WTFH

Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me--

Good morning, me hearties, and welcome to one of the last days of the year 2011...that will never not be strange fer me to say.

Where are me notes?

*frantic chittering*

Ohhhhhhhh. Ye were all very boring yesterday. Fortunately, we have an entire crop of new people arriving this very day t' wake ye up!

Oh, and a very happy birthday t' Annie, who spent the day o' her birth researching financial aid fer colleges.

And that's everything we have today! I'm goin' back t' bed.

Good mornin', Fandom! It is I, Captain Jack Sparrow, 'n I am most pleased t' report that we have not all been wiped off the face of the earth!

*chittering*

I have been informed this is no longer news.

*papers shuffling*

Onto the things that are! Classes had exams! Well, Tropes 'n Scope had an exam where they wrote about their own lives in tropes. Elements o' Friendship had a party. A...cute-ceanera, where they all receive their very own cutie marks. Jeremy got a Z 'n Juliet got a two, 'n so they wondered if they were a Zorro movie sequel. Summer gave a take-home exam fer her class, Pinkie was in her office makin' t-shirts fer her class after, er, class, Anakin was spinnin' in his chair--might be the effect o' the vodka Zoe delivered--'n Bo had a new chair wit' a massage feature. THEY HAVE THOSE?

*chittering*

I'm gettin' one. Hercules stopped in t' complain about how his office was turned into a chicken restaurant, there were tweetin' wit' Kenzi--did she turn into a bird?--'n Zoe brought her vodka too. I would like t' note that I have no vodka.

In the dorms, Kate ditched workin' out in favor o' eatin' cookies in the second floor common room, 'n Elphaba stopped in 'n talked about their zombie class final examination. Petra turned 17 'n threw herself a party on the sixth floor. There was th' required minglin' where Mercy checked in wit' Toby, Richie wondered why Freddie was there in a tuxedo, Mercy 'n Hanna talked about exams 'n the showcase that's...tonight, aye? Aye! Rilla updated Annie on the fate o' the starvin' Belgians, Freddie were glad t' see Butters in a tie as well, Mercy said hello to her roommate Billy, 'n Kenzi yelled at the cake. Was it movin'? Annie 'n Kenzi partook--is that a word?--partooken? in the ballpit, 'n then everyone could talk to the birthday girl. Freddie, Annie, Hanna, Mercy, Butters, Toby, Richie, Kenzi, Bruce, Rilla 'n Billy all chatted with Petra before she opened all o' her loot! Did ye bring me any?

*angry chittering*

What d' ye mean "tacky"?

'n town was pretty quiet yesterday--well, other than the coyote takin' a screwdriver through town, which is odd even fer here--'n Kenzi told the zombies not t' play holiday music.

Enjoy yer break, Fandom! Talk t' ye next week!

It is the day after Thanksgiving and I, Captain Jack Sparrow, am still full.

I probably shouldn't have eaten so many rolls, savvy?

Since it were a holiday and all, there was naught a class to be held yesterday. In the dorms, Ender called Peter, and then talked wit' Ben about what he told Peter about. Boy Sam who didn't teach were in his room, where he explained t' Natalie that he was not avoiding her. And after dinner, Jack o' the Carters ran across a Lady Gaga special on television, which he needed Seifer t' explain t' him.

*weirded out chittering*

No, I don't think she's worn live squirrels yet.

And finally, in town, we all ate ourselves ill--probably not in a food-poisony way--at the big Thanksgivin' feast. Caroline warned Jacob away from the oyster stuffin', Raven said hello t' Chuck of the Basses, and Really Tall Sam did the same. T' Chuck, not Raven. Ye could also share what ye are thankful for.

I, myself, am thankful fer rum.

*chittering*

Try t' contain yer shock. That's all from here--talk t' ye next week with the news o' yesterday.

Why is it so dark in the mornings now? It is hardly an encouraging thing to do, getting up before the sun does, and I shall not be making a habit of it.

This is Captain Jack Sparrow, by the way, and ye've tuned into the one and only Pirate Radio. Now onto the news of yesterday!

In classes, Elements o' Friendship had t' babysit--ponysit?--three small ponies, which was explained t' them by their pony teacher, who was dressed as a chicken. As ye do. Sensitivity Training watched an instructional video on why ye shouldn't make fun of old people, 'n Tropes 'n Scopes played wit' children's toys in order t' learn how to write science fiction. Anakin held his office hours, complete wit' tiny droid babies that are now able t' move about on their own--that doesn't sound like a terrible idea at all--and received a phone call from his granddaughter Jaina who was very far away and thus hard t' eavesdrop upon and a visit from Raven, who was angry 'n upset.

