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fandom_radio2012-05-25 03:24 am
boobs-and-evil.livejournal.com) wrote in fandom_radio2012-05-25 03:24 am
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Fandom Radio, Friday, May 25
Hello again, to all non-bovids who are tuning in for today's news. Any bovids are free to meet me outside the station, because my knuckles would love to land another kiss or two on your ugly faces. But first, let's gossip about the humanoids, shall we?
CLASSES
Adventures through History has to scotch its lesson about Alexander Graham Bell -- he invented the phone, then his father-in-law started the Bell Telephone Company, and now you call it AT&T -- because of interference by goats. Luckily, I just caught all of you up. Anyway, Pinkie Pie declares war on the goats, so it's face-punching time for the ugly bovids. Wait, magical horses aren't bovids, are they? I get confused enough about Rabbicorns. So then Pinkie Pie was sad that class got ruined, and Cassidy consoles her by pointing out that violence is very educational. Or something like that. I'll be honest, I'm skimming.
Childcare for Dummies taught its students how to change diapers. I am beginning to wonder if this class is stealth Sex Ed. There's an instructional video, but kids, if you can't work a diaper without step-by-step instructions, you are officially dumber than paint, and you should turn in your genitals just to be sure you never end up procreating. Also, never change the diapers on demon babies, because you can fall straight into the shit vortex. Then they had to change fake babies, but Topher was hiding from his. Not a bad strategy if it's a demon baby, because those suckers can bite pretty hard. He tells Rilla that he got beaten up by a goat. Apparently, she, I quote, judged him, and I hope that means she laughed at him because that's hilarious.
*chittering*
Role model? No, I'm just a teacher. They never mentioned anything about that. So then we have Cryptozoology 101, which wins on Name I'm Going To Have Most Trouble Pronouncing On The Mornings I'm Very Drunk. But I managed it fine today, since I'm just on my second mimosa, thanks for asking. Students turned in their brownies -- not the flavorful snack, and not the flavorful snack which has been laced with recreational drugs, I'll assume, either -- but not before they bitched about them a lot. And then complained some more. This sounds fun. I have to start being more sadistic in my class assignments. So after they're done whining, they break into groups and distinguish horses from kelpies. Kenzi and Mercy get freaked out by the horses that have red eyes and fangs in their reflections. Hey, guess who just found a kelpie?
DORMS
Britta adopts a cat, and is beset upon by a goat. I hear punching helps? Frank stops by and lures the goat away by talking about a stray cell phone in the hall. Is that what they're after? One tried to nibble on my Blackberry and I set it on fire. Which didn't do anything. Stupid goats. Susan hopes the goat isn't going to be in the room permanently, since she seems to be Britta's roommate. I have to say, I'd imagine roommates get veto power on goats. Any pet that can eat your shoes should be subjected to a vote.
Rilla is cooking in the fifth floor common room when a goat munches on her cookbook. So she does the sensible thing and beats the goat with the rest of her cookbook. Attagirl. Stacey asks Rilla if there's a way to get a phone back from a goat because one may have eaten hers, so yes, definite pattern here. Dave asks about the commotion, and offers to get Rilla a new shortbread recipe, but really, I say let her beat the goat to a pulp. It's therapeutic. Ulrik is also pro-violence, since he appears and offers to pound the goat into oblivion; Rilla is duly impressed when he succeeds. Stacey apologizes for not warning Ulrik, but she didn't know about the goats, which ... sounds like a pretty good excuse to me.
TOWNIES
Let's start with the big news: early this morning, the island was invaded by two thousand -- two thousand!?! -- and twelve cranky goats who kept eating electronic devices and being gigantic pains. I cannot believe that I chose this over sleeping with Twayne. I just can't.
Atton was out at the Rocky Bits but a goat tried to eat his fanny pack. Fanny pack? You're a guy and you use a fanny pack? ... Are you a guy? I can't tell with that name. Anyway, April Ludgate shows up with a phone, one that a goat tries to eat, and they discuss his tight pants, so apparently Atton is male, and April wants to bang him. It may not be true, but I'm tired of talking about goat-punching so I'm inventing salacious rumors to amuse myself.
