write themselves, because that certainly just sounds naughty, doesn't it? Zero tells Parker about England, presumably not in the 'lie back and think of' way, and John Crichton's scizophrenia annoys Parker.

US History is taught by some man with entirely too many names, which, I must confess, is a nice change from the people who choose to be nameless pretentiously. Celtic Studies is once again taught by Phoebe, who evidently has no willpower nor attention span, as her boyfriend distracts her into dismissing class early. Biology and Chemistry talk about hypothetical families and body farms, and Creature Languages has a period all to themselves.

Western Lit has their very last class with Professor Chaucer, and apparently no one got the memo that yesterday was Day of Woe. Keep up, people. Tactics of War is covered by someone who has a number for their name. Oh, I do hope Samantha is well, poor dear. Also, from what my notes are telling me, there was some girl-on-girl action in the midst of class. Dear me. Psychology, Magical Theory, and Jung all turn in dream journals, and Sociology of Violence is guest-lectured by Constable Fraser, much to the swoonage of the class at large, and Sociology of the Paranormal gets group projects.

Speech classes turn things in and talk, surprise, Anthropology talks about heredity, and Paleontology plans out a trip. Dr. Oliver, do we live together? Because after going through the faculty list, I'm fairly certain you're my fourth housemate. Either you or this 'Alpha 5' fellow.

And finally, Shop class has had a busy day, with guests and hand-holding and Rob Thomas and injuries. Way to go, Professor MacGyver.

In terms of office hours, Professor Chaucer is visited by Paige. And there is a puppy. Aww.

As far as clubs go, there seems to be a group of children beating upon each other tonight, or something, Belthazor sends messages about the pretty-school group or whatever you all are called, and posters go up for the trip to England! Oh, do tell me where you're all going, as I'll likely be making a trip home and I wouldn't want to run into you.

In the assistants' lounge, Kiki opens and is visited by Angela, Paige, Bel and Anders. It sounds terribly exciting. Perhaps there was some exciting watching of paint peeling, or something, as well.

And in the clinic, Susan has her hours, where Veronica stops by.

Oh, and in the cafeteria, people eat, and Blair and Molly are awkward and wee and just too adorable. There are daisies involved. Yes, I'm serious. I wish I could invent the supposed cuteness here.

In the dorms, where all good boys and girls should be in their beds. Alone. And asleep. Yes.

Veronica took visitors in the attic, though I'm not certain if Logan can be counted amongst them since he was already there. In her bed. Goodness me. But in any case, Piper and Veronica have, if my notes read correctly, an 'ohm-guh serious' talk. How would one say that? It's spelled 'oh em gee.' I have no idea what that means. And Marty comes by to discuss the confusion of something called NyQuil, and Belthazor's intentions. I suppose he intends to interrupt Phoebe's teaching later, if my notes are to be trusted.

Unlike Ms. Mars, John Crichton who has identity issues wakes up alone, and Janet comforts Liz when she woke. In 238, Angel gives Jockstrap John a cup of coffee and chats, and Belthazor comes by for breakfast. How lovely. And because this atmosphere is just too perfect and peachy and worthy of a picture print or some other nonsense, Logan helpfully stops by to remind everyone that Belthazor is evil, and just generally spoils the mood. Well done, Mr. Echolls.

And uninterestingly, Pippi wakes up before Shop, as does Xander, Kiki has depressing and/or frightening dreams, and Sawyer was all on his lonesome. Poor thing, except not. Before school, Walter and Victor are disgustingly cute, and Cordelia has a pain-inducing dream.

And in more boring news, Elizabeth gets balloons, and Phoebe and Professor Cregg get flowers. And in the gym, Cameron and Isabel do sweaty things. Naughtiness? Would not surprise me.

Bridge and Phoebe discuss their powers of premonition and Phoebe's vision. Bridge is wise, the darling boy, and Phoebe, as always, proves herself to be an incompetent witch by being depressing and seemingly having no perception of her abilities. Then, she went and fought with Bel, because those two can't go one bloody day without overdramatizing everything. I'm sure they fought over who used the last of the milk or something tragic like that.

Jaye is visited by Cameron, in some sort of teenage mating ritual, no doubt, and Parker stopped by to gain knowledge from Piper. What sort of knowledge? Knowing you amorous teens, I wouldn't be a bit surprised if it was carnal knowledge.

