[identity profile] boobs-and-evil.livejournal.com
Welcome back to Umbridge Radio, here on Umbridge Island at the Dolores Umbridge High School. Far be it from me to ever question her benevolent rule, but I would like to say that her naming convention lacks flair. I have notes, and orange juice that I am sipping out of a champagne flute. Let's see what all of you got yourselves into yesterday.

Body Count Radio ) Oh, Emma, if you're listening, dear, dinner the other night was simply to die for. Coffee at my place, sometime soon?

That's all the notes that I have. Remember, behave, be good, and you'll make all our lives a little bit easier. Isn't that what we all want?
[identity profile] boobs-and-evil.livejournal.com
'and my second husband was a psychiatrist, so all he wanted to do was' -- oh, we are? Can I finish the joke? I was almost done.


It's not that dirty. I mean, not compared to most of the jokes I tell. Like there's one about a guy who always sneaks in late, and --


Fine. Good morning, Fandom. I was going to start things with a pleasant joke, but apparently that might offend everyone's delicate sensibilities. How dull.

Radio: No Dirty Jokes Included )

Oh, look, I'm out of notes. Hey! Maybe now they'll let me tell my jokes. So this farmer had about two hundred hens, and he wanted chicks. He goes down the road looking for a rooster. His neighbor says --

[identity profile] boobs-and-evil.livejournal.com
Yes, this is what I was wearing last night. I haven't made it home yet. Some of us have social lives. And do you know how awkward it is sneaking out of someone's apartment because you have to go talk to squirrels?


No, I wasn't going to stay for breakfast anyway. That's not the point. Good morning, it's Friday, I'm Callie Maggotbone and you aren't. Here's some news. Can I just skim these and only read the ones that look interesting?


Fine. Then you'll have to give me some of that rum.

Demon Radio )

Okay, we're out of notes, and that means I can shower off the scent of human and go to bed. You call it decadence, I call it being me.
[identity profile] boobs-and-evil.livejournal.com
Welcome back, and hello to the new people who seem to have sprung up around here. I'm Callie Maggotbone, I have mimosas, and I read the news and gossip viciously about all of you. Sometimes I make up things that aren't real. Here's how you can tell what's real and what isn't: if it sounds deranged and like it doesn't make any sense, it's probably real, and if I'm just adding bits about people stabbing each other or having gratuitous sex, that's probably made up. Except for when all of you have sex and stab each other. Now would be a good time for you to learn nuance, hmm?

Friday Radio )
[identity profile] boobs-and-evil.livejournal.com
... this is it? I can't believe you made me come the whole way over here for this. Look, in the future, if there aren't enough notes to fill an index card, just, I don't know. Call me, and I'll do it over the phone. That way I don't even have to get dressed.

Good morning, Fandom, I'm Callie Maggotbone, it's Thursday, I came the whole way to this stupid radio station and none of you even did anything.

Simon packed up and left, so he's probably not hearing this. Good-bye, Simon. You will be missed by -- people who aren't me, because I have no idea who you are. Mercy wants to know about Christmas in Simon's culture -- I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say there are presents and trees. And Cassie says she's going to miss Simon, because he was a good roommate.

At Stark Industries, William is bored. I have plenty of suggestions but I have a feeling the squirrels would bleep most of them. Hey, look at that! I'm out of notes. Sign-offs are for people who care about patter, and I don't. Bye!
[identity profile] boobs-and-evil.livejournal.com
No, I'm not sunburnt. I'm always pink. What color did you think I'd tan? I'm a darker pink. This is tan. So who did you get to cover for me, anyway?


With the lips? Huh. Tell him I owe him one. Good morning, Fandom. It's me, the lovely Callie Maggotbone, and I have a mimosa and you don't. Unless you're making yourself one now. You'd better hurry, because I'm not going to just hold up the notes on account of you. Next week, have your mimosas ready.

no interesting cut text radio )
[identity profile] boobs-and-evil.livejournal.com
Hello out there, Fandom. I'm Callie Maggotbone. It's Friday morning again, time for mimosas and news. The mimosas add a touch of class to the proceedings. Satan knows I'm not going to do it.

News )

Those are all the notes I have, I'm out of champagne, and I'm not bored enough to start any rumors out of whole cloth. So it looks like my work here is done.
[identity profile] boobs-and-evil.livejournal.com
Okay, you did win the bet, but -- that quarter is probably as big as your entire stomach.


No, no, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't impressed. I just hope you don't have trouble passing that later.

Good morning, Fandom. It's Callie Maggotbone and those are your news squirrels, one of whom is going to be very sick later on. But he or she also won a bet, the terms of which will be honored after I read out these notes. None of which are as interesting as quarter-swallowing rodents, I'd imagine.

Notes (Which Are Not About Quarter-Swallowing Rodents) )

All right, Auntie Callie is out of notes, and she has to buy a case of rum for a squirrel that may or may not need to go to the hospital later. Sayonara.

(My niece, Chloe, actually did swallow a quarter -- two weeks ago. It seems to be stuck. So she's going to the hospital this morning to have it removed. Don't worry, she's fine -- she thinks it's hilarious, in fact -- but I couldn't help but put a shout-out in here.)
[identity profile] boobs-and-evil.livejournal.com
Hello again, to all non-bovids who are tuning in for today's news. Any bovids are free to meet me outside the station, because my knuckles would love to land another kiss or two on your ugly faces. But first, let's gossip about the humanoids, shall we?

Bovid-Punching Humanoids. And Gossip. )

All right. That's all my notes, and the gossip, real or invented, is no longer amusing me. I'm going to go watch the Real Housewives of Hell. I haven't seen any of the new episodes, so I'm way overdue for a TiVo marathon.
[identity profile] boobs-and-evil.livejournal.com
Welcome, listeners. For those of you not lucky enough to know already, my name is Callie Maggotbone. And I'm here so I can influence some young, impressionable teenage minds. For example, here's a question for all of you budding philosophers: 'hey, what has my soul done for me lately?'


Right, and the stupid notes. I'm not going to skip the part where I get to air dirty laundry in public, rodents. Gossip, kids. Rumors are your friends. That's another tip from Auntie Callie. Auntie Callie is also going to be making fun of your names and -- oh, squirrels? I was made to understand there was free alcohol?

*more chittering*

That's five points off the squirrels for only having rum. Cultured hosts should have an array. My drink of choice is vodka. Good thing I brought my own bottle.

Demon(ic) Radio )

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