WTFH

...why am I here today?

*chittering*


Ah. I wouldn't disturb Cara if she's sick, either. This is Anakin Skywalker with the news of yesterday.

In classes, Paleontology learned about fossils, Bake-Off had Thor as a guest star to pronounce all of the pastry names for Nordic Week, and Jon took his class to a women and children's shelter to volunteer.

In town, Summer was recruiting for 3-Minute Dates at Caritas. Rey came by for a drink and learned that sometimes Summer's family fights monsters in a giant suit made out of ferrets, and I would like to point out that my family is odd but not that odd and I would like a reward of some kind. Not the Cup Noodle jello shot that Stark was asking about, though. Lucifer and Duke were probably not having those on their date night, either, but unlike the squirrels, I'm not interested in the details of other people's evening activities.

*chittering*

That's right, I am judging you. And now I'm going home. Still judging you.

This is Anakin Skywalker this morning to tell you all the news from yester--

*chittering*

Just this?

To tell you that Tony and Steve had dinner together last night and ate, and I'm quoting, "all the things."

*long pause*

That's what you brought me here for?

*chittering*

You owe me coffee. I'll see the rest of you either tomorrow or Wednesday.

Good morning, this is Anakin Skywalker with your news of yesterday. It's fairly quiet, I assume because everyone was doing what I was: offering loud commentary to athletes from nations I've never been to about sports I've never played.

Lana was practicing her lightsaber in the park, Boc was getting his Sunday treat at the bakery, and my grandson's brother-in-law and his new bride were in a hotel room and that is all I will be reading about that, thank you very much, Leroy.

*chittering*

Because I deeply, deeply don't want more details. And that is everything. I will see you all on Wednesday.

Good morning, this is Anakin Skywalker with the news of Sunday--

*nervous chittering*

What do you mean "today is Sunday"? That makes this Jaye's problem.

*nervous chittering*

You're afraid of Jaye?! You should be vastly more afraid of me!

...and now the porg's crying. Fantastic. Let's just get through this. Amaya--AMAYA--I cannot believe I have to raise my voice over this racket--took her lobsters to the beach for some exercise.

*long pause filled only with porg sniffles*

This town is bizarre. And Watts and Steven had an afternoon of cuddling and waiting for vegetable stew to cook. And then they were attacked by the lobsters?

*chittering*

Well, it would have been more interesting. That's everything for yesterday. Bother Jaye tomorrow.

Good morning, it's Monday and--

*squirrelly grumbling*

Why would you have the day off today?

*more grumbling*

No. Tough. There weren't even that many notes to retrieve for me! There weren't any classes on a Sunday and the dorms were quiet. In town, Boc's quest to eat a cinnamon roll alone continued to be thwarted with Lydia coming in to tell him about her explorations into cranberry scones, and Arden showing him her new tattoo. Stark caught Boc in an introspective mood, thinking about home, and Arden informed Lydia of the existence of sunscreen. Yes, please use it. No one wants a sunburn. Don, who I'm sure put on sunscreen because he's a sensible person, was enjoying the weather in the park. He and I chatted and he will not adopt my great-great grandson. Ben and Andrew, that still makes him your responsibility. And Stark tried to give Don the hard sell on working at the clinic, though I'm not sure 'Navaan works there' is an incentive.

*chittering*

She is not my bestie.

That's all the notes for yesterday, you ungrateful rodents. Get to classes, and I'll see you at the firehouse open house. I'll be the one convincing my son to get off of the fire truck.

Hello, Fandom, this is Anakin Skywalker with your news for today. Tony Stark has been--

*frantic squirrel chitters*

Unavoidably detained. As you must have already realized, things got even stranger yesterday. If this is a surprise to you, lock your doors, don't go anywhere, and teach me how to be that oblivious once this is over. Over at the school, Constantine took Margo, Belle, Arden, Jon, and Dean into Special Collections to find the answer to whatever's causing our imaginations to literally run wild. And what's the answer?

*chittering*

What do you mean you didn't go in there?

*chittering*

I don't care that it's dangerous, this is your job.

*extended chittering*

I know what happened to Gandalf in there. You're absolutely useless. Someone go track Constantine and find out what the kriff he discovered.

Sam Eagle's class was Beaker-less but still filled with fire, Raiden wasn't going to let a small thing like a creepy island invasion stop his class from enjoying a pizza party, and he took that devotion to his store in town where McGarrett stopped in for what he was assured was a very boring pizza between rounds of patrolling the island. He also admired Raiden's giant sword.

*chittering*

Not dirty. Graham, despite being a goose this week, bravely defended Arden from three tiny Professor Vesses, the clinic crab fought off a mantis shrimp of its own making, and Mariner refused assistance from Captain Rogers as she fought of the newly murderous tendencies of the gift basket Tony Stark had left her to celebrate her first day at work. Sabine fought a dark version of herself--there's a terrifying thought--and Dean got to use the extremely useful lava in Rey's warehouse to kill off his murderous french fries.

