Fandom Radio :: Tuesday, September 18.

[stocksgrrl.livejournal.com]

Turtle: Goooooooood eeeeevening, Fandom! Now, don't get all excited and start checking your calenders! It is, indeed, Tuesday, not Wednesday. You see, the only thing certain in this world is death, taxes, and change, and, well, this is one of the last one. And maybe a little of the first if you're not careful. I'm on a new day, you see, which, while not quite as allitrative, is still better because you very clever listeners knew what you were doing and voted Wexler/Murdock 2007, so I'm here with Jeff, and will be every Tuesday! Yay! We need a title for the broadcast, Jeff...

Jeff: Well, I did think of something but I'm not absolutely certain it would be okay for broadcast. See I was watching this movie this evening and then this woman took her--

Turtle: Ohhhkay, maybe we'll just save the super cool title for next week when we've had some time to think about it. And not be influenced by things that are possibly not okay for broadcast.

Jeff: ...Okay. Er. John Crichton said to bring rum? So we did. You know, just to be entirely safe, apparently it's very good for squirrel safety, better than a net even, I was suggesting a net earlier...

Turtle: Uh-huh, and then we'd have a bunch of squirrels in a net, and that just made me think of a certain blonde girl currently on crutches right now, and right then, I know it wouldn't work, s0, yeah, the rum is the way to go. Especially since I know I won't drink any of it because it's gross. Almost as gross as coffee. Almost. Anyway. News? News. The squirrels are getting rowdy.



HOORAY AND UP SCHOOL RISES

Jeff: It's a new day of classes! US Government is today apparently, there were notes and grievances - I've got loads of grievances! Or I had them but then I formed a union and now everything's really really nice. Lana talks to professor Lyman, hi Lana, we haven't met yet but hi anyway! Sorry, it's very hard to pull out during a hi, you've got this h-noise to worry about-- Oh, you're the TA! H-- hippocampus, TA Lana!

Turtle: I don't know what you just called Lana, but I don't think Jim would appreciate you calling her that, Jeff.

Jeff: There's 15 Ways class also and this squirrel's written down 'WTF' but I'm not entirely certain what that means. Have you been drinking?

*chittering*

Oh, right! We did bring the rum in, I'm awfully sorry, it's just my memory is sort of like a goldfish in a sieve. People talked about this WTF thing and tied their legs together. Legs are tricky things, I hope nobody lost one, there's no such thing as too many legs but too few is right out. They surfed the chocolate river on graham crackers and marshmallows. Were they good marshmallows? I've only had a few since I came here, I'm not entirely certain I'm equipped to judge, especially not from this distance. There were puppies and something called Kool-Aid and that must've been really terrifying, puppies are very drooly. There were TAs and a teacher talking to mister Deadpool about... his hotness? Squirrels, we might want to get you some low-alcohol rum next time--

Nevermind. Just... please leave the nuts? I don't want to get hit by nuts, it'd be very embarrassing all around, you just can't go around telling people you've been hit by nuts.

Turtle: BLARG...I think that whole bit about that class did irreparable damage to my brain...

Jeff:...Shop Class is in too! There were leaky faucets -- is that a euphemism? And garbage disposals. Those are really tricky, I really really hope no one was in any way seriously injured, you just can't predict these things.

Turtle: Mister Taylor was around if anyone needed him, which they didn't, and so was Naomi because she's the TA, but no one needed her either. Guess no one's hands got stuck in the disposals after all. Shame.

Jeff: Don't taunt the disposals!

Turtle: Sorry! But, I mean, Mad Science was probably woefully bereft of limb loss, but they did talk about lah-bor-atories and what makes a good one. Coffee maker was on the list. Coffee is important for success over all, which makes me wonder why it's so ucky. Everyone listened to the lecture like good little mad scientists, and then they got to build their dream lab. I already have one; anyone ever wonder why no one else is allowed in the back room at Turtle & Canary? Mwa ha ha. Cher glared at Professor Tomoe and Kabuto was there being TA. Like you do.

Jeff: ...I don't.

Turtle: ...Actually, you know, neither do I, now that you mention it. Huh. Anyway, in Prohpecy in Theory and Practice, Mister Aziraphale talked about fortune tellers and prophecy stuff as they appear in popular culture. Everyone listened to the lecture, and, boy, all you people are too well behaved in class. They even turned in homework and did an exercise in chiro...chie...chiero...Jeff, do you have any idea what this word is? Mister Aziraphale's, like, British or something, so maybe you'd recognize it?

