WTFH

Jack: Good Morning Fandom! Hopefully you weren't up too late enjoying the dance.

Columbus: Dance?

Jack: Homecoming.

Columbus: That was last night?

Jack: Let me guess. World of Warcraft?

Columbus: It was a very important mission! Did you go?

Jack: Nah. World series was last night.

Columbus: Oh. Hey Where's Madrox?

Jack: Who cares?

( News! Of the Homecoming variety! )

Jack: Good Morning Fandom! I'm Jack Carter.

Columbus: And I'm Columbus Ohio for your morning news.

Jack: You might be asking where Jamie Madrox is. Well the explanation is simple.

Columbus: We locked him out of the studio.

Jack: It just seemed easier that way.

Jamie: But it didn't really work.

Jack: Crap.

Columbus: How did you get in here?

Jamie: Created a dupe on the other side of the door and had him unlock it. I had to spend ten minutes debating with him about the meaning of life but he eventually came around.

Jack: See, it's moments like this I really wish I could smack you.

Jamie: That would just make more of me.

Jack: You see my dilemma.

Columbus: Would now be a good time to remind you all if we don't start reading the news the squirrels will start throwing acorns?

Jack: Fine. Let's get this over with.

( News! )

Jack: Good morning folks! I'm Jack Carter.

Columbus: And I'm Columbus Ohio.

Jamie: And I'm Jamie Madrox.

Jack: Technically he's not on the news team but he keeps showing up week after week anyway.

Jamie: You like me. Don't deny it.

Jack: Oh. No. I really don't like you.

Columbus: I think you're nice but I'd really prefer if you didn't show up every week.

Jamie: Yeah, that's not going to happen.

Jack: *sigh* Yeah, there's no way I would be that lucky.

( News! )

Jack: Hello and Good Morning Fandom. I'm Jack Carter...

Columbus: And I'm Columbus Ohio. This is the morning news and-

*Door slam*

Jamie: SQUIRRELS!

Jack: Who the hell is that?

Jamie: I'm back squirrels! Did you miss me?

*THWOCKTHWOCKTHWOCKTHWOCKTHWOCKTHWOCKTHWOCK*

Columbus: Judging by that reaction... I'd say no.

Jamie: Aww. They're just playing with me. Right guys?

Jack: Okay. I've never seen a squirrel snarl before.

Columbus: That was actually creepy.

Jamie: So what are you guys doing?

Jack: Well. We we're sitting here. In a news studio. With a bunch of notes to read-

Jamie: Ooo! Can I help?

Columbus: I don't see why not.

Jack: Oh, this won't end well.

( No. It probably won't. )

Jack: Good Morning Fandom! This is Jack Carter.

Columbus: And I'm Columbus Ohio. And this is the eyewitness morning news report.

Jack: Technically we really didn't witness any of these events.

Columbus: No, but the squirrels did.

Jack: Of course they did. With their beady little eyes.

Columbus: Maybe we should call it the beady eyewitness news.

Jack: I'm thinking we should just call it the news and get on with it.

( News! )

Columbus: Good morning Fandom! It's a beautiful crisp clear day in Fandom! It's days like these that make you feel alive.

Jack: Or just freaking cold.

Columbus: Well maybe if you wore a sweater with sleeves...

Jack: Shut up and read the news.

( And so they do... )

Jack: Hello Fandom! This is Jack Carter and I'm no longer a dog.

Columbus: Wait. That was you last week?

Jack: This is my co-host, Columbus Ohio who is completely clueless.

Columbus: I wouldn't say clueless.

Jack: Right. Dogs just randomly show up for news broadcasts.

Columbus: And squirrels write our news.

Jack: Good point. News?

Columbus: News.

( NEWS! )

Jack: Good morning kids! Jack Carter along with the not-a-city person known as Columbus Ohio.

Columbus: Should you really be addressing people as kids?

Jack: Is there a problem with me addressing people as kids?

Columbus: Well, see you are a kid.

Jack: Well, so are you.

Columbus: Actually I'm a teacher.

Jack: No! Really?

Columbus: You haven't heard of How to survive a Zombie apocalypse?

Jack: I know enough not to take the class. How old are you? Sixteen?

Columbus: *sighs* Maybe we should just read the news.

Jack: Seventeen?

( He's in his twenties but let's not dwell on that... )

Jack: Good Morning Fandom! I'm Jack Carter.

Columbus: And I'm Columbus Ohio. The person. Not the city.

Jack: Really. You think people might get confused?

Columbus: The other weekend didn't you turn into somebody?

Jack: Uh. Yeah. A guy with a mullet.

Columbus: I'm taking nothing for granted.

Jack: And... I'm just going to read the news.

( Thank God. )

Jack Carter: Okay. So my roommate wasn't lying. Squirrels with pencils. With no opposable thumbs.

*Chittering*

Jack: You guys weren't some kind of weird experiment by a really weird guy from Australia, were you?

*Chittering*

Jack: And why would I think I could understand anything you were saying?

Columbus: Maybe it's the little notes they're waving around.

Jack: And you are?

Columbus: Columbus Ohio.

Jack: Seriously? That's your name?

Columbus: It is now.

Jack: That's... kind of weird. How did you get in here anyway?

Columbus: Uh. I had to use the restroom. I have irritable bowel s-

Jack: I really don't want to hear... any of that.

Columbus: Hey, you want to read these notes together as long as we're on the air?

Jack: Sure! Let's hang out in a room with a bunch of squirrels, a large supply of rum with very little ventilation. That's my idea of fun!

( Rule #44: Don't talk about Irritable Bowel Syndrome on the Air )