*judgy chittering*

The lava is not an OSHA violation. I met Dean when he joined me on the warehouse ceiling to avoid getting squashed by the giant boulder--

*more judgey chittering*

--which Rey and I dispatched by throwing it out the ceiling and into the ocean. See? It's fine! If you looked up yesterday and saw a 20 foot boulder flying overhead, everything was perfectly safe and taken care of. At the Trooper Station, Watts stopped answering phone calls for lunch with Steven, who offered up his protection against the things going bump in the day. I think today's broadcast demonstrates that we have a variety of people that are willing to step in as well.

I'm off to find Constantine unless we hear something else. Leroy you useless sh---

*static*

Good morning from New Zealand, everyone, it's Anakin Skywalker with the news of the day. Apparently Stark has given Leroy the slip.

*sulky chittering*

Or he didn't look very hard. That's unprofessional, Leroy, and I do realize I'm lecturing a squirrel on professionalism. Let's start with what people were up to in town before we talk about our adventures here, shall we?

*more chittering*

Oh, you don't have any notes? This also seems unprofessional.

Yesterday was our second day in Rotorua. Atton woke me up very early and I shared a pillow with him and he was very ungrateful about it. There isn't a fitness center at this hotel, so Gladio made do with a run, and Cara and Surreal went for a horseback ride. Summer went to the spa, and many more of you went to the Wai-O-Tapu Thermal Wonderland. Cutter and Connor started planning their next holiday while still on their current one, Irene and Amaya wondered if Beaker would launch himself in the daily geyser: he did, and I wished I was more surprised to know that.

Some of us went skydiving--I recommend it--and Arden, Graham and Charlie went up the gondola and then ziplined down.

That evening, everyone went exploring for dinner. Cutter and Connor chose Indian, Rogers and Stark found ice cream, and Gladio and Nell ended up at a place called the Fainting Goat. Summer and the other Stark went wine tasting, which I'm sure will come in handy for Summer's mid-vacation party tonight.

And that's everything. The portal leaves soon, so get up and get going, everyone.

Hello again, Dean Skywalker with the news because Ms. Devlin had a very early flight back to Ireland to catch this morning, so now you get to hear me tell you all about team building yesterday.

*squirrelly cheering*

I do appreciate the attempt to kiss up to me. Truly. There were three teams of six people--in their usual tasteful shirts--and they worked together while painting pictures of alots, pushing beach balls across the pond using only water, finding a lime hidden among 20 socks, hiding a pineapple on themselves, and making a dramatic exit.

In town, Shunsui was ordered to return home immediately, and Marc and Watts were working on their house renovations with Dwight moving furniture in just in time for Illyana's dramatic arrival.

And at Caritas, Annie was having no problems at all moving around in her third trimester because I've had a wife who was pregnant with twins and I do not have a death wish to report anything different, Leroy, and Stark and Summer decided to go somewhere to celebrate her re-ownership of T&C now that Shunsui has gone back to doing whatever Shunsui does when he isn't here.

I presume more naps.

And that's everything! Enjoy your picnic this weekend, I shall be in Connecticut at some sort of Labor Day festival in my wife's home town and unable to attend.

*chittering*

I will take you with me and lose you in a corn maze, Leroy, don't think I won't.

Good morning, this is Anakin Skywalker with the new--ow. Ow. Stop throwing nuts at me!

*angry, vengeful chittering*

I don't think you can hold me responsible for things I did as a cat.

*suspicious chittering*

And I definitely didn't do anything to the teal deer. Let's get to the notes. This has become a slightly toxic work environment and I can't float the squirrels for the entire day.

As yesterday was Saturday, there weren't classes, but Miguel in town was inundated with the diner employees preparing for pumpkin spice season. My wife has the day it returns to coffee shops circled on her calendar--August 24th. And Stark and Summer indulged in afternoon naps, recreational drugs, and making out. I'm sure they're both thrilled I'm doing radio to report this, as well.

*slightly airborne chittering*

And that's all there is? Well, this is quite easy. Enjoy your week off, everyone.

Good morning, it's Anakin Skywalker again with the news. There isn't much, so don't worry about this interrupting your morning.

Irene had Dite's open and received a present from Marc, and then Watts stopped by and he also brought a gift. Summer was trying to convince Tino she had a personality beyond her Jello skills at Caritas and then had a visit from most of the usual suspects for the evening. Summer explained what was wrong with Jello confetti to Goose--so many things--and she and Connor commented about how hard it is to keep track of time the week between Christmas and New Year's. Steven and Connor were pleasant at each other, Ignis was drinking wine until Goose convinced him to try a sweet potato Jello shot. Watts was drinking port and got thanked by Stark for the chocolates. New person Nancy learned about Jello Shot Wednesdays, and Steven learned that Summer's whole apartment had been turned into a pool for a party. But then the apartment got better. Then Steven and Watts were cutesy--

*long pause*

I'm just repeating what the notes say. I don't use that word in my daily vocabulary. And Stark heard all about Summer's trip home.

And that's everything! I'll talk to you all next year.

Good morning, this is Anakin Skywalker with the news of yesterday. Ms. al-Jamil is off-island.

