WTFH

"Alright already! I'm here. What do you want from me? Acorns? Do squirrels eat acorns or is that a stereotype? Eh, I don't care. Hey, how ya doing? Hades, Lord of the Dead. Long time no see. Or hear as the case may be. Whatever. Let's get this over with. I have plans, okay?

( Fiery fiery goodness )

Aaaaaaaaand that's it. Hallelujah, I'm outta here. Enjoy your summer, Fandom. It'll be over before you know it. What? You were expecting something witty? Get off my back. I'm saving my material for an appreciative audience."

*click*

"Hey look! I'm back. I'm sure you all missed me. Insert 'by this much' joke here. Anyway, we've got news, I have Doritos and...what else. Notes! There are notes. This is Hades on WTFH pirate radio, now with 100% less pirate and 100% more violence.

( Bring on the news. )

"I remembered why I hated Friday night shows. You all do more stuff that I don't care about than usual. Anyway, this is Hades, your host from down under bringing you the latest news and gossip and tawdry details of peoples' lives.

( Decrees and Girlkissy and Chocolate, Oh My! )

"Surprise! It's not Saturday, but it is Friday and I've commandeered WTFH pirate radio from the delightful dish, Vala Mal Doran. This is Hades on the air, bringing you the news, the gossip and all that jazz on National Barry Plodder Day.

( That's not a real holiday? It is now. )

"It's Saturday already? Time flies when you're playing Texas Hold 'Em poker tournaments. This is Hades, your host in the afterlife and Saturday nights, and you're listening to WTFH pirate radio. Someone left snacks here. I may not need to eat, but they're here and they look good, so I'm eating them to spite you, snack-leaver, whoever you are.

( Another Saturday night and I ain't got nobody )

"Live from Fandom's own WTFH pirate radio, it's Saturday night with your host, the one, the only Haaaaadeeeeees! Hey, how ya doin?

( Quiet Day )

Anyway, that's it, buzz off, go home, yadda. This is Hades on WTFH pirate radio signing off for another Saturday. Don't forget to tip your waitress."

"Start spreading the news, this island's insane. I have to be a part of it, Fandom, Fandom. Or Fandom, Virginia. Or...whatever. This is WTFH radio, I'm Hades, your lives are all meaningless, but entertaining, so let's hear about it.

( Another brick in the wall )

"So much for getting rid of the squirrels for good. This is Hades, God of the Dead, Lord of the Underworld, Disneyworld, Paris (they're all the same to me) here on WTFH Fandom radio. All pirate, all the time. Except tonight. Eyepatches don't look good on me and I'm not big on parrots.

( Oh, you crazy mortals )

"Ladies, gentlemen, firebreathers, tentacled beings from Rafastus Four, parents, guardians, siblings who were dragged away from the television, other people who are just here for a good time, this is the one and only WTFH radio, the pirate's own, with your Friday night host with the most, Hades. Yep, God of the dead, lord of the Underworld, your soul put in a pit for eternity in thirty minutes after death or your money back.

Let's get on with the news before I give myself a hernia with all the enthusiasm.

Class: Some of Us Have It, None of You Do. Just Accept It

School's over, kids. Get out, enjoy the sunshine, engage in normal mortal activities. When the apocalypse comes, I'll let you know.

Broodatron 4000 posted grades and had office hours, my lovely assistant Vanna had office hours. The Hell Spawn, Animal Boy, Madam President, Fandom Idol and Receding Hairline Man all stopped by. My old buddy Scar had office hours and was tormented by the Hell Spawn, Cooking Spray, If Looks Could Kill, A Pink Kitten, Old Maid and her even older grandparents. Sounds like a blast.


Dorms: Where Your Kids Are Living Out Their Celibate Existence. Really.

There aren't any common room stories to tell today because you were all busy instead of being your usual lazy selves. Jack told Cedric he's ditching him for bigger and better things. The Hell Spawn whose surname isn't Harvelle is outta here and he didn't even have to be expelled. Willow has abandonment issues because of him, Gwynn's not above lying to keep the guy here (that's how you know when someone really cares), Don't Cry For Me Argentina talked to him about a road trip, English says farewell, Sayonara, Salamat whatever, Z's going to be the only person of the multiplying persuasion around now, the last sock puppet show went to Molly and New York Peter hasn't learned his lesson because he talked about blowing up Meerkat cabin. Hell Spawn and Marie were awkward and said goodbye.

Tori was 'chillaxing' whatever that means. No, wait, I got it. I'm hip. I get it. John Connor was where he always is, right in the shower. Red's little lesbian lived up to her name and woke up with Ami, Jake's Dad might kill people according to Jake's conversation with Krycek, D'anna emailed and John Connor got down and dirty with a member of the clergy. Someone's fallen into a bad habit.

Pam lied to Jim about never drinking again, D'anna wandered away from the party I'll talk about later, Jack tried to get Cedric out of his pants for apparently but not believably undirty reasons and later he wandered off to talk to some guy during the party.


Town: Party Central of the Not-Entirely-There East Coast Islands

Red didn't have enough of teaching and decided to try his hand at teaching Vanna and Arashi to drive. I haven't got a call requesting bail yet, but who knows?

Tannim left town and so did Jamie Madrox aka Hell Spawn. More partying! Al...there's that word again. Al was 'chillaxing' at the Book Haven, Leapin' Liz opened the Post Office and Buffy opened the Magic Box. Luke's Diner had a Rufus Wainwright day, there was a swordfighting angel in the Park, the doctor watched, Kira was impressed...by the swordwork and Tori talked summer plans.