Callistie is delivered Chinese food, courtesy of that Angel person. How sweet, for that dear fellow to arrange for a lovely dinner for Callistie and Alex. Darling, really. After Shop, Walter takes care of Victor's owies, and in her room, Isabel watches television. And then Pippi and Pip are in their respective rooms. Parker and Zero run lines for that ridiculous play, Angela attempts to kick Marty out of her room. I thought they were supposed to be one of the too-precious-for-words couples? Guess not.

Xander sends a message to a friend named after a tree, and then received a reply. Speedy, that tree girl. And Nadia is talking strangely yet again. Easily amused, I suppose.

And in the second floor common room, Cameron talked to Rory about relationships, baffling me again, and flings, which clears things up a bit. Then Cordelia comes by and meets Cameron, and she and Rory make plans for rehearsals. Then Anders (and a quiet Cally) are there with delicious snacks for all. Lovely. I hope they're not poisonous. Then it seems Bridge offers his...services...to Rory - again, unsurprised - and has animals clinging to him. And finally, Kara sits on Cally. Nice going, Ms. Thrace. Nice going.

In the town of minimal excitement...

In the FTEC during the day, Granny Weatherwax is visited by a multitude of children with boo-boos, and in the evening, more children show up complaining about robots. Perhaps you shouldn't play with them if they're not nice, boys and girls. I hope you've learned your lesson.

Elsewhere, Orlin visits a welding Agatha, whatever that means, and then Victor comes by her shop. The pub formerly known as Spike's is less than busy, and Victor and Agatha stop by All and Sundries. Then Victor went to unpronouncable book shop in search of comics.

Cafe Fina is open, as is Caritas, where GOB gets very drunk. He then makes a call to Becky under the influence, and amazingly lives to tell the tale. What an imbecile. I ought to hex him, though I suppose I should invent a reason of some sort....

And the town hall is there for all your town hall-ish needs, which at the moment I can't quite fathom. At Wonka's, Tonks broods, because she also missed the memo about yesterday.

And finally, Orlin goes to bed, and Sawyer is creepy to Paige. Which, frankly, seems to be his MO.

And that's it, Fandom. Take care of yourselves so I'll have something to mock next week. Love and kisses!"

"Good evening, all. Professor Ms. Rita Skeeter here, broadcasting once again on a night other than my own. Again, I suggest getting over it.

Classes, which were all boring except for mine. And I don't want to talk about Advanced Journalism

Shop class builds things for Valentine's Day. Sorry to tell you all this, but it was...yesterday. Yeah. You'd think people would know this because of all the cutesiness and nausea yesterday, but you all are a dim lot. The children in Math have an exam, and there is a tiny widdle puppy in Biology, Chemistry, and Physics. Awwwww.

*ahem*

Sociology of Violence and Sociology of the Paranormal disccus mass murders and the afterlife, respectively. Speech classes draw diagrams and watch that idiot running your country with the sound off. Wise move, from what I've seen. And on that note, US Government learns about the responsibilities of the President. Is it true the Vice President shot someone in the face? Why did you vote for these people?

Magical Theory has an open discussion, Anthropology talks about genetics and inheritance, History of Western Civilization talks about Rome, Paleontology has a pop quiz - ooh, I ought to do that - Drivers' Ed plays with...bumper cars? And Self Defense does something without arms, while Celtic Studies discusses literature. Also, US History talks about what they'd take on an expedition, and I can think of the most simple answer to that. I would take someone to hunt, gather, and generally explore for me. A lackey of some sort. Preferably a strapping, handsome one. Ooer.

And in Journalistic Integrity, we learned that eavesdropping is very, very not wrong, and in Journalism 101/201, I collected cameras and then Anakin Skywalker finally convinced me that he is, in fact, not gay. And because of that I will be kind to him for the duration of this broadcast, as well as Ms. Gilmore, since if I'm not he'll surely turn up in my office tomorrow to complain about it.

And in Advanced Journalism, John Crichton was a stickbug and NOTHING ELSE HAPPENED. I did not get turned into anything or anyone and any person who says anything to the contrary is a liar and will fail my class.

In the cafeteria, Das Schnitzel, who I gather to be a hen, serves lunch as the chef seems to be mildly idiotic today. Ed ate pizza all alone, and Walter and Pippi ate and chatted. La di da. This is uninteresting.