*chittering*

'Because YOLO', apparently. I have no idea what that means. Classes are on hiatus until next week, so we were all enjoying a quiet Monday. In town, Eliot showed up for work--that's it?--

*chittering*

Oh, the porg covered that and he's new. I'm sure he'll improve. Vi was late for her shift, everyone but Stark and the crab were wearing crab hats at the clinic, and Stark was trying to sneak out of the fire station without Eddie noticing he'd spent the night with Travis and...oh dear.

Now everyone knows.

*chittering*

I do not believe that this is also the porg's fault. I see those glitter flags, Leroy. And finally, we have a new island resident named Liliana who now runs the Fantasy Costco. In related news, we also have a Fantasy Costco. She met Eliot durig what I will assume was his break from his shift at the Magic Shop, and Steven, who invited her to visit the museum today.

So tune in tomorrow so see how that pans out, I guess. And that's everything! I'll see you at the picnic on Saturday.

It's Anakin Skywalker, back again because when Miss al-Jamil was contacted regarding her shift, she replied with "LOL no." Extremely helpful.

There's still no class or dorm news--students, make sure you or your caretaker have signed you up for next semester's courses or we will--

*excited chittering*

--we will not "yeet you into the sun." What the kriff, Leroy. There's just paperwork with the moose, and the moose is a huge pain.

*nervous chittering*

I said what I said. I'm not afraid of a moose. Liz was at the Perk yesterday, Astrid was sketching at the flower shop, and Shunsui received a welcome distraction from watching...whatever it was Apu was doing...in Lucille's visit. And it was Jello night at Caritas, which meant that it was busy, even for a down week. Wanda was there to tell Summer about her life on a superhero team and why that made a time loop where she turned back from a snake into a naked human in front of Steve Rogers especially humiliating. And now everyone knows about that. My apologies. Wanda and Annie also talked about superhero team logistics and how many blondes should be allowed in a group and that had never once occurred to me. Ever. Half the Jedi didn't even have hair. Summer harassed Dwight into going to the New Year's Eve party, Goose ordered the pickle juice and hot dog shot on purpose so someone check him for gremlin bites, and Stark was grateful for a quiet week, even as Summer reminded him of all the upcoming parties.

We have upcoming parties after New Year's Eve?

And Annie and Summer plotted to get Rey into high heels and pierced ears and I wish them the very best of luck with both of those endeavors.

That's everything from yesterday. Enjoy your day today, or become one with your sofa. I'm not in charge of your life.

ANAKIN: Why am I here? Why didn't you kidnap one of the morning run people instead?

*chittering*

ANAKIN: Why does Steve Rogers have a miniature pony? *papers shuffling* Ah, it's in the notes, apparently, so let's start there. In classes, Steve informed the class that Tony was now a pony and made them come up with ideas on how to save the pony from a swamp monster who wanted to eat him. I'm pretty sure there wasn't actually a monster so let's move on. The Chocobros--I am not calling them that--taught their class how to carve pumpkins, and Stark had students watching a show about being a superhero rather than teaching anything useful. And in town, Yasha was weaving tiny pumpkins into flower crowns at the flower shop and before you ask, yes, Rory, I'm picking one up for you on my way home. Dwight was organizing a shipment he'd received from Boston. Since the notes weren't more specific, I'm guessing he got tea. Or potholes. Or angry football fans. Amaya took a break from setting up her new Etsy shop to make masks for a masquerade party. There was a party?

*chittering*

Those are the NOTES for that party? I thought that was trash from the rest of the week!

STARK: No, no, it's Saturday and I'm not Jaskier and someone is already here...and it's Anakin. No, why am I here?

ANAKIN: I think it's to cover the party I didn't go to?

STARK: Why am I being punished for you not going to a party?

ANAKIN: You're just lucky that way.

STARK: This is your fault, isn't it? You did this. Of course you did this. Fine. I'll talk about Margo and Eliot's party and then we can both leave. I hope.

ANAKIN: Well, now that you put that out there, we're probably stuck here until Jaye shows up.

STARK: You said that. I didn't say that. Someone will come rescue us if we need it. I think.

*long, awkward pause*

( And everyone in the world talked for a thousand years. )

Good morning, everyone. Ms. al-Jamil has gone home for the holidays so I'm stepping in for her today. Alluka was trying out new fashions at Pixie Dust--I'm told her hair was especially adorable, but you're taking a squirrel's word on it--and Breq made a surprise visit to Tisarwat at the music shop. Astrid made party hats and noisemakers for the plants in the flower shop, which anywhere else would be cause for concern, and Kitty was decorating Caritas for a New Year's Eve party.

Please, please, please don't take home any party favors this time. For reasons I trust are self-explanatory.

And that's everything today. Have a quiet, enjoyable end to the year, or hunker down under blankets and wait for it to be over. I'm not in charge of your choices.

No, I'm supposed to be teaching, not doing radio today.

*chittering*


You're attempting to bribe me with a donut.

*chittering*

A Boston creme donut.

*long pause*

Hand me the notes. This is Anakin Skywalker, in today for Nina because I'm apparently a sucker for Boston creme donuts. Classes were held yesterday, of course. Leadership had a fake field trip to New Orleans to work on leading around...drunk people, which sounds bad but not as bad as Summer's class where they went to a planet just before it's annual free-for-all murder festival. I worry about you.

