WTFH

...You shits followed me to fuckin' London of all the...

Fandom, it's Constantine. We're all still alive after last week, so cheers to us. Personally I fucked off to somewhere else to recover, but these shitheads have notes for me anyway. So here's your gossip:

Dorms were fairly quiet, with Sidon curled up on the couch in the fourth floor common room, and when Breq stopped over, Sidon thanked her with enthusiasm for saving his life.

Town was a bit more active. Kanan was meditating in the park, as usual. Breq stopped to ask how he's doing, as did Peter, but Tip was disappointed in him. Christ, give the possessed man some slack.

The lovely Hera opened Syndulla Scrap, where Chopper was helping by arranging coloured lights and humming songs.

33 Apocalypse Avenue was also in the decorated spirit, with Dante preparing for guests. Kathy wanted him to eat birthday soup with her, and he obliged. Birthday soup is a thing? Who knew.
Ada showed up with cupcakes and was welcomed by Dante and Kathy. Isabela came too, and the dirty puns commenced.

At the Trooper Station, Liam refuses to arrest snowmen for loitering, and at Quark's, Quark was upset about the deceitful slugs.

That's it Fandom. Stay warm, stay sane, and don't touch any more slugs.

*CLICK*

You lot were quiet yesterday. It makes me think you're plotting something.

Up at the school, Civics went to see Steve help the President of the United States light a Christmas Tree. What, and he didn't light that orange toadstool on fire instead?

Town was equally quiet,


At Quark's, Quark had a problem with a dabo table, and he refused to give Amaya a discount even though they're housemates, but he might offer her a job instead.

Liam and the trooper station were having a problem with powedered sugar, so they ordered donuts.


And as usual, Kanan was doing lightsaber practice in the park, but this time Mitsutada stopped by, intending to practise too, and was curious about the lightsaber.

That's it, Fandom. Try not to get doused in sugar.

Serious? This is it? Fine, then, let's do this.

Right. Civics talked about fake news, which is not me, while Sex Ed discussed monogamy versus polygamy. An' hopefully worked some polyamory in there too, given I think there's something in the water around here.

Over in the dorms, Breq got some practice in at the shooting range.

And it looks like the usual suspects were lurking in town. Kanan was in the park doing lightsaber stuff until Tip showed up for practice and complaining about the weather. Groovy Tunes had Dante was humming and moving bass guitars around, and Parker was working at Luke's, as usual.

That's it, Fandom. Try not to be too adventurous or anything.

*click*

[OOC: Good work on hitting 'post,' self. NOT.]

Hey folks, this is Constantine, with all the gossip unfit to print.

Only one class up at the school today; Civics talked about gerrymandering, and Paris explained corn festivals to Peridot.

Kids, I should not even have to say this around here, because you should all know better at this point, but stay out of corn mazes. Don't harass the corn. England's got the fairy rings, you Americans have the corn, and you'd best be careful what sort of 'corn festival' you're going to visit.

There. That's my PSA for the year. Keep your souls, don't be a sacrifice: stay out of the fucking corn.

Town was feeling the lead-up to All Hallows'. At the Trooper Station, Liam discovered all the helmets had been painted orange, Hera was researching Halloween costumes at Syndulla Scrap, and Kanan and Tip were in the park for sword training.

In a bit of something new, the adults have more entertainment options on the island now, as a spot called 'Quark’s' opened its doors.

Magnus asked if it’s a bar and orders water, but was persuaded to get a raktajino instead. Someone check on the bloke, make sure he's still alive, yeah?
Hannibal stopped by with a whisky bottle as a 'Welcome to Fandom' gift and Quark thought it might be poisoned. Trust me, mate, that shit's medicinal around here. Kanan wanted a drink that 'packs a kick' because he's a fucking sucker for punishment, and filled Quark in about Fandom. Quark and Hera were both happy to see other non-humans, and Liam asked for recommendations and Quark suggests bloodwine... Right. Because that doesn't sound ominous at all. Not everyone was drinking, however. Peter tried out the Dabo tables, and Miguel sampled a holosuite.

That's it, Fandom. I'm off to spend the rest of the day renewing the wards around the library, try not to do anything you don't have bail money for.

*click*

Up at the school yesterday, Civics was watching a movie, but Steve accidentally pressed the switch on a box instead of the DVD player, and the classroom got covered in glitter while the coffee is ruined. Sex Ed watched a movie, and Skywalker had office hours but knew better than to press any strange switches. Lucky for him, Aphra stopped by and gave in to temptation.

The Student Council had their first meeting. Tip told Breq that StuCo mostly deals with arranging parties, then explained what parties here are like and got Breq all curious about karaoke. Then Tip introduced herself to Yang, and they talked about Yang appreciating getting to punch things. Sounds like that one is at the right school, I guess.

Our lord and master Zoe was soliciting ideas for family weekend, and Tip suggested bowling but Paris doesn't want to wear other people's shoes, and suggested a reception instead, and strategies to make her parents avoid seeing blue people. Now, that's a kid at the wrong school.

Summer