In the dorms...nothing happened. Well that was easy!

In town, Fraser closed up the pool at MHA, Sov drank coffee--mm, coffee--at Stark Industries, Scully played wit' alien autopsies--really?

*chittering*

Something like that, anyway, at the clinic, and Kenzi experimented wit' adult milkshakes at Caritas, which the squirrels would like t' note, brought no boys t' the yard. And no one was maimed. Sigh.

And that's all we have fer news today! Go out and pick a fight or something, savvy?

It is Friday, me hearties, which means it's time fer yer very favorite--and I'm not, don't tell me--radio broadcaster of the week, Captain Jack Sparrow, bringing ye the news of yesterday before it becomes tomorrow. But you wouldn't want to miss today. I hear there's a carnival.

( Homecoming Friday radio! )

And that's all the notes! I'm off t' the carnival--I think I see a pirate ship!

It is indeed morning, me hearties, judgin' by the big glowin' thing in the sky, and that I means I'm probably Captain Jack Sparrow, ye're listening to Pirate Radio on WTFH and ye have about five minutes t' get t' class before ye're late.

If ye care about that sort of thing. Fear not, though, fellow scallawags! It's Autumn Break next week, not that I've been invited on the trip...

( News! )

That's all the notes I have today! Enjoy yer Friday!

Good morning, me hearties! Not that I see what's particularly interestin' about being up wit' the sun 'n the twitterin' bloody birds. Anyway, onto the news!

( The news! )

That's all the news fer this mornin'! Do update me and tell me what manner o' tattoo Topher has now. I'm jes' hopin' that it's not a dolphin or a butterfly...

Good morning, Fandom! Is anyone out from under their beds yet?

Didn't think so. And remember, I am a captain, so that marriage was legally binding. Except we weren't on a boat. But details! On to yer wonderfully wacky escapades yesterday!

Mine weren't wacky. I was amazing.

( You were all ON DRUGS )

And finally, we leave ye on the pretty picture o' Jaina bein' haunted by her dead husband Howard on the beach with the volcano explodin' in the background, and nine people probably dead fer yesterday. Ye're all mad, and that's me sayin' so.

[OOC: Massive apologies on the lateness of radio, folks.]

Good morning, me hearties! It is I, Captain Jack Sparrow, today is the first day o' September, and if you have a first period class, you better run if you are planning t' make it.

Living alarm clock--just another of the services we provide here at Fandom Radio.

Let's get to the news, savvy?

( News. So much news! )

That's all the notes for today! Off ye go to classes or jobs like productive citizens! I'm back t' bed.

Good morning, me hearties! It is I, Captain Jack Sparrow, bringing ye the news on these final days before a new group of students and teachers arrive on this island. If anyone named William Turner arrives--he's a eunuch. Lovely singing voice, though.

We had no classes yesterday, as befits the week before the new semester--not even a student hiding in the library like a book has ever taught ye something. Over in the dorms, Helen continued th' exodus of graduates, but not before James stopped by t' say farewell.

And in town, the part o' the island that matters because that's where I live, Kate had her last shift at the movie theater. Nathan came in to demand candy 'n say goodbye, and Topher was there for a movie 'n was quite surprised to see that Kate worked there. He took the chance t' whine about how her boyfriend had punched him, which I'm told is always hugely effective.

*chittering*

Oh, I missed a "not at all". My apologies. Mitchell and Kate realized they had no idea what the mate who works the box office is actually named and her plans for when she returns to Kansas. Young William was dealing wit' far too many peaches at Fixer Uppers, Emma was doling out free condoms t' graduates at Dite's under the watchful eyes of Jack who was not me, and Alex the wench went to Caritas where Nathan told her she was an infant 'n couldn't serve her.

...did she turn into an infant? Around here, that might not be out o' the realm of possibility.

That's all the notes I have, other than a warning that if ye don't wish t' be subjected to naught but Captain Kangaroo today--who I can assure ye is not a real Captain--leave the televisions off.

Good morning, Fandom! It is I, Captain Jack Sparrow. Please hold your applause until the end as ye might wake up yer roommates.

We start, as always, with classes! Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse had a final exam, complete with number two pencils, The Magic of a Good Time had a--this is a huge surprise--party, complete with cake and costumes. After class, Kenzi told Pinkie Pie how much she'd enjoyed herself, which is prime kiss-up behavior, says I. Everything's a Weapon ventured across the causeway t' take paintballs to the monochromatic color scheme there, which could only improve the place, and even the teachers were fair game. Kenzi was here as well kissing up--are grades really that important t' ye, wench?--and Gabrielle was back in the library after missin' last week.