In town, Astrid was finishing up a picture of her date with Grog instead of doing work at the flower shop, Wayne was temporarily stymied by the wall of doors surrounding the scrap yard, and Alluka stopped by Groovy Tunes to get some violin music from Tisarwat. Duke was teaching porgs yoga--

*sounds of snickering being unsuccessfully repressed*

--until Rey stopped by for her weekly lesson and told Duke about her accidental mental connection to a man in our galaxy that Duke likened to an annoying telemarketer.

*long pause*

Something like that. Octavia came by too, in yoga-appropriate clothing, and promised she would do more than just watch Duke do all the work like Lucifer had last week.

Over at the Devil's Nest, Lucifer himself was playing David Bowie music, which didn't impress Cait since Lucifer didn't have an album and the zombies at Caritas did.

...and that was a sentence I said out loud. Wow. Seivarden stopped in to be sure Lucifer knew that Caritas was hosting a whiskey tasting last night, and Lucifer was pleased to learn that Kitty had taken his advice. Which leads me to Caritas, which was holding a whiskey tasting. Rosa was there to try out the varieties and had to work around her bandaged hands--due to poison oak, thank you, squirrels--and then she and Kitty talked about looking forward to the Spring Break trip next week--make sure you've signed up, everyone, we have to fill out the liability paperwork with the Portalocity gnomes on Friday--and then segued into other places they'd lived since Rosa's been to Manila before. Duke lasted four of his five whiskeys before asking Rosa about the hand bandages and stayed for her reviews of the whiskeys she'd tried already. Corellian whiskey does taste like swallowing fire. That's why it's my favorite. Duke learned that, too, since he had an entire flight of whiskeys from outer space.

And that's all the news from yesterday. Get to class, you're already late.

...I don't understand, why am I being dragged into the studio today?

*chittering*

That didn't really explain anything. I'm Anakin Skywalker, and apparently I do the news now, so let's get on with it so I can got teach my class. In yesterday's class, Summer turned her time into an impromtu sex ed course because it's that time of year again. It was probably not as effective as my "you'll get disesases and die" version, but I'm not in charge of the curriculum.

In the dorms, Tip was selling tickets to the dance tonight where I will absolutely be checking for drink spiking, so don't get caught. Paris and Trevor were flirting in her room and now you know that the dean knows about that. Just give yourselves the "sex causes diseases and babies and diseases" speech and we'll call it even.

In town, Sabine made absolutely certain that the Wellspring Arms was pristine, and that's it?

*chittering*

Well, today will be crazier. It's Prom. Remember kids: do the deed, get alllll the diseases. Condoms are your friends.

*chittering*

Well, I don't really care if you didn't want me to say condom.

Hello everyone, it's Dean of Students Anakin Skywalker today because Ms. Geller called out due to religious obligations. Let's get through these notes, shall we?

*wary chittering, then the sound of a banthabell ringing*

You're not funny. In classes, Karla tried to teach her class to make cookies. How exactly did she tapped to teach this particular course again? Dr. Aphra and I led a discussion about making good choices in Practical Ethics, at least until Theron decided to tranform from a bird into a naker person in the middle of it. Not a great choice. Bitch Ass Survival Guide learned a valuable lesson about state surveillance from their class last week, and then paired up to learn about basic first aid. And the dorms were quiet, which is good because I don't want to report about your teenaged crushes.

In town--

*more banthabell*

Stop it. Astrid was braiding ribbons at Covent Gardens, Bob stopped by to see Norman at the magic shop and wonder about the jelly demon. We're all wondering about the jelly demon. Zack was having a quiet day at Furnado--seems like a rarity with so many animals around--and Prompto was thoroughly enjoying the game he was playing during his shift at the CIC. The Holoscene was closed, though Raven was inside, and Mitsutada was serving food my son would enjoy--pizza and tacos--at Luke's Diner. Kaidan and Kanan went off island via Portalocity for a bar crawl, possibly helped along by the phone call Kaidan had with Hernando earlier during the day.

You realize listening on people's phone calls is a special kind of creepy, right? The community center class on Modern Earth Entertainment watched a sci-fi movie. Don't get me started on the inaccuracies in those holos. Kanan--before heading off island--was practicing his marksmanship against the practice dummies only to get shown up by Sabine. I'd make fun of you, but she's a Mandalorian and practically born with a blaster in each hand. And finally, over at Caritas, the band was on strike, so--get on over there, everyone who prefers the quiet. Rosa definitely approved, and explained her absense last week to Kitty--turns out she'd been at home. Seivarden also prefered the the quiet, and she and Rosa speculated that maybe the zombies' fingers had fallen off before getting into an argument about who was paying for drinks this week. Seivarden wanted to know if Kitty was going to replace the zombies with another bad, and Kitty said that dead band members would probably have a tough time finding another job.

...I find myself unmoved by that. And in our final bit of news, Hernando brought in a cake in to apologize to Kitty for not coming into the bar correctly last week?

