WTFH

Jack: Good morning Fandom! Jack Carter here along with-

SQUAWK!

Jack: A couple of penguins. Carrying a map.

Jamie: And me! Jamie Madrox.

Jack: Whom I'm blaming for all the penguins.

Jamie: Hey! Wasn't me. I just have Slim Jim eating weasels running around. No Penguins.

Jack: I... really don't want to know why you have weasels.

Jamie: Doesn't everyone?

Jack: I'm just going to read the news and pretend this conversation didn't happen.

( News )

Jack: Good morning, Fandom. Jack Carter here.

Columbus: Along with Columbus Ohio.

Jamie: And the much beloved Jamie Madrox.

...

Jamie: Why are you guys staring at me like that?

Jack: You really have a distorted vision of yourself, don't you?

Jamie: Why do you say that?

Jack: No reason. News?

( News! )

Columbus: Good morning Fandom! Columbus Ohio here along with Jack Carter for your morning news.

Jamie: I'm here too!

Jack: Yes. But you don't actually work here. You just keep showing up week after week and for some reason we let you in.

Columbus: And why are you wearing a multi-colored mowhawk?

Jamie: ... I don't want to talk about it.

Jack: Is that make up?

Jamie: Don't we have news to read?

( Short News! )

Jack: Good morning Fandom! Jack Carter here along with a friend of the family. Say hello, Henry.

Henry: Hello Henry.

Jack: You know, I expected some snappier patter from a scientist.

Henry: Well, if I find any snappy scientists, I'll send them your way.

( So exactly how many people can fit into this studio? )

[Big thanks to all the squirrels and all the work they did! You guys are the best!]

Jack: Good Morning Fandom! This is Jack Carter.

Columbus: And this is Columbus Ohio.

Jack: And all of you are butt-ass crazy this weekend, aren't you?

Columbus: I don't think that term is approved by the FCC.

Jack: Well it's better than bat-[BLEEP] crazy.

Columbus: I just think that- Okay why is there suddenly saxophone music playing?

Jack: And it just started raining.

Jamie: Gentlemen. I assume you know why I'm here.

Columbus: To annoy us throughout the broadcast?

Jamie: I'm here to find the man who killed my brother. Kaiser Sushi.

Jack: Of course you are.

( News! )

Columbus: Good Morning Fandom! This is Columbus Ohio.

Jack: And I'm Jack Carter. You're listening to WTFH where we all live by the slogan...

*paper shuffling*

Jack: "Where's me rum?"

Columbus: I think maybe next time we'll do our own intros.

Jack: I'm not the one who agreed to it.

Columbus: Well they looked so cute!

Jack: They're squirrels. Drunk squirrels.

*THWOCK!*

Jack: OW! With uncanny aim.

Columbus: Maybe we should just read the news.

Jack: Maybe I should use you as a human shield.

Columbus: That's not- OW!

Jack: I like this plan.

( NEWS! )

Good morning everyone! Jack Carter here with yesterday's news. Normally there’d be a guy with the name of a midwestern city beside me but apparently he had to deal with some “Alliance Scum”. Which might mean something to you people but I’m at a complete loss as to what he was talking about.

( Not that anyone does anyway )

Columbus: Good morning Fandom! It's a beautiful crisp clear day in Fandom! It's days like these that make you feel alive.

Jack: Or just freaking cold.

Columbus: Well maybe if you wore a sweater with sleeves...

Jack: Shut up and read the news.

( And so they do... )

Jack: Hello Fandom! This is Jack Carter and I'm no longer a dog.

Columbus: Wait. That was you last week?

Jack: This is my co-host, Columbus Ohio who is completely clueless.

Columbus: I wouldn't say clueless.

Jack: Right. Dogs just randomly show up for news broadcasts.

Columbus: And squirrels write our news.

Jack: Good point. News?

Columbus: News.

( NEWS! )

Jack: Good morning kids! Jack Carter along with the not-a-city person known as Columbus Ohio.

Columbus: Should you really be addressing people as kids?

Jack: Is there a problem with me addressing people as kids?

Columbus: Well, see you are a kid.

Jack: Well, so are you.

Columbus: Actually I'm a teacher.

Jack: No! Really?

Columbus: You haven't heard of How to survive a Zombie apocalypse?

Jack: I know enough not to take the class. How old are you? Sixteen?

Columbus: *sighs* Maybe we should just read the news.

Jack: Seventeen?

( He's in his twenties but let's not dwell on that... )

Jack: Good Morning Fandom! I'm Jack Carter.

Columbus: And I'm Columbus Ohio. The person. Not the city.

Jack: Really. You think people might get confused?

Columbus: The other weekend didn't you turn into somebody?

Jack: Uh. Yeah. A guy with a mullet.

Columbus: I'm taking nothing for granted.

Jack: And... I'm just going to read the news.

( Thank God. )

Jack Carter: Okay. So my roommate wasn't lying. Squirrels with pencils. With no opposable thumbs.

*Chittering*

Jack: You guys weren't some kind of weird experiment by a really weird guy from Australia, were you?

*Chittering*

Jack: And why would I think I could understand anything you were saying?

Columbus: Maybe it's the little notes they're waving around.

Jack: And you are?

Columbus: Columbus Ohio.

Jack: Seriously? That's your name?

Columbus: It is now.

Jack: That's... kind of weird. How did you get in here anyway?

Columbus: Uh. I had to use the restroom. I have irritable bowel s-

Jack: I really don't want to hear... any of that.

Columbus: Hey, you want to read these notes together as long as we're on the air?

Jack: Sure! Let's hang out in a room with a bunch of squirrels, a large supply of rum with very little ventilation. That's my idea of fun!

( Rule #44: Don't talk about Irritable Bowel Syndrome on the Air )