Fandom Radio, Sunday, September 11th

[exactlyaverage.livejournal.com]

Jack: Good Morning Fandom! This is Jack Carter.

Columbus: And this is Columbus Ohio.

Jack: And all of you are butt-ass crazy this weekend, aren't you?

Columbus: I don't think that term is approved by the FCC.

Jack: Well it's better than bat-[BLEEP] crazy.

Columbus: I just think that- Okay why is there suddenly saxophone music playing?

Jack: And it just started raining.

Jamie: Gentlemen. I assume you know why I'm here.

Columbus: To annoy us throughout the broadcast?

Jamie: I'm here to find the man who killed my brother. Kaiser Sushi.

Jack: Of course you are.

School

Jack: Starting off the nuttiness was the library where someone woke up with amnesia and Oz was shocked by an e-mail. As you do.

Jamie: THE HORROR!

Columbus: Oh, we're just getting started.

Dorms!

Columbus: First Cara was dressed up as a queen when Nathan stopped by and was told in a unique accent that Cara didn't know any Nathans. Then someone was lurking out side Bruce's room while he was going over his finances. Quinn, who is apparently Bruce's ex-wife, came by to beg for more money for her Chinchilla farm before Bruce found a "Haunting Message" addressed to the both of them. Then in Seifer's room, Seifer woke up and donned his priest frock confusing George who thought it might be a good idea to purchase a video camera. Meanwhile Lex and Lucrezia took a nice nap. Dave then stopped by Natalie's room looking for a caffiene fix and got his "junkie ass" on his way.

Jack: Meanwhile Toby was passed out in the hallway by his room where Stan stole his shoes and the contents of his pockets and then Hank tripped over him. Later Hanna was staring out her window before she recieved some mysterious photos of herself that made her GASP. She then interrogated her roommate Rapunzel who knew nothing about Hanna's coma or said mysterious photo. And even later? Rilla found a baby on her doorstep, Elfabian cackled into a mirror and Squall learned that he's really Squallington Whitney Horace Aloysius Thaddeus Eustace Vivian Ewain Raphael Loire, crown prince of Esthar.

Jamie: I had that happen once to me.

Jack: No. No you didn't. Really.

Columbus: Over in the second floor common Sam was limping around a looking for food. Then Toby came in and complained about his lack of shoes and the curse he was living under. Juliet wanted a sandwich and informed that Sam that he was in a school and she wouldn't kill him. Natalie also informed Sam that she wouldn't going to kill him and then slapped and kissed Sam right afterwards because Sam didn't believe her.

Jack: As you do.

Columbus: Then in the afternoon Marshall was rewatching last night's game when the hardened street urchin Percy got Marshall to admit he was gay and made out with him.

Jack: As you do.

Columbus: Then Petra was down in the lobby dressed in gold lame and a cape campaigning for student council and watching the Miss Universe contest. Bruce stopped by to compliment Petra's cape and then overheard Petra's conversation with Kenzi which involved including hookers in Petra's hypothetical Sex Monkey Workshop.

Jack: Again... As you do.

Columbus: Meanwhile Tara found out she was pregnant in the second floor bathroom which she informed Kenzi that she had no boyfriend.

Jack: I feel like someone should say "DUN DUN DUUUUUUN" after that.

Jamie: Why do you mock our pain? OUR PAIN!

Jack: You should really just shut up right now.

Columbus: Then in the evening Rapunzel was in the fourth floor common room hiding because nothing made sense today.

Jack: Tell me about it.

Columbus: Chloe seemed to be normal enough as well while Elfabian seemed to be rather smarmy with Rapunzel. Then Dave showed up wanting to know why the sadness but he apparently didn't notice all the weird going on because he was too busy selling his body for coffee and getting hassled by Luke Skywalker the dastardly crooked District Attorney.

Jack: As you do.

Jamie: He really is quite dastardly.

Jack: Shut up. No. Really. Shut up.

Town

Jamie: In town the morning started off with Me receiving the terrible news that my brother was killed by the EVIL Kaiser Sushi.

JacK: Let me guess: He ate the blowfish.

Jamie: You mock my pain.

Jack: I do. I really really do.

Columbus: Can I mock too?

Jack: Go for it.

Jamie: Mock me again and you are both dead men.

JacK: I can live with that.

Columbus: Me too.