*confused chittering*

Is Hernando not from around here? Am I supposed to be bringing cakes to all of the stores I don't go to either?

*chittering*

I'm not bringing you rum. I'm not new. Just confused. Maybe I need more coffee to fix it. That's all I have today, Fandom. Get to class on time.

...that means you, too, Aphra.

Obi-Wan: ...Master Rand? What is it you wanted to speak to me about-- Anakin?

Anakin: I was just woken up by my grandson yelling "May the Fourth be with you," in my comlink and I WILL FIND YOU, BEN. It's too early for this poodoo.

Obi-Wan: I am starting to get the impression we were conspired against.

Anakin: Definitely. The squirrels look far too innocent right now, and they are never innocent.

Obi-Wan: *sigh* This is the radio station, isn't it? I should have known I was being drawn into a trap.

Anakin: You're losing your touch if you didn't. Pass me the notes, will you? It should go fast because classes don't start until today.

Obi-Wan: I'm not losing my touch. *rustling of papers* Here.

Anakin: If squirrels successfully outsmarted you without drugging your tea or giving you a concussion, you're losing your touch. Right, in school, galactic holostar Garik Loran was in the library wearing a shirt and not wearing glitter. Well, not wearing glitter where the squirrels could see because I know for a fact that you cannot get rid of glitter with just one day's worth of showers. Cassandra came in for her weekly visit and got steered toward a new science fiction series...and then Face had to explain starships because sometimes the people here are from very, very primitive times without proper travel options.

Obi-Wan: I'm sure they'll get there in time, Anakin. Ah, I see we've arrived at the more invasive notes, as the squirrels spied on Dipper making a list-- apparently because he couldn't sleep. That's certainly a way to keep your life organized, Dipper. Jalian seemed to think it prudent to bring her knives to the deck. There… may be safer places to take care of your sharp objects. And yesterday, your errant grandson enjoyed a milkshake with his partner and discussed meeting me at the picnic yesterday. He didn't seem like the type to do prank calls-- maybe your sunny disposition simply invites that kind of behavior.

Anakin: It is way too early to deal with your particular brand of sarcasm, Obi-Wan. He met you at the picnic? That sounds interesting, or awkward, or both. I met my namesake a few years back, and that meeting was definitely both interesting and awkward. Anyway. In town, Jono was blasting Pearl Jam at Groovy Tunes at what the squirrels assured me was a definitely not emo way. I don't know what a Pearl Jam is, so I'll take their word for it. Anders, per Jono's request yesterday, stopped in to talk about his new little sibling, and Kaylin came by and offered to heal Jono's hurt hand. New kid Ringo goes for a jog--those stairs are killer, huh?--before ending up in the super convenient evil lair, um, warehouse district There's going to be a Cinco de Mayo--did I pronounce that right?--squirrels say no...party at Caritas tomorrow, and Brian either locked himself out of his own apartment or is the newest, most incompetent thief on the island.

Obi-Wan: Now, Anakin. Who's to say he couldn't be both?

Anakin: That's an excellent point. Jessica, Vic, look into it?

Obi-Wan: … and what was that about a super convenient evil lair?

Anakin: Experience. Warehouse districts tend to be nothing but trouble. First place I'll look when you inevitably get kidnapped by something bigger than squirrels.

Obi-Wan: I'm not losing my touch.

Anakin: You are too, but that's not the point. The point is we're out of notes, which means we're out of here. Kidnap someone else next time, squirrels.

Obi-Wan: *sigh* I came here of my own volition because someone invited me. I wasn't kidnapped. Because I'm not losing my touch. *pause* … But yes, we are done here.

Anakin:: If you were outsmarted by Atton Rand, you're also losing your--

*static*

Two more days to go, seniors. You can do it.

In finals news, Mad Kings and Queens talked about revolutions as a means to overthrow a bad leader. I have many, many thoughts on that. Friendship is Cakes had a party because Pinkie Pie, I believe, is religiously opposed to exams, and Thor's class talked about how modern stories turn into myths. Kids used to pretend to play Kenobi and Skywalker back in my home galaxy. I think they got their stuff from the news? Maybe?

*chittering*

Pretending to be gremlin-bit isn't that funny. Stop it. That's not how you play Skywalker.

Flick was Facebook stalking people in the dorms--stop that--and in town, Anders and Nathan flirted about flower crowns and what kind of gift Nathan might get.

*chittering*

How am I supposed to pronounce a capital G? A Gift, apparently. And over at Luke's the dishwasher was trying to convince Kenzi about a tentacle monster and people making out in the freezer and that just sounds about fifteen kinds of unhygenic, but that's all of the notes I've got, so on that awkward note, I'm leaving.

*chittering*

Okay, pretending you have stupid hair is also not how you pretend to be me.

Good morning, everyone. So far, it doesn't seem like anything weird is happening today, so I'm going to get through the notes very quickly in the hope that it will still be true by the end of the broadcast.

In classes, Friendship is Cakes did "April shower" themed cakes and I for one am glad they aren't currently falling from the sky.