Jeff: It sounds like the sort of thing my mother would never let me get anywhere near, she'd just come at me with a statue screaming about distance infringements.

Turtle: Anyway, Annette and Anathema paired up because fate brought their alliterative names together, so did Lana and Chris and Savannah and Eve. Chris and Andrew....isn't he that weird bloke, Jeff?...talked about Chris' dim future and its lack of the female persuasion. No one talked to Mister Aziraphale, though. I will! Hi, Mister Aziraphale!

Jeff: Don't you go near Andrew. He's dangerous and scary and he may just be an evil alien come to blow us all to pieces like in that movie!

Turtle: Jeff, if he was an evil alien come to blow us all to pieces like in that movie, doesn't you think he'd have already done it?

Jeff: He's plotting! I can hear him plotting.

Turtle: Good; if you can hear him, then you'll be good and prepared, right? Mister Skywalker had office hours and Mister Squall stalked in his doorway. Or whatever. He also got a subscription to Jedi Monthly. Well, a note, any way. Maybe a flier for cool light sword repair. Miss Kerrigan has her office hours, too. River chats with her a little, and then appears to just stand there, too. And then Mister Squall lurks more for Miss Kerrigan, too. Or whatever. Must be a new trend? Mister Deadpool, I'll stop by tomorrow and just stand in your office, okay?

Mister French Name was in his office, too, and guess who lurked. Go on, guess!

Jeff: Squall?

Turtle: Awww, see? That's why I like you so much, Jeff; you're so smart.

Jeff: Oh, Constable Fraser just discovered tetris! I love tetris, it's simple, it's just putting things in places. There's more office hours from Doctor Wilson and some bloke called Aziraphale -- must be hard having a name like that, I imagine school wasn't that easy, there must've been lots of rhymes and otters. Squall lurks in the doorway more, is that a normal thing? Is this some sort of Fandom custom I've yet to hear of because I really don't want to be carted off by drunken squirrels and they're really really drunk tonight - although not throwing things, thank you John Crichton!

Turtle: *whispers* Don't worry, Jeff. If any drunken squirrels try to cart you off, I'll kick them in their little drunk squirrel shins.

Jeff: You are the best girlfriend ever. He's also got office hours, it must get tiring lurking all the time, I imagine it takes a lot out of you. Oh, and Barney's hungover! My mother always used to dunk me in the-- well, let's not talk about that, when I was hungover, I think I can still smell the eggs sometimes. Can you smell the eggs?

Turtle: ...... how often were you known to get hangovers, Jeff?

Jeff: I don't want to talk about it. Sometimes things just happen to... er, spin you into a state of accidental inebriation.

Turtle:...Oddly enough, I find this explanation acceptable. Anemone and that Gulliver thing hang out in the library and Chef serves up some seled and suoop in the cafeteria, but no one bites.

DORMS

Jeff: Wyatt rearranged Anders' sock drawer today! Are you certain you were entirely safe with that? Socks are very dangerous, you never know when you're going to encounter some sort of nudity situation and there's not always going to be someone ready with fur, you know. Annette stares into space while listening to music and that sounds oddly familiar, I just don't know from what, but I hope she didn't trip or anything.

Turtle: I'm just surprised she wasn't sleeping.

Jeff: And Rikku's a pimp with her ho. It's nice to see women moving up in the world, there's lots of job opportunities like that that could really use more women.

Turtle: Somewhere, I have a feeling Mister Deadpool is very proud of you for that comment, Jeff. Molly's in the garage, practicing excellent motor-vehicle habits by checking her swoop bike before riding it. Cassandra stops by to meet Molly, her swoop bike, and a marching band made of lemurs....Okay, that last bit had to be rum-inspired. Although, this is Fandom, so maybe not? Either way, Cassandra got a swoopbike ride out of the whole deal, so go her. Also, Jaina is working out in the salle with those super cool light swordy things.

Meg is chilling out in the Second Floor Common Room. That's my common room! And she's eating cereal! That's how I chill! Man, I should meet Meg. Cassandra stopped by there, too, and talked with Meg about how to keep from getting tired. Always have something to do. That's how I do it. Hermione is happy to see Cassandra and they do the whole chatting about classes thing that's so popular these days. And then Hermione tried to push the Discovery Channel on Meg, which just makes me wonder: Hermione? How much are they paying you? And, if they're not, sweetie? They should be, so you should keep that in mind next time you give away free advertising like that.

