WTFH

Good evening, students, faculty, townies, and people of varying degrees of looking good in spandex. This is Zordon of Eltar.

Ay-yi-yi, Zordon, what about me?

. . . and Alpha 5. Unfortunately. Yes, of course I'm broadcasting from the Command Center. Where else would I be?

That's a silly qu--

It was a rhetorical question, Alpha. As I was saying, this is Zordon of Eltar, otherwise known to you as Dean Zordon, keeping you up to date on today's events. Knowledge is power, as you know, and vigilance is a habit I am going to teach you all to appreciate and exercise if I'm ever going to recruit you all to my -- *crackle of static*
Vigilance is an admirable habit. Yes. Therefore, in the interest of our collective betterment, I bring you today's news. Normally I would tell you to observe the Viewing Globe, but that is here in the Command Center with me and the door is locked.

Residential Life For Those Of You With Bodies

Physical fitness, like vigilance, is an admirable trait, and one I like to look for in potential -- *crackle of static* Some of you were in the gym today, but it seems that more conversation than actual exercising took place. This is not so admirable. Pip and Jamie were in the gym this morning, but seemed more interested in discussing mutants, Nadia, and weird things than in working out. Aeryn and Rory were in the gym later tonight, and at least presented an appearance of fencing while they also conversed. Jamie returned to the gym but did not, according to my video feeds, exert himself any more than he did earlier in the day. Molly was lifting weights, though, which is a more appropriate use of the facilities. Miss Hayes, please continue to refrain from breaking the equipment. Thank you.

Students, when you are in the gym, I would like to see a little less talking and a little more applying yourselves, please. I want to hear nonverbal karate yells, not clever quips.

Musical pursuits are also admirable and make one appear well-rounded and cultured. I am pleased to report that Nadia was playing her guitar on the roof today, where she was joined by her roommate Jamie for a conversation about abnormal people, possession, and Chapstick, and by Demyx, who talked to her about the lack of sleep at slumber parties and depressing music.

Belthazor's survey of the common rooms took him to the third floor today. Jamie was there and seemed most interested in scrapbooking, glitter, and boykissy. None of these things are particularly productive pastimes, Mister Madrox. Briar was also there and talking to Belthazor, but the topics at hand were magic and demons, both of which are more worthwhile subjects about which to be informed. Conner was doing pushups while half-asleep. Doctor Oliver, I may need a word with you. And Xander Bly was none too pleased to discover that Belthazor is a demon.

In the fifth floor common room, Pippi did not make pancakes as she usually does, but this is due to the fact that she is being careful due to her recent injuries. Concern for your own health is a commendable trait, Pippi. Well done. As is concern for one's friends, as Demyx exhibited when he came to check up on her. When Walter came in, he found Pippi rather "happy and floaty." Miss Longstocking, that is an ominous sign and not so commendable. Nadia was pleased to find Pippi feeling better, after which all of them watched Good Eats, except for Walter, who fell asleep. Mister Dornez, this is not the proper way to be vigilant.

While Pippi's attempts to encourage Demyx to cook were admirable, the results were less than satisfactory as he caught fire. Pip and Seras, who joined them, were witness to this as well. Ah yes, and Jamie just missed the event.

Zordon? Why is Jamie in all the reports so far?

That's . . . a very good question, Alpha. Keep a running tally, will you? Mister Madrox was apparently sorry to have missed all the fun; this is what happens when one overextends oneself, a habit I strongly discourage. And while Sakurazaki's attempts at meditating were less than successful, I commend her for trying despite her obvious fatigue. Persistence is an admirable trait, students. Please remember that. Oh, look. Jamie talked to her.

Ay-yi-yi, Zordon, I only have so many fingers! But Jude spoke to her as well!

Keep a tally on the computer, Alpha. What did you think? Belthazor was up on the roof brooding tonight. Professor Arroway was not pleased to find him smoking, and neither was I when I saw that on the feed.

And guess what, Zordon? Jamie was there, too!

This is most disturbing, Alpha. Please continue to tally the appearances. Actually, you can add another one now, because he was at the pool after Hermione cleaned it.

Sam and Dawn talked about hair, sans the presence of Mister Madrox. He was, however, visiting Walter who I am pleased to report is home from the clinic, and was also visited by Nadia.

Ay-yi-yi, Zordon, can't you just do a Jamie Report and get it all done at once?