*chittering*

I'm not paranoid. I've just lived here almost a decade. Mad Kings and Queens learned about Ivan the Terrible, who was Ivan the Okay for half of his reign before he turned into Ivan the Gone Around the Bend. I've known people like that too.

...shut up, Obi-Wan. I can hear the eyebrow from here.

In the dorms, Mara was selling tickets for prom and getting covered in glitter just by sitting there, apparently, Minako is also compaining for prom queen--see what you've started, Isabelle?--Cassandra was working on her independent study, and Anders was refusing to let the gloomy weather get to him as he sat on the deck. Nathan stopped in from his way back from the preserve and they talked about all of the insane messages they'd received last week. Edward and Anders also caught up about the phone messages, and how Hanna thought that Anders had been upset about what she'd left. Ronan was listening to music to avoid his phone--I find that forgetting to charge it helps immensely on not getting irritating messages--and Ezra got to know Chainsaw, who I'm assuming is an animal because otherwise the notes are way too blase about Ezra getting killed last night.

...and that's all I've got. Excellent. Enjoy yourselves at the Prom. And...lock your doors that night. Just trust me.

This is Master Skywalker, so everyone sit down, shut up and listen, okay?

Over at Needful Things, people were out defending Gaunt's tiresome, cowardly butt and the shiny, shiny objects they've been given. Going out on a limb to guess we should take back the objects.

*thunk*

Where did you even find a "Thank You, Captain Obvious" sign?

On Team Gaunt, we found Carmilla and Hanna, both determined to keep their shinies. Hanna's so determined that she takes a shot at Jessica, who tries to get her with an arrest warrant for attacking a cop. Both Hanna and Rinoa--also Team Gaunt--end up webbed for being a pain to law enforcement. Don't throw boulders, Rinoa. It never ends well. Squall tried to talk some sense into Rinoa but it ends up with them tossing spells--possibly even worse than tossing boulders--so I'm going to guess Rinoa's still brainwashed. Anders was also Team Gaunt and is stalking protectively around the store with a phylactery--not dirty, I hope--that Cassandra was pretty sure shouldn't belong to him. Kathy's also upset to see Anders out there, but her very worst guilt trip wasn't enough to get Anders to give up his...whatever it is. Elsa let some ice wolves loose on Raven--the student, not the alum--who was trying to snag Elsa's bracelet. Over on Team Gaunt's a Dick--I named it myself--Squall asked Jessica not to hurt any of the brainwashed, which, well, of course. Even with the ice wolves and the boulders and the spell casting. Jessica webbed arrest warrants to the side of the antique shop--guess that means she and Vic figured out who's supposed to sign them--with Atton's Force assistance. Zoe and Bo concluded that due to brainwashed students at the store, it's really okay that they're there and not up at the school. I agree.

Turning the mindwhammied around is possible, though: Nikolai got Allie to give back her cursed necklace after a bit of a fight.

In non-antique shop news, Mary had all of the lights on at the hotel due to creepy fog, Eliot's still tied to a chair as Hardison tried to unmindwhammy him, and Jack brought still-sick Emmy some pizza. She sent him out for smoothies and soup instead.

Over at the school, most classes were either canceled outright or being directed to the library--more on that in a sec--but Mad Kings and Queens learned about Anna of Saxony, who had extreme mood swings, very little financial restraint and a fondness for public displays of adultery.

*chittering*

The squirrels' favorite kind of person, apparently.

Finally in the library, here's what we know so far for those of you already heading back to talk-slash-smack around the people at the antiques store again today:

--Face and Sam--hello, Sam, welcome back--found a similar event where a husband's cursed device was taken and destroyed and then the husband died. So DON'T DESTROY THE CURSED ITEMS.
--Four, inspired by Kathy and Atton's talk about who was down by the store, started going through the last few weeks' radio broadcasts to discover everyone who'd been at Needful Things. Track him down if you know someone who was there, I guess.
--Kathy found information that suggested Gaunt's collecting souls, so that's very reassuring to hear. It's not helped by Eleanor learning that there's also some kind of pyschic poison that feeds off of people being miserable. Four suggested sending Pinkie Pie out. I'm all in favor of the party cannon.

...possibly the first time I've ever said that. In not quite as crucial news, Jack and Eleanor agreed that more than one thing seemed to be attacking, Atton and Bob talked about non-lethal forms of taking people down, Cosette made sure Kathy got something to eat, Eleanor asked Atton if he'd seen Joker outside the store, and Karina teased Atton about throwing pizza at Sparkle's window.

As she should.

There's going to be a town hall meeting later today, so if you're comfortable going out in the fog. Remember, non-lethal contact only. Unless it's Gaunt and he really asks for it. I'm an Ethics teacher, you can trust me here.

Good morning, everyone. It's Anakin Skywalker wondering who the frell keeps asking for all of this snow. I will find you, and I will end you.

*nervous chittering*

...and now I've scared the rodents. I'm off to an excellent start. In classes yesterday, Baking With Friends made cakes based on last week's trip, so I'm guessing they featured a lot of spam, pineapple, and vegetables suspended in Jello, which...yuck. Mad Kings and Queens learned about Mustafa I, who was locked in a cage and then occassionally let out to rule erratically. He was in a cage. Go figure on the "erratic" part...anyway, Modern Day Myths learned about computer viruses and presumably not to download porn from sketchy websites if you don't want you computer to die. You're welcome, kids.