Rosette was out of her habit and into John Connor. Not dirty. Maybe. Turtle & Canary are always open to making a profit off the needs of tourists and Xander opened YMCA. Bridge went to find him, M's moving out, the new sheriff commiserated over the eyepatch wearing thing and Parker was there doing something.

Rory waited for her family at the Perk, alumni Logan (not teacher Logan) learned all about Yale's libraries and didn't commit seppuku, Rory met Jake's Dad, then the family arrived and complained. Leo took a page out of Turtle's book with the exploitation and Jaye's family were at JGOB. Everyone wisely stayed away.

The new owners of the Arms Hotel checked people in. Okay, deep breath. There were MacGyver, Jake's Dad and freaky friend, Angel, Logan and Sean, the Naughty Nun, Captain Jack Harkness, Sydney Lavert, the Grandma, Grandpa and Lorelai Gilmore, Mom, Dad and Rat Bastard Hopeless-Savage, three shady looking guys under the name Conte, Emo Angela's friends, Chloe Sullivan, Piper Halliwell and Callisto.

The clinic was quiet and Caritas staff claimed not to sell liquor to minors. Hamlet was there with his dead father and a color-coded cavalcade showed up for a good time.


Ain't no party like a Fandom High party, 'cause a Fandom High party don't stop until a week later when slowplay has to end

Courtesy of last year's Seahorse cabin, the most promiscuous cabin in all of la-di-da Fandom land...you know, I don't know what I'm saying. I think you've all made my brain turn gelatinous from this drivel. Let's get it over with. There was a party!

There was a tiny pink kitten frolicking in the sand and I'd be happy never to use the word 'frolicking' ever again. Parker talked to it and it's apparently Zero. Rat, Zero's brother with parents who rival Rory Gilmore's in the stupid name stakes, recognized her. Angela introduced her friends around, Logan Echolls got half-naked and Angel and Jack enjoyed the view. Angel and Logan called Parker 'Mom' and 'Babymomma' but I'm not seeing any reports of brutal stabbings, so it could be a lie. Zero-kitty attacked Angel's ankle, but the rest of him was busy being Captain Obvious. D'anna and Jack preened at each other, Logan and Anakin accomplished not killing each other and Jack did the meet and greet thing with Summer, before Summer went to talk to Tori. Billy talked to Tori, Rose told Jack he's shameless (another Captain Obvious) and Irulan was glad shirtlessness was optional. Parker made fun of Irulan's crazy hat. Like you can talk Parker. Those shoes? Yeah.

Jack met Naomi for the first time, Kyo lurked, Lindsey is all about equal opportunity nudity, Molly told Jack and Logan about Ray leaving. D'anna gave the underaged girl alcohol, Rory's grandparents were scandalized, D'anna found Ben, John welcomed MacGyver back. Back?

Dean and Alec decided they were sexy, sexy beasts and I'm never saying those words again either. Alec and Annie talked about being five, MacGyver greeted Bridge, Stark and Zhaan chewed the fat, Kawalsky was surprised to see his buddy Ferretti and introduced him to Alanna and Sam (the blonde leggy one) was surprised to see Ferretti as well. Surprises all around!

MacGyver and Jack talked all about leggy Sam, Xander was uncertain with MacGyver. MacGy...I'm calling you Mac. He then congratulated leggy Sam on getting a job with the Phoenix Foundation. Ferretti thought Mac was someone else, Jack made Lau go shirtless and Parker asked Lau about Jake's Dad's whereabouts.

Doctor Whatshisname was there and got promised a dance by Jack, Rose tried to get him to take his shirt off and according to thin cheerleader girls dancing and eating at the same time is a good idea. Billy and River waved at each other, Jay and Silent Bob were doing some dealings of their own and Billy explained to Jack how he got beat up by Blair.

I think maybe Billy met Jay and Silent Bob before he came up with that one.

Jack and Cedric were all about the public displays of affection, then the charmer greeted Chloe. Chloe and Piper regaled tales of old, Jack appreciated Luke's sleevelessness, Luke complained about the cold, Luke and Tori have UST, a well-known acronym disease, and Annie told Leo he should skinny dip. Annie has also been into whatever Jay and Silent Bob were offering.

Jack complimented Isabel, Steve Peter and Isabel talked about parents and Fandom and...sewers. Whatever. Jack gave Steve Peter the 'don't hurt Isabel' talk. Get those glitter flags going, crazy people. Sydney didn't go shirtless. Everyone rejoiced. Isabel doesn't want to know about Xander's frog kinks. Is it a green thing? Xander thanked D'anna for the party, Bridge was clingy, Annie ogled Jack and wanted to get Billy drunk. Tori couldn't wait for her posse to show up, Dick has size issues, Skinhead gave Krycek trouble, Krycek then caught up with Chloe. New York Peter got the parental grilling from Zero's Mom and Dad, Marty met up with his pal and Angela's friends, the Winchesters Sam and Dean talked about the Seahorse spirit. Yeah, that's using the term lightly and D'anna asked Hamlet the age-old question: is that a remote in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

It was a remote.

Moving on. There was swimming! River went fully-clothed and Jack was there to swim with her. Big Bill with a Y and Ami sat on the edge of the water, Cedric and River gave me ample opportunity to make a joke about their names and Cedric threatened to turn Isabel into a sock. Not a tu...no, I'm not going there.

Music and dancing were a big part of the party. Parker and River were giant dorks, the bar was ever-popular and my nephew hit on D'anna. Jay of the notorious hetero life mate Jay and Silent Bob group tried to get Chloe to go shirtless.

