Written by leeadama and whitedeathpod
JOHN: Good evening, Fandom. I'm John Adama.
LEE: And I'm Lee Crichton and we're totally heterosexual.
JOHN: Completely heterosexual. I mean, I've got a girlfriend with arms the size of Callisto's thighs.
LEE: Ha, but they're no where near the size of my arms! My arms make even that Tyler girl breathe a little quicker.
JOHN: Jaye? I thought she had a crush on Archie and his dippy hat.
LEE: Archie's hat isn't dippy. It's jaunty!
JOHN: Well, there's gotta be something about the hat. You know what they say: the bigger the hat, the bigger the...
LEE: Haircare product bill?
JOHN: ANYWAY. Point is, we love our girlfriends.
LEE: Is that your hand on my thigh, John?
JOHN: ...Give Your Teacher An Apple but Check For Worms First!
LEE: Today in Fandom High...
JOHN: Dr. Tommy who looks suspiciously like this guy I used to know in first grade, Howie Maloma, who used to eat dirt, taught a class on the Geologic Time Scale.
Sounds old and...old. Are you sure you're not related to Howie Maloma? Anyway, in today's Shop class
, everyone had to write essays about duct tape. And, since I'm in that class, I can tell you, personally, that Lilly Kane's breakdown over her lost ball of love was quite the remarkable thing to see. She drooled, dudes. All over the desk. I think Professor MacGyver had to call the janitor. Hey Lilly? I'm bringing you a bib next class!
LEE: For those of you in the sciences, I hope you enjoyed Ms. Sidle's classes in Biology and Chemistry
as well as Forensics
. And apparently Doctor Grissom showed up after class to see Ms. Sidle -- I'm always happy to see a little romantical intrigue here at Fandom High.
JOHN: In Speech 301, a big ole game of Telephone was started.
Dude, if I start getting messages about red bras and Xander Harris, I'm calling my lawyer. Speech 401 focused on power.
Callisto's thighs are the most powerful thing in the school. You get hit with one of those rocks, your speech is gonna suck!
In Sociology of Violence
, Dr. Grissom lectured on gender based violence. And, from my notes, I see that my partner - my totally heterosexual partner that is - Lee was in that class. Tell me, Lee, were you arguing for the men or the women? Could go both ways, right? Why don't you tell the listening audience what you were doing this afternoon? What, knitting? That's right. Lee is knitting a pink scarf! In Sociology of the Paranormal
, skepticism was examined. Don't know what skepticism is? Well, for example, I'm skeptical if Lee is really a boy with all the feminine attributes he has.
LEE: Frak you, John.
JOHN: Maybe later.
LEE: My notes indicated that you discussed the civil rights movement, whatever that was, in Quantum Physics
. Aren't you supposed to be talking about wormholes and FTL drives in that class? Also, Professor Pierson - who is totally awesome by the way - lectured in History of Western Civilization
on the civilizations of Egypt and Crete, which thank the gods, have nothing to do with England.
JOHN: In Classics
, Professor Dream isn't in. Wonder if he's got a date with Johnina? Hey, it could happen. She's plenty enigmatic for a guy like Dream! Anyway, while Professor Dream is out on a date with Johnina, the students are instructed to read The Odyssey.
Dude, is that the one Homer Simpson wrote?In Math class,
Professor Eppes was also out. Man, Johnina was a busy, busy woman. And yes, she's totally a woman. In Professor Eppes' absence, Broots took over and assigned Sudoku puzzles for the beginners, a really hard logic problem for the intermediates and a some boring read for the super smart kids.
In the class where I'm Professor Skeeter's favorite student aka Advanced Journalism
, we talked about investigative reporting. My project for this class session? I'm gonna find out if there's a Mister Skeeter who is not Professor Skeeter's father, is in the picture. There's gotta be a story behind that.
In Journalism 101/201
, the good little students turned their headlines in. Now, there's a blob of smudge on my notes but I'm told one of the headlines was "ANAKIN SKYWALKER LIKES FERRET SEX!" Is that right? Can that be right? Oh well. Whatever makes you happy, Anakin!
