WTFH

Good evening, fellow Fandomites! Man, it seems like forever since I've said that! I guess that can happen when you're stuck as a turtle, but that Adah girl did a...um, well. It was nice of her to cover, that's all I'll say.
In the important news, Jeff? Is still a rock and hidden in a bag where no one can see him, safely beside me at the studio here because, trust me. Not something you want to randomly happen across, thinking, "Oh, a bag. I wonder what could--OH GOOD LORD WHAT IS THAT? I CANNOT UNSEE IT!!!"

That's bad.


What's not bad, though, is news. So let's get to it.

( Because everyone missed Turtle, ADMIT IT. )

Oh! And good night, Fandom, and have a prosperous tomorrow.

I...wonder if I might. *COUGH*

*click*


[[ We're drunk. Well, I know I am; I can't speak for my amazing guest tonight, but I can touch her if I wanna. Mwa ha ha. ]]

Jeff: I still think he was entirely wrong about the squirrels, Turtle.

Turtle: Who? Trip? What did he say about the squirrels?

Jeff: ...You really don't want to know. Trust me. It's too horrible.

Turtle: Too horrible for radio?

Jeff: Too horrible for people. Can we have notes? Please?

Turtle: Fine, fine. Notes. Onto the news!

( When a Man and a Woman love each other VEEEEEERY MUCH.... )

Turtle: and so on and so fo-- so fo-- so fo...So many notes...

*sound of crashing*

Jeff: Turtle? Turtle?! Turtle! Oh my god!

*more crashing noises, a chair falling, and then a CLICK*

Jeff: ...and you know, Turtle, the universe is oddly fortuitous.

Turtle: ...uh, yes, Jeff, I'd have to agree with you there.

Jeff: I'm just saying! Oh, is this on? ...Oh my god.

Turtle: Oh my god, what? Is it sheep again?

Jeff: It's been on the whole time, hasn't it?

Turtle: Well, not the whole time. It went on with the universe and its odd fortuitousness.

Jeff: Oh. Okay.

( The Radio is Oddly Fortuitous )

Turtle: Yes. Right. The nurses. As good a note as any to end the broadcast, I suppose.

Jeff: Nurses are always good. There's nothing bad about nurses.

Turtle: There's plenty bad about them! If there's nurses, it means there's a doctor's office, and if there's a doctor's office, then something's wrong.

Jeff: Which is compensated by the presence of nurses.

Turtle: I'd rather just not be sick. But, nurses or no nurses, there are no more notes, so let's say g'nite, Jeff.

Jeff: Good night, Fandom! Don't let the art movers get you!

Turtle: Or the sheep!

*click!*

Turtle: Guess what, Fandom! Today's the best day ever! Today's my birthday! It's Willow's birthday, too, so that helps as well. Yay! Birthday!

Jeff: I'm not certain you should've put that chocolate egg on your sandwich, Turtle. It seems like it's... ... expanding.

Turtle:...what is? My birthday? I could be okay with my birthday expanding!

Jeff: Well, you wouldn't want to wind up space jelly.

Turtle: ...true. Especially not on my birthday! I'm sixteen now; that's practically an adult.

Jeff: Exactly! And then we'd have to stop you from rampaging through the town and I don't really want to do that 'cos, you're my girlfriend. Even if you do turn into space jelly.

Turtle: ...Awwwww.

( Birthday News! )

Turtle: Well, ooh~la~la. And that's the end of the notes, which means we're at the end of the best day of the year. It's rather sad, really...

Jeff: There's always another year? And we can jump on the bed a bit more when we go back!

Turtle: Excellent.

Turtle: *spoken very quietly* Good evening, Fandom. You're listening to WTFH radio, brought to you tonight, as always on Mondays these days, by me, Turtle Wexler, and my boyfriend-slash-cohost Jeff Murdock. If you're wondering why I'm speaking so quietly, it's because I want you to listen very, very carefully, for just a moment. Do you hear that sound? *long pause* Do you know what that sound is? That sound is the majestic call of the great Canadian moose, Alces alces. Isn't it beautiful? Do you know why I'm making you listen to a moose right now?