There was food glorious food, complete with River and Buffy playing vampire slayers with the skewers and Wilson and Aziraphale talking about ch-ch-changes.

Eeeeeverybody Limbo! Chick-chicka-boom. Isabel explained it to Scar's kid and Scar, his kid and Isabel talked about gremlin limbo. You lose, you get bitten?

It was bonfire night in Fandom. Jack and Sam snuggled by the fire pushing me over my acceptable saccarine intake levels for the month, Aeryn and John talked about playing doctor, Jay of Jay and Silent Bob, not crazy girl, hit on Annette. Leo and Silent Bob shared a pipe.

Fireworks! I was wondering what that noise was. Bubble wrap or something. You can never have enough fireworks. Maybe more tomorrow. More fireworks! Steve Peter offered Isabel his jacket while they watched the fireworks, D'anna talked to some guy named Ben about family and then everyone went home. Eventually. Except me. I'm still here, reporting, not a sandwich in sight. I could really use a sandwich about now. You! Squirrel! Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.

Ack, no! Get off me you little furball! Gah! This is OW! Hades mother- garr on WTFH dear Zeus make it stop radio." Silence. "There. Don't mess with a god. This is Hades on WTFH radio. Good riddance, graduates, and get ready for what's set to be a tedious graduation ceremony as these things usually are. See you tomorrow, and try not to break anything."


[Party section title courtesy of krycek_rat]

"This is Hades, God of the Dead, Lord of the Underworld, here on WTFH radio a day early. I missed you all so much. Yeah. That's it. Let's get this over with.

Class: Some of Us Have It, Some of You Don't

Mystical Artefacts, otherwise known as the discarded toys of the gods, had a sub teacher and a movie. I had a date like that once. Jo Harvelle, otherwise known as my indentured slave, told Dean about how she inconvenienced me yesterday. Don't forget to bring a sewing kit.

The Gods and You, as taught by my illustrious and sexually perverted nephew, had a review session. Annie sulked at Waistcoat Guy, then threw paper wads at Peg Leg Ninja. Then Malibu Stacy sucked up to Ares for a better grade and talked about gods and tearing holes in reality. My advice - get a new hobby.

Anatomy reviewed and Marty wanted to go over the reproductive system again. This isn't news, he's a teenage boy. Chad needed the birds and the bees story again.

Space Cadet Class reviewed, Drama Geeks worked on their projects, Future Dropkicks of America played their own music and Science!, the only class with special punctuation, baked.

The Horse With No Name, Drama Queen and The Divine Ms M had office hours.

Media Lackeys R Us met and got their assignments while Broodatron 4000 watched on. And took his shirt off. Wait, no, that was the squirrel's wishful thinking. Dirty little freaks.

The library was open, and there's no Old Maid to speak of today, but the glove committee met to talk about stuff I don't care about.



Dorms: Now With 100% More S'mores

The lobby got a work out today thanks to Malibu Stacy and her cookies. Steve Peter had a crappy day, but Isabel made it aaaaall better if you know what I mean. Annie got the whole story about the breaking of time and space, Cassie was there to talk about bratty kids, Ponytail complained about the free food but took some anyway, Tori who I haven't come up with a nickname for yet talked about traffic cones and Isabel and Malibu Stacy made the squirrels cry tiny squirrel emo tears. In the meantime, Squirrely Hair Girl spazzed out, Wholesome Broody Kid Shawn was impressed and somewhere not in the lobby, Nadia and Waistcoat Guy played with their food. Didn't anyone ever teach you that's rude?

Second Floor Common Room got Pam. See Pam. See Pam bark. Bark, Pam, bark. Crazy Hat Lady came in and gave her a belly rub and some liver treats.

Fifth floor common room got Annie, who tried to pretending she wasn't watching Skinemax. The late great John Connor complimented Annie on her taste and told her that he's going straight to Hell. See you there. I'll save you a seat.

Third Floor Common Room, because doing these things in order is so passe, thought she was Marie Antoinette, Queen of all France. Off with her head! Katara joined her highness for hot chocolate and some guillotine action.

And back to the lobby, where the Proud Republican and Tory Students and friends had Fandom Feud, the game show that doesn't make sense. Team One, who all have detention as soon as I get around to it, were Madrox, Rikku and Red. They had to guess the Top 10 Most Popular TV Shows in Fandom. Maude didn't cut it. Red cried. Then came Top 10 Ways to Annoy Hades. Half of the answers were standing right there.

Team 2 was John Connor on his own. A one man team who guessed Top 10 Worst Places in Fandom to End Up Naked. He must have had experience, because he gave GPS coordinates.

team 3 was Ponytail, who guessed wrong the Top 10 Weetiny Animals that might invade. He got punched. Malibu Stacy got detention. Red got threatened and had his love life questioned by another man in red.

Team 4 was Annie and yesterday's radio Princess Jaye. Top 10 Teachers Who Will End Up in Jail for them. Red boasted. Fraser was gentlemanly. Annie blushed about Ares' tower.

Yeck.

John Connor's getting a lot of action today, and none of the fun stuff, because he had a coffee bath alone. Good for the skin. Wait, no, Liz interrupted. Or maybe that was later. Naomi was invited in...or maybe that was later as well. There was talk of the little brats from the weekend. Squirrely Hair Girl got news from home, Jack took a long walk off a short pier, Dances with Prada made a phone call.