You know, Alpha, that's not a terribly bad idea. Other people who had the dubious honor of encountering one or another Mister Madrox today were Pippi, Hermione, Jeremiah of all things, Greg who also talked about adventuring with Isabel and bonded with his roommate Peter, and Bridge who was entrusted with Willow's computer and was also cute with the Xander who is less intriguing to me. He also visited Peter Pevensie, and along with Paige helped him polish his shield, and met Alphonse's kitty, as did Kaylee.

Mister Madrox, there are more productive uses for excess energy, you do realize, than bringing Jaye and Peter Parker baked goods, bothering Sakurazaki while she's writing letters, interrupting Walter and Nadia out on the lawn, and visiting Demyx. Also, could you kindly refrain from visiting the second floor girls' restroom? At least he did not visit Alec, although Dean did, and Alec's roommate Tyler is back from the clinic.

In news of people who are not Jamie Madrox, Tim got mail from home. Checking up on one's family from time to time is a good habit to cultivate. If they are kidnapped and subverted by the forces of evil, you are more likely to be aware of it sooner. Jack Harkness threw away a plant, and I hope that it will not be kidnapped and subverted by the forces of evil. Finally, Parker sent email. So far Hamlet appears to have been spared the Scourge of Madrox, but only time will tell. Alpha, keep an eye on that feed, will you?

Zordon? Too late.

The Clinic, Which People With Bodies Occasionally Need

On Doctor Troy's shift, Willow and Jamie visited Joxer, while Tyler checked out. It was quiet for Doctor Goodchild's shift, which might have had something to do with the fact that Joxer was still unconscious.

Town, Where People Who Aren't Stuck In Tubes Can Venture Sometimes

Doctor Arroway sent out email. I can do that too, you know, even if I can't move. And I don't need a keyboard to do it. Lorne got a phone call, which I can also do; but he's leaving. Which I can't.

At Cafe Fina, Jamie was there for dinner. He was also at Caritas.

Ay-yi-yiiiiiiiii!

If shopping trips count as a bonding activity, Miss Parker gets many, many points for initiative. I can't go shopping. I can't wear clothes. I have no body.

At Stuff For Sale today, Parker was rampantly materialistic with Buffy, talked to Phoebe who was flirted with by Jack Harkness, was disturbed by Mister Harkness's talk of demon shoes, tried to interest Callisto in retail therapy, and shopped at Jamie who was there too, as if this is a surprise by now.

Aeryn did not shoot Mister Harkness; Alec learned about girlkissy and was assisted in his shopping endeavors by Buffy. I like to see you students helping one another. I do not, however, like to see students buying whorey shoes as one Miss Gilmore did. This sort of behavior leads to indiscriminate flirting with Alec and meeting of Jamie Madrox. Z met Buffy and talked of adventuring with Parker; Elizabeth and Isabel shopped with Parker, who discussed Buffy with Aeryn. Miss Summers, it was very generous of you to try and find Aeryn a dress, but your generosity may be overruled by the fact that this action might also be considered reckless endangerment. I do not condone reckless endangerment.

At least Mister Madrox was at work at Empire Records today, where he was visited by Marie and called by Mark. Unfortunately he also stopped in at Mister Giles's bookstore, as did Zack. He was also in the park where he met Jenny, as did Willow, who found the encounter somewhat unnerving.

So would I, Zordon!

I meant meeting Jenny; it goes without saying that all these people meeting Jamie is an unnerving thing.

But Zordon, you don't have nerves!

FIGURE OF SPEECH, ALPHA. Sparky Repairs was open, and Admiral Harrington stopped in. As did -- yes -- Jamie. Artie danced on the docks and was joined by Orlin and -- yes -- Jamie. All and Sundries was also open, and while Artie visited, so did -- yes -- Jamie. Elle was in the park, where she spoke with Jack, Tim, and -- YES -- Jamie.

At the Fourth Sin, GOB invited Becky to his show, Constable Fraser solicited Becky for dating advice, and Miho and Becky stared at the ceiling. I do that too sometimes. Quite a bit, actually. And yes, Jamie was there, purportedly to use the restroom. I should hope that was all, Mister Madrox.

Finally, Fred Weasley moved into town, and met Paige. And yes, Jamie was seen in the vicinity.

And as this concludes our news for the night, we can get a final tally on the Jamie Madrox Report. Alpha 5, the number, if you will?

*long, long pause*

Ay-yi-yi-yi-yiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii --

*sizzle* *spark* *crackle*

This cannot be good. This is Zordon of Eltar signing off, and I would like to conclude on the note that moderation in all things is to be highly encouraged. Overdoing it leads to severe exhaustion and shorted-out robots.