Jamie: Then my office was disturbed by that No good Hank who demanded to know who killed Polly Prissypants.

Columbus: Prissypants?

Jack: With a name like that I might just let myself be killed.

Jamie: Then on the boardwalk Billy got a phone call. Meanwhile Anakin cackled evilly in his headquarters until I showed up to demand the identity of KAISER SUSHI!. Then Squallington Whitney Horace Aloysius Thaddeus Eustace Vivian Ewain Raphael Loire showed up to offer Anakin the opportunity to swear fealty. Anakin declined.

Jack: As you do.

Jamie: Then... Underneath the surface of town, Hank's clones were formed and unleashed on the island. Right before A girl named Wrigley wandered the streets aimlessly. Another victim of amnesia. Then that poor soul Rapunzel tried to help her. Meanwhile across town, ADA Alex Cabot died in an unfortunate elevator accident while Kennedy brooded on her balcony in her super-short negligee.

Jack: As you do.

Jamie: Meanwhile at the diamond mine-

Columbus: Wait. We have a diamond mine?

Jamie: Don't all small islands have one?

Columbus: Oooookay.

Jamie: Meanwhile at the diamond mine Ben was busy brooding until Karla showed up being chased by an assassin while Vicki and her multiple personalities confused the heck out of Mitchell. Over at MCA Zayne was lounging in the with his shirt off while Topher was out in the cold streets of Fandom whoring himself. The oh so cold streets. Bond was there too. Also whoring himself.

Jack: As you do.

Jamie: Tony was upset that Topher was whoring himself out especially since Tony was his ex-lover. However Tony was getting married to Ender so he could break Ben so he wouldn't sleep with Topher. Topher then offered to sleep with Ben in order to find out how to destroy the diamond mine in order to prove his love to Tony.

Columbus: Thank God we're keeping that a secret. You know. On the radio.

Jamie: And then Kenzi beat up Topher with a bat because she was his pimp. Which was before Ben showed up dressed as a woman to hit on Topher so they could go back to the diamond mine for kinky sex.

Jack: Hopefully all of this was videotaped by George who had her camera with her.

Jamie: Then over in the park, Tyrion was hiding in a tree with a really big gun looking to hurt people. Siefer offered to help Tyrion down from a tree since he was all Priest-like. Dolf he hippie was walking through the park with his monkey before he was shot at by Tyrion. Then Tony tried to hire Tyrion with booze to take out Ben. Then that bastard Luke Skywalker came by with a bag of instructions and some coffee before Lucrezia Borgia Sforza Wayne Lannister della Rovere possibly-Luthor was shot by Tyrion for killing his cousin and stealing his sugar bowl. Dave bought some coffe from Tyrion while George videotaped Tyrion offering coffee for sex. Then that bastard shot and killed a Hank Clone and then.... NO! DAMN YOU TYRION! YOU KILLED MY DRUNK BROTHER JIMMY!

Jack: Maybe you should just go home and we'll handle the rest of the broadcast.

Jamie: This is Kaiser Sushi's doing. I know it!

Columbus: Of course it is. You just go along now. Go on.

Jack: Please.

Jamie: I'LL GET YOU KAISER! I'LL GET YOU GOOD!

[Door Slam]

JacK: Hey. The rain stopped.

Columbus: So did the Sax music.

Jack: Weird. Moving on! Stark was brooding over at his business when Jaina came by to talk about their totally secret wedding that's going on today. Oops. Blew that secret. Jack stopped by with some "Juice" for Howard and also talked about the secret wedding. Then Jake came by with some naked pictures of Jaina and Chuck which was probably very dramatic. Then Squallington Whitney Horace Aloysius Thaddeus Eustace Vivian Ewain Raphael Loire came by to spare Stark's life.

Columbus: Over at the Perk Dave was whoring himself out for cofee before Luke convinced him not to. George documented Dave's shame and Hank was there just whoring himself out for sex. Not Coffee.

Jack: Then Ben returned to Fandom on his motorcycle as he brooded on the causeway. Seifer was there to console Ben though Ben seemed to be more interested in Seifer's past which possibly included a hamster. Ew. The Guy showed up on a motorcycle because that's how he rolls.

Columbus: Bad. Bad joke.

Jack: Yes it was. Then Hermione flirted with Ben because of her love for rebels while Ender was trying on ties with Tony. Which Ben spotted. Though Ben and Tony did not spot them. Or something. Really squirrels?

