WTFH

*metal chinking*
*crackle and breath*
*long exhale*

“Hello, pets and poppets. Crowley here. Thought I’d take a crack at this radio biz since all the flash bastards are in broadcast, you know, because that’s where all the snat—oh, right. On the air. Rude of me, sorry. You know, you have the choice to turn the dial. Dreadful shame there’s not much else on at this hour.

Before we catch up with the sinful behaviour of you people, and all that rot, let me just take a moment to tell you that I am not now, nor have I ever been cute. I'm flash. Right then. Let’s get to it, shall we?


The Sorry State of Education

It’s the first week of the new term and already it’s abundantly clear there are troublemakers running rampant. Detention…that pitiful attempt to control you people, may well work with the lovely and gracious Ms. Skeeter at the helm. She’s my kind of woman. Have you seen her? And she has the right idea, what with essays on not being a peeping pervert, some new kind of reaping, or some such. Gillyweed sounds like drugs to me, which are always corruptive. Just when I might start to wonder just what kind of witch she is, I understand she shared with them some delicacies from home, which were enjoyed immensely by Pippilotta and Barbossa...pirates both. This woman is tempting me, and I bet she knows she's doing it, too. Ms. Skeeter, are you a good witch, or a bad witch? *rasping hissy laugh* She made them collect pus...smashing idea, woman! and then, just like across the pond, good old-fashioned lines. She also was forced, I'm sure, to do her duty as an instructor and punish that scoundrel Han. *tsktsktsk* Han...don't you know you never, never, never mouth off to a witch? My word boy, are you an imbecile?

Clearly he is, as he had to go see the brusque and dismissive princiPAL who reminds me an awful lot of another dictatorial overLord I knew...before.

As far as I can tell, they’re still there to. Good on you, witch. Wicked children...let this be a lesson to you. Be good or the witches and demons will snatch you up and make you miserable British sorry.

Erm, let's see...ooh, another very lovely and talented woman sat in her office today. Zoe...come play with me, you seem like the kind of lass a fellow could give an apple. *hissing snicker* But rather than get chatted up by a flash bastard, she instead talked to Susan, the new school counselor. Well, now. Was the door open, ladies? I need to figure out some way to get onto that campus...all the nastiest things go on there.

What evil lurks in that school? Well, that Jewish mathematician seems to think he can use numerology to figure out the Locker. Dr. Eppes, here's a hint...if it gives up its secrets it'll probably demand a pound of flesh. Just offer it up now, boy. That'll be just as quick. Well, quicker than employing the likes of another Charlie or a spelunking butler. *sighs heavily* I did not just say that. No one flash has ever said spelunking. Twice...bugger.


The Evil That Men Do, and the Women Who Encourage It

Some twitchy chipmunk of a girl got dumped by email. Well, now that's just like a woman, isn't it? Drop you, and not even to your face. *snorts* You'll get on fine, Winnifred. Come see me if you need...anything.

A girl named Mac is giving out cookies. Erm...are they wicked? Enchanted? Tamarind? This isn't even news.

The blond bombshell Draco got woken up by his girlfriend Lily. Now that one I've met. She's a hot little number. You should let her corrupt you right and proper, Draco. Again. And again.

She certainly doesn't need tips from DEATH, although the thought of that sassy ginger bint on the back of a white horse...it's the stuff Aziraphale's favorite books are made of.

Aeryn, Angel, Cameron, and John...one of the many I assume, got together today in room 238 for a large... weeellll now, this is more like it! Sodomy! Yes, children, it's still a sin. If you need any helpful hints John, I know I can work out something with you. You are so very fortunate to have wicked friends. I can see that soul is working out nicely for Angel...what with giving books to John like Going Down Gourmet...or whatever that title was. Aeryn acted the part in front of the fellows, but I have a feeling once they were gone, she was as wicked as any of her sex. Women. *derisive snort* Moving on...out of peoples' pants, one would hope...

Quite. Here we go. Once he's done pretending he knows what to do with a girl, Cameron does his homework. Get those books back and work on the other homework, Cameron. The streaky bird will thank you.

Another boy-named girl finished her homework, listened to wholesome music, and what? Brushed and flossed and went to bed to dream of rainbows and unicorns? Is this the human interest section? Humans aren't interested in this drivel. Sam, find the fun, girl! Make it yourself if need be...John and Aeryn might even loan you a book or five.

