WTFH

Reno: Yo, Fandom! Looks to me like we got another Tuesday. A good Tuesday. A fine Tuesday. The kinda Tuesday where the squirrels, furry little saints that they are, bring me booze. Yes, Fandom, you gotta tolerate another Tuesday night broadcast with Reno an' Jenny, yo. I'm Reno.

Jenny: And I'm Jenny.

Reno: And we got booze! And notes. We do got notes, right?

Jenny: What did you think this pile of paper was? Because it's not my shopping list, I'll tell you that.

Reno: If it was, I'd be tempted to say you shop like a girl I work with back home. Okay then, notes.

( Christmas Eve-Eve Radio )

Reno: Yo, Fandom! The faucets ain't runnin' hot chocolate today, but I can forgive the island for that. I think. The pet was gettin' thirsty, zoto. I'm drownin' my sorrow in booze, anyhow. I know. The chocolate was a beautiful thing. But somehow, we'll all have to survive. *chugging sounds*

Jenny: I needed a shower after the chocolate, but I regret none of it.

Reno: Kinda a shame the taps weren't runnin' booze again. Sorta less sticky, dependin' on which delicious poison you get stuck under, yo.

Jenny: At least alcohol has sterilizing properties. And it's better for my waistline. Actually, it's probably not, considering how much of it I drink. Sweet booze. Never leave me.

Reno: There's the one thing in life that ain't never gonna change. Booze. And notes. We got notes? It's Tuesday, I wouldn't be surprised if- sweet mother of Shiva, who let the squirrel report on Caritas, tonight?

( Karaoke Radio! )

Reno: Yo! *pant* Heh. Yo, Fandom! It's Tuesday again, and... heh. S'cuse me. *Chugging sounds* Okay. Caught my breath. S'good, zoto. Tuesday again, and time for another Booze'n'News broadcast with Jenny and Reno! And the squirrel over here who is my new best friend, 'cause it totally just handed me a bottle of Sambuca.

Jenny: The squirrel didn't give me anything. I'll just be over here pouting.

Reno: Or you could just nab some of its limoncello or grappa. Heh. That's one well-traveled squirrel, yo.

Jenny: What if I just want gin? Is gin so much to ask for?

Reno: Apparently. But look on the bright side. At least you got notes to comfort yourself with.

Jenny: Notes...aren't actually very comforting. Although I suppose you could stuff a pillow with them. It would be a very rustly pillow.

( Rustling Radio )

Jenny: Congratulations, Americans! I've been really worried about what the *censor beep* you were thinking since I came back from the dead, but today you didn't *censor beep* it up. I am so *censor beep*ing relieved, you do not even know.

Reno: And I ain't got no clue what's been goin' on the past few months, but I'm thinkin' somethin' big happened today, so I'm gonna give you a thumbs-up over the radio, yo. Pretend you can see my thumbs. They're up. An' I've already been drinkin'. So it seems like we're set to read news that's a little more local than the big stuff that cut out all the good TV shows I was watchin' today.

( Election Day Radio! )

Reno: So! Another Tuesday, yo. And we got classes again. You know, just when you think you got a good thing goin', the school year reasserts itself like some kinda... educational... institutional... thingie, zoto.

Jenny: I think the wheels just fell off your simile.

Reno: Thingie is a technical term, ain't it?

Jenny: Not...to the best of my knowledge, no. Sorry.

Reno: Well, can't say I didn't make the effort, yo. You think you can do any better, Jenny?

Jenny: Well, I could make some trite comment about the circle of life, but for some reason I suspect that would lead to the squirrels breaking into song.

Reno: Yeah. That kinda thing moves us all. Like a wheel of fortune, or maybe a leap of faith, or a... band of hope? Uh. Okay. I'm givin' up on the similes now. This educational crap is for the smart kids. We got notes?

Jenny: We do indeed have notes.

( The Circle of Radio Moves Us All. )

Reno: -- Yes, I know you've brought booze. I'm just sayin', squirrels, that ain't gonna be enough. I got possible pay cuts to take into consideration, now. You're little furry heroes, keepin' a hard-workin' high-school student from goin' dry. Think of it like that, and bringin' extra rum on Tuesdays is, like, charity or somethin', right?

*Chittering*

Reno: Well, I gotta try, anyhow. Yo, Fandom. It's Tuesday night, and this is News and not-quite-enough Booze with Reno and Jenny Sparks.

Jenny: Possible pay cuts? I wasn't aware you worked for money, Reno, I thought you simply boozed your way through high school. Not that there's anything wrong with that. In fact I firmly support it.

