WTFH

Jessica: Welcome to WTFH, Fandom's Pirate Radio Station. This is Jessica Drew, bringing you the news on everything that happened yesterday.

James: No.

Jessica: No what?

James: This is my final broadcast. You don't get to be part of it.

Jessica: Sorry, partner. I bribed the squirrels with rum, so I stay.

James: I could run you out of this radio station before you have time to blink.

Jessica: Try it.

James: Okay*PEW**POW*OW! Geez! Fine! Fine! Ugh, I hate you.

Jessica: That's hurtful. I'm hurt, deep down inside. But on the surface outside, I know it's tim to read the news!

( Sorry, newbies. You're on your own trying to understand what's going on. )

Okay, so, I'm light on notes today. So we're going to play a little game. I'm going to read the notes as fast as I can and this wretched little squirrel next to me --

*chitters*

-- is going to shotgun a bottle of rum and we're gonna see who finishes first.. I have no idea how you'd even do shotgun a glass bottle of rum, but this little psycho is talking a big game.

And don't worry, the less drunk squirrels will be slowing the tape down and immediately re-airing the broadcast in case you can't listen in super-speed.

So, count of three. Ready?

*chitter*

*chitter*

*CHITTER*

( *HORN!* )

Okay everyone, last night was prom. Hopefully some people got lucky. If you didn't, hopefully you got drunk at the punch bowl.

*chittering*

Screw you, I'm the best teacher.

( Prom Radio! )

Good news/bad news. Bad news is that I still don't have boobs or anything else that would be an awesome change of pace for a few days until somebody else fixes this stuff. Good news is that nobody did anything yesterday so I don't have to say too much about your cool things. So take that, suckers. Lets' do this.

( Cut for the sake of unnecessary cuts! )

Breaking News: I'm still an American, all of my body parts are where they're supposed to be, and that includes my very special parts that I'm still happy to share with any ladies of legal age who might be listening yadda yadda.

So, we done with that bit? Good. Let's get onto the rest of what happened around town.

Dorms

On the second floor, Cecil was watching extra TV with his extra eye that he totally always had no really I believe you. Amelia was less sure of that and started asking pointed questions about the third eye, probably because I don't think I've ever heard of her and that either means she's new to this place and the fact that some people have ALWAYS had third eyes for reals, or I'm doing a much better job with not remembering names than I thought. Seriously, if she's been here all semester and I've never even heard of her in passing, I'm giving myself a reward.

*PEW*

The reward is fine Scotch and I'm drinking it now. No time to fact check! I'm at work!

Town

And far away from the students, we had James Bond eating pastries and drinking coffee out on the front steps, because that's just what you do in winter. But he disagreed with my definition of winter - look at a calendar! - when A-err-wynn stopped by and asked WTF.

*chittering*

You're kidding me, it's pronounced 'Erin'? I'd call this whole Aeryn thing ridiculous but I just realized that I figured out what the squirrel was saying when it corrected my pronunciation, so I'm just going to start drinking and never stop, k?

At the Arms, Nikolai took a phone call from one of his clients and wasn't as supportive as I'd want if I was a coked up Hollywood type. Mostly because of the coke. I'm guessing.

Cecil seemed way too cheery at Curiosities as he unpacked kewpie dolls. And yes, they were creepy.

Turns out, most of the real action of the day was at the Boards, where Drac was holding auditions between phone calls for some hotel somewhere that's not here. Sparks and Kenzi had a discussion about aditioning here, elsewhere, some Canadian names I think, and I don't know what else because both Canada and the stage are places I'm happy knowing nothing about. It got easier to follow when Sparks told Kenzi about the little warehouse girl he adopted, probably not legally.

Then Sparks had his audition which was so great that Drac told him he's President. Okay, exaggeration. He just told Sparks to train other actors because he's that good.

Jono showed up for Drac to be introduced to his lack of a head, making Drac one, ONE confused Count. Ah ah ah.

Shut up, it's comedy gold.

Drac continued to be slow on the uptake when Kenzi told him about her long history of dancing before they moved on to talking about her audition.

Okay, that's it, still no boobs on my chest and memory intact. Hashtag winning.

Okay, boys and girls and boys that are now girls. It's time for your news. Top story today, my boobs. They're awesome and I'm going to miss them when they're gone.

Second story, if there are any consenting adult ladies who are questioning certain things about themselves, 555-SDMN. Serious inquiries only, please.

And now to the rest of the news. ( No one should really be surprised by this. )

Hahahahahaha, seriously, somebody's letting me do this? Okay, can't wait to see who gets fired over this one.

My name is James and I'll be your radio host today.

( Supervillain Radio! )