Stephanie is on a run and also gets mugged by goats, this time for cookies; that's not interesting enough, let's say it's heroin instead. Frank is stalked by goats, but not mugged; this means he's secretly a goat, and the head of their death cult. He's probably secretly sacrificing babies in the sewers, in case you were wondering. And Billy and Topher go on a "ice cream date" where "date" is written with about twelve or fifteen "a"s in the middle, so I'm going to assume they had mad passionate sex on the countertops and used the ice cream in all kinds of kinky ways.
Phil Coulson shows up on the Causeway and is apparently a newcomer to the island. He is immediately attacked by goats. That is how we welcome people, Phil. Phil has no trouble dispatching the goats because he is secretly a CIA hitman ninja billionaire. Loki who is actually a real Norse god, which is cooler than a CIA hitman, says that teal deer are more common than cranky goats, and maybe I should call Daddy and just marry Twayne already. And then Jaye tried to rescue a squirrel's notes, but the goat ate the squirrel instead.
I actually didn't make that one up. So if you squirrels want to pour out a 40 or whatever squirrels do, go ahead. Or maybe the goat coughed it back up again and it miraculously survived. How should I know, I'm not the cryptozoologist.
Tyrion cancelled office hours, on account of goat. Tyrion, from the bar? Say, would horns be a dealbreaker? Just curious. Tara tried to stop goats from eating magical items in the Magic Shop, which apparently sells real magic items. I thought it was a store for stupid card tricks, but the ghost says I'm wrong. Gabrielle warned Tara that if you use weapons on the goats, the goats cry, and it's apparently a horrific vision. Now I'm really glad I didn't try that. Emma threw goats out of 'Dite's Decadent Delights -- another practical solution, and another store I need to check out. Petra locked the door to Groovy Tunes, and only opened it to anyone who knocked; in this case it was Kenzi, wanting to chit-chat and to use the bathroom to wash varnish off her hand. Ugh, could these things get any grosser?
Lastly but never leastly, Kenzi manned the bar at Caritas, flicking a cigarette lighter at the goats. Fire doesn't actually stop them, eff-why-eye. Much better to go the punching route should they come back.
All right. That's all my notes, and the gossip, real or invented, is no longer amusing me. I'm going to go watch the Real Housewives of Hell. I haven't seen any of the new episodes, so I'm way overdue for a TiVo marathon.
CLASSES
Adventures through History has to scotch its lesson about Alexander Graham Bell -- he invented the phone, then his father-in-law started the Bell Telephone Company, and now you call it AT&T -- because of interference by goats. Luckily, I just caught all of you up. Anyway, Pinkie Pie declares war on the goats, so it's face-punching time for the ugly bovids. Wait, magical horses aren't bovids, are they? I get confused enough about Rabbicorns. So then Pinkie Pie was sad that class got ruined, and Cassidy consoles her by pointing out that violence is very educational. Or something like that. I'll be honest, I'm skimming.
Childcare for Dummies taught its students how to change diapers. I am beginning to wonder if this class is stealth Sex Ed. There's an instructional video, but kids, if you can't work a diaper without step-by-step instructions, you are officially dumber than paint, and you should turn in your genitals just to be sure you never end up procreating. Also, never change the diapers on demon babies, because you can fall straight into the shit vortex. Then they had to change fake babies, but Topher was hiding from his. Not a bad strategy if it's a demon baby, because those suckers can bite pretty hard. He tells Rilla that he got beaten up by a goat. Apparently, she, I quote, judged him, and I hope that means she laughed at him because that's hilarious.
*chittering*
Role model? No, I'm just a teacher. They never mentioned anything about that. So then we have Cryptozoology 101, which wins on Name I'm Going To Have Most Trouble Pronouncing On The Mornings I'm Very Drunk. But I managed it fine today, since I'm just on my second mimosa, thanks for asking. Students turned in their brownies -- not the flavorful snack, and not the flavorful snack which has been laced with recreational drugs, I'll assume, either -- but not before they bitched about them a lot. And then complained some more. This sounds fun. I have to start being more sadistic in my class assignments. So after they're done whining, they break into groups and distinguish horses from kelpies. Kenzi and Mercy get freaked out by the horses that have red eyes and fangs in their reflections. Hey, guess who just found a kelpie?