( Booze'n'News! )

Reno: --Whaddaya mean, the mangy bedheaded pirate guy drank all the freakin' rum? No, no stop hangin' out in the corner, I ain't gonna turn into some kinda clown- the heck, you guys! Just get us some booze in here! I don't care what it is! I'll drink fruity girly dr-- Oh. Oh, we're on the air? Yo, Fandom! It's been two weeks since we were in here, and the place has managed to go to heck while we were gone. I just want my free booze, okay?

Jenny: That's right, I won a bloody drinking contest for you people and I expect to be repaid accordingly, d'you hear?

( ... Booze and News? Maybe? )

Reno: Yo, Fandom! Ever hit the club so hard that three days later, you still feel like [[CENSOR BEEP]]? Yep. That'd be me. But at least this time I didn't end up with an unfortunate tattoo on my behind. Ain't you all proud?

Jenny: I've done that many times, but I'm pleased to say I've never wound up with a tattoo on my bum. I suppose this is just one of the many ways I'm superior to you.

( Radio, My *** )

Reno: First, I can't find my way to the freakin' radio station. And then the freakin mic is wrapped in bubblewrap- *pop pop pop* - and now the booze is all bound up and my co-host ain't here, either. Tonight's broadcast is gonna be an adventure, yo.

*Chittering*

( Bubble Wrap Radio )

Reno: ... It pops. *Pop!*

Jenny: So it does. *pop pop pop!*

*pop pop pop pop pop! POP!*

Reno: Yo, Fandom! Welcome to Booze 'n' News with Reno, a buncha squirrels, and this snarlin' fuzzy thing that fell on me as I walked into the radio station tonight. I dunno where my esteemed co-host is. Either she's off drunk somewhere, or she got eaten by a freakin' drop bear.

Drop Bear: Snarrrrrrrrrr.

Reno: Spoken like a true freaky fuzzy cute ninja teddy bear thing, yo.

Drop Bear: Snarrrrrrrr.

Reno: You need a name. I'll call you Jenny.

( Radio, Snarrr! )

Reno: I think we're done here, yo. Rum got to the co-host.

Jenny: Let's run before it wakes up with a hangover.

Reno: Good call. Good night, Fandom!


[Many kudos to the_merriest, who helped with the coding when my brain revolted against me!]

Reno: Yo, Fandom! Reno, Jenny, and a weird red bird-thing here to give you all the news you never wanted us to share, yo!

Parrot: Share, yo! Rrrawwwk! Yo!

Jenny: So did the ferret die and get replaced already, is that's what's going on here? Because I have to say, it was less annoying.

Reno: Nah, Mako's all well an' good, yo. Dunno where the parrot came from, but he's been good company today. Ain't you, stupid?

Parrot: Ain't you stupid?

Jenny: *snicker* The bird just called you stupid. And I thought its name was Dumbass.

Reno: He'll answer to both. He's a very flexible ferret that way, yo. We got notes?

Parrot: We got notes! We got notes!

Jenny: Oh my God, shut it up.

Reno: There's somethin' to be said for superglue on a chunk of cuttlebone, yo. First up, school.

( News! Rrrawk! News! )

*There is the very distinct, slightly goose-like sound of honking. And the less goose-like sound of angry chittering in response.*

Reno: Awww, you little stupid, you can't go terrorizin' the squirrels, yo.

*Honk!*

Jenny: Keep it away from me. Also, it's too stupid to live.

Reno: ... I'd tell you to take that back, but the weird ninja-weasel-goose is pretty stupid, ain't he?

*Honk!*

Jenny: Make it stop antagonizing the squirrels; they'll take away our booze.

Reno: You have an oddly compelling point. C'mere, stupid. Naptime or somethin'.

Jenny: Maybe if you give it rum it'll fall asleep. Or. Die or something.

Reno: But I don't want it to die. No rum for you, Weasel-thing.

( Honk! )

*Honk!*

Reno: Yo, Fandom! It's time for another installment of Booze 'n News with Reno and Jenny, and I'm gonna open up by sayin' that if anyone pulls a weapon on someone I know again, I'm gonna [[DEAD AIR]].

Jenny: Have I missed something again? Or did you just forget to take your meds before you came down here?

Reno: .... I ain't on meds. Was just one of those weekends, yo.

Jenny: One of those weekends with weapons.

Reno: And foxes.

( And news! )

Reno: How will I ever get by in life not knowin' the joy of watchin' guys throw a ball into a basket?

Jenny: I've managed so far. Just dull your pain with the liquor.

Reno: *chugging sounds* Oh, there it is. All the meanin' just came rushin' back into my dull, colorless life, yo. We done?

Jenny: I believe we are. Good night, Fandom! Drink one down for us!

Reno: Yo, Fandom! Second day of classes, and if you haven't learned how to turn on your respective radios by now, then there probably ain't any hope for you. And you won't even be insulted, because you won't be listenin' to the broadcast, will you? And as for the rest of you- shame on you for not showin' whoever ain't listenin' to this broadcast the wonders of modern technology or whatever. Radio's freakin' awesome! Enlighten them, yo!