In office hours, Josh watches the news and laughs, Professor Dream goes unvisited, and Rory, who is a very nice girl, and Cordelia visit Fakey Principal Finn.

In the teachers' lounge, MacGyver is all alone. As the children say, "Woe."

In the assistants' lounge, Parker makes poor Blair's head spin with talk of dating. I'll get to my opinions on that in a moment.

The library is full of post-Valentine's Day glee. Get over it, boys and girls. Sam offers Zero an opportunity for explosions, which sounds...interesting. Elizabeth and Parker plot the spring break trip, and dear heavens, how soon will that be? Angel defends his little 'study group' to Zero, and then he talks to Rory...after smelling her. That's - never mind. I said I'd be kind. Rory, who is a very nice girl indeed talks to Parker about fantasy baseball, and then she talks to Angela until Zero blows up at the pair of them. Oh dear. I think I rather like you, Zero. We should meet.

The dorms, where all good boys and girls should be asleep. But alas, no

Elizabeth seems to have a rather thoughtful, if late, boyfriend. Zero makes a phone call, and seems to be a bit tired. Lee sleeps, and I fail to find this interesting. As per usual. Chloe, who chose stickbug over pudding cup, writes another message that seems to be delievered electronically.

John Crichton in disguise and Anders talk about a rather painful-sounding breakup, and Phoebe chats with Veronica about Angel's soul. And then Angel comes by, and they talk about it some more. This sounds very deep and sophomoric. You're all just tiny children. Why can't you play with blocks or something?

Aeryn Sun is leaving us. Pity. I rather liked the dear girl. And a multitude of people stop by to say goodbye. There's possible schizophrenic John Crichton, Angel, Veronica Mars who is nosy, Isabel, Sam, Marty, Liz, Anders, Rory who I am kind to now, Bridge, Little Miss Backtalky, Cally, Alanna Trebond who I like a bit, Parker, Callistie, the un-gay Anakin Skywalker, Molly, Xander and Peter Parker of the interesting pictures. Goodbye, Ms. Sun. I only spoke to you once, but you have a good head on your shoulders, and you seem to have been a steadying force in Mr. Crichton's life. We're the better for having had you around.

In other news, Cally does not deal well with Aeryn's departure, and DEATH takes a holiday, which simply sounds depressing and bizarre. Callistie puts up signs for the dance this Friday, which I will be chaperoning. Heaven help you all. Happiest birthday wishes to John Connor. Schizophrenic John Crichton moves. My notes say, and I quote, 'Molly helps with the heavy lifting,' and Parker helps with the heavy drinking. Also, Pip beats things, Piper and Veronica hang out, and Blair sets up some sort of dating support group, to which I say: You are children, and do not need to be dating, much less supporting each other while doing so. Unless you are Callistie, who should be true to her one and only love, Alex, and stop playing with this Angel fellow.

And in the third floor common room, there are many, many animals. If I'm reading my notes correctly, there are at least three cats, two dogs, a frog, a turtle, and a dragon. And people, too, I suppose, but who cares about them when there are PUPPIES?!

*ahem*

In the town of minimal excitement...

In the book shop that I can't even begin to pronounce - Marty checks things out, as does Orlin. He is shortly joined by Agatha. And the boy who shamelessly lied to his teacher comes in to do research. And my notes indicate that we should be excited that Professor Calendar was there, too. I don't understand why. I like Jenny, witch-to-witch, but she's not that exciting.

Lilah is at work. Orlin comes by Sparky Repairs to apologize to Agatha for...something. Lucas is doing his breakup song thing, which makes me rather like this person I've never met, and Marty and Angela are disgusting in Jeff, God of Biscuits. Children. Think of the pastries.

At Caritas Jarod served Phoebe and Orlin drinks and then they whined together. And apparently there was something about a 'booty call,' but I don't know what that is, and I'd rather not learn.

And finally, Dr. Lambert meets Dr. Grissom over in the FTEC, GOB is happy and alive, Deb and Carl make a decision, Pip and Alfred have a tea party, and Phoebe is, once again, sad in her suite. Ms. Halliwell, I know you have some idea that you're going to protect my students from me, but I think your priorities really should be closer to 'Going outside. Breathing fresh air. Getting some sun. Lightening up.'

And that's it from me tonight. Have a lovely evening, goodbye again to Aeryn Sun, and I beg you all to not tell me what the bloody hell a booty call is."