DORMS
Britta adopts a cat, and is beset upon by a goat. I hear punching helps? Frank stops by and lures the goat away by talking about a stray cell phone in the hall. Is that what they're after? One tried to nibble on my Blackberry and I set it on fire. Which didn't do anything. Stupid goats. Susan hopes the goat isn't going to be in the room permanently, since she seems to be Britta's roommate. I have to say, I'd imagine roommates get veto power on goats. Any pet that can eat your shoes should be subjected to a vote.
Rilla is cooking in the fifth floor common room when a goat munches on her cookbook. So she does the sensible thing and beats the goat with the rest of her cookbook. Attagirl. Stacey asks Rilla if there's a way to get a phone back from a goat because one may have eaten hers, so yes, definite pattern here. Dave asks about the commotion, and offers to get Rilla a new shortbread recipe, but really, I say let her beat the goat to a pulp. It's therapeutic. Ulrik is also pro-violence, since he appears and offers to pound the goat into oblivion; Rilla is duly impressed when he succeeds. Stacey apologizes for not warning Ulrik, but she didn't know about the goats, which ... sounds like a pretty good excuse to me.
TOWNIES
Let's start with the big news: early this morning, the island was invaded by two thousand -- two thousand!?! -- and twelve cranky goats who kept eating electronic devices and being gigantic pains. I cannot believe that I chose this over sleeping with Twayne. I just can't.
Atton was out at the Rocky Bits but a goat tried to eat his fanny pack. Fanny pack? You're a guy and you use a fanny pack? ... Are you a guy? I can't tell with that name. Anyway, April Ludgate shows up with a phone, one that a goat tries to eat, and they discuss his tight pants, so apparently Atton is male, and April wants to bang him. It may not be true, but I'm tired of talking about goat-punching so I'm inventing salacious rumors to amuse myself.
Stephanie is on a run and also gets mugged by goats, this time for cookies; that's not interesting enough, let's say it's heroin instead. Frank is stalked by goats, but not mugged; this means he's secretly a goat, and the head of their death cult. He's probably secretly sacrificing babies in the sewers, in case you were wondering. And Billy and Topher go on a "ice cream date" where "date" is written with about twelve or fifteen "a"s in the middle, so I'm going to assume they had mad passionate sex on the countertops and used the ice cream in all kinds of kinky ways.
Phil Coulson shows up on the Causeway and is apparently a newcomer to the island. He is immediately attacked by goats. That is how we welcome people, Phil. Phil has no trouble dispatching the goats because he is secretly a CIA hitman ninja billionaire. Loki who is actually a real Norse god, which is cooler than a CIA hitman, says that teal deer are more common than cranky goats, and maybe I should call Daddy and just marry Twayne already. And then Jaye tried to rescue a squirrel's notes, but the goat ate the squirrel instead.
I actually didn't make that one up. So if you squirrels want to pour out a 40 or whatever squirrels do, go ahead. Or maybe the goat coughed it back up again and it miraculously survived. How should I know, I'm not the cryptozoologist.
Tyrion cancelled office hours, on account of goat. Tyrion, from the bar? Say, would horns be a dealbreaker? Just curious. Tara tried to stop goats from eating magical items in the Magic Shop, which apparently sells real magic items. I thought it was a store for stupid card tricks, but the ghost says I'm wrong. Gabrielle warned Tara that if you use weapons on the goats, the goats cry, and it's apparently a horrific vision. Now I'm really glad I didn't try that. Emma threw goats out of 'Dite's Decadent Delights -- another practical solution, and another store I need to check out. Petra locked the door to Groovy Tunes, and only opened it to anyone who knocked; in this case it was Kenzi, wanting to chit-chat and to use the bathroom to wash varnish off her hand. Ugh, could these things get any grosser?
Lastly but never leastly, Kenzi manned the bar at Caritas, flicking a cigarette lighter at the goats. Fire doesn't actually stop them, eff-why-eye. Much better to go the punching route should they come back.
All right. That's all my notes, and the gossip, real or invented, is no longer amusing me. I'm going to go watch the Real Housewives of Hell. I haven't seen any of the new episodes, so I'm way overdue for a TiVo marathon.