WTFH

"This would be the part where I say something witty and you laugh, though I can't hear you because this is a one-way system, and then we get on with the news. Let's pretend we did that and get started, shall we?

( The news )

"Look Fandom, let's cut to the chase here. You know and I know that this isn't really news so much as gossip. Not to knock the importance of gossip, especially in a small town like this, but every time I say 'and this is the news' I feel dirty. So tonight there is no news. There are the sordid details written down by a group of squirrels with little fedoras because they're watching now. And now that I've unnerved a good portion of Fandom's population, I'm ready to read these notes! I'm Hawkeye Pierce. You're listening to WTFH pirate radio ( and this is the gossip of the day )

"Ladies, gentlemen, squirrels. Can I interest you in some news? Don't be shy. I know you want to know all about what everyone had for lunch. A roast beef sandwich, in case anyone was wondering about me.

This is Hawkeye Pierce, you're listening to WTFH pirate radio and ( this is the news )

"You have the wrong guy! I'm the Wednesday guy. Do I look like Rose Hathaway? You shouldn't be nodding at that question. Fine. Give me the notes. And the rum. No, the rum isn't optional. I had a perfectly good night planned out before you showed up. TV reruns count as a perfectly good night. They're brand new to me.

Of course the microphone's on. Hi Fandom, Hawkeye Pierce here on WTFH pirate radio, all pirates tunes all the time. That's a lie and I don't care. I never tell a lie except for all of the occasions when I do.

( This is the news )

"No, you can't all get bandages as a show of solidarity. You'd have to hurt your tiny little paws first. That's not a challenge. Can I have the notes? Thank you.

Evening Fandomites! This is Hawkeye Pierce and you're listening to WTFH pirate radio.

( This is the news )

"Do you do room service too? I know this isn't a hotel room, but it's still a room. No room service? I'll have to settle for rum service.

Good evening, Fandom! You're listening to WTFH pirate radio, I'm your host Hawkeye Pierce and ( this is the news )

"Aha! So, Fandom, I'm told that some of you out there voted for me to have a regular night reporting the daily gossip for you. What you really voted for was for me to have a steady supply of free rum one night a week. Kudos to you, good sirs and madams!

( This is Hawkeye Pierce, you're listening to WTFH pirate radio and this is the news. )

"Ladies, gentlemen, partygoers of all ages, this is the pirate's own Fandom Radio and this is DJ Hawk on the airwaves for the last time. As soon as I hang up these headphones and put away the microphone, I'm leaving Fandom's fair shores. It's been a blast. On with the party news, but be warned, I think the squirrels have been drinking.

School: Try Not to Blow it Up

Dawn kicked Sam the Man out, Anders' ex-girlfriend wants to get back together with him and Will hates us all and went to the mainland to buy some pickles.

Mrs Poppins left and those notes are smudged by what I'm sure are squirrel tears. At least I hope they're squirrel tears. And, oh Mrs Poppins wouldn't approve of this, Wilson and Aziraphale had mad, hot, sweaty man sex. You heard it right here, kids. Then Bel showed up. I'll leave the rest to your imagination, because I'm not going there.

Nadia the lemming was chased by Cally the cat. Are you giving each other nicknames now or are there more crazy animal antics?

Town: Try not to Blow That Up Either

The clinic was overrun by ferrets wearing loincloths.

Nadia and Walter decided to be nudists down at Serenity Cove. We have a nudist beach and no one told me?

The hotel spontaneously combusted. I think they're just making stuff up now."

*squirrel chittering that may sound like laughter to other squirrels*

"And here's the news you were all waiting for. New Year's Eve parties!

Devil's Nest was the quieter of the two, but still a good place to drink if you're over 21. Wilson and Az made a deal with the devil, possibly involving a treesome - no, I really said treesome not threesome, the squirrels are playing with us, the little nuts, Schrodinger chased his own tail, Marie showed she lives under a rock, Cally invited Kaylee to join her and Mac.

I'm not touching that one.

Jamie started - and finished - a conga line. The Tick was there in his big, blue glory and the notes say a tutu, but the tutu is purple not blue, so I wouldn't believe everything you hear on the radio. Yuuko danced on the bar, The Tick was beaten by Lucifer in an arm wrestle, Al and Kaylee made out under the table and Wilson and Aziraphale performed the Nutcracker Suite to a disco beat.

And apparently Wilson danced with the devil in the pale moonlight before they rang in the New Year.

Down Caritas way was a little busier than usual. Alec and Dean turned into lemmings and talked about Seely in a dress, Sister Rosette agreed to kick her habit and marry John Connor, then they talked about Seely in a dress. GOB became a superhero and wore tights. John Connor and Billy did dirty, dirty things to each other, Sister Rosette decided to drop JC for Billy, Leo decided to buy stocks in Wal-Mart, GOB agreed to give JC free drinks and...you guessed it.

Seely was in a dress. Dawn got a piggyback from Seely in a dress, Seely challenged English to a duel to win Willow's hand, then he whispered sweet nothings to Bel, then Yitzhak, Alec and Jake.

Jake brought coffee and then talked coffee with Krycek. Billy told Dr Venture about the time a troll peed on him. Well, not really, but I thought I'd bring it up again. GOB and Venture talked about sharing a zombie hooker.

Jaye and Jake GOT THE SQUIRRELS DRUNK. This is all their fault!

Jaye gave Seely fashion tips, Jarod danced with Jaye - aww, what a cute couple - Billy said something interesting and noteworthy, GOB tried to kick Jaye out but she kicked him in the groin, Jaye and Alec swore an oath of celibacy, Maureen danced with Jarod - eh, not as cute, go back to the other one - GOB and Jarod decided to join the Extreme Makeover Home Edition team, Aeryn and John do the tango and GOB duelled with Bel.

Chad and Teddy watched the serving girls. No, I'm not making that one up. They really did. Jake showed off his new look to Anders who still isn't gay. REALLY. Speaking of which, Anders bought Billy a drink. He-lloooo. GOB became a fortune teller gypsy, Bel and Anders had more unresolved sexual tension than usual, then went outside to resolve it, then there was karaoke!

JC sang Streisand, Yitzhak sang Bon Jovi, GOB sang that Barbie Girl song, Anders sang Bette Midler and GOB sang a duet with his puppet Franklin and then they made out. Yes, he made out with a puppet.

Then they all count down to midnight.