"Good evening boys and girls. Professor Ms. Rita Skeeter here. Before we start, I'd like to make an announcement: I am married.

...

Yes, you heard me. Married. For the time being, anyway. You see, my husband - Wilbur Rufus, for those of you who are curious - and I are separated. Legally. It's a very sad point for me. And that's why I've been denying it. So I truly hope you're happy, Mr. John Crichton, Mr. Anakin Skywalker, Mr. Alex Krycek and Callistie. I hope you're proud of yourselves.

*sniffle*

Anyway.

Classes, which were all tedious because I had the day off

First off, we have Shop class, where students had to navigate their way down a hall of lasers using Twinkies and cleaning products. Merlin's beard, the last time I said a sentence like that was when I'd snorted Floo powder in my youth. Shortly before I met Wilbur, actually. *sob* Don't mind me. *hiccup* There's a quiz in Western Literature, and then Professor Lyman lectures on Julius Caesar, whatever that is. Josh, darling, if you smell smoke tonight, don't be alarmed. I'll just be burning everything Wilbur ever gave me.

For some bizarre reason, Chemistry does math. And Biology learns about energy - as does, interestingly enough, Magical Theory. Psychology learns about developmental psychology and schemas, and Carl Jung, self-important student that he is, learns about development. Then Creature Languages speaks Rat, the Speech classes talk about seemingly random and unrelated topics, Sociology of Violence discusses gangs, and Sociology of the Paranormal talk about out-of-body experiences. That reminds me of Wilbur for...er, actually, no real reason. But STILL. *sob*

*sniffle* In US History, no one is asleep and Alanna interviews Josh. Anthropology learns about Neanderthals. I say just to look around the school at half the male population, but does anyone listen to me? Herman's class has show and tell, Paleontology discusses field trips, Celtic Studies talks about Irish mythology and has a quiz, Tactics of War watches a film, and Self Defense beats each other with...staves? Dear heavens. That sounds awkward and naughty.

In the library, Parker and Janet plot, according to my notes, 'evil.' But then Angela is a wet blanket. Pff. John has candy for Parker. Is that apology, Mr. Crichton? Did you remind Parker of the ruins of her marriage as well? Marty and Bel talk without anyone dying. Good work, men. Parker and Cameron talk about his leather pants, and as a teacher at this school, I feel I can't continue in this line of thought. Especially since I don't believe I've ever met Cameron, and so I'm picturing Gilderoy Lockhart in leather instead. Ooer.

Ahem. Anyway. Where was I? Oh! Right - Whor - I mean, Rory is in a good mood, and Parker ventures a guess that it's for naughty reasons. I'm inclined to believe that, as everyone should be. The gentleman with the hat talks to Angela about recent parties, and Angel and Parker talk about his soul. That sounds...touching.

In the cafeteria, there are something called 'nachos.' I can only assume that this is some sort of bizarre way of indicating that the food belongs to the person consuming it. I do wish people would enunciate. John and Anders chat about fried ice cream, which sounds vile, and Lee Adama moving in with John. Is Lee someone's husband, John? Are you trying to make him sad about his failed marriage, too? In other news, Pip makes Nadia giggle, and Victor gives her space. And on a hugely more interesting note, I have green socks on today.

In the teachers' lounge, which I ought to visit one of these days, I suppose, Dr. Grissom and Professor Cregg talk about writing speeches. Fascinating. I don't believe I've ever written a speech. I simply read my own illusrious work aloud for all to hear. Professor Cregg and Herman watch the BBC, which for some reason sounds oddly appealing, though I haven't the faintest idea what that means. And Professors Cregg and Dream make small talk, and I am wearing red lipstick.

The assistants' lounge isn't nearly so exciting, with only Phoebe and Belthazor.

In terms of clubs, Lana, Angel and Maia talk about their weird home towns. I honestly don't know how anyone can deem their hometown strange after living here. Also, Fight Club meets, but I don't think I can talk about it further....

And in office hours, Dean Washburn goes unvisited, the Librarian sees Angela, Alanna stops by to see Professor Tick, lonely Dean Zordon entertains himself with someone named Michael Jackson, fakey principal is visited by Belthazor, and Victor pays a visit to Professor Dream.

And, in announcements, it seems we're having a play. I'll be hiding out in my office for the rest of the term, thank you.