Cally snooped around Teddy's travel plans if you know what I mean, Ami emailed the chess geeks, Aeryn sulked like a baby, Setsuna snorted glitter and Ami studied like the wind.

I don't know how wind studies. It thinks everything is a breeze.


Town: Insert Clever Pun Here To Cover the Groaning From That Last Line

Haha. Scar, otherwise known as my new pal Anakin Skywalker, was talking to himself. A lot. With hand gestures. Possibly kissy faces. Is there a shrink in the house?

The angel and the doctor talked about Lucy, who I still haven't met. Wonder why that is? Huh. The Divine Miss M sent an email, Stanley made lunch, the Hippy is throwing a party - Saturday night, be there. Hippies throw great parties.

Luke's was opened by Malibu Stu, Hannelore opened OCD 4 U, some guy I've never heard of opened Sanctity, Nun Town was open and some guy named Remington was there. So was John Connor. T&C was open to sell glitter to my old pal Rory Gilmore.

Katara opened the Post Office and had 16 children. No, wait. What? The Chad mailed things. He's leaving town, in case you're nosy. Katara ate hot dogs and then they both did the Monster Mash.

No, wait. What? Gah, squirrels.

Ami opened the Magic Box, Lana opened Book Haven, the Perk was innuendo central around breakfast time and Candlestick Guy opened Cafe Fina. BridgenXander, which sounds like an exotic disease that everyone should be innoculated from stopped in for dinner, Ponytail wanted to know what was with the lemurs and Hamlet, king of the color black, wanted to know about special bookings.

Down at Ye Olde Waste of Money Clinic, Boy Wonder - sorry, DOCTOR Boy Wonder - watched TV and Kyo showed him his cast. If you know what I m...no, that's over done now. At Caritas, Phoebe was drinking on the job, Anders was making excuses to use on teachers, and then they done personal displays of affection. Then Phoebe switched to laying the lip smackdown on Bel. I'm not commenting on Phoebe's promiscuity. It's too easy.

At Lucy's House of Love, Neil cleaned and studied and Kabuto offered to help.

And we're out. This is Hades. This is Fandom. No more kids this weekend or I'm putting contraceptives in the water supply!"

"Hot on the heels of Fandom Peril! it's your favorite host, Hades, here on WTFH radio on Good Friday. I don't know what's so good about it, but I'm here. With a chicken." Bergok! "It wants me to inform you all that it's a funky chicken. Don't try to make sense of this place. You'll only hurt yourselves."

Class: Some of Us Have It, Some of You Don't

The lady who likes pickle ice cream gave a shout out to everyone who has detention tomorrow.

US Government learned about the two forms of government that no one cares about. Music is Love did TV theme songs."

*plays the Bitterwoman theme song*

"Villains and Villainy had an alien robot attack. There aren't enough life or death situations in classrooms these days. And Adventuring Blah Blah learned about redemption and irredeemable evil. Interesting."

Assembly was a waste of everyone's brain cells. There was a play by The Tick and his troupe of volunteer suckers. The suckers got into costume, the audience brought cameras. I'll take 'Blackmail Material' for 1200.

Act I had two siblings, a troll, lost bagpipes, hairstyle swapping, fights, found bagpipes and broken bagpipes. I'm getting the feeling that bagpipes were the talk of the town. The audience were confused out of their mind.

Act II had the hero's true love, monkeypox which can only be cured by - you guessed it - bagpipes, a monkey-hunting sheriff, apples, light monkey bondage and someone cruelly named Serendipity. The audience were still confused, except those who watch soap operas, who are used to this kind of thing.

Act III introduced the Scooterina family: Terrance, Wilma Lou, Macgillina and fifteen other children. Terrance and Wilma Lou don't get out much. There was hot dog eating, cow pornography, more bagpipes, wide hips, contendahs, insane parents and, bagpipe fixing, male pregnancy threats and horrible disfiguration. Now we're talking. So were the audience. The ones that were still conscious, that is.

The office was open and there were office hours for Cherry Blossom, Red, Barbie, Vanna, Lycra and Scar.

And, of course, the Old Maid opened the library. Malibu Stacy and Teacher Spice took pity on her and stopped by to talk.

Self-Defense met, asked questions, got down and sweaty and the Principal's boyfriend was there, watching. Creepy.

Student Council, the mockery of modern democracy, talked about prom, not prom and Receding Hairline Man.

And in other news, Tyler was lurking the halls and probably up to no good.


Dorms: No Buzzers Allowed

The roof, the roof, the roof wasn't on fire, but Billy was up there with binoculars. Pervert. Tori told him something weird was going on in Fandom. In other news, the Pope is Catholic.

Annette was lurking in the halls too. There might be a conspiracy going on. A lurking conspiracy.

The Fourth Floor Common Room had a Japanese lunch extravaganza and karaoke bar thanks to Ami. John Connor took advantage of Ami. Or the food. Whatever.

Alec and Hunter fought for the glorious prize of yarn. Dean watched and talked about decency laws which apparently don't apply if you're pretty or Deadpool.

Emoanders was nuzzled by a sugar glider, Parker warned him to hide. Possibly because River was looking at knives and fountain pens.

Emo demon was frozen but Parker embarassed him out of it. Chad and Teddy talked about weirdness in Fandom and how grass is green unless you live in a drought-plagued area. Ami sent email, Cedric Diggory got company in the form of Herman's girlfriend, Bel watched Lana, Phoebe and Marie get it on.

Katara ran away like a girly girl to Teddy. Jack and Sam were happy about something. Too happy, if you ask me. Madrox, who's not the Taco Bell mascot anymore, asked Marie, who's now a lesbian or something, to prom.