In the dorms, Seifer called home t' catch up on the gossip, and Tahiri and Raven talked and braided each other's hair and had a pillow fight. I'm assuming because the squirrels wandered away after a bit. Sam who's a boy was in his room polishing his skateboard, if ye know what I mean and I think ye do. Karla's bad mood was cheered considerably by a series o' voicemails, Alex who's a girl was makin' coffee really late at night--Bruce stopped in t' see if the television was behaving for her because it hates him--and Jaime didn't mock Momoko fer getting glue everywhere as she tried to repair shoes that Scully chewed on.

And finally in town, the only part of the news that really matters, Kate was at the theater for her second-to-last shift and Mitchell told her he's throwing her a staff party next week. Drinks on Mitchell, everyone! At Goodvalor's Little Bivoli--which is a restaurant and not a euphemism--Toby tried t' run out on his check, but Zayne stopped him, and Jaina was suprised t' see Zayne in town, so they caught up a bit. Young William didn't let strawberries interfere with his project at Fixer-Uppers, Hank comforted the panda at T&C for punching Apu--that seems backwards--Chuck was eating Mooby's on the boardwalk, Quinn's back at the hotel after a quick jaunt off-island, Rude was trying to sell stamps at the post office, Lion-o was confused by the existence of fried pickles at Cafe Luke's, and Emma was vexed by exploding cans of whipped cream at 'Dite's. Peter took pictures of the mess because he had a death wish, and Jack of the Priests got distracted by Emma eating whipped cream.

And I should leave ye on that image, but we have more notes. I'll just give ye a moment.

Jessica brooded at the Devil's Nest before asking Eric hypothetical questions about knowing about the future. Jaina's work on her datapad--probably not a euphemism as she was in public--was interrupted by Hercules and Tahiri. And in Caritas, Nathan's was interrupted from tossing bottlecaps at Tino by having t' serve Hercules drinks--but not before Hercules said the magic word. Which, I have on good authority, is "Give it here or I'll shoot ye."

And that is an excellent motto t' leave ye on. I'll talk to ye next week!

Good morning, me hearties and whatever those creepy things are lurking out by the pond! It is I, Captain Jack Sparrow, coming to you live through your radio and across the school intercom because I'm sneaky that way!

We have lots o' news from yesterday today, so settle in and hope this doesn't take until tomorrow.

*silence*

What? I thought it was very clever.

First off, yesterday th' infection o' the campground has extended t' cabins, which are now gray and brittle. So no sneaking back there t' have sex, all right? Oops, too late. Tony and Topher already went.

( Cut for length and excessive capslock abuse )

Ooh, late breaking news! There's a town hall meeting in the auditorium this afternoon where those of us who aren't turning gray will hopefully learn how t' avoid such a dire fate.

*more frantic chittering*

What do you mean, attacking squirrels?

*crashing, banging, radio silence*

Good morning, ladies, gentlemen, and people I would actually like t' make the acquaintance of! It's I, Captain Jack Sparrow, bringing you the news of yesterday today!

( Yay, radio! )

And that's all from here! See ye in class tonight where I can almost promise that woolly mammoth is not on the menu.

Good morning, me hearties! It is once again the dulcet tones of I, Captain Jack Sparrow, bringing you the news of yesterday today!

There is naught a peep from the school yesterday, which is how it should be in the summertime. After all, I never had much time fer book learning and look where it got me! Captain of me own ship and wanted in several countries! It's all right t' envy me. Many do. Oh, wait, I'm wrong. The lovely Bo has got herself set up in the school security office--the squirrels agree that the chair is quite spinny--and got a visit from Principal Winchester to see how she's settling in.

In the dorms, Rilla called home t' be excited about her trip...home. Child, if yer going to see them in a few days, why call them? Sam who's a wench was watching Food Network--did ye see Chopped? It's me favorite!--in the fourth floor common room when she was interrupted by a shirtless Freddie who claimed to have spilled hot chocolate on his shirt. Matey, it's almost July. Why were ye drinking hot anything? Topher was there as well--fully clothed, if you were worried, and talked to Sam about playing laser tag with his set, which was made for eight people. Sadly, Topher doesn't know eight people yet. So ye heard it here first, folks--Topher has a laser tag set! Go find him! No need t' thank me, Topher.