Jenny: Whatever the bloody hell he said! Hello, Fandom High! And Fandom town, I suppose, and any bits of Greece that might accidentally be getting this broadcast. I'm Jenny Sparks, this is Reno 'I'm too sexy for a last name,' and this--

*slosh slosh*

Is Captain Morgan! We're here to bring you all the news that's not fit to print, because bollocks knows what's going on with the newspaper.

Reno: Newspaper's under new management and on summer break, yo. Kickass management. Just you gotta wait for it. First paper's gonna be good, yo.

*Chittering*

Reno: And no, I ain't just sayin' that because the new editor's my girlfriend. But while we're waitin' for newspaper, a news medium that you newbies from the past may be more familiar with, we on Pirate Radio have got notes! Loads... of... Notes. .... And ouzo! And rum! And... other booze! So we're well equipped to read 'em, ain't we, Jenny?

Jenny: The booze helps, it's true. So let's get started with...

( Radio, which is going to be decidedly more alcohol-influenced than the paper... )

Jenny: You poor sot. Good night, Jenny!

Reno: Good night Fandom!

*Loud footfalls. Things crash. Dead air.*

Reno: Yo, Fandom! Reno here, along with my co-host and mother-of-a-kid-that-ain't-gonna-ever-happen, Jenny Sparks! And we got, like, a break from school. I foresee drinkin' in my future, not a Tiny Evil, yo.

Jenny: I can't believe I'm saying this, but that child was cute. But so evil. So yes, never going to happen. Why? Because I will never be having sex with Reno, and also because I have the maternal instinct of week-old gum. And now you know.

Reno: Yeah, I might miss the kid, but I ain't that desperate to see the world end.

Jenny: I dedicated a hundred years to not letting the world end, I'm not throwing that all away, that's all I'm saying. Also, she stole my cigarettes.

( The News! Now With 100% Less Weetiny! )

Reno: I think the squirrels are gonna forgive us, Jenny. I might've offered to treat them to the rum next week, yo.

Jenny: Oh, thank God. They were starting to creep me out, too. Don't anger the squirrels, people. For real.

Reno: They got freaky, beady little eyes. And they stare.

Jenny: And while they stare, they take notes. ANYWAY, we hope you all enjoy your vacation and drink lots of booze, don't we, Reno?

Reno: What was that? I was makin' the best of my vacation time by drinkin' lots of booze, yo.

Jenny: That's the spirit. Say good night, Reno!

Reno: Good night, Reno!

Jenny: And good night meta for John boy!

Reno: Yo, Fandom! This is Reno, and there's my co-host, Jenny Sparks, who's apparently too cool to go without a last name, yo.

Jenny: My last name is astonishingly appropriate, so I decided to keep it. We won't even go into what I think of my teammates, who apparently decided this meant Century Babies named Jenny with themed last names were the Done Thing. Ahem.

Reno: Here's the part where I smiiile and nod, right?

Jenny: Well, you could agree my former teammates suck. That might be nice.

Reno: Aiight. You obviously traded them in for a better partner here on the air anyhow, yoto. We got notes?

Jenny: We got notes.

( The News Which is Newsy! )

Jenny: Hallelujah! Let's get drunk now.

Reno: I'll drink to that! *sloshy* I plan on startin' tomorrow with the king of all hangovers, yo.

Jenny: You can't have a hangover if you never stop drinking.

Reno: And there's the great thing about bein' paid in rum, yo. Say good night, Jenny!

Jenny: Good night, Jenny!

Jenny: Helloooooo, Fandom High. I'm Jenny Sparks, here with Reno who thinks he's too good for last names or something, Captain Morgan, and a bunch of sodding squirrels. So it must be Tuesday!

Reno: Looks like Tuesday. Feels like Tuesday. Went to my Tuesday class today. Maybe it's Friday, yo.

( TuesdayFriday Radio )

Reno: I'm thinkin' this public service announcement has opened up their eyes, yo. Say good night, Jenny.

Jenny: I don't want to say good night. You say good night.

Reno: ... Good night, Jenny.

Jenny: Good night, Reno. And good night, Fandom!

Reno: You know it's gonna be an interestin' broadcast when the squirrels tell you you gotta sit down before startin' to read, yo. I'm almost afraid to look at these notes. They gonna make me start singin' again? I'm not up for another round of Modern Major General, here.

Jenny: There will be no singing. If the singing starts, I am out of here. You hear me? No. Singing.

Reno: It's a deal, yo. We got these notes here, the ones the squirrels are wavin' their little arm-things over. And we're gonna read 'em. And we ain't gonna sing. And if I do end up singin', someone is gonna get hurt. I mean it.