And that, my good friends, is it. Stay safe, have a good year, be good to your teachers and each other and for the love of all things holy, try not to blow anything up. This is Hawkeye Pierce, signing off. Farewell Fandom!"

"--the hell? Aha! Is this thing on?" Clashing, banging, and clattering echoed into the microphone. "Watch where you put that thing! Men and gentleladies, this is Hawkeye. This is radio. This is a gingerbread man waving his arms at me." Silence. "Run, run as fast as you can, this is still my show, that's still my drink and this is still my chair."

THUD.

"Fine, keep the chair."

School: Only Good With There Are Brownies Involved

"I'd like you all to appreciate that I'm doing this broadcast on my knees. Well, one knee at least. I can't feel the other one. I think it's still there. Hey, Anders was sleeping in the hallway. I've slept there. It's cosy. Bel found him. Was there sex involved? No sex in the hallways without a permit! Jaye was kept awake by her music bot. I don't know what that means. Teddy slept in his own bed.

I like sleep. And cheese. And..."

The microphone picks up snoring for a few seconds.

"Ow! Bad cookie, no monkey. John and Aeryn had a serious tinsel talk, Jude and Chad had wake up pancakes. Pancakes! Run, run as fast as you can little gingerbread man and get me some pancakes." Pause. "No, waffles won't do." Pause. "I could settle for crepes. Madrox, the singular not the plural, got a phone call. Pippi and Nadia slept with...no, that sounds wrong. They were in Jamie's room. Mac distracted Cally.

Jack can't find Cedric so he goes to see Sam Carter with a pink lizard fish kiwi elephant thing. DAWN AND DEAN GIVE SAM A PUPPY AND IT IS SO CUTE OH-EM-GEE." Pause. "That's what the notes said." Pause. "Don't look at me like that. Your eyes look tasty. Jack and Izzy-Izzy-Bo-Bizzy-Fee-Fi-Fo-Fi-Fizzy Izzy came back to the dorms because they couldn't find Cedric. WHERE ARE YOU CEDRIC? Come back to us! Be roguish and charming and wear lots of yellow and black! Who else will if you won't?

Saka...Ruza...Sukaraz...her talked the twins and played game thingies. Ranma came to sell encyclopedias. Bel and Anders played cowboys and indians. Jamie was the big chief and told them about his phone call. Pee-Ay-Arr-Kay-Eee-Arr visited Izzy-Izzy-Bo-Bizzy-Fee-Fi-STOP STARING AT ME. Marty and Angela had a talk. Oooooh someone's in troooouble. Willow and English got married.

I have to pee.

Mr Gingerbread Man...yes you. Are there any other gingerbread men around? Well how would I know? That's not really my scene. Well you went to the first floor lobby and then Willow sent you to JGOB. Did you make friends? Meet a nice meringue to take out to dinner?

Nadia slept in the stairwell. Was there a slumber party I wasn't invited to? Pippi carried her back to her room.

In the fourth floor common room Jude made pancakes on a stick. Joxer tried to turn Jude into a fortune cookie. I'm not making that one up. That's what the notes say. English tried the food and had tea. Was this before or after he got married? Joxer insulted English's tea. Was there appropriate retribution? Conner ate pancakes and talked holidays, Jude threw a pancake at Shawn and talked about starting an injured band.

The roof was booming tonight with Pip playing guitar, Pip and Pippi not remembering lyrics and...stuff. What stuff? Give back those notes! Thank you. Pippi told Walter about the Teal Deer trip. Did you get into trouble again? Why do I keep asking questions that can't be answered? Did I remember to turn off the oven? Pip and Walter talked about...hahahahahaha...they talk about un-emoing the roof. Nadia told about that time she was attacked by a critter and Nadia and Pip talked about Merdebaise's evil twin.

The fifth floor common room had people. Hey, Nadia was there. Nadia's everywhere. Billy told Nadia about a tree in the lobby. What did I say about plant life in the lobby?

No really, what did I say? If you know, call me.

Everyone's annoyed at Marty. It is not a good day to be Marty Blank, if any day ever is.


Town: Where the Other Baked Goods Roam

Wilson, Daisy, Jane and Cher had breakfast together. I hope there was cheese involved. I like cheese.

Sunday Brunch was alive and well. Can a brunch be dead? I want to give the eulogy. Rosette taunted the gingerbread man." Pause. "No, you can't eat her brains. What the hell? Where are you going? Goodbye, my baked good friend! Don't eat the nun's brains!

Cedric was at the beach. Maybe a shark got him. GOB taunted the gingerbread man too at Caritas. Then there was fire juggling! GOB was showing off for Becky. You ol' dog.

The clinic was quiet for Trevor but Venture stopped by for Stark.

Billy got his leg back from Sparky's. Hikaru let the gingerbread man, I'm now calling you Gingy, stop there for a break. Wilson hung out at the Devil's Nest. The notes say he does that a lot now and that we should worry for his liver. Don't worry little squirrel woodland friend, livers are replaceable. Human ones anyway. I can't speak for gingerbread ones. But Gingy sat by Lucy. Gingy was traumatized by JGOB after that. No sweet meringue? Conner stopped at Hitsuzen. Gesundheit.

In breaking news, Gingy left Fandom. He never even said goodbye. Not that he could talk. Maybe he was a she. There weren't any visible gingerbread parts on the outside.

I'm hungry. I want pizza. Okay bye now."

"Ladies, gentlemen, poets of all ages, welcome to the pirate's own Fandom Radio. This is DJ Hawk bringing you the latest and greatest news from our fair isle of Fandom.

Tonight in alphabetical order!