Columbus: Then down at the docks Annie was being forlorn when Topher mistook her for a fellow hooker. Luke stared at her for a while before they ended up making out. Jeremy was in town looking for sushi which apparently Annie knows where to find. For the right price. Bow Chicka Wow Wow.

Jack: Why did you say that?

Columbus: It says it right here in the notes.

Jack: Oh, this is just getting more and more disturbing.

Columbus: Then Wrigley aksed Annie if she seen her before since Wrigley had amnesia.

Jack: As you do.

Columbus: Then over at J'Gob Peter had a Russian accent and was waiting for his minions. His minons turned out to be Natalie, Quinn and Kenzi who are apparently going to help overthrow the Skywalkers and the Starks and take control of the island.

Jack: Good thing it's a secret.

Columbus: Absolutely.

Jack: Meanwhile over in the graveyard Bod was having visions. Vicki showed up looking for someone named Deb while Jack was lurking in the graveyard and then tried to eat Bod. Because Jack's a vampire.

Columbus: As you do.

Jack: Meanwhile Seifer was being all priesty at the church when someone who might be Rilla left a baby on the doorstep. Jono came by to confess his sins while Squallington Whitney Horace Aloysius Thaddeus Eustace Vivian Ewain Raphael Loire came by to brag to Seifer that he was royalty. Bruce and Lucrezia stopped by for a secret wedding right before a pregnant Scully came in worried because she's not sure how she became pregnant.

Columbus: I'm pretty sure there's a book on that.

Jack: I think we can throw any kind of book on any subject out the window at this point.

Columbus: Over at Raven's Decadent Delights, Raven was eating grapes and waiting fo customers. Rapunzel wandered in and found out Raven could do magic. Then Father Maximus showed up trying to save Raven's soul. Then over at the beach Tony was cackling when Warren snuck down to arrange a murder paid with Sushi. Quinn was also there so Tony could tell her how he was going to kill Ender at his wedding so he could be with her.

Jack: Thank God that's a secret.

Columbus: I know! And then Topher showed up with the codes to blow up the diamond mine.

Jack: Not the diamond mine!

Columbus: Do we have any other kind of mine?

Jack: God, I hope not. Over at the Devil's Nest, Deb was manning the bar in a flight attendent uniform. Vicki found Deb and was happy to see her smiling face. Jan came in for a bottle of wine but got carded. Jaina showed up looking depressed even though she's about ot get married. Dave told Deb about the dwarf in the park willing to give coffee in exchange for money and nothing else remotely shady whil Eric expressed himself through dance in the VIP Section.

Columbus: Go ahead. Say it.

Jack: As you do.

Columbus: Then over in Caritas, Charles was back from the dead and not selling moonshine. Only Water.

Jack: As you do.

Columbus: Kennedy was pole dancing to the music of the Zombie Band.

Jack: As you do.

Columbus: Jaina professed her love to Chuck in spite of her impending wedding. Chuck promised he'd never leave her again.

Jack: I'm just going to give a blanket "As you do" here for the rest of the broadcast.

Columbus: Probably a good idea. The Bruce stopped in for a drink since he had a rough day and a Lucrezia was suprised to see Bruce since she had tried to poison him. Jake was surprised to see Charles since he was dead and all and Grace stopped by for some "water" and to assur Charles that she wouldn't get in trouble. Luke checked in on Grace as well before Ronan's twin sister Rhiannon stopped by for "water" and got hit on by Jack who then bit and drank all her blood. Luke also checked in on Charles to make sure he wasn't selling anything but "Water". Jack tried to get booze but Charles had to serve him blood instead while Nathan died of a tropical disease in the lounge.


Jack: And finally over at the Clinic, Hank came in with a terminal illness, Wrigley came in to find a cure for her amnesia, Bruce found out about Scully's pregnancy and Toby came in to find a cure for his blackouts and fell into a coma.

Columbus: As you do.

Jack: I already gave a blanket "As you do" for the rest of the broadcast.

Columbus: I felt that a coma deserved it's own As you do.

Jack: Oh. Well if you feel that way about it.

Columbus: I do!

Jack: Well then that's how it'll be. ust a reminder for when all you folks become sane again, this broadcast is available in podcast form and can be used for potential emotional blackmail.

Columbus: Thank you and have a good morning Fandom. Try not to die.