LEE: In related news, Journalistic Integrity
discussed what is and isn’t public knowledge. For example, it is public knowledge that John Crichton fancies butter on his toast. What the public doesn't know, is that John Crichton fancies butter on his steamy hot girl--
*there is a mild scuffle and a few yelps of pain from Lee*
Aaanyway, in my most beloved class, US Government
, we discussed semantics related to my greatest love of all, democracy. *sighs blissfully* However, somehow, it all lead back to that stupid bloody country England. I DO NOT BELIEVE SUCH A COUNTRY EXISTS, John. It is a frakkin' conspiracy of cartographers.
JOHN: Professor Lyman taught the students about English Settlements
in US History. Included among those were Jamestown in Virginia and Puritans in Massachusetts. And no, the Puritans were not naked. Professor Lyman can attest to this. Not that he's old and was alive back then. Unless he was. If that's the case then, check to make sure Professor Lyman's not an android. Hey, I watch science fiction. I know the score.In Cultivation and Gardening
, everyone wrote short stories that dealt with gardening. Hey people in that class? I hope your stories ended with your plant growing up to be big and strong and leafy!
LEE: Doctor Tommy taught Driver's Ed
today with a sweet little guest star of an automobile sim. No where near as sweet as a viper, though. But you gotta get around on the ground somehow, I guess.
Camulus teaches Celtic Studies
with his usual flair and students study the Gaelic language. Which I hope to the lord of Kobol has nothing to do with England. Stupid bloody England.
JOHN: The most happening professor on campus, Professor Ted
had office hours today. Marty stopped by. There was no dancing. I was sad. Next time guys, okay?Principal Smith also held office hours.
Apparently, there's a golf cart chilling in his office, Jaye Tyler, who has a crush on Archie of the jaunty hat, is leading a club fair on Friday, there might be a blue box with their lights in the park and Veruca Cally and myself were called to Principal Smith's office. Okay, for the record, I do not love Dean Zordon because he's in a tube. I like visiting Dean Zordon because the technology of the tube is terrifically tantalizing.
robot chick who looks like Sam held office hours
and Cam went to see her. If you want my honest opinion, John, I don't think anyone should go near that thing. She's evil! She's a genocide-obsessed killing thing! Why is she teaching at Fandom High? I really don't understand.
JOHN: I don't know, Lee. She was really rude to me when I went to see her a few days ago. I hope her slinkies tangle and break!
It was a Power Ranger partaaay in Zordon's office today. Imagine that.
Dean Zordon was visited by Doctor Oliver, Bridge, and Ms. Calendar. And John, whatever kept you away from visiting our renowned and noble dean?
JOHN: Shut up, Adama.
LEE: Alas, no one visits Dr. Lyman
in his office but he sends out an email
to the members of Student Council.
Oh, before I forget, it was loads of educational fun in my favorite place ever, today. That place being
your boudoir, John the library
. I learned absolutely nothing about England but there was discussion of sin and kissing
with Parker and Zero. We may be getting a study club
which is in no relation to Study Hall. Which I miss.
Oh, Draco! I miss your snide little face. Angela wondered if she had been missed
and I tell ya, she's not a woman you forget.
Ask Marty, omg.
There is discussion of Parker's special friend
who is not me, unfortunately. And Anakin learned from Rory all about baby names starting with "L" -- you know, I'd almost want to say that Rory and Anakin are headed to Cally-n-Anders-like relationship cuteness, but they're totally just omgjustfriends, you know?
JOHN: There were bagels in the teacher's lounge today.
And what about the- Wait, you know what? I so do not want to know about my teacher's getting buttery.Dr. Grissom and Professor Cregg shoot the breeze.
Dr. Grissom did not offer any cheese puffs? Dr. G? Where be the cheese puffs, man? Save the teacher's lounge for boring bagels! Food, Glorious Food
LEE: Cafeteria food isn't the best on the island, but at least the conversation's good. Nadia, Marty and Walter
have lunch; Victor and Pip
discuss post-apoc warfare
have lunch; Ed and Anders
are not cylons
have lunch; and Cordy and I
comb each other's hair
had lunch.Lee Lives In Room 216. Go Get Some Lovin'
LEE: And in dorm life today, Aeryn
beats the crap out of spars with Cameron
at the gym. Errr... John, I dearly hope that you're treating your fair lady with the highest of respect. That woman can kick ass.