And finally, in town, the only part of the island that matters, Lion-O was really impressed by the new fridge at Cafe Luke's, Kate saw the movie playing during her shift at the movie theater before getting interrupted by Hannibal, who she got snippy with about who knows what about being a vampire before getting a phone call that upset her even more. And at Caritas, Nathan was bitching to Tino, who was just trying to get drunk. Ramona stopped in and Nathan was very put out to actually have t' do work at work.

And that's all we have! Enjoy your week off! As for me, I'm going back to Atlantis t' ogle the women.

Good morning, Fandom! It is once again Thursday morning--

*frantic chittering*

What do you mean it's Tuesday? I thought I worked Thursdays now.

*shifty chittering*

You're just messing with me now, aren't you? I'll have ye keelhauled, pressganged and other nasty nautical things. But first, the news!

( The news! )

Well, that's all the new that I have today. Have a wonderful, soggy day. Again. And I'll talk to ye all again at some point when the squirrels wake me up.

Morning, me hearties! It is I, Captain Jack Sparrow--

*squirrel-y applause*

Oh, that wasn't necessary.

*awkward pause*

But that didn't me ye should stop, rodents.

*more applause*

Thank you kindly, and this is pirate radio, bringing you all the news of yesterday...today. And apparently there was some strange happenings happening this weekend. I didn't notice, which is a mite worrisome as I am a very observant individual.

*sniggering*

Quiet you, or no more rum. First we start at the school where a person I've not heard of until this very moment, Star, was in the library looking for books on vampires. Would it not be easier to ask any one of a number of vampires traipsing around the place instead? Oh, it was daytime, wasn't it?

I still wouldn't be reading t' find out. Mayhaps that's just me.

In the dormitories, Nico was distraught t' discover his normal black clothing had been replaced with naught but pastels and collars that refused not to pop up, and was even more worried when a boy going by Jason arrived in his room wearing the wrong face and hair. RUN FER YER LIVES, JASON IS A FACE STEALER.

*chittering*

I've been told that may have been an overreaction. Moving along.

In town, the only part of the island that truly matters, Dolf was singing the greatest hits of 80s Europop in All & Sundries. There was more than one hit? Madison, another person I've never heard of before, came in to buy salt and recite commercial jingles at him. I will assume they were catchier than Europop. Isabela was in the Devil's Nest being confused by the musical stylings of Duran Duran. Were they European? I am too lazy to check. Jim's solar something was turned into a skateboard over at Sparky's House of Fixing Things or Somesuch, and Bozo the Clown hosted a game show in the park where you could compete for cash and prizes. Hanson--yet another person I have never heard of, I must need to get out more--took him up on the challenge.

And finally, I was by the radio station taking all of your votes for this summer's broadcasters and am pleased to announce that--

*drumroll*

Annie Edison, Butters Stotch, Deadpool & Reno, Jack Carter & Columbus Ohio, Dave Nelson and Peter Wiggin will be joining me on the airwaves this summer! Please don't expect to be paid.

The time of year when we look for radio talent! And we’re looking for a few good men/women/other to become the island's voice for the summer.

Students, teachers, townies, newcomers, old hands—everyone is welcome to try out!

Beginning Tuesday, May 10 (the first full week with all the newbies), everyone who’s interested—new talent and old talent—will have an on-air audition (meaning that they’ll do a recap for everyone to read that goes up sometime before noon eastern time the next day (So the Tuesday broadcast covers Monday's news)). It’ll also give them an idea of how much time the coding will take and give them a final chance to flee from the chaos).

We’ll then put up a poll and you’ll all get to vote for the seven people/things who will be bringing the news to Fandom for the summer!

This is also your chance to do a one-off: if you've always wanted to do radio for just one night, here's the place to volunteer for it! You can also sign up here to volunteer to become an honorary squirrel, one of our intrepid research staffers. After th tryouts are completed you can also decide if you want to stay or run screaming into the distance ala a Warner Brothers cartoon.

If you're interested, please drop a comment in this post.

Thanks!

Good morning, me hearties! The sun is bright, the birdies are twittering annoyingly in the trees and you only have a few more days left of classes before a long, beautiful stretch of doing nothing remotely educational stretches before you.

Kind of like what I do all the time, and I know you want to be just like ol' Captain Jack, don't you? Of course you do.

( Notes! Weddings! Drama! Intrigue! Click here for more! )

And that's all of me notes. All of the weddings I performed were totally binding, if we had been on board a ship. But we weren't. Drink up anyway, me hearties! It's almost summertime!

Good morning, all of you puffy, bloating, balding old people! It is I, the immortal Jack Sparrow, and no, ye may not know where the Fountain of Youth is. I've found it, it's all for me, I'd start cackling in glee but it not really my style.