A is for aww at Lana and Jim in the park
B is for Blair in the Fourth Floor Common Room. He was joined by mopey Bro which led to boykissy, Broots' tale of his weird family, Willow's plan to decapitate someone and Billy's lust for donuts.
C is for Caritas where Clark was emo and GOB had to listen to it. And Lucifer got a drink.
D is for the Devil's Nest where there's an over 21s gathering on Tuesday. Be there!
E is for eroticism, of which there is none in Fandom at all.
F is for the feather that Dean used to wake Alec this morning.
G is for the glider that Anders was playing with at the front gates.
H is for hiding like Crichton did to Aeryn's clothes.
I is for Izzy who's Christmas mad already.
J is for JGOB where Brunch was held. Willow and Mac, Aziraphale and Wilson talked to Lana and Jim, Willow and Miss Frizzle talked about school, Frizzle met Leo, Clark showed up and Leo thought it was Thanksgiving.
K is for Krispy Kreme which I'm craving right now.
L is for Legos in the Second Floor Common Room. Alanna was confused by the whole ordeal.
M is for making more buildings out of blocks which Z, English, Al and Kaylee joined in on while Al and Bridge talked about future town. English and Z talked about abandoned warehouses and Alanna and English talked about Thanksgiving.
N is for Nadia who was visited by Aziraphale in the clinic
O is for occupational hazards that Cameron and Samantha talked about.
P is for the popcorn Schrodinger and Mac ate in the Third Floor Common Room this afternoon
Q is for quiet time like Sakurazaki's afternoon of reading.
R is for roomies like Dawn and Sam W.
S is for Sparky Repairs which was opened by the twins.
T is for Thursday who woke up sore and had a phone call.
U is for Ultimate as in the ultimate lazy Sunday Peter Parker had. Maybe he had a peck of pickled peppers to keep him busy.
V is for vacation which is all over for now.
W is for Willow and Broots' computer geekery during Blair's common room reign while Billy and Blair talked about hookers, Angela and Blair caught up and Broots and Angela discussed souls and headaches.
X is for a letter that has no place in the English language as far as I'm concerned.
Y is for young love between Summer and Shawn.
Z is for Zzzz as in Willow's sleeping noises.

That's all from me. Have a good week and see you all next Sunday, hopefully with more interesting news to tell. Goodnight Fandom!"

"And a very happy Tuesday to you all, Fandom. This is Hawkeye Pierce, covering for young Master Booth, on your radio again, because apparently you give a guy a microphone and he won't give it up. What can I say? I'm needy this week and have a thing for run-on sentences.


Classes: A new topic for me since I normally do Sundays

There were announcements this morning, as told by me. Balloon animals are out. Weetiny trolls are in. We're still not sure on whether the Senate is going to the balloon animals or the weetiny trolls as it's a close race.

Biology was biological in the most platonic way today. Some handed in their experiments and others were still working on them.

Humor talked about jesters and yes Virginia, I would like a jester hat for Christmas. They then discussed whether humor can be abused. It certainly can and I'm living proof. Ask me for tips.

Acting acted with style and talked about their final projects, then improvised a game of Twister without the mat or the colored circles or the spinner.

Music is Love learned about ballads, which are usually about love, and as much as I'd love to sing for you all this evening, I'd rather not scare away our resident call girl. The class sang though.

Spies and Spying, a course I'm not entirely sure how we got past the school board, learned about disguises, played with makeup and costumes, and showed off their costumes.

Then a sneaky, meddling trickster set off the sprinklers. A prank well done.

Criminal Justice were more about the justice than the criminals today and talked about partners being tools. If I'm as caught up on my modern slang as I think, then your partner being a tool really depends on who the partner is.

And Literature in Action took a trip to the Great Library and into Alice's Adventures in Wonderland. The book. As in inside. Let's hope the Gryphon didn't eat anyone.

There were plenty of office hours today. Papa Winchester had visits from Buffy and Angel, Dear ol' Daisy was all on her lonesome today, The dark lord who deserves his own theme song had Wilson, Rory and Schrodinger pay a visit. And the office was open with plenty of voting to be had.

In club news, Archaeology Club met, examined dig sites - try not to dig up any angry ghost's bones - and looked at the highlights.

The Coffee Appreciation Society met and, as highly caffeinated people do, chatted and chatted and chatted.

Fencing Club met and, well, I'm just guessing here, but I think they fenced.

In the cafeteria Chad and Pippi talked about doing jail time and about a Las Vegas trip. I'm telling you, one can lead to the other. And Billy asked Buffy if she remembered being a puppy.

Finally, in the holy city of resources, Isabel opened the library. Yomiko my lovely housemate was there, Jack brought candy to bribe Isabel into telling him what's wrong, Isabel helped River find a book about art and Isabel and Angela talked about the last few days, Angela's "ouchie" - which I'm hoping is not a euphemism - and the weetiny trolls.

I feel ridiculous saying weetiny, but that's the price you pay for living in Fandom.



Dorm Life: All in All It's Just Another Brick in the Wall

John and Aeryn woke up together and the notes say it's "sad, sad, sad." Isabel and Greg snuggled and Bel and Phoebe were emo. Also, the Pope is Catholic.

There was plenty of visiting today with Jaye getting a visit from the weetiny trolls, Matilda visiting the hungover Hitachiin twins, Cally visiting Mac-on-a-cleaning-spree and Sakurazaki visited Ranma to apologize.

Lana went straight to bed tonight and Sakura - the one without the 'Zaki' - got a letter that she tore up.

The Roof was ablaze tonight with activity and thankfully not fire. Pippi and Nadia talked about Vegas and danced in the rain, Parker now with 10% less psycho talked with Pippi about Teal Dear, the band not the endangered animal, and Nadia about the same topic. Conner and Nadia talked about Vegas and Conner's new hair. It makes you look like a new man, Conner. Pippi and Conner talked about the rain. Parker and Conner talked about his hair and Vegas.

And in the Fourth Floor Common Room, Setsuna used her powers of emo and hate to keep people out, but dear young Veruca couldn't take a hint and retaliated with a hug attack.



Fandom, Fandom, It's A Wonderful Town, the School is Up and the Parking Lot's Down

As with all of my broadcasts, Aziraphale and Wilson were up to their usual tricks and watched television together. Schmoopily, I would assume. But wait! After sunset, Angel arrived.

Back in dear ol' 18 Apocalypse Avenue, Josh Lyman watched the election results and Jarod joined him. Election results. On television. You know, there's a perfectly good bar just down the road.

Speaking of which, Caritas was lively tonight with Rosette offering to sing to get the zombies to stop playing Rawhide - keep movin', movin', movin', though they're disapprovin', keep them doggies movin' Rawhide! - and apparently I can't keep my promise of not singing. And in news that will undoubtedly gain me a visitor in my office tomorrow, or an explosion of some kind, Bel got drunk and was all over Anders. I'm sure they mean he threw up all over Anders.

Really.

Moving on to topics that won't result in a double homicide, it was a quiet day in the clinic for Doctor Troy and a quiet night for Doctor Lambert.