Lana who, rumor has it, has had an interesting week, was woeful and went to see Jim to cheer herself up. Booty call is the answer! Gwynn had a fashion crisis and woke up Conner. Phoebe and Bel hid in their room away from the weirdness of Fandom. Just think kids, graduation isn't far away. Flee from the madness when you can! Flee far, far away! Wyatt found himself in his aunt's boyfriend's boyfriend's bed. Someone call Jerry Springer.

Last year's Seahorse cabineers threw a party. I wasn't invited. Elitists. Sam C and Jaye talked blowtorches and booze. Sam W brought junk food. Jaye and Jack discussed running for mayor. There was more drinking. Annette wanted to learn about body shots. Jaye introduced her to syphilis instead. That's way more than I ever wanted to know. Yeck.

Dawn was embarassed. She fixed that by mocking Dean. Jaye tried to get Old Maid drunk enough to drunk dial. Don't call me. Dean showed up shirtless. He was still mocked. Better work on those abs, kid. Alec showed up with five pounds of pixie stix. Someone call the clinic.

Angela gatecrashed, Jack introduced everyone to edible body paint and gave Dawn and Annette a tattoo. Old Maid was a spoil sport and refused to get shirtless. Dawn and Sam W wooed. Annette will learn tomorrow never to combine Cheetos and whiskey and apparently she's a bad influence, because her idea of body shots caught on.


Town: Ninjas, Pirates, Zombies and Pie.

The Magic Box was opened by Buffy, who laid some golden eggs. Liz opened the Post Office but didn't lay eggs. John Connor stopped in to talk superpowers. Eeesh. Heroes. Al opened the book store with the ridiculous name. There was hot chocolate involved. It was Tori Amos Day at Luke's Diner. I don't know what that means, but I think my ears are bleeding. Sparky's was opened late and yet there was no firing. No firing makes me sad.

There was a sandvalanche at the Photo Hut. Someone should probably dig the hippy out. Evie and Jack had ice cream and Ray and Molly played pool at Fast Eddie's.

It's a slow night in sleepy Fandom town.

The clinic had Wilson and the angel during the day and Lambert at night.

An illusionist, a Doctor. and a banana daiquiri walked into a bar. Caritas was open.

Sakurazaki is a wench according to the squirrels. And she opened the Devil's Nest. Al joined her to drown his sorrows.

Yeah. So, business as usual. Don't trust any giant rabbits that might show up this weekend bearing chocolate. The chicken says the rabbits want to eat your toes."

Bergok!

Click.

"Hello again puny mortals. Or not so puny since you managed to survive Posiedon's usual tricks. This is Hades on WTFH penguin radio. All penguin all the time. Woo-hoo. You can feel the love right here.

Class: Some of Us Have It, Some of You Don't

US Government run by Receding Hairline Man had an exam. Liz the crazy girl apologized for skipping class and Dawn of the frying pan, whatever that means, asked for a make-up test. Does that involve eyeliner?

Music is Love got into the St Patrick's Day spirit by singing Irish drinking songs. They're nowhere near as amusing when you're sober. Unless you're a penguin, then everything is hilarious. The kid with the weird ponytail didn't get it. No one was surprised. His not as clueless sister talked to the green horny guy after class.

Villains and Villainy tried to solve a mystery and faced off against some putz named Moriarty.

Fandom's very own professional spinster with the lame name opened the library.

I had office hours, not that any of you came to see me thank Zeus, and also on the office hours trail were the office, Grandma, the Winged Not-So-Wonder, Space Cadet, Broodatron 4000, Orphy and Tall, Dark and Glowering. Aeryn, Spinster, Molly and Farmboy stopped by.

Student Council were as useless as ever and there was an abundance of potatoes at lunch. Possibly evil potatoes. Evil potatoes with little fangs and a thirst for penguin blood.


Dorms: So Many Kids, So Little Arsenic

Okay, first of all we have some good news. People left! I'd tell you to ask your friends about it, but they're probably gone. You should follow.

Jude and Blair are ruthless hippies, Pippi was a floozy and hugged another girl's boyfriend, same with Annie and Tori who also talked about which faculty members were best to sleaze onto. The girlfriend showed up for her obligatory hug.

Crazyflakes aka Deadpool thought Jude was a prostitute. I hear that job makes good money. Sokka the ponytailed wonder got himself some man love, there was some girl-on-girl action with Annie and Pippi, Tori and Pippi and Rikku and Pippi. You know you can change your name by deed poll in most states.

There's a whole lot more hugging between Sokka and Pippi, Annie and Hippy Boy, Pippi and Hippy and Manwhore and Hippy. Tori and Blair aren't a joke about British politics, but decide that hugging is an infectuous disease and now you're all going to die. Rikku and Hippy bounce and hug, Sokka gets more manlove and Sokka hugs Rikku and that sentence had way too much use of the letter K for my liking.

Winchester Juniors 1 and 2 were in the Principal's Tower and I don't care how much the penguin is waggling his eyebrows at me, I am not adding 'bow-chicka-bow-wow'. River got out of here while she still can, Annie got a phone call, Cassie was her usual self in Stark's room, Rikku and Manwhore had some 'oh-em-gee adorable' time together. Dawn and Isabel had catch up girl time that probably involved you-know-what and Weiss came to talk about Parker. Way to ruin the mood.