In the dorms, where there should be a multitude of sleeping children - but there obviously isn't

This morning in 238, Aeryn and John wake up. I hope you slept well, Mr. Crichton. You'll need your energy to make as many imminent divorcées miserable as possible, after all. Elsewhere, Miss Parker wakes Marty with some very loud music. That seems rather rude. Marty was evidently traumatized, since he seemed to sit there talking to himself until Sam stopped by.

Piper woke up thoughtful, and Paige woke up in the company of a dog, if my notes read correctly. Talk about a bad morning after, the poor dear.

As the day progresses, the highly obnoxious Han Solo writes some sort of letter, though I don't see anything indicating that he has an owl, and so I declare this a waste of paper and rather idiotic move. In Shep's room, he and Lana are just too precious for words, and please excuse me while I attempt to control my nausea.

Phoebe does gymnastics to control her emotions, which sounds rather odd, and Marty gets Professor Gilmore-Danes to go see a doctor. I'd personally vote that her daughter probably needs to see one, actually. The Elric brothers spend time together, and then Victor and Walter make dinner plans with Alphonse. I used Sleekeazy's on my hair this morning. I think it makes a difference, really. What's that? You don't care about my hair? Well, I don't care about these things. Get over it. If I'm bored, so shall you be.

Bridge and John send out messages - again, no owls. Mr. Crichton, are you trying to send a message to another of your professors? Remind them of the wreckage of their life, too? In their various rooms, Veronica and Nadia chit and chat, Janet and Jack shoot the breeze, Lee is baking, and Aeryn tries to do her homework, but her boyfriend is meddling and hovering and in her face, and refuses to let her be. How utterly typical.

Also, Lana, Angela, and Whorey Rory Parker all get flowers. Kiki gets candles, and Jessica gets a stuffed toy and candy. My favorite color is purple, boys and girls.

As per usual, the second floor common room is home to all. Angel and Callistie do possibly naughty things with doughnuts, Charlie seems to be alive, according to my notes, and Angel and Whorey discuss class schedules.

And in a shocking turn of events, Cally and Anders are 'cute.' Again, nausea. Though, Mr. Anders seems to be...reading. My notes tell me this is unusual. Clearly Anders has never read one of my articles, or he'd be an avid fan.

DEATH has a duck. There aren't enough words to express my puzzlement. And Isabel advertises a game night.

Out and about in the town of minimal excitement

The Baron is back at work. Oh, bloody hell. You don't have a name, either? Then like Herman, you shall get one. Your name is...Ferdinand. So, Ferdinand is back at work. And Orlin goes to wake Agatha up. My notes don't detail further, so I must conclude that he's waking her for some nefarious purpose. Perhaps something naughty. Who can know? Phoebe might, as she sits in the park with Orlin later. Is she in on the naughtiness? I'd venture a tentative yes.

Edmund is in a good mood, and sadly no one takes advantage of it. And presumably post-naughtiness, Orlin and Agatha go to Café Fina for coffee, and Ferdinand comes in for tea. Deb's is open, Quark and Orlin talk apartments, Natalie actually gets an apartment, Paige does homework, and Jay and Silent Bob seem to be in a rut.

And in Caritas, GOB is delusional or something, and Jarod is not happy about Parker's hijinks. Much as *sniffle* Wilby used to look out for me!

And that's all from me tonight, the ex-Mrs. Wilbur Rufus Skeeter. Be good boys and girls, and always remember to step carefully around a broken heart. Or you might find yourself a marmoset. Again."

Hello, darlings. This is Professor Ms. Rita Skeeter, broadcasting to you all the news that's worth hearing. And Merlin's beard, there is a metric ton of it today. And a great deal of..."emo." Which I'm still, quite frankly, trying to figure out. No one has told me what the word means yet.

Classes, which were all boring because today was my day off

Advanced Criminal Justice learned how to diffuse situations between enemies. I can't say I see the fun in trying to make them play nice, but then again, not every teacher can have my wisdom and experience. Foreign Literature went over some story called "The Necklace," which is just about the most nondescript title I've heard in ages. Every good writer knows that one must catch an audience's attention. It ought to have been called, "The Shimmering Chaplet of Woe and Agony," or something. Something descriptive. I ought to have a word with this...Gee Dee Mawpawsant. If he ever wants to get anywhere as a writer, he really needs to work on his presentation. Anyway, I digress.