*sound of thumping*

Nor is drowning in notes. Good God. Let's start in on this, then, shall we, me hearties?

( So. Many. Links. )

Oh! We're out of notes. I'm going t' the brunch t' drink all the mimosas. Race ye there.

[OOC: SO MUCH THANKS TO MY SQUIRRELS TODAY.]

Good morning, me hearties! The sun is up, the birds are tweeting, seven separate squirrels are suffering from hay fever...it must be spring. And everyone knows what spring means: marauding season on the open seas begins!

*chittering*

What do you mean, ye don't celebrate that any more? There's no sense of tradition today.

( The news! )

And that's all for the day! Remember that St Patrick's Day has passed, so anything green in the cafeteria is not festive, it's just old.

I don't care what you say, you are rodents, and I believe it is still February. Why would one month have two less days than the rest of them? That's ridic--we're on the air. Well played, tree rats. Well played.

I am Captain Jack Sparrow, this is pirate radio, and there is a very good chance at least one of you is still doing a lobster impression from your vacation, so I find myself in a much better mood than last week even if not a one of you has stopped by with bribes. There's just no courtesy these days. It's sad.

( And now to the news! )

And that's all we have for today. Skip the green food at the cafeteria today. It's not festive for the month, it's just gone off.

But I don't want to be up, squirrels! I was watching a rerun of Truth Touch. This is quite unfair.

Greetings, Fandom! It is I, Captain Jack Sparrow, bringing you all of the news--and some bits which are boring, but you can't, after all, all be as thrilling to talk about as I am--from yesterday.

( Where there is a loooot of discussion of flower petals. )

And if you were drinking every time I mentioned flowers or petals, I do apologize to your liver, especially at this early hour. That is the end of the notes, so I return to Truth Touch! Do enjoy your day.

Just before first period, the school's PA system crackled to life with the same news that the radio station was carrying.

"Check, check, hello? Is this thing on? I do hope so because one hates to repeat oneself. I, naturally, am Captain Jack Sparrow, pirate, scalliwag and general ne'er-do-well, and this is the news of what you were up to do all day yesterday. I do hope there was at least some plundering involved. Onto....

( The radio! )

That seems to be all you were up today yesterday, me hearties. Stop with all of this reading, and please be wary of the cafeteria, which seems to be serving sentient meatloaf today."

Hopefully everyone will take a break from drowning in the joy of newbie picnics to check the flist because radio tryouts start tomorrow, hooray, and there is still time to sign up!

Be sure to read this next part, please!

Broadcasters:
We are going to try something new during the tryouts, too. Instead of the radio going up at night IG, it will be played in the morning before classes begin. In addition to it coming over the radio as usual for townies to hear it, Jack would use his powers of handwavy bribery or some such to hack into the school's PA system, where the radio could serve as a really cracky version of Channel One News (without the every present Gillette razor ads). Therefore, broadcasters would have until noon EST to put up a broadcast talking about the events of the day before, timestamped as a "good morning, here's what you were all up to yesterday" thing. Linkdrops would be due at roughly the same time they are now for broadcasters who would want to get it up at night like they've always done.

Hopefully this will interest folks in helping out with the radio who were normally not able to stay up until ungodly times at night/living in different timezones!

Researchers:
We are still looking for a person to pick up part of a squirrel shift for radio on Sundays (the only day you'd have to work!), and we are also recruiting for "special events" squirrels--people we can tap to help us linkdrop during days like, well, today, when there is a loooot of stuff to grab. If you'd like to be a special event squirrel, please note it that way in ye old sign-up.

Thank you, thank you! And now back to your regularly scheduled newbie day!

The radio crackled to life around noon.

"Hello, wenches, eunuchs and various ne'er do wells. Oh, and the lovely Mrs. Winchester, whose wrath I wish not to encounter," Jack began. "Here are your radio pirates for the next few months. Give them a hearty round of applause and round of rum on me, unless, of course, they are far too young to appreciate such a beverage, in which case you should give it to me."

There was a pause.

"Or you could just give it all to me and I will most diligent in making sure they receive it."

They'd never see it.

"Anyway, before the angry rodents throw things at me, here are the names:

Lacey Burrows
Zoe Winchester
Jane Lane
Deadpool and Ghanima
Cara
Jessica and Sookie
Dan and Wallace

Congratulations and be sure to pack your pith helmets to stop acorn-related concussions. Our health care insurance is bollocks."

With that the radio turned off again.

[OOC: YAY CONGRALUTIONS ALL!]