Teddy cleaned up Sparky Repairs but didn't do a good job of it. Don't listen to the squirrels Teddy. They're overcritical and live in trees.

There was tea in the park today with The Doctor and Aziraphale. Nadia stopped by to apologize for missing the latest lab class, River and Aziraphale caught up and Wilson and Aziraphale cuddled - there's the schmoop.

At Cafe Fina, Alfred encouraged all eligible voters to vote. If you're from another country, planet, dimension, galaxy, plane of existence or aren't alive in the year 2006, you can ignore him.

Apu of the Squishy Machine battled weetiny trolls at All and Sundries and Joxer the Mighty agreed to protect Jane from the trolls.

Our Lady of Fandom was paid a visit by the old old boss' son.

The Sin was busy this evening. Becky had a visitor and watched Vanessa Saturn and
Jarod advertised the Sin, while Miho the Monochrome decided to show off her taunting side. Not dirty.


Is that it? That's it! Have a good week, be sure to watch out for weetiny trolls (I'm getting the hang of it now) and don't forget that Jeff, God of Biscuits November pie sale starts tomorrow! Goodnight Fandom!"

Good evening ladies, gentlemen and ghouls of all ages to the pirate's own Fandom Radio. This is your mostly mortal host, DJ "Headstone" Hawk, bringing you the latest and greatest hits of the Sunday before Halloween, which is apparently now a holiday in Fandom.


DOWNTOWN: Where the zombies roam...just not tonight

Luke "El Monstro" Danes offered brunch today, but it was deader than a dance at the morgue. "Boo" Baldrick left All and Sundries for greener pastures and "Karniverous" Kaoru and Hikaru "Hell Spawn" Hitachiin were into the pre-Halloween spirit at Sparky Repairs.

"Bloodcurdling" GOB Bluth and Becky "Vampira" Vartan were in everyone's favorite doorway to hell, Caritas, this evening talking about Halloween pranks.

"Ah vant to suck your blood" Aziraphale and James "Gives you the Willies" Wilson got ready for the party of the season and so did Natalie "Lurker" Lambert.

In the clinic, Doctor "Ghastly" Goodchild had the morning shift, where Pippi "Dread Pirate" Longstocking and Nadia "Sort of Frightening" Santos stopped by to see Walter "the Weird" Dornez. The girls stopped by again when "Spooky" Stark had the night shift.

Zero "Zombie Slayer" Hopeless-Savage and Peter "Poltergeist" Parker talked in the parking lot with the brand new Teal Dear van.

And finally in town news, Setsuna "Severed Hand" Sakurazaki was in the Park with Ranma "Redrum" Saotome.

Stay tuned at the end of the broadcast for the latest gossip about the pre-Halloween party at Mauvaise Chance.


DORMS: Where Everyone's Turning Into Werewolves. No, not really.

Marty "the Mad Master" Blank was feeling weird today. Let's hope he's not turning into a werewolf. Although, considering this place, it's entirely possible.

Eric "Wretched" Weiss was feeling icky, also hopefully not werewolf-related, and was visited by Miss "Psycho" Parker. Miss "Psycho" then got ready for the party. Teddy "Arrrgh" Altman was annoyed at a very my notes say 'goth-looking' John "Chopper" Connor and "The Abominable" Jamie Madrox is dressed as a Xerox and rolled in to see Dawn "Dry Bones" Summers.

Luke "the Lackey" Skywalker and Rory "Grim Reaper" Gilmore were in the pool with one teaching the other to swim.

Samuel "Anarchy in Fandom" Anders was on the roof with "Psycho" Parker.

In couples news, Jack "Heart Fright" Harkness and Cedric "Decapitated" Diggory had Hawaiian and Mexican pizza. I hope not together or it's indigestion central for you. John "Count Chocula" Crichton was comforted by Aeryn "Skullcrusher" Sun. Willow "Exit Wound" Rosenberg showed off her knight costume to Peter "Pumpkin Eater" Pevensie, Lana "Lycanthrope" Lang and "Eerie" Jim Ellison kicked off their bid for next year's Homecoming court and Bridge "Creepy" Carson picked up Rory "Grim Reaper" Gilmore to go to the party.


And now for a little interlude from Bobby "Boris" Pickett and the Crypt-Kickers.

Monster Mash


PRE-HALLOWEEN: THE PARTY

"Ah vant to suck your blood" Aziraphale and James "Gives you the Willies" Wilson led the party gang at Mauvaise Chance tonight. Everyone was there, and if you weren't, then you're not everyone.

There were beverages for all occasions. "Razor" Rosette and the Wilson indulged, so did "Kooky" Jane Canary, "Ah vant to suck your blood" Aziraphale, Josh "Lurching" Lyman, the Madrox machine, Isabel "Eeek!" Evans, Natalie "Lurker" Lambert, Spy-Girl Summers, Bridge, "Jeepers Creepers" Jarod, Marie "Don't Look Behind You" D'Ancanto, Goth-Connor, Boy Wonder Altman, Lady Lana, Angela "Crypt-Kicker" Chase and her boy genius, Summer "Resurrected" Roberts, Rory, Seely "Oogedy Boogedy" Booth, "Fearful" Faitful, Alanna "Terror on the Third Floor" Trebond and "Aieee" Aly.

In addition, there were plenty of spooky foods that weren't nearly as popular as the alcohol.

"Psycho" Parker stopped in for some gambling, along with "Jeepers Creepers" Jarod, Jane in the Membrane, the Nun, "Brain-Munching" Belthazor, Seely, Alanna and Goth-Connor.

In the study there was a fire a-blazing and out on the balcony, Parker, Wilson and Aziraphale enjoyed some fresh non-spooky air.

Abby "Needs No Spooky Name" Sciuto held a haunted house that everyone enjoyed. People said hi to the skeleton, probably part of the office skeleton staff, admired the art on Abby's walls, learned more about Abby's bedroom than they ever wanted to know, got up close and personal with Abby's internal organ collection, ran into some bugs and enjoyed a nice brew from the witches' cauldron. At the end of it all, Abby gave out candy.

And there was dancing on the roof River "Ten Times the Terror You Are" Tam, Phale, Goth-Connor, Blair "Bones" Sandburg, Aly, "Psycho" Parker, Jarod, Wilson, Marie, Bel, Jim, Lana, Willow, English, Jude "Lord of the Undead" Lizowski, Setsuna, Teddy, Summer, Natalie and Seely. A grand ol' scary time was had and I'd mention all of your spooky names, but I'd run out of breath.