*longer pause*

Turtle: *much louder* BECAUSE THEY'RE FREAKING EVERYWHERE! We're broadcasting right now from a transistor radio. In freaking Canada.

Jeff: Turtle? I think the squirrels came here on mooseback.

Turtle: That would explain why we have notes even though we're in freaking Canada. Very resourceful, those squirrels. Who now kind of have a delicate aroma to them, a soft, gentle mix of bacon and maple syrup....

Jeff: I'm still quite fond of the bacon tea, but you really shouldn't have added the syrup. I think that put it a bit over the top.

Turtle: Don't even get me started on the bacon tea. Let's just start the notes; the mooses are giving suspicious looks at them, and I fear that they'll start eating them before we can read them.

( Blatantly Stereotypical Canadian Radio, EH? )

*incredible amounts of noise*

Jeff: ...Turtle? I think one of the mooses just toppled! Kick it! Quickly! Kick it!

Turtle: Wait, wha-- *slight sound of flailing panic and then the dull sound of what might be a kick* ...ow.

Jeff: ...We need a nurse!

Turtle: No, we don't. That just...it didn't even move! Did you see that? These mooses are tou-- *another sound of kicking* Ha! That one got a twitch, I think. I think...uh-oh. I think we better go back to the tent, Jeff. Like....now.

*static... click... silence*

[[ no mooses were harmed in the making of this radio. ]]

Jeff: Hello everyone. It's radio day! And I'm here!

Turtle: And, so am I! Although, unlike my hapless cohost and boyfriend, that's quite the norm, isn't it?

Jeff: I really enjoy being here. Vastly. For one thing, there's no chocolate, and Karal isn't yelling at me.

Turtle: ...now would be a bad time to mention that I brought some of the candies I pick up at the store earlier, then, wouldn't it?

Jeff: ...Candies? I don't think I can look at candies again, Turtle, all I can hear is the bleating.

Turtle: Uh-huh. Chocolates. 'Cause we've got lots at the store. At very reasonable prices, for all your Valentine's Day needs.

Jeff: ...those poor sheep...

Turtle: ......What do shee-- Uhhh, never mind. Let's just get to the news, shall we?

( Within Which There Be News! Or, at the very least, petty gossip )

Turtle: And that's that! Notes are done! That broadcast was shockingly pretty light on the brain breaky and the flailing. I'm pretty impressed.

Jeff: I'm still a bit worried about the sheep.

Turtle: I'm just trying to forget that the sheep ever happened. G'nite, Fandom!

Jeff: Hello, Fandom! My girlfriend was a lesbian for a day!

Turtle: No, she wasn't.

Jeff: You kissed Hoshi.

Turtle: Hoshi kissed me. I don't kiss anyone except you, and I am not a lesbian; we proved this earlier, remember?

Jeff: Well, you're not a lesbian now...

Turtle: Nor was I ever. Can we please stop talking about my nonexistant lesbianism and get to our jobs here, Jeff?

( The following broadcast contains a 0.0% chance of girlkissy. )

Turtle: And that, ladies and gentlemen, concludes today's broadcast notes. Thank you for listening, and, for the record, I am still not a lesbian.

Jeff: *snickering* She really isn't!

Turtle: *practically audible blushing* Oh, shut up, you.

*click*

Jeff: Hello everybody! It's Radio Try-Out time again! Which is really a lot like ordinary radio if you think about it, except with far more ludicrous pressure to be something worthy of a radio broadcaster, which means it's really not quite like ordinary radio at all, and oh my god, what if I end up naked on the air and everyone who's paying attention 'cos they need to pick radio broadcasters will think about it--

Turtle: I knew I shouldn't let you start us out! No one would know if you were naked on air because they can't see you, Jeff. But, to be on the safe side, we're not going to mention 'naked' anymore throughout the entire broadcast, right? Because we really don't need that ruining our continued streak of glory.