Town: No Longer Under the Sea

If you wanted to prove how much of a geek you are, go work at the post office. They're hiring. And they were open, complete with penguin dance routine. The Stupid Name Store was open and Deadpool is the Queen of England. The new guy showed up at the causeway. Make sure you make him feel right at home in Fandom by throwing him in the duck pond.

Scorpy showed up in the Park, Aeryn tried to kick his little shiny backside and got arrested for her troubles. Hah, gotta love comic timing. The Troopers are never around when you need 'em and always there when all you want to do is kill a guy.

Cafe Fina was run by penguins. The guy in charge is a candlestick. The place is moving up in the world.

Trooper Central was busy tonight, but there aren't any details. The squirrels have written a lot of things that APPARENTLY I can't say on the air or I'll get beeped out again. *BEEP*ing squirrels.

Photo Hut was open, but no one cared.

Caritas was the place to be if you wanted to throw your drink on the owner for $10. I don't know the owner. This may be a good deal. Scorpy was out making friends and influencing people. Namely, Crichton, who now wants to kill him. I like this guy already.

The nun complained about the waste of booze going on. And apparently 'Lent blows'. You heard it right here from the voice of a penguin. Well, not a real penguin. They can't talk. A nun penguin. With the habit. Thing. Whatever.

John Connor hit on the nun and is going to hell.

New guy stopped in at the clinic, Billy came to visit during the day and it was quiet as usual for Doctor Lambert's shift.

And we're done. Don't forget to wear green tomorrow. Submit to your penguin overlords and they'll treat you well. Or don't and suffer their wrath. You didn't think they were here for a vacation, did you?"

"It's Friday. Who knew? The squirrels did, that's who. This is Hades, God of the Dead and Lord of the Underworld, here reporting the local news on WTFH for you darling little mortals. Savor the moment. It's something you can tell your grandchildren about if any of you actually breed.

Now there's a thought that's going to fester.

Class: Some of Us Have It, Some of You Don't
Actually, none of you have class. It's Spring Break. Why aren't you all in Daytona or Miami Beach? Or, I don't know, Risa? Yeah, well, think about it for next time. Go away, you clingy little things.


Dorms: I Hope They Use Bleach Regularly

Jude was in the lobby. There was a Rikku. There was Jude finding out Rikku is a cheerleader. There was the swapping of bodily fluids. Use your imagination.

In the Fourth Floor Common Room, Billy had pizza. Is he still alive? High school kids and pizza? It's like hyenas and a zebra. Or a minotaur and an ice cream cake. It never ends well for the zebra. Billy's the zebra here, or the guy holding the zebra. Or the party clown. If I cared enough, I'd say someone should go check and see if he has all of his limbs attached (real or not), but I don't. Ami showed up with a map and an ice sculpture. Okay. Tori brought writing materials. What kind of pizza gathering is this? Pizza's better hot and you don't write on it. Shawn told Billy he was on drugs. Or given superpowers by aliens. Same thing. Pippi was as helpful as ever. Yeah. She was just there for the pizza. Admit it. Liz isn't making the doctors work for their wage anymore, Pippi and Liz confessed their undying love for each other and Setsuna showed up to help. I'm assuming that means help finish the pizza or drugs. Or drugged pizza.

Eminem was in the Fifth Floor Common Room. Or M&Ms. The guy has his own candy? I want my own candy. The Hades Bar. There are so many inappropriate jokes here. I can't decide which one to use. Zuko is leaving town. No one threw him a party. I think that right there shows that the guy needs to work on his people skills. Pippi said hi to Sokka's chinchilla.

I feel like all of the jokes coming to mind today are below me.

No, wait, here's one that's already written for me. Hermione had a daisy grow out of her head. Comedy...well, I wouldn't call it gold, but it's at least bronze.

It's schmoopy couples central for Peter and Willow before Peter left to fight giant lizards, Sakurazaki beat up Ranma for getting into a fight with Deadpool (shyeah, right), Jude and Rikku got flexible, Lana got a call from Jimbo, Dawn and Winchester Junior Number 2 got down and dirty, Sam Carter and Jack wrote love letters to each other. Gag. Dick picked Annie up for a date, Katara slapped Zuko after they got into a fight and John and Aeryn had a fight. No idea if there was slapping involved. If John's in the clinic, there was.

River wrote a letter home and talked to Parker about Blair and Jack. Oooh jealousy. The roof was an emo alert zone for Anders and Nadia. And Neil and either Connor or Conner with an er (I don't care which) talked about alien probes. Seriously, no one cares that much about your rear end except maybe Doctor Venture.

Town: The Only One in America With No Starbucks

Luke's Diner had a Fleetwood Mac day. Complete with Yahtzee dressed for the occasion. Nadia came by to be a squealing fangirl.

Moist worked on setting up the Post Office. Then he delivered the mail. Good. I want my BPAL package.

Parker waited at the causeway for some friends. She has friends? Oh, Isabel showed up and made Parker think about switching sides to bat for the other team, Jack showed up and worried about Sam. I'm sure she could join in if you asked the girls nicely. Cedric was there with his broomstick.

If you're ever bored one day, sit back and play 'spot the phallic symbol'.

Anakin was at Emo Beach. Anakin. I know guys called Hermelecles and Ariad...something. And still? Anakin? As in Bananakin? Wow your mom must have used a random word generator. John, Faithful and Rory (another person with a stupid name) came by to soak up some emo. Maybe you should collaborate and work on getting your names changed by Deed Poll. I'm not against suffering (hello, Greek god), but no one should have to suffer like *that*.