Aly readied her place for the party, then offered pumpkin carving and talking galore.



This is DJ "Headstone" Hawk, signing off on a Very Special Pre-Halloween Fandom Radio. Keep indoors, try the apple cider and try not to provoke the undead. Goodnight!

Ladies, gentlemen, aliens, superheroes, villains, mutants, witches, wizards, knights, hunters, scientists, doctors, supergeeks who aren't scientists, members of the clergy and everyone else who deserves their own action figure, welcome to the pirate's own Fandom Radio. This is DJ Hawk bringing you the latest news, gossip and nonsensical mishaps around Fandom today.


Downtown Fandom: Where the Towels Are Oh-So Fluffy

It's Sunday, and that means Sunday Brunch, this time held by the god of biscuits himself.

Kaoru opened Sparky Repairs for some Sunday trading and Matilda stopped by to chat, possibly about lemurs.

Stark was in the clinic this evening, ready to deal with all of your medical woes.

Greg of the Magnificent Hair opened Caritas with a whimsical bounce in his step. New York Peter stopped by and told Greg about animals, which he now wants to hunt. Blair! I think you have someone to protest over here! Clark also stopped by, but didn't do anything worth protesting.

And down at Ye Olde Imperial Junk Yard, a group of intrepid adventurers returned from what I'm sure was a very long midnight snack run. Kids, next time avoid 'borrowing' Vader's ship. Sam and Aeryn talked about the ship, John took Aeryn home, Isabel is glad Aeryn's okay, New York Peter is pleased he got to hit someone this time he went for a midnight snack run and - newsflash! - Luke made Aeryn smile.


Dorm Life: Where the Air Smells Like Warm Root Beer

In the third floor common room, Chad made himself breakfast, then showed off his Egg Ninja skills to Hikaru.

In the fourth floor common room this morning, Joxer was asleep and verging on public indecency. I must protest. If Joxer can get away with public indecency, even if Mac convinced him to get dressed by telling him drool is a medical condition, then so should everyone else. I hereby advocate another shirtless day, but not next weekend unless you want to be shipped off to a convent by your visiting guardians.

Thankfully, by nightfall, the fourth floor common room was Joxerless, but Bel and Blair, everyone's favorite happy wacky fun time sitcom duo, were watching Spooky Things. A very original name for a television series. They were joined by Jim, Lana, Broots and a demon lizard that Blair tried to attack. Blair, I'm disappointed.

On the Roof, Nadia listened to loud music and looked to the sky and probably wonder why it's blue and not green.

But later this evening, Nadia set up camp in the fifth floor common room to stare at the television. Pippi and her geocache containing a lucky necklace joined her, followed by Pip who wanted to talk about Texas and Joxer who wasn't naked that time.

Moving on, Cheerleader Tryouts were held today in the gym. I'm told there were nuts, coffee and coffee nuts involved.

In the more private areas of the dorms, but not private enough to escape the squirrels, River drew some pictures and Buffy tried to recruit her for cheerleading. Cally has decided to go 'emo goth' or 'emu golf' according to my notes, but Mac valiantly attempted to stop her.

It's reading and study time all around, with Molly and Cameron talking about Literature class, Dawn being restless but getting her work done anyway and English reading King of the Bracelets before Willow interrupted him.

Parker sent an email, Aeryn sent one about Flight Club, Alec and Dean had a fun doppleganger night in and Jamie had a few moments to himself to brood before Marie came to visit.

As for the intrepid midnight snack adventurers who have decided to grace us with their presence again, Sam returned to Jack all dirty, only not dirty in that sense but in the real dirt sense, New York Peter decided to enjoy his last moments on Earth by relaxing before finding out if his girlfriend is going to pulverize him, Isabel dozed off with a good book but was interrupted by Greg and Parker-who-be-sulkin'-because-she-be-left-out, and John and Aeryn were holding to each other like a someone broken...ated. Brokenated? Is that even a real word?

And finally, in the latest in a long string of animal transformations, Billy was trying to pack to leave Fandom, but has turned into a lizard. *squirrel chittering* Bearded dragon lizard. *more squirrel chittering* It's a reptile. Who cares? Anyway kids, I think we can safely say that when it comes to Fandom, you can check out any time you like, but you can never really leave.

That's all from me here at Fandom Radio. Have a good week, do not pass Go, do not collect $200, do not use if seal on cap is broken, but make sure you rest up and are ready for Parents Weekend next weekend. And if we're very lucky, we'll still have a school by the end of it, and I'll still have a job.

Fandom Radio, Sunday, October 1

"Ladies, gentlemen, squeaky toys, squirrels and gremlins of all ages, welcome to the pirate's own Fandom Radio. My Dad's been bothering me for an update on this little bundle of insanity we call Fandom, so I'm going to kill two birds with one stone and do radio in the form of a letter to my Dad, then send it to him.

Dear Dad,

I thought I'd write you a letter to show you what a typical day in Fandom is like. I hope this doesn't make you think that I've gone insane, because we both know it's too late for that. Here goes.

Dorm Life: An Experience You'll Never Forget, No Matter How Hard You Try

Peter Parker and Aeryn are in the gym today. Billy is in a tree, as that's the kind of thing kids around here do when they're not fighting the forces of evil.

In the fifth floor common room, Belthazor watches TV and makes Lavender emo enough to make her do some charming magic on herself. Cally is emo about emo, so Blair gave her a hug, then she talks about Homecoming. Bel yells at Blair to being mean to Lana and also talks about Homecoming. Blair admits he was a jerk.

Blair and River share breakfast and are apparently going to Homecoming together. Shawn learns not to emo near the plants or smoke near the telescope, which are both important lessons to learn here, Dad. Shawn then heals Blair's cuts - who knew he had that in him? - and is apparently going to Homecoming with Summer, as opposed to Winter or Fall.

Bel and River talk television, emo-less Chad meets Bel and there's much testosterone to be had and then Blair tries to convince Chad to take up yoga or ballet. Lyra worries about Tall Dean and then introduces herself to Chad.

Night time is a busy place around here, Dad. The kids are settling in for the night, and that usually means wild antics that I try not to notice.

In the fifth floor common room, the new bastion of activity, Marie sings, dances and makes cookies, then talks to Summer about hometowns, Homecoming and mutants. The same discussion is done over again with Bel and then Summer and Bel meet for the first time after Summer confuses Bel for his doppleganger.