Jenny: Ahem. Hello and welcome to Booze and News with Reno and Jenny. Now with one hundred percent less singing if someone knows what's good for them.

Reno: Don't even matter who the someone is, yo. Just let it be known, singin' from here on in is gonna mean a world of pain for someone. Whoever's closest. Whatever.

( The News! )

Jenny: We're done. Say good night, Reno!

Reno: Good night, Reno!


[Shiny OOC Notes from the paaaast, for your viewing pleasure!

London, 1936 - Aly gets an "Oh, Er!" from Bertie as she rolls across the pavement.
Chicago, 1933 - Sora has never hard of Chicago, and Turtle meets Bugsy Malone.
New York, 1930 - Lana arrives, and meets a Mrs. Parker that is not the Parker we know and love.
Cairo, 1923 - Barney likes the local ladies, and finds the Robin that isn't green at a local bar.
Paris, 1899 - Jeff has arrived, terrified. Romeo barters a donut for his freedom, and mistakes Toulouse for Tybalt. Deadpool gets a package from the fuuuuture! And also meets up with Jeff.]

Jenny: Hello Fandom High during this lovely spring break week. I'm Jenny Sparks, bringing you booze and news all by my lonesome this week as my co-host--the one who's not rum-shaped--has scarpered off somewhere, hopefully with a beach and bikini-clad

*chitter*

Jenny: Hang on a minute. The squirrel is handing me a phone.

*chitter chitter*

Jenny: You want me to hold the phone up to the microphone? Okay...

( Wark! )

Reno: ... Used all my spare change on missin' 'em. I.O.U? I'll collect from number four's win after the broadcast? Which should be, like. Right now. You haven't drunk yourself into a coma yet over there, Jenny?

Jenny: No, I'm savin' that for Mexico. Viva tequila! Or something like that. Yes. Er. Good night, Fandom?

Reno: Tequila's from... Mexico? I only heard of the place today and I like it already. Good night, Fandom! I gotta go collect and put another twenty gil on the blue one.

[This broadcast has been brought to you by crack, a cameo from sarcasm_guy as Rude, the letter Z, and by viewers like you.]

Reno: I would like to state for the record that I hate you all. *Chittering* Yes. You. No, you don't get to take pictures. Stop that.

Jenny: *hysterical laughter*

Reno: Yes, I hate you, too.

Jenny: *snicker* Oh, come on, you must admit it's funny.

Reno: I do. I just think it would be hilarious if your face was blue, too.

Jenny: Been there, done that. I'll pass.

Reno: Anyone out there actually listening? My face ain't blue. I just hate you all for no reason. Dammit.

Jenny: He's lying, his face is positively azure, if only you could see it, dear listening audience.

Reno: I am going to read the news now. And hate you all. A lot.

( The News. Which is Blue. )

Reno: I hate everything. Are we done?

Jenny: Yes, my blue friend. We're done. Say good night, Reno!

Reno: I hope you all choke on rum and turn blue. Good night, Fandom.

Jenny: And from me as well. Without the choking wishes. Ta!

Reno: Yo Fandom! It's Tuesday night, which means that the squirrels have given us more booze to read you the news. In fact, my esteemed co-host decided last night over illegitimate eggy lovechild omelet that we're gonna call this program that from here on in. So, here we are, yo. Booze and News with Jenny and Reno. And more omelet. Because nothing goes with rum the same way as the relatives of your class assignment, yo.

Jenny: For the record, Reno's offspring and its relatives are delicious. Who knew?

Reno: Must be the chicken in Princess Ron's blood, yo. Just does somethin' to the egg, you know?

Jenny: You're really sodding weird, you know. I admire that about you.

Reno: Takes equal parts practice and rum. Spent the day working on the practice. Now it's time for the rum. And the news, yo!

( The News. Which is Weird. )

Jenny: In that case, good night, Fandom. I have better things to do.

Reno: Good night, Fandom!

Reno: Okay, you little rats really gotta stop starin' at me that way. Yes, I'm talkin' to you, yo. And you throw one more acorn at me, I'm gonna--

*thunk*

Reno: .... One of you rodents has a deathwish, don't you?

*rummaging sounds*

Jenny: Reno! Reno! It's full of rum!

( Yes, Rum. )

Jenny: Don't let the squirrels get to you. They're squirrels.

Reno: It'd be a waste of good booze anyhow. We done?

*shuffling*

Jenny: Well, that's all the notes, so...yes. Yes, we are.

Reno: Good. Talkin' always slows the drinkin' process. I've got quality time to spend with our co-host and its friends.

Jenny: Funny, that's what I'm planning to do tonight, too. Good night, Fandom!

Reno: Hello, co-host!