Doctor Troy had a busy morning in the clinic. It's STD season. Conner was there, so were Luke and Badly Named Rory. Dirty. Liz, John Connor and Lana had overnight stays and visitors. There were probably boils involved. Yeck. Everyone had cleared out by evening. Learn from their germs.

Dick and Annie had a date at Ching Tai. The squirrels want you to know that no one's been stood up and there's no food fights. So it was a boring date.

MC Xander was working in the MC lobby on an MC Friday night. Hope he's getting paid overtime.

Lucy's Place had customers. I wasn't one of them, so I don't care. But the squirrels do. Mask Girl got a package, another way too easy joke, and flirted with Silent Bob. Silently.

Caritas had GOB back. A very bruised GOB. Pippi sang to show off to Chad. This is Chad. Watch Chad drink. Drink Chad, drink. Pippi wouldn't leave the guy alone and everyone's favorite blonde couple showed up. Dick got Annie drunk. The local stoner hit on Pippi and the nun has given up beer for Lent. Only in Fandom.

And because no Friday night can go without a good laugh, people went hunting for a Lichenthrope. Very funny, squirrels. You spelled 'lycanthrope' as if it was a 'lichen'. As in the mold." Chittering. "What do you mean that's right? There's a rabid piece of mold out there trying to turn other people into rabid pieces of mold?" More chittering. "Okay, fungus. It's a fungus?" Even more chittering. "Right, right, a fungus and an algae. Wikipedia says so, so it has to be true. I invented wikipedia. There's a rabid piece of mutant fungus-algae on the loose. Hermione and Dawn show up to fight crime. Or the fungus of doom. Apparently, there's no difference. Fred brought a cheese grater. Instead of, you know, weed killer. Zero is in and is apparently awesome because she's Zero. I think 'mentally unstable' is closer to the mark. Annie and Rikku decided they should've brought their claws. Even though Annie doesn't have one. But Fred gave her a trawl. Yes squirrels, it's called a trawl, not that 'garden tool that's not a hoe but looks like a claw'.

Sokka isn't threatened by the fungus. Wait until you start growing mushrooms behind your ears. Zack brought a gas mask so he doesn't inhale spores. He never inhaled. And, no really, they all went and hunted the lichen.

There's not much you can say about that except what the *BEEP*? Get away from that button. I can say *BEEP* if I want to. Stop beeping me out for saying *BEEP*. What do you mean kids' show? Since when has the radio been a kids' show? *BEEP* the kids' show. This is Hades, *BEEP*ing God of the *BEEP*ing Dead, Lord of the *BEEP*ing Underworld and I'll say whatever the *BEEP* I want on *BEEP*ing WTFH radio. *BEEP*ing squirrels."

"Wow, is it Friday already? Time flies when you sleep through the week. This is Hades, the one and only, on WTFH radio. Let's get this show on the road because you're all out dancing and being disgustingly mortal, so there's a lot to cover.

( Talky meat )

That's it. More dancing probably, but even squirrels need sleep. Remember, if you're having sex, use protection. The last thing we need around here is more kids."

*CLICK*

"I don't know why I keep coming back here. Possibly the teeth marks on my ankles from the squirrels. They're persuasive, what can I say? Let's have some fun with this. I'm Hades, this is Fandom Radio and the pirate loves you all. Not like that. Outta the gutter, mortals.

Oh, and Herman is here." Squeak squeak. "He says hi."

Class: Some of Us Have It, Some of You Don't

"I made an announcement this morning. If you weren't listening, detention! Vader's not the only one who can give detentions over radio, dang it. Anyway, the school board's coming and there's a dorm inspection on Wednesday. The notes say I said to 'Oh behave use British accent k-t-h-n-x'. I don't understand some of these notes.

Music is Love (if you say so) had a Heroes and Villains theme. Artie the Strongest Man...in the World! and Darth Vader were the judges. Why wasn't I invited? I could be a perfectly good judge. Hades for judge! Feed my ego here people, yeesh. Oh, yeah, and the kids did their thing.

Adventuring Survival Tactics learned about tentacle porn." Squeak. "I couldn't make this stuff up. The students tried to hit on each other, River wanted to make sure Berthold never tried to feel her up, Ami didn't have the stomach for it, Teddy cried me a river and Rose saw The Doctor for an after-class interlude. If you know what I mean.

Villains and Villainy dealt with Annoying Villains. Okay, what? Seriously, what? Shoot them. Move on. No one was in the mood but they had to deal with Sam I Am anyway. Right.

US Government had a test and Irulan asked Josh for advice on becoming a monarch." Squeak. "Yeah, I don't get it either. Let's get away from the boring school stuff and onto all of the other boring things you did today.

I had office hours. No one showed. Thank Zeus. I mean, ingrates! The lot of you! Barbie had office hours too. Accessories weren't included. The Caf was open and it was football fever all the way. Aaaand poor little lonesome Rory Gilmore of the Stupid Name opened the library. More on that later.


Dorms: The Roof, The Roof, The Roof is on Fire. I Wish.

Jack was in the hallway staring at his feet, then he was transparent. Well that's what happens when you wear your heart on your sleeve, or your kidneys on your ankles or your appendix on your belt. Evie got warned about shadows. Seriously, you're scared of shadows? What kind of wimps are you people? Then Rose walked Jack to class. I'm not saying a word. Rumor speaks for itself.

The in the Fifth Floor Common Room, Pippi went to the pantry and had a fit. River tried to warm her up. If you know what I mean. Then they talked about a dance club. I could do a dance club. There could be parties. Remember kids, there's no party like a Hades party 'cause a Hades party don't stop. Billy waved to River and then got invisible. How do you just 'get' invisible? Whatever.