Music of the Multiverse - and naturally none of you can see, but I'm air-quoting that ridiculous title - discussed, if my notes are correct, their favorite sugary snack. What that has to do with music, I don't know, unless muggles have invented candy that makes music as well. Perhaps using those computer things. God help you all if you have.

Psychology went over common perspectives on behavior, Archaeology learned about...archaeology, of all things. Creature Languages had a guest lecturer in the form of a spider by the name of Aunt Nancy, and I'm afraid that I've never heard of something half as idiotic a class led by an arachnid. Or any kind of bug-like creature, honestly.

Chemistry and biology learned boring and obvious chemical and biological things that I'm pretty sure the students didn't care about and I'm certain I don't give an axabran's ass, so moving on. Carl Jung, who I suppose must be one of my esteemed and as of yet unmet colleagues, goes over archetypes. One of the speech classes actually gave speeches, and the other answered the question, "What is a message?" For the love of my last shreds of sanity, do not expect me to go into how obvious the answer to that question is.

Sociology of Sex Cultures talked about the naughty, naughty quizzes they took, History of Medieval England made their introductions and talked about what they would like to learn from the class. As if it should be left up to the students. Really.

Political Campaigning learned about Montana, wherever or whatever the bloody hell that is. Arthurian Tradition learned about Arthur before he was Arthur, which neither makes sense or sounds particularly interesting, since we all know the story's really about Morgana and Merlin. Business Law and HR Management both learned things about law and function that I have neither ever heard of nor expressed an interest in learning about.

In terms of office hours, Professor Cregg was visited by Veronica Mars, who is a delightful young lady and the first person I've mentioned in this broadcast who I actually know. Additionally, the Doctor, who evidentally is either too pretentious for a last name or else simply does not deserve one, was visited by no one. Principal Smith used the fellytone to call some rather unusual exterminators. Dean Washburn had a few visitors.

And then, of course, there were my office hours. John Crichton, who is a dear little sweetheart, came by with an absolutely fascinatingly primitive quill. Thank you again for the thought, dear boy. And in a tragic turn of events, Dean Zordon went unvisited. Poor, unfortunate, noncorpeal man.

In the clinic, Victor, Pip, Stark and Nadia all stopped by to either bleed or get their emo checked.

During lunch, there was 'Hi Dad!' soup, which has cannibalistic overtones that frankly disturb me, and it caused mysterious "emo" for one Mr. Xander Harris. Maybe "emo" is indigestion.

A pair of adorably vainglorious boys chose to form a smoking section, two people with frighteningly similar names greeted one another, Walter and Pip talked about premonitions of rulers and shiny shoes. And that is a direct quote from my note, boys and girls.

Anders entered after gym, looking for Cally. I'm told that this is not an unusual or particulary noteworthy event. Mr. Anders and Mr. John Crichton, who is a simply darling boy, threw gumballs. I would suggest they act their age, but I'm actually quite certain that this is mature behavior for them. Nadia and Walter talked about their injuries from self-defense class, and some brave child named Ed sampled it all. Dibs on your obituary, little boy.

In the teachers' lounge, which I didn't grace with my presence today, There was bottled water, baked goods, and pastries available. Good for all of you. Daniel and Jenny have met. According to my notes, they've been working together for most of the semester. So much for knowing one's co-workers. Macgyver waved at Jenny. How is this newsworthy, people? I just adjusted my glasses. Now all of you get to know! For heaven's sake.

Apparently Daniel is confused. Note the utter shock in my tone. Dr. Pierson tried to think of an appropriate way to teach ancient Egyptian culture to his class, and failed. Macgyver waved at Dr. Pierson, too. Why do we care? Why? Do any of you? I surely don't. And finally, Dr. Grissom was naughty. You dirty, dirty man.

In the assistants lounge some boy named Belthazor chatted with several people, including my wonderful assistant, Callistie.

In the library, a song was being written about gremlins by a girl named...Zero Addtionally, crypticness. Which is immensely frustrating, and I shan't spend another second talking about it.

Also, Principal Smith made an announcement, and it seems that they're still of need of your blood in the clinic, the gremlins will be dealt with, and there shall be a detention lottery. And, as the teacher charged with all you little miscreants this week, I can say that I am simply delighted, boys and girls.

In the dorms, where all good little boys and girls should be asleep -

...but naturally, none of you little bra - kids are.