JOHN: Stop kissing my neck, Lee.
LEE: ...the FRAK? SHUT UP.... He's making that up, Aeryn, I swear.
JOHN: Am not.
LEE: I'm gonna die.
JOHN: In secret sibling news
, Jessica Tate got a care basket. Jessica? If that thing had any butter, could you send it to room 238? I might have a use for it. And yes, it's a totally legal use. Molly and Cam had breakfast
together. And we all know what question I'm gonna ask, right? Was there toast? Did Cam get buttery with Molly? What? I'm taking Professor Skeeter's advice and doing some investigative reporting!
LEE: This evening on the first floor
, Kiki volunteers for SafeWalk duty and chats with Lana about angels. And I don't think she means your Angel, John.
JOHN: He's not my Angel. He's Callisto's Angel.
LEE: Isn't that a television show?
JOHN: ... mmmm. Marrah Mawcett.
LEE: Didn't she marry
a guy named Lee?
JOHN: Mmmm... speaking of being hot whilst defending yourself...Alanna holds self defense lessons
in the gym.
Tonight, Walter and Lana, Bel and Cordelia and Victor and Nadia go head to head. Self defense lessons are very important,
boys and girls. You don't wanna run into some nasty blob of evil in a dark alley and end up in a wheelchair!
LEE: There was a swingin' Student Council Party on the second floor -- may I add that the second floor is THE BEST FLOOR EVER -- and Parker got a little grilled by Callisto (of the awesome thighs) about some Jarod fella. Ah, Parker, I thought you only had eyes for me.
JOHN: Bridge and his traveling band of merry men, Rory, Lee, me, Hamlet, Molly and Sam decided to go exploring earlier this evening.
We did not find Atlantis, we did not find the Fountain of Youth and we most certainly did not find the origin behind Samuel T. Anders' middle name. That, I think, will remain a mystery forever.It's A Water Balloon Kinda Town!
LEE: In Fandom Town, the balloon ninja strikes again when the lovely Inara opened Chaucer's
this morning. I feel a craving for hot tea now...And Ms. Calendar visits Dr. Pevensie
at her new apartment.
JOHN: Red was ready and willing to help
Mayor's Office today. But, sadly, no one came. Did the water balloon culprit strike them all down before they could
reach Red's doors? This water balloon ninja needs to be caught! Tons and tons of precious water is being lost! The Emporium's open
and Pippi pays Michael a visit.
That reminds me, Lee? Did you ever pick up your prescription?
LEE: What prescription?
JOHN: You know, for your...you know, problem thing?
LEE:...Shut up, Crichton. Anyway, Drusilla is paid a visit by Lilah at Wolfrom and Hart
. You know, those ladies vaguely remind me of another pair of lady friends, but I just can't put my finger on it.
JOHN: Ben and Michael stop in at Deb's.
Deb gives them food and Michael and Ben are happy. And darn it, I'm happy for them.
LEE: You just like food.
JOHN: Food's good. Good food's even better.
LEE: Doesn't Aeryn get lost in the folds of your fat?
JOHN: Eat toast and die.
LEE: And the intrigue between Sidle and Grissom continues as they have dinner
in town. Hey, John, maybe that's where we could double date since you love food so much.
JOHN: *mumbles something*
LEE: No, I will not go frak a toaster.
JOHN: At the Perk
, Rory and Parker talk. I'm sure they're talking about the socioeconomic crises in third world countries or the impact of nuclear arms testing in Iran might have on domestic and foreign relations...or it could just be coffee and small talk. It's a quiet night at Spike's Pub.
LEE: Yes, John?
JOHN: Think they should offer theme nights?
LEE: Theme nights?
JOHN: Yeah, like Monday is body shot day, Tuesday is drink your weight in beer day, Wednesday is I can shove this whole
beer bottle up my nose day, Thursday is drink a beer, get a punch from a brother and Friday is pajama day!
LEE:...I worry about you sometimes.
JOHN: At Caritas, Parker, Rory, and Jarod talk about Darla.
Parker denies her feelings for Jarod. Rory pushes, Parker pulls. That's almost...hot.