Ami baked in the Fourth Floor Common Room. I see no baked goods. Where are my baked goods? Ami told John Connor she was worried about the shadows. You're really scared of your own shadows, huh. What a pushover. Billy kissed her. Keep in your pants, kids! Pippi fell through the ceiling and landed in a bowl of cake mix. Hahaha aaaahahahahaha comedy gold. Naomi said hey. Charming young girl that one, then Billy asked how she was doing and Naomi avoided the cake mix."

Thunk. Thunk. Thunk.

"That's my head meeting the desk. Why? Because your trivial daily events somehow make the news and I DON'T CARE. Let's share some more, equally inane news, shall we?

6 and Valentine duke it out with their shadows. Naomi was attacked by a shadow while calling home. Zack was attacked in bed. Is that what we're calling it these days? Annette played the victim to Cally. Note to self: Annette can play damsel-in-distress. Good to know. Marty and Angela remembered yesterday. Yes.

Parker got attacked by a shadow with Weiss in the room. So much for the knight in shining armor. Angela returned some phone calls, Matilda saw some twin ghosts, Valentine got attacked again, Isabel guarded Jack. Okay seriously? The euphemism are getting a bit much. Mac and Cally were cute and Nadia curled up with a sick Walter.

And if all of that went out your ear, the entire thing can be summarized by saying everyone had lots and lots of sex and the squirrels came up with all new ways to say it. And I still don't give a...whatever.


Town: That Place. With the Thing. You Know The One.

Miho made a phone call. Isn't she the one that doesn't talk? How would that work? GOB left Fandom. Farewell, crazy man I don't know. Get out while you still can!

Down at Caritas, GOB didn't show. Because he left town. I just said that. Tino declared Shirtless Friday. Really? Well, if you insist. Hang on a second, kids." Ruffle ruffle oof ruffle. "...that's better. I feel free! And I'm not paying for your therapy bills. Venture drank beer and was shirtless. Excuse me while I shudder." Squeak. "Herman shuddered too. Luke and Dean celebrated victory, but only Dean was shirtless and actually drinking. Luke was a pansy boy. Katara didn't get naked, but she did stare at Dean.

The Devil's Nest was not clothes optional and there were half-price drinks for teachers. Lucy was there looking as suave as ever. Luce! Call me. We'll do lunch.

The clinic was quiet. And yet, the doctors still get paid. Don't let them get paid for nothing! Get out there and get injured! They give out lollipops.

Cheesecake reigned supreme, but didn't rain at Cafe Fina, Batou opened Sanctity, the doctor who gets paid too much for nothing took a walk in the park and The Turtle & Canary and Photo Hut were open.

Can I go home now? No. No I can't, because some of you little brats were out playing hero. Wahey! Bored now.

Shadows: They Can Smell Your Spicy Soul

It was research central down at the library. Aww little Gilmore got some friends, even with that name. Irulan told Cameron that Parker was out for the count, Katara taunted Cam with hot chocolate he couldn't drink, Molly and Cam are to blame for the shadows. Or, you know, the sun. Cam and Tori talked about getting shadowed and eating ice cream. Tannim brought Wyatt a birthday cake. Can we say 'bad timing'? Liz helped, Haruhi and the twin ghosts talked and Ami was there.

Katara called Zack's books dumb, Evie and Irulan talked about Jack, blah blah blah, Summer was there, John Connor was there, Rose was there, Alanna, the ghost twins, Molly and Deadpool were there. The whole family, right?

Rose promised help, Tori and Annette and Tori and Luke discussed their girly feelings, Katara declared herself queen of Hot Chocolateville, The Principal's future stepson talked to Blonde 1 about Blonde 2, then on to Blonde 3. Then Blonde 3 talked to Blonde 4 about...you guessed it, shadows.

Group 1 researched Fandom history, Group 2 researched the shadows, Group 3 researched spells and then everyone got ready and went all hero type on us.

You people are so predictable.

Luke, Katara and Dean kicked some shadow behind at the causeway, Selkie Cove was covered by Chad, Alanna, Rose and Clark. Aww cute couples. Wyatt, Sam, Deadpool and Nadia took the East side of the Preserve and Izzy, Conner, Tori and Tannim took the West side. If you break out into song and there's Sharks and Jets involved, I'm going to hurt you all. Oh, and Weiss, penguin boy and LaForge were over at Galactica Point engaging in some male bonding.

Is that it? That's it. They won. The shadows are gone, just like at noon every day, and it's another day in paradise for the laughing stocks of the multiverse. I say goodnight, Herman says goodnight," squeak! "And try not to choke on anything."

Hades: "Guess who's back, kids? It's your old pal, Hades. That's right. Me. Hades. The squirrels have roped me in again, but I'm not alone. Meet...who the heck are you?"

Ellen: "Ellen Harvelle. That supposed to be Hades as in 'Lord of the Underworld', or s'there another reason your head's on fire?"

Hades: "Lord of the Underworld, God of the Dead, party animal, lover of mortals and prince of pizzazz. At your service. This is Fandom Radio, and if you haven't figured that out by now, I'm thinking your brain has been turned into pie."

Ellen: "Hey now, no need to be rude about it. Been in town all of two days and already I'm getting accosted by squirrels and herded into a radio station with a sarcastic deity. Now, are you going to yammer on all night or pass me some of those notes?"

( For the love of Fandom, you people talk way too much )