English and Summer talk about dates and threats to said dates, English and Marie talk about wholesome things like the good kids they are and English and Cally talk Homecoming Queens. Don't worry English, I'm sure you're a shoe-in for Homecoming Queen.

Cally and Summer talk about emo, Marie offers Cally cookies and learns about Cally's...I'm not reading that aloud. There are some things that should remain private. Nadia tells Marie about her weird weekend and the ever-articulate Conner McKnight says "hi".

In the fourth floor common room, because I like counting backwards, Isabel watches television. You'd like her, Dad. She's a nice girl. She talks to Peter Parker about reality television, which I'm not even going to try to explain. Teddy reveals himself to Isabel as the king of Dork Land, then Peter and Teddy meet.

Isabel and Anders worry about the teachers catching emo, then Anders and Peter talk baseball. Good old American baseball. Teddy and Anders talk about the emo epidemic, as do Bridge and Anders.

Bridge and Peter discuss taking over Russia, but decide to wait until summer to give it a try. Isabel says she'll save Bridge a dance at Homecoming and Bridge and Teddy meet.

They're a sociable bunch here, Dad.

Jack tells Sam about his fight with Jarod and brought her breakfast. Now that's a guy who knows what he's doing.

Sakurazaki is emo. I think the doctors in the clinic are working on a cure for that.

Blair apologizes to Lana like the good kid he is, and then Lana tells Lavender what's wrong. Nadia and Pete are emo too. It's an epidemic!

Meanwhile, John Connor has a hangover, Jim hides out in the preserve, leaves a note for Blair, and then goes back to Lana and makes everything peachy keen again. Rory and Luke discuss dancing and being bored, Aeryn tries to feed Bruno the shark some goldfish crackers but later denies it, Dawn cheers up Bridge and...newsflash boys and girls, Parker is cranky.


Downtown: Same Insanity, Different Scenery

A duck is feeling cranky today. Are we sure Parker didn't turn into a duck? If not, Parker, the duck is your new best friend. Go be cranky together.

Alfred displays his apparent 'mad skillz' my squirrel notes say and defeats his staff's emo. Good for you, Alfred. Be sure to pass this treatment plan on to the clinic. Alfred then tells Clark about his staff. I don't know if it's just me spending too much time here, Dad, but that sounds like innuendo.

On to brighter topics, Carmela, Door and Evie go shopping for homecoming dresses, Giles and John Winchester meet and talk shop and...well. Jarod leaves town. I hope he paid his rent.

Down at Caritas, Cranky Parker talks business with GOB and the clinic is generally quiet.


The Emoo: Because This Place Apparently Isn't Weird Enough

So Dad, it seems that the cause of this Emo epidemic has been found. An Emoo. I've never seen one, but I assume it's like a puma.

A bunch of people are recruited to fight the Emoo: Alfred, The Doctor, Aziraphale, Pippi, Kaylee, Walter, Pip, John Connor, Kaoru and Hikaru, Artie and...I'm sure there are more, but I'm running out of breath here.

They fight. The Emoo multiplies! and then - victory! - the Emoo is banished by the might Army of Silliness. Now that's an army I wouldn't have to be drafted for.

And last but not least, Artie is leaving us for greener pastures. I salute you, strange man in red, blue and white.

That's about all for now, Dad. If it makes you feel better, just pretend this letter was a pitch for a new fiction novel.

Say hi to everyone for me. Everyone here in Fandom says hi back.

Your son,

Hawkeye."

Ladies, gentlemen, one-eyed tentacle monsters, Fandomoniums of all ages! Welcome to the pirate's own Fandom Radio. This is your announcer, DJ Hawk, taking the airwaves, enjoying a fine bottle of vodka and still wondering if this place is all part of a head trauma-induced hallucination.


School Room Blues

It's Sunday. I don't even know why this is on my list. Go! Begone! Be free, my pretties!


Co-Ed Dorms, Because We Trust You. Really.

This Sunday is full of revelry, rumination and running for election. Here are the highlights.

Sakurazaki has an admirer. I believe he's a fine gentleman from the far north, and no I'm not talking about the Mountie. Billy went swimming but no one else showed up. Billy, save the Speedos until after puberty.

On the front steps of the dorms, Ed was being studious and not getting any girls, Cally stopped by and she's not getting any girls either, then John Connor tripped over Ed and he's definitely not getting any girls and Shawn was there too and - sigh - he's still not getting any girls. Shawn, I thought we talked about this the last time they let me near a microphone.

In the common rooms, those places where love is in the air and possibly the stench of scorched popcorn and bad air freshener, the second and third floor common rooms are empty. I am shocked, shocked I say! All of the action happened on the fourth and fifth floors.

In the fourth floor common room, John Connor was non-emo - that's the spirit! - and watched television. Then John and Billy discussed which was better - chicks with swords or chicks with guns. Don't worry boys, you're not getting either, so the point is moot. Teddy stopped by and he and John talked about movies on cable and how the digestive tract deals with too much popcorn. Well, maybe not that last one, but I can assure you the answer is 'not well'. Then Billy and Teddy talked about movies. Please note that there were no girls in the room. Co-ed dorms and you still end up segregated. But wait, here's a tidbit that I may need to check out myself. There's graffiti in the fourth floor boys' bathroom. For a good time, call...well, me if you're legal.

On to the fifth floor, where the girls are pretty and the boys don't know what luck they have. JD slept, then was woken by Pip, who was then disturbed by Peter the Portly Pony who is neither portly nor a pony anymore, but I do love alliteration. I would just like to make it clear that again there is a lack of the XX chromosome pair in this room. What is WRONG with you people?

Not that I condone anyone doing anything if there are any parents or guardians listening to this.

In the afternoon, Bel watched football, then talked rule changes with Schrodinger. Cally harassed Bel about his sexuality. Pot, kettle, black. Bel then explained football to the farmboy, Cally told the farmboy about her lemming. Lemming. Please don't let that be a euphemism. Farmboy and Schrodinger talked about everyone's favorite native non-teal animal, then met Marie.

I'm taking a moment to have a drink.

Better. Moving on!