Jeff: But that's the issue! They could be able to hear me! Rustling about!

Turtle: *very pointedly rustling papers* There. Rustling papers. Now they won't be able to hear other rustling; not that it matters because you're not naked, anyway.

Jeff: But the potential is there!

Turtle: ....ugh, let's just read the notes? Please?

( Turtle and Jeff radio :: Not for the weak at heart )

Turtle: And that's all the notes we have for tonight, Fandom! Remember, a vote for Turtle and Jeff is a vote for the good of all! Err, well...sort of.

Jeff: Well, you're really excellent, so really it's not just a vote for good, it's a vote for excellence.

Turtle: You heard the man, folks. A vote for Turtle.....and Jeff...is a vote for excellence! Good night, and have a prosperous day!

Jeff: Hello everyone! We have radio again! 'Cos it's Tuesday. I mean, Monday. We used to have radio on Tuesday but then it got moved 'cos the blonde squirrel is a little odd upstairs and it made Turtle a bit paranoid. But now it's Monday and it's our radio!

Turtle: I was not paranoid! I'm not threatened by some blonde squirrel, thank you very much. But I did have very big issues with her reporting integrity!

Jeff: You were paranoid. I know paranoia, Turtle. She kept looking at us oddly!

Turtle: Oh, just read the notes. I'm not paranoid.

( Not Paranoid Radio. Really. )

Turtle: I'M NOT PARANOID, really, but it's kind of hard when crap like this goes on!

Jeff: Who cares about the clinic? Jamie, Again is out there, terrorising us with warm Squishies. Action should be taken.

Turtle: ....like what? Do you even know how many there are?

Jeff: Many, I imagine. We'll have to consider a barricade. Perhaps Sokka could bring meat.

Turtle: Hello, fellow Fandomites! It's Monday, the new best day of the week, and it's time for Turtle/Jeff Radio, yaaaaaaay!

Jeff: It's funny how best days shift around like that, is there some sort of schedule?

Turtle: Um, no, which is weird, because usually I do keep a pretty tight schedule.

Jeff: I just wouldn't want to get caught off-guard by a shift in bestness.

Turtle: See, that's why you should stick with me, Jeff, then you'll never have to worry about it, because I'm always the best.

( Wherein Turtle makes a mistake by letting Jeff read the notes first )

*minor silence*

Jeff: ... ...Turtle? Is something wrong?

Turtle: ....Do you think, maybe, next Monday, any one would mind if we just skipped all the school stuff? Seriously? I think it might be better for everyone that way.

Jeff: ...But what if there's an oral?

Turtle: That's what I'm worried about.

Jeff: Even this radio station's still the same! This is really weird, Turtle!

T.R.: Well, it's kind of complicated, Murdock. See, while some of us...most of us, have aged twenty years and think we're ba-- Oh, never mind. I've probably already confused you, haven't I?

Jeff: To be fair, I think I was already sort of confused before I got here.

T.R.: A-yup. But, anyway, it's Monday, and we're here to do radio on Monday like we always have. Except for when we did it on Tuesdays. And, before that, just me, on Wednesdays, but it's kind of hard to imagine a point in time where Murdock technically didn't exist in the world scope. Think on that one.

( Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese. )

T.R.: Places to be? Like where?

Jeff: Haven't got the time to explain! I have to catch Peter's closet before he leaves! And bring flowers! And a stereo! And... things!

T.R.: Peter's clos-- Oh! The Susan thing?

Jeff: Yes! The Susan thing! *sounds of scrambling* I've got to move! There may still be time! She may still be less emotional!

T.R.: Yes! I do believe you have a......oh, at least a half hour period of time to catch her before another emotional swell (although after what you did to her, the emotional scarring will always be there...); go! Quick! Or you'll be too late! Go, go, go!

Jeff: I didn't do anything! It was all Steve's fault! She's not actually an emotional lesbian cow! Which I told her quite-- *door slamming*

T.R.: *pleased sigh* God, that never gets old. G'nite, Fandom! And have a prosperous twenty more years.

*click*

Jeff: So, Turtle, what would you like first? I've got the fruit basket here, but I'm not entirely certain if you're allergic to any of them, so perhaps not. And then there's the, er, CDs, and this thing I got off the internet - I love the internet, it's just so useful, isn't it?

Turtle: Jeff...what is all this stuff?

Jeff: Gifts! You know, for you. 'Cos I was an idiot and everything.

Turtle: ...That's a lot of gifts, Jeff.

Jeff: Well, I felt I had to do it properly, you know. Wouldn't want to be caught, er, undergifting.

Turtle: Definitely no threat of that here...Wow. I, uh...And all this is because of last week?

Jeff: Last week was really horrible. This week has gifts! I prefer this week.

Turtle: It's a step up, yes. Think you can keep it going better through the notes?

Jeff: Notes! Right. Let's get those notes coming. Journalism! We're really good at journalism.

( Journalism and How to be Really Good at it )

Turtle: And that, my friends, is all she wrote. Which just leaves me wondering how we're going to get all this stuff out of this studio...

Jeff: I got Nana to carry some of it on the way in. Say hello to the people of Fandom, Nana!

*momentary silence, then a truly horrible noise that sounds like a microphone getting bodychecked by a large dog*

Turtle: Jeff, are you sure you're going to be okay to do this tonight?

Jeff: I'm fine! Why wouldn't I be fine? It's not as if the apocalypse is knocking on my doorstep!

Turtle: You're right! It's not! Not for another few days now, so just buck up and make the most of the few remaining days you have left! We have a job to do here.

Jeff: Everything will be fine. Everything will be fine. Oh god, Turtle!

Turtle: That's right. Everything will be fine, Jeff. Deeeeeeep. Breaaaaaaths. Let's get to the news, yeah?

( Mum is NOT the word, OMG )

Turtle: Looks like we've reached the end of the notes. We can go back to the dorms, now, assuming Jeff is okay with me using the stairs...

Jeff: Well obviously my mother isn't here yet! ... I hope.

Jeff: Hello everyone! This is Scary Jeff Murdock and Turtle Wexler on the radio and everything, I hope you've all had a good day and voted for Turtle and everything! Unless you weren't a sophomore, then you could vote for Turtle but I doubt it would've made much of a difference. Still, we value your patronage!

Turtle: *with a whimper* I hate waiting. Waiting is awful. Why do they make you wait? Um, thank you everyone who did vote for me, I really appreciate it! Every vote counts....Why do they make you wait, oh man, oh man, oh man....Breathe, Wexler, breathe. Deep breaths. Oh God....

Jeff: Turtle, it'll be okay, you're an excellent candidate, I bet they all voted for you and we've got to do radio!

Turtle: *deep breath* Right. Radio. Radio's important. You get voted into radio. We got voted into radio, so there's no reason why...Oh, God! What if I used up my getting voted into stuff....STUFF?

( One Anxious Turtle + Alcohol = Role Reversal )

Turtle: ...the rum is gone. Why is the rum gone?

Jeff: 'Cos you've had a quarter of a bottle and you're going to pass out and then the radio squirrels will draw things on your face and I like your face the way it is, there's a lot of it and it should go undrawn on.

Turtle: Nuh-uh! I had lots more than a quarter, Jeff! Like....two eighteenths more than a quarter, and that's a lot!

Jeff: We need to get you home now, this entire station smells of rum, you might absorb more and implode and I don't want you to implode, Turtle, you've got far too many eyes and faces and everything, let's go!

Turtle: But we have nore mo-- Wait. No we don't. They're gone, too. Awww....Jeff?

Jeff: ...Don't slap me.

Turtle: I wasn't going to! I'd never! I just...had a question.

Jeff: ...What?

Turtle: Help me back--- Oof. Ow. Cra--

*CLICK*