There were entirely too many posters for Student Council. I wish you all the best of luck, children. And Ms. Halliwell? I don't understand how you think you're going to defeat gremlins with that bit of unimpressive, though shiny, weaponry. Everyone knows that they'll swarm if you shoot.

Some imbecile gave a little boy named Peter a squirt gun, and little girl named Sydney got chocolate. Lucky thing. It'll go straight to your hips, love.

We have yet another instance of "emo," as it seems a child named Sawyer was it in the common room, until Ms. Rory Gilmore, one of my supposedly advanced students, came along and threw...glitter at him? Perhaps "emo" means lackluster. Or lacking in braincells, and the glitter is supposed to stir cranial activity?

Jaye spent the evening taking anti-endorsements - and dear girl, why aren't you in one of my classes? - and Parker stopped by to see Sam. Then Crazy Glitter Girl stopped in to see a boy behind closed doors. My goodness. Little wonder she's earned the monniker, "Whorey."

Anders and Cally were, by all reports, cute. And no one cares. Angela created a petition for gremlins, which is truly impressive work for a twelve year-old.

On the second floor, people watched cartoons. I don't exactly know what that means, but according to my notes, a tussle ensued between two little boys and a little girl. According to all reports, one of the boys did not know how to read, another had overly feminine hair and should have been wearing a hat, and the young lady in question is apparently torn between the pair. Sweetheart, I suppose there's no accounting for taste, but really.

On the fifth floor, Nadia made up her own dialogue to the "tee-vee" along with Molly. If I remember correctly, that is the box that has the moving pictures, right? I had understood that there was dialogue included. But then again, given my salary, I wouldn't be surprised if the sound was simply so expensive that it's considered a bloody luxury.

And finally, in the fourth floor common room, Han "buckles his swashes" - which I personally think sounds distinctly naughty and I didn't need to know about - and there is some more "emo." Maybe emo is an unfortunate disease of the kind requiring...discretion?

Furthermore, there was a moving shrub. I'm really not surprised. Wait until you get nosy enough to approach it and it smacks you in the face with one of its branches, breaking your nose in a distinctive yet character-addingly beautiful way. Not that I know anyone who had anything like that happen.

Dr. House is going somewhere, with cash. I would hope so, since otherwise I can't imagine he'll get far. There is emo soup. Again, indigestion?

Sharon was up early, dear John and Cameron discussed John's relationship - Mr. Crichton, you and I will simply have to have a chat about your love life, dear boy - and then Cameron rejected cake. Jake and my other TA Alex were snuggly in bed, and Alex? I would also love to chat about this darling Jake of yours.

Veronica, Piper, and Chloe spend time in the attic. Ms. Sullivan, I hope some of that time was spent working on those interviews. One of my students, a Ms. Thrace, spent the day in bed with a boy named Lee, who I can only assume and hope to be her boyfriend. Young Edward hid, Ivanova was tired, and a girl ogled darling John Crichton in the gym.



Out and about

At the pub, the brothers are selling one of the pool tables and the kitchen staff has the night off. Why only one pool table, I wonder. Why not get rid of them all and try to make the place a little classier?

Caritas seems to have died. I fear that I am to blame, as I didn't make it out there tonight, and I know my presence would have certainly added a certain spark.

At the Fourth Sin, Jarod told Becky about his kitten, and I sincerely hope that is not a euphemism.

Isabel got support for her campaign from the Emporium, Victor went bowling, Kiki and Tonks checked in at Wonka's, Miho did not talk, then Miho did talk, and then some kid shot her with a water gun. Dibs on your obit, too.

People eat. I should really give up. And apparently there will be a coffee appreciation society.

And that guy who was rude to me in Caritas got knives thrown at him. I rather like this young woman. And Miho of the park would like to purchase a water gun. Smart girl, though I can recommend a few alternate routes of revenge.

And...no. I can't possibly be reading this correctly. Harry Potter is in town? And it seems he has a new girlfriend? Oh, Mr. Potter. Did Ms. Granger's inability to commit drive you from her arms? Did she give you a bad case of emo? I do hope you'll stop by my office hours, darling Harry. I'd certainly love to do another interview.

And you know that if you don't, I will anyway.

That's all from me tonight, kiddies. Use emo-protection, don't shoot gremlins, and keep an eye out for glitter-flinging brunettes.