Or maybe you could go to the common rooms. Apparently they are the place to be. Unless you're Angel, who chats up people in the halls. Keep on making those good choices, vampire.

On the Fifth floor, Togusa shares Japanese treats. Looks like he has slimy beans in rice dough, slimy beans in a bowl, and something else slimy that I'm sure is delicious...if you're Japanese, or from one of those dark countries where they still eat bugs as a staple of their diet. Victor joins him...poor bastard.

On the Fourth floor, Xander has marshmallows. Which aren't slimy. They draw quite the crowd of first graders students, who watch the Smile Time puppet show.

On the Second floor, Cally and Molly color.

Slimy food, puppets, and coloring. I was lead to believe that was a high school, not some forsaken daycare of the damned. *snorts derisively*

And people litter the walls with posters. Shame on you, Anakin and Elizabeth. Trees died for your vanity and ambition. I hope that gnaws at you in the dark of night. And Anakin, tell your helpers that this kind of thing, while honest, isn't likely to get you elected.

Martin Blank is as much of a thief and a miscreant as he ever was. How are those flexible morals working out for you...Mr. O'Neill? Well, anyway, Martin Clarence Jack Blank O'Neill chats up two different birds and gets no where, even with his pilfered wad of cash. Marty, dear boy. Why does Angela even tolerate you? Angela, my sweet...*sighs* there's no hope...I wash my hands of you, crumpet.

My dear Piper seems to have a lot on her plate. Entree of worry with a side of emo, my dear. You know...I took care of your sister, I can do it for you too. Just the offer, pet. Your choice, always.


Portents of Doom and Heralds of the Apocalypse

Ah, I see now why Susan was in Zoe's office. She was hiding after escaping with barely her life from that vicious little brat with the bad shoes and that hideous red bow. Can't you just leave well enough alone, pest? Clearly not, as she had to go bother Kristy and Molly

An angel, a dog, and a doctor woke up all pensive... Wait a tick, isn't that the start of a joke? *shuffling of papers* Do they go to a bar? Do they meet a Rabbi at least? Because I know whatever they did, the angel is shirking his duty like the right wanker he is. Bookshop owner, my aunt's fanny. He spent to whole day puttering around the doctor's loft. Oh, please. Don't tell me you think it'll be that easy. I have the contract you daft old fool. Moving in with him won't change a thing.

Oh, and newsflash, people. Belthazor is clearly an idiot. I don't know why I bother with him. Honestly...I almost think he does things on purpose so I'll knock him around a bit. And that's just sick. I don't work that hard for anyone. Well, perhaps a little bird who flew away...but that's it. I'm not a monster, you know.

Chiana sent out an email to get the Safe Walk program up and running again. Smashing idea, missy, keep the rapscalians from last night from bothering my lovely Halliwell sisters. Or anyone else I suppose. Eager to join up are that fiesty Deb, Isabel, who seems just like every other nice normal girl here. Really. Oh, and look at that. Kiki had to rush headlong into this too. What a little joiner you are, brat. Ben and Michael join in, but Tex is slightly more mercenary about the whole affair. Dr. Wilson agrees to help, as does Zhaan. Aren't we just a town perky little helper people. Makes me want to vomit...except for her. *happy sigh* The most Graceful and luminous Inara signed up too. My dear, will you take my hand? I could be vulnerable just for you.

And perhaps tonight of all nights would be the time to institute it, since it appears my sweet Darla has decided my staff isn't young enough and chats up a tasty morsel named Victor who may well be full of slimy Japanese natto-bukkake-unagi-cuisine . Tut, tut, my dear. Dining doesn't have to be catch as catch can. Have a Pocky and go see the maid on the 3rd floor. *chink and drag of a new cigarette*

It seems remarkably quiet tonight. Is everyone in the Police Box shagging the speech teacher? Or is the music teacher's house the new hovel of debauchery in town? Or were they sucked up by those ghastly men in the quite un-flash jumpsuits yesterday? Well, I suppose if they were doing anything sinful, I'd have a message on my ansaphone.


If that’s all the stupid cruelty you have for me today, I can see I’m going to have to crawl out of the hotel more often. For the sake of…well, whatever you care about, really…come on people. If you’re going to be wicked and sinful, don’t do it half-assed. *clears throat* This has been a public service announcement from Anthony J. Crowley and I approve this message.

Right, then. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do…which doesn’t amount to a whole lot. *rasping hissy laugh*