Marie became a Patriots' fan and is now running for Student Council, Marie and Cally talk classes, you studious little students you, and Marie talked gloves. Jamie and Marie are cute together - see? This guy knows what he's doing. Learn from Madrox. And Bel and Jamie...no, I'm not reading that. If only because I don't want to deal with the homicide report. Let's just say they talked about cheering up Professor Vader by using what they know.

And finally in the common areas, Bel and Billy were on the roof this morning. Bel protected his plants. Billy did not protect plants. Does Billy have something against plants?

Now let's delve into your private lives, because the pirate is a dastardly snoop and knows all.

Lavender and Mac talked about magic, while Sakurazaki and Jude were romantic and adorable. See? Learn from Madrox and Lizowski. Madrox and Lizowski for student council! They will lead the way!

Weiss and Jaye are, in separate rooms, "hungover oh-em-gee". Because simply being hungover isn't enough.

Ahaaa, and it seems the pirate loves to embarass each and every one of you. In gossip news, Angela and Marty were sneaky and went backc to her room very tipsy and early and sneaky and why are these notes in capital letters? I think someone is a little overexcited at this news. Mr Blank, you are a gentleman and a scholar and a dirty scoundrel. Good work.

Jamie decided that Marie should run for Student Council, which would explain her uncertainty later on since she didn't decide this for herself. But they are cute. That's apparently what counts. In the meantime, Pippi snuggled her art supplies, because Pippi and her art supplies are apparently an "oh-tee-pee". I didn't know Pippi had a teepee, but you learn something new every day. Sometimes that one thing just happens to be a waste of brain cells.

Ray and his microwave had a showdown. Who won? Call in and tell me. Shawn and...wait. WAIT. Hallelujah! Shawn picked Summer up for their lunch date. Shawn, my boy, you were listening last time. I take back all of the heckling I may have done once the microphone was off.

Moving right along, Miss Parker was her usual charming self on the phone to Jarod, Anders must have been lonely and lost because he was talking to his fish, John Crichton tried to...ha. Haha. He tried to cook for Aeryn. Somehow, I doubt it went all that well. Luke and Rory ate waffles and chatted, Alphonse and Lavender talked... You know, I've heard things about smushed names for couples being cute. What would these two be? Laveonse? Alphender? One sounds like a French General, the other sounds like a medication used to fight constipation. Just say no to name smushing. Ed was booooooo...oooo...oooooo...oored. I think I got all of the 'o's right. Walter is also bored, but with just one 'O'. Carmela stopped by to say hello and Evie wrote a letter home. Finally, some good news. Agnes is not dead.


Student Council

For those of you who have been living under a rock or sucked into Locker 327 for the past few weeks, you would have missed the news that the Student Council elections are coming up. You'll get to vote for 3 representatives from each grade and these guys are the ones who will be getting all of the stuff for you organized for this year. Vote wisely!

Here are the posters that went up today:

Setsuna Sakurazaki, Alanna Trebond, Seely Booth, Joxer, Jamie Madrox and Marie D'Ancanto, Peter Pevensie, Isabel Evans, Peter Parker and a new poster for Charlie Kawalsky. I like the new one better than the old one. If you do too, be sure to show your appreciation.


You can always go - Downtown!

We're on the home stretch now. The Clinic was quiet, but maybe the doctors should go to Caritas, because the place was dead. That's what you get when you mix zombies with Shakira and I have no idea what that means, but I'll take it under advisement for when I get a clue.

This morning was Sunday brunch at Wonka's. Lavender found out there's a Luna and I'm not sure if that's a person or a candy bar, our resident nun is there and so is Clark Kent. Hermione met up with Luna and Lavender and Shawn and Summer got to know each other. I'd say "that's my boy", but he's not and I'd risk sounding like my father. I'm not that old.

River and her brother Simon had a picnic in the park, then they were joined by a duck and Kaylee and my notes, translated from squirrel apparently, tell me that they were cute and awkward. Later on, Simon and River had a visit from housekeeping at the hotel and Jane was pained by Patsy Cline.

I'm disappointed that we have to end on Patsy Cline.

This, my fellow Fandomoniums, is DJ Hawk signing off. I'll leave you now with a four hour recording of the Virginia Highland Bagpipe Society playing the collected works of Barbara Streisand. Don't forget to try the veal. Goodnight!

Good evening, Fandom! It is I, the one, the only, your school's Vice Principal and Principle of Vices. Yes, ladies and germs, it's Hawkeye Pierce aka DJ Hawk here with you today on the pirate's own Fandom Radio. Prepare to be dazzled by the wild and wacky adventures of your fellow Fandomoniums.


School Room Blues

First up, as part of the Fandom High administration's full service torture package, not only do you have to live through classes, but now you have to listen to me talk about them all over again. Don't worry kids and kids-at-heart, I won't be offended if you block your ears and say 'lalalala' for this next part.

Zero taught Creature Languages by showing a shark video. I'm assuming that's because they were learning how to speak shark, and if you've been here long enough, I doubt that's surprising to you.

Advanced Criminal Justice, with the big guy in blue, talked about Criminal Justice. Namely, the guys in robes and the places they hang out when they're not at the bar drinking.

Speaking of which, in the spirit of Ms Tyler's drinking game, I recommend all of you over the legal drinking age indulge a little during this broadcast. It's the only thing that'll get you through it. Those of you who aren't over the legal drinking age are free to do whatever you want as long as I don't find out about it.

Music 201 with Professor Ted studied the music of Middle Earth, as opposed to Left Earth or Right Earth. They also ate food. Any class with food can't be all bad.

Biology, Chemistry and Forensics got their grades, and it's a fare thee well to Sara Sidle. Professor Sidle, it's been a pleasure, but sadly not 'a pleasure' since we never met. Perhaps in another life. Parting is such sweet sorrow. Et cetera.

Speech 201 worked on speeches about what they learned in Fandom. I think that's pretty straight forward. Death means nothing except, I'm told, something involving jazz hands, ducks have teeth, the Dean is a head in a tube and be careful what you eat, because it might turn you into a bunny. More on that later, folks. Speech 301 played poker.

...and I wasn't invited??? What is wrong with you people? That's it, I'm making an administrative decree. No gambling on campus without at least inviting me first. Moving along...

The ever-lovely Miss Bristow took over for Professor Dream in Classics and Foreign Literature by assigning readings. Okay, so maybe she isn't ever-lovely, just whenever she's not giving out readings.

Arthurian Traditions with a man who's secure enough in his masculinity to wear a skirt learned about something to do with Arthur. I'm sure if you cared, you'd be doing the class and would already know what they learned about.