LEE: Parker and Jarod
discuss violence. It takes a water balloon attack to distract Rory from how hot those two are together.
(But what if Parker and Jarod are OMGJUSTFRIENDS, damnit?!)
JOHN: The Tick became the latest victim of the water balloon bandit.
If this bandit can strike even our strongest superhero, how can we possibly stop him or her? Again, if I knew how to key up this switchboard without breaking things and incurring the pirate's wrath, I'd totally play some yearning for a hero song!The Few, the Proud, the TA's!
JOHN: My totally platonic roommate and his sinfully adorable dog
read in the TA's lounge. You know, if Angel wasn't a vampire, he'd so be one of those guys you see in the woman's type magazines as 'the ideal man.' Lana and Angel, my totally platonic roommate
, discuss some weird hometown club. Not sure exactly what this is but Angel suggests food and Lana spearheads the club. What a team, you guys. Also, Angel? Don't eat too much. I'm cooking tonight.Xander talks to Sam and Angel, my, still, totally platonic roommie about elevators that don't exist.
Xander, this is the first step in the aging process, I think. It's the memory that goes first. Start checking for gray hair!Bel's chipper and cheery and happy all over.
This concern my platonic as all get out roommate, Angel. Hey Angel, give the guy a break! Maybe he got lucky...and won a fierce game of Monopoly last night!Cameron tells Angel why it's not a good idea to mess with Aeryn.
I'd feel for you Cam, I really would except I'm too busy laughing at you. You got beat up by a girl!Angela talks to Angel about her breakup. And there might be some emo there.
Obviously, she misses the ferret sex.Callisto lets Angel know that she ran into Darla.
Callisto can handle herself, Angel. I mean, she'll either thigh lock them to death or she'll sing! Toasty Bits! With Butter!
JOHN: In the school's clinic, Lisa meets the new school counselor, Susan.
Susan, watch out for her! She might flash you or tell you, in graphic detail, what the female...you know does!
LEE: *sighs blissfully*
JOHN: Samuel T. Anders totally grabs a fistful of condoms
. Way to go, Callynanders! Practice that safe sex! Though, Lee?
LEE: Yes, John?
JOHN: Wouldn't little wee Callynanders' be awfully cute?
LEE: Yes. They should have eighteen.
JOHN: I agree.
LEE: It IS one of God's commandments after all.
LEE: Some weirdo takes Camilla
from Marty. Sad cries!
And up on the fifth floor, Nadia
notices a note on her door... possibly from a secret admirer?
Oh, and you and I
discussed knitting, the frat, your wedding to Aeryn Sun, Kara's red bra...
JOHN: Lee... Lee!!
LEE: Oh, sorry, I just... um... Women's undergarments… Stupid bloody England
. Toast. And you wouldn't talk about that certain something that's going on between you and Aeryn. Care to tell me now?
JOHN: Marty buys the occupants of rooms 239/240
gifts. He gave my girlfriend a picture of a half naked man. If my girlfriend leaves me to become a walking, talking Heston stalker? I might have to hurt you, Marty. Victor and Walter wake up together. And they're cute.
These guys are why Whitney Houston and Celine Dion write love songs, man. So sweet. If I knew how to work this switchboard, I'd totally play a dedication for you guys.
LEE: Sheppard interviews
Maia for class whilst the Elric Brothers catch up
.Bridge is bored
and therefore invites Sam
to go exploring.
JOHN: Janet sends out an email.
And no, there's nothing naughty in said email. And no hidden viruses either...we hope. Blair and Hank hang out together.
I'm told Hank is, in fact, a plant. Is that right, Lee?
LEE: That's what the notes say.
JOHN: Huh. That's worse than you naming your arms.
LEE: Shut up, Crichton.
JOHN: And that's all we got tonight, ladies and gentlemen! We're both feeling a little tired, aren't we, Lee?
LEE: Are we taking another nap together, John?
JOHN: What? We've never slept together!
LEE: Well, there was that one time...
JOHN: SHUT UP, ADAMA.
LEE: And you had your arm around me and it was just nice, you know?
JOHN: THAT WAS CAMERON. SHUT UP.
LEE: No, I'm quite sure that wasn't -----
*sounds of a microphone being ripped out of the wall*