In the dorms, Anders brought donuts to the third floor common room to share. Cassandra wanted to check that they weren't poisoned--I'm getting a bad feeling about your homeworld, Cassanda--and Anders explained to Raven they were free becaus J,GOB is trying to compete with the Chinese and pizza places in terms of delivery options. Isabelle was fine with food as long as it's free and she and Anders compared notes about the cruise. Cecil wanted to know if Foucault could have a pink one and I'm wondering if "pink" is really a flavor.

Flick and Isabelle had a heart-to-heart in Flick's room about how sad he still was and seriously, go see Electroclash. Or the clinic. There are options.

In town, Nathan woke up from a nightmare in the preserve and I'm just going to assume he had many, many layers because if a student freezes to death outside, I'm going to be really cranky. Atton and I had a lightsaber sparring session at the gym, Tamsin is annoyed that everything is back to normal in town, so blame her for the next invasion, and over at Luke's Kenzi has a cookbook on how to cook a wolf. There was a grand reopening at Needful Things, and Eliot stopped in to discover that they had a necklace almost exactly like an old one of his in stock. That's a pretty great coincidence.

...

DO NOT COOK A WOLF. WE NEED HIM TO KEEP TEACHING.

Hannibal and Jono watched the Voice and wondered about Christina's life choices. I'm still catching up on this season of the Amazing Race myself. Buffy kept busy at her Devil's Nest shift by watching a shipping war unfold on Tumblr, and Mike was drinking coffee at the Perk after work.

...and that's all I've got here. Bundle up warmly and don't eat anyone.

Right, it's cold and the island's still fairly insane and I'm too old and grumpy to deal with it very long, so I'm going to blow--

*squirrelly snickers*

--seriously? Stop that. No one wants to think about your sex lives.

*chittering*

Listen, it's not my fault that I'm still dripping glitter. I've taken about a hundred show--stop imagining me in the shower. It's creepy as hell.

In classes, Friendship is Cake watched a video--can't imagine how that could go wrong-- and Modern Myths learned about a woman who got pregnant by being shot. See, Ethics students? We could have shot you instead. Mad Kings and Queens had their libidos crushed under the gruesome details of Vlad the Impaler, not dirty. Electroclash held office hours where she was inudated by sappy love songs. Sparkle came and they speculated if the glitter would follow us on Spring Break--kriff, I hope not--before Sparkle asked for advice for his post-Fandom life.

In the dorms, Ezra was in his room admiring the things he found off-island before Jalian came in and tossed him on a bed and I think we're all really uncomfortable with me reading the rest of this so I'm going to stop. Ronan's shirtless in his room because it's February and negative ass degrees outside and of course he is, and Amy told him about the kissing party two nights ago and they made plans to go clubbing. Ezra mocked him for stealing his shirtles schtick--oh, new children, there's been shirtlessness since there's been a Fandom--and Ronan mocked him for going to the kissing party. Ezra overshared about all of the action he's gotten and I really, really don't need to know this. Flick is also shirtless--you're all going to get frostbite and possibly herpes--and Isabelle came by to confess to leading Edward on at the kissing party. In further shirtless news, Travis at least had the excuse of being locked out of his room after a shower. Gwen was taking a cold shower--please, please tell me you weren't in there to confirm the temperature--

*vague chittering*

And Minako was burning off energy through volleyball playing. Joker and Eleanor woke up together and I'm not giving any more information because they're in my class and ew.

Finally in town, Elsa and Barry tried to have a chaste date this week so I'll give you three guesses how well that worked out. Atton and Sia had a super awkward conversation at the Perk and then Atton went home and made a phone call. Alana got sucked into reading 49 Shades of Ecru--someone make sure she wasn't literally sucked in? That book's evil enough to probably turn sentient. Roland and Vic were awkward at J,GOB and Roland explained that his guitar only wants to play dirty songs this week. A new woman--Abbi-arrived on the island and Bob introducted himself to her, and then she ended up at 'Dites to learn about the sex toy specials this week so, um, welcome to Fandom. Kitty was also over at 'Dites and I'm pretty sure I don't want to read about this for all of you to hear, so I won't.

Finally, Buffy was at the Devil's Nest with ice cubes and a fan, so I'll leave you all with that mental image and flee across the Causeway. See you at the meet-up for Spring Break, everyone.

This is Anakin Skywalker on yet another freaking cold morning.

*chittering*

I know it's winter. It doesn't mean it has to be this cold, does it? Anyway, let's get to the notes. In classes, Mad Kings and Queens watched a movie, presumably about mad kings and queens, Baking with Friends made consolation cakes...like 'I'm sorry you were dumped, here have this cake?' That sounds like a boom business idea. Modern Myths learned that you can't really dissolve anything in a glass of Coke. I'm disappointed to learn that.