Political Campaigning with Professor Lemon.. *rustling notes* wait, no, Professor LYMAN I'm sorry, talked about free media *snort* and Angel's fashion sense. That's what it says right here, folks.

Sociology of Sex Cultures, a class I'm most intrigued by and must sit in on some time, talked about prostitution. Professor Grissom, you've sold me. I'll be there next week.

Business classes with the delectable, and very taken I know - hello Mr Danes and what a fine lady your wife is - Professor Gilmore-Danes, worked on final projects.

Histories of Western Civilization and Medieval England with Professor Talk, Dark and Brooding learned about medieval things, including the Black Death, not to be confused by the White Death, Beige Death or Periwinkle Polka-Dotted Death.

Ms Calendar - call me - taught today as well. Amazing things teachers do on a daily basis. Psychology 101 talked about perception, which is all in the eye of the beholder, things aren't as they seem and how about a date Saturday night, Ms Calendar? While the Jung students did something to do with Jung. As you do.

Finally, General Physical Conditioning did the same thing they do every week. They were generally physical. Or physically general. Either way, I'll bet with all of that conditioning their hair looks shiny and new.

And now we move on to office hours. The booming voice accompanying the head in the tube and lady with legs all the way to the floor, Professor Cregg held office hours but no one showed. Offer hors d'oeuvres or free chilli next time and the kids will be lining up for hours to see you. The stickbug-wielding Professor Ms Rita Skeeter Esquire the Third Pty Ltd held office hours and got some visitors. I'll bet she offered chilli.

Nobody visited the teachers' lounge today, probably because Biff went on a binge and drank all of the alcohol last night. I'm joking, of course. Know that the Fandom High faculty are in no way heavy drinkers. At all.

The cafeteria, on the other hand, was booming with business. Nadia and Victor had lunch. My notes say there was no drama or emo. Kids, it's high school. I don't know what emo is, but high school *is* drama. Enjoy it while it lasts, or at least act up once in a while. It makes my life more interesting. Quinn was traumatized by the Chef wearing...leather pants. Quinn, we have a school counselor. After a sight like that, use the free counseling. You'll need it.

Now onward to that house of constant learning, knowledge and highly caffeinated assistants, the library. Sam and Zero talked about Creature Languages, Parker and Zero had an apparently noteworthy lunch - noteworthy enough to get on the radio anyway - and Rory helped Peter do some research. If it's anything like the research I did in the stacks in high school... study hard, kids.

She-of-the-Ever-Changing-Hair sent an email about a Creature Languages mix-up and He-of-the-Everlasting-Sugar-High sent an email about Music 201.

And finally, according to today's announcement, the red crayon of doom was gone, but various lockers were giving out free cream pies if you were fast enough to catch them.



A Wretched Hive of Gum and Villainy

You kids and your cahooting and carousing. Ah, youth. Just don't set anything on fire and we'll get along fine.

The gym was busy today with Cam, Aeryn and Isabel stopping by.

Krycek couldn't resist the urge to dance, and now I'm telling everyone what a dancing queen he is on the radio. I'm sure he'll take requests if you ask nicely.

It seems that the dorms were visited by a ghost today. I've given up on being surprised by this place. The ghost, whom I will now name Joey Joe Joe, had a pillow fight with Ms Sun and tried to make people dance. Some ghosts want Earthly revenge. Others just want a good tune to swing to.

Posters for something called girlkissy went up, and now I'm wondering if I need to set up a teacher version to set a good example. It seems Ms Thrace isn't too pleased about it. Where's your school spirit? Posters for RISK on Saturday night were also around the dorms.

And...this can't be right. My notes say that Sharon decided to nuke some Peeps. Peeps? People? Anyone with radiation poisoning, please report to the clinic and for the love of...

*whispering off microphone*

Ah. Apparently Sharon ISN'T getting detention for setting off a nuclear device, she just decided to cook some candy in the microwave.

Pippi watched Bitterwoman in the 5th floor common room - we have a 5th floor?

To start us off with the meetings and greetings of the day, John and Aeryn are in the running for the Couple Most Likely to Send Everyone to the Dentist With Cavaties award. Ivanova is sad about Tonks leaving, but fear not Ivanova. There are other fish in the sea, birds in the sky and singles in the bars and there always will be.

Anakin aka that Broody Kid with the Robes visited Isabel, Alphonse was visited by Victor and Cameron slept in his own bed. My notes say 'for once'. Cameron, you ol' dog.


Downtown Fandom: Check Your Sanity at the Gate

*takes a deep breath*

We're on the final stretch here, folks. Hold onto your hats, keep your hands and arms inside the vehicle and hold your breath and count backwards from 30.

If you're looking for a job, Crowley of The Arms Hotel is hiring.

Camulus and Orlin are back to their old selves. This is apparently a good thing. Then they had dinner. And I thought the Crabapple Cove Courier was easy-going with what they considered news, but this is ridiculous.

The Great Vodka Supplier and her Boy Wonder visited Galactica Point. Nice name for a place. Very sci-fi. Ivanova also stopped by at the Point for a brooding session.

Weevil and Veronica were at Caritas chatting away about life, love and...well actually, I don't know what they were talking about. Ask them if you're interested. Victor was there too, but he had no one to talk to.

Meanwhile, Sparky Repairs was busy, as was the grand high poobah of baked goods, the Kwik Stop and the Fourth Sin where GOB and Becky were romantic. In the brothel. How sweet.

Lastly, you were all fantastically healthy individuals and the empty clinics were proof of that.


So folks...

Wait, no, there's one last thing.

*silence, then a burst of laughter*

It seems the good Mr Echolls, labelled here as "Logan-who-used-t'be-a-bunny" is now "Logan-who-used-to-be-a-bunny-and-is-now-one-again." Ladies and gentlemen, enjoy this opportunity. There will be "Logan-who-used-to-be-a-bunny-and-is-now-one-again" merchandise and memorabilia available from my office as of tomorrow. Don't forget to get your photo taken with "Logan-who-used-to-be-a-bunny-and-is-now-one-again" and scratch the little guy behind the ears.

I'll bet he loves baby talk too.

This is DJ Hawk, broadcasting to you from Crow's Nest II. Enjoy your completely non-alcoholic beverages, your completely innocent and non-mischievous gatherings and have a good night!