Jeff: Nevermind that. Turtle! You gave Jamie all the new red? He's made a Slip'n'Slide -- what's a Slip'n'Slide? Is that what it sounds like? Why wasn't I on the third floor tonight? I thought I had a radar for these things! What's happened to my radar?

Turtle: I didn't give it to him, Jeff. I sold it to him, as a paying customer, and he still hasn't gotten all of it. That, however, Mister Madrox, has got to be the best usage of Squishy I have ever heard of. But, no, Jeff, I do not think it's what you think it is, oh God. Oh, God, no. At least....oh man. I really, really hope it isn't, in which case, Jamie, I retract my previous comment. Especially since John of the Sheppard Variety is, quote, 'joining in on the fun.' But since Kabuto and Hoshi don't get it, so maybe they should be in Miss Lulu's class? Naminé, too, since she's asking about technique.

...and now, I need a shower. Ugh.

Jeff: Be careful about those tricky undersides.

TOWN IS EARLY IN THE ZOONING

Jeff: Someone who's not Johnny the Harlot's opening the Photo Hut! Or opened. I'm still getting the hang of this past tense thing, it's a little tricky, I don't want to get caught. I was watching this movie at the Arms and I'm certain there was far more nudity in it the last time I saw it-- Turtle? Why is there a really precocious-looking squirrel in a blonde wig telling me there were mad penguins? I think I would've remembered if there were mad penguins, unless I passed out. Did I pass out? Nobody drew whiskers on my face, did they?!

Oh god, I bet I have whiskers, this is just perfect, it's my first regular radio night and I've got whiskers! I don't know what's going to happen!

Turtle: No, Jeff, you have no whiskers, but maybe you just didn't notice the penguins because of the *ahem* nudey movie you were watching, Jeff. Did you think about that?

Jeff: I tried, but sometimes you just can't, there was too much naked. The squirrel disapproves of Blackheart being at Pixie Dust but I'm not certain why, is this like the penguins again?

Turtle: If it is, it's because Blackheart was watching nudey movies, too. Tsk.

Jeff: Apparently Rikku's there as a pimp to buy her ho something pretty, I think I saw a movie like that, it was on the telly this morning.

Turtle: More nudey movies? Geeeeeeeeez.

Jeff: Liz is at the Post Office and things were finally back to normal as there was only Turtle and some attack giraffes staffing Turtle & Canary today.

Turtle: There were no attack giraffes! I would remember attack giraffes!

Jeff: ...Were you watching nudey movies? ...Were there naked women in them?

Turtle: I was not watching nudey movies! And there were no attack giraffes! Or naked women!

Jeff: But everyone else didn't see animals running by and you said it was because of the nudey movies! I wouldn't be cross if you did, you know.

Turtle: ..... There. Were. No. Giraffes. News. Read. NOW.

Jeff: Jamie Madrox stopped by for something called Grape Judas, is that a little like the bad red? It sounds a little like the bad red, I don't like grapes, they're far too round, they get stuck in places. Marco is a giraffe sympathizer at there, I'm really sympathetic, Turtle, you never know what those giraffes are getting up to. I went to the zoo this one time-- well, let's not talk about that.

Turtle: THERE WERE NO GIRAFFES! This is the rum talking!

Jeff: But I gave all of it to the squirrels? Chad's hiding from the bears at Groovy Tunes. The trick is to not do anything, Chad! You'll be fine as long as you're just being yourself, bears would probably enjoy that, they can come round to tea. Katara comes by and tells him about the gazelles, and was there a wildlife exhibit in Fandom today? Must be hard for the squirrels, getting near such a fire hazard, no wonder the blonde one's been drinking this much, must be terrified out of her wits. I imagine gazelles don't make for good conversation.

Dick opened up Caritas today! Good man! The harlot gets drunk after a fight? Really? I always thought that worked the other way around... There's someone there and the squirrels refer to him as being a 'hot guy' 'who is totally not' Mr. Deadpool which I find is an interesting way of describing things, it does leave a lot to the imagination. There's chatting about dead fish with Constable Fraser, I wonder if this has anything to do with the gazelles? Perhaps he could give them pointers.

Dick tells Michael not to get the girly drink and I repeat: good man! I should come round on a Tuesday again. Ronan talks to him and the harlot and people talk to the harlot? Well, Ronan wises up and talks to the female pimp and her woman, which, again, I am so for! You have absolutely no idea how for that I am. She grabbed her woman's bottom on the way in and everything! It's better than those late movies my mother never let me watch 'cos they'd give me ideas. There's fingerwiggling at mister Deadpool too but really aren't there better things to do than fingerwiggling? You could grab more bottoms.

Turtle:...You're not allowed to report on Caritas anymore. In less pervy things, or, at least, good Lord, I hope less pervy things, A.J. was at Chilly Boulder today, waiting for Beauty until flying lemurs came in and ate his....no, they didn't! No more rum for that squirrel, holy crap. Anyway, Beauty shows up and gets monkey butt ice cream. I don't think she actually did, because you can't trust anything this squirrel says. She and A.J. talked about the conveniences that come with modern America. Like being able to give radio squirrels too much rum. But, before Beauty came Annette, still on her crutches...HA! My handiwork right there! A.J. gets all weird and ohmigawd about her on crutches and thinks, like, Dick did it. Please. Patent Turtle Wexler Limp right there, ladies and gents.

Jeff: You should trademark that.

Turtle: Should? Jeff, I already have. This next note is almost too disturbing to report on. Pimp!Rikku, Drag!Jude, and sugar of the not ice cream variety. That's all I'm going to say. Jeez, you two are weird.

Jeff: She came by tonight, you know. I think it's really admirable what she's doing, a real step ahead for womankind. I should phone her now and tell her about that.

Turtle: But we're in the middle of a broadcast, Jeff...and you hate phones.

Jeff: Some things are more important than phones, Turtle.

*sounds of dialing*

Rikku: Yes? Hello?!

Jeff: Thanks.

Rikku: ... Is the hotel on fire?

Jeff: Are you naked?

Turtle: JEFF!

Rikku: Do not call back unless the hotel is on fire! *CLICK*

Jeff: Oh... ...I will treasure this phone call forever.

Turtle: I...I just...That wasn't a very long phone call, Jeff. I bet that means she is naked....

Jeff: I know!

Turtle: *sigh* Anyway, in non-naked news, or, geez oh man, I hope so because there's way too much naked in this entire broadcast, Bluth's Original Frozen Banana Stand is open, and if you haven't checked it out, what are you waiting for? You know their bananas are good because they come from Turtle & Canary! Even crazy people like Rikku and Jude recognize excellent frozen bananas when they see them. Or, at least, we can assume that Jude can see in that wig he'd reportedly in. And now I just wonder if Rikku borrowed the hat from Sokka...and that she's probably not wearing it now because of the confirmation that she's naked right now.

Jeff: I will never wash this phone again.

Turtle: *slight whine* Je~efffff!

Jeff: Well, it's not like I could phone you to ask if you were naked, you're right here so I can tell.

Turtle: ....Okay, point. But maybe you should, at another point in time, because calling me and asking me at least makes more sense than calling someone else's girlfriend and doing it.

Jeff: You want me to phone you when you're naked? I can do that. I would love to do that. That would be really excellent with me.

Turtle: But we still have news. Or something the drunk squirrels call news, because all it is is that Mister Giles opened the Magic Box and Anathema came in, and it was all very exciting, without lemurs or penguins or Rikku pimps. The Only Creepy Weird Mask Guy left in my life these days won't leave Naminé alone at Cafe Fina, Mister Leo is hanging out at the park, and Mister Yitzihaksiwhutshisface is worried about a paper monster at Luke's Diner. I think that, instead, he should worry about more about crossdressing skaters and their pimps. Although Mister I'm-not-even-going-to-try-to-say-it-again approves of Judy's new look. Adam is working at Wonders of the World and Eve stops in to try to get him to eat an apple. DON'T DO IT, ADAM.

No, that won't get old.

For the clinic shifts today, we've got Doctor Troy and Doctor Keyworth are there during the day and Wyatt in the evening. Troy, the one that's not the aforementioned doctor which is just confusing if you think about it, is there for something, but I don't think it's for an injury or anything.

Jeff: You don't know. Might be mental. Mental whiplash is really hard to get rid of.




Turtle: And, finally, we have reached the end.

Jeff: We should go now. I've got some phoning to do.

Turtle: Who else would you possibly have to, ugh, phone right now?

Jeff: Well, you, obviously.

Turtle: *really long pause*

....Right. G'nite, Fandom!

*click*

[[ special thanks to the_merriest for the cameo! Much appreciated, as we know that it's hard out there for a pimp. also? we're, um, sorry? Kind of? ]]