Flick is sick over in the dorms--go to the clinic, Flick--and there was a lot of excitement over at Wonka's. I remember the original owner--he was kind of a cleaned up, slightly weirder version of Captain Jack Sparrow.

Which makes sense to about three of you. Kriff, I'm old. Anyway the new owner's name is James and he's hiring. Tony stopped in to see if they had anything coffee-flavored, Pinkie Pie came in and broke James' brain a bit. You're not alone in that at all, James, and yes, she's real. Mara got a job, and Clint also stopped in to take a look around. Eleanor had calming music playing at Groovy Tunes while she cleaned, and I accused Obi-Wan of being an old person at the Perk becuase he turned old and crotchety on me. Alana's got the books separated at Book Haven because the YA books were fighting each other for shelf space.

James, if you've discovered the radio, that really happened. I'm sorry for your brain.

That's all the news for today. Have a good rest of the week.

Good morning, everyone, it's Anakin Skywalker here and the shrieking eels are no longer falling from the sky, so that's already makes today a better day than yesterday. Let's get to the notes because naturally there's a lot of them because everyone's response to "angry eels with anti-grav units and oxygen tanks" is apparently "let's go outside!"

*pointed chittering*

Yes, I realize I was also outside. But I was trying to go to a movie. Before we get to all of the eel killing, we had classes to get through. And for those of you who aren't from worlds where you're handed weapons on the way to first grade, any absenses yesterday are excused. Mad Kings and Queens talked about Caligula and if he was actually insane or if scribes were doing a bit of post-disaster cleanup. Friendship is Cakes had Derek showing up as a wolf and attacking the animal-shaped cake because the day wasn't weird enough, and then the rest of the class made animal-shaped cakes too and Hanna offered another one to Derek. I volunteer not to be the one getting icing out of a wolf's hair. Thor taught his Modern Myths students about Bloody Mary--the creepy lady, not the breakfast drink.

*cheering*

...which the squirrels are currently having. Because of course they are. In the dorms, Gwen took one look out the window and stayed inside, and Cassandra--fresh from her defense time outside which we'll get to in a moment--agreed that Gwen had made a good choice. Ronan, showered and de-eeled, texted a bit in his room. I'll bet the texts were eel-related. Johnny took us into sundown by blasting eels off the roof with fire, so please be wary of any barbecued eel specials at the sushi place the next few days. It might be slightly recycled.

In town, Travis got chased up a tree and Kathy introduced herself while trying to help him out, but Travis told her he was quite all right up the tree. Can someone check to be sure he's still not up there? Hannibal went after eels with his rifle and Jono stopped by after helping out at the movie theater--we'll get to that too--and Hannibal caught some to cook. Um.

*chittering*

He's apparently having an eel-themed party tonight so there's...that.

Moving on. Vic told Ralph that she didn't care if there were invading eels, it was still her day off. See, Obi-Wan? I told you. This is a regular thing. I was at the movie theater, annoyed because sometimes I just want things to be normal and not full of eels and is that too much to ask--

*chittering*

Apparently it is. And then we had what amounted to an impromptu teachers' meeting. Obi-Wan was there, of course, to lecture me about anger management and to cancel our movie plans so we could continue aiding the public. You're welcome, the public. He also punned at Atton, who wanted to know from if Obi-Wan was for real with this and sadly, yes. Yes, that was my life for decades. Lecturing and terrible jokes. Cara was there as well, and she and Atton wondered if the theater has a replay policy for when prebought tickets can't be redeemed due to eels. Or invasions. I was impressed with Cara's weapons and she wasn't convinced about how I wasn't on a date.

*dubious chittering*

I WASN'T. I'M MARRIED. YOU WERE THERE FOR THE WEDDING. Jones had eels in her purse, so I checked to make certain that this whole mess wasn't her doing--it wasn't--and she complimented Obi-Wan about how he and I are kriffing adults working through our issues and NOT ON A DATE--and Jono gave Obi-Wan a bit of history in Fandom daylong invasions as they killed eels together. Jones asked Jono if the eels were a regular feature and he said no, but there had been sharks before, and then Jono and I wondered if we should stock up on eel for that inevitable weekend when we all go crazy and run the island entirely via the currency of contraband sushi.

Meanwhile, closer to the school, Cassandra was punching eels with a trash can lid, as you do. Anders stopped by with his staff and they admired each others' weapons of choice before examining the eels' anti-grav devices. I did the same thing. I mean, really, who has the kind of time to arm eels with anti-grav devices? Jalian was excited to kill things even if they don't know where they came from, and Kathy joked that she kills eels every morning for exercise. Hanna wanted to know if they should collect the eels for soup--Anders was not a fan--and Jalian and Cassandra decide that after looking over the eels' devices that none of it was for communication, so kriff it. Jalian was confused at Kathy's chosen weapon of pretty ribbons--can't blame her--and then Kathy complimented Cassandra's swordwork. Hanna told Kathy this was the weirdest thing ever, which was how Kathy knew she was new.

Roland led a bunch of eels, Pied Piper-style, down to the beach, and Kenzi featured eels on the menu at Luke's because you're all inappropriate and weird. I'm heading to my office, and then maybe out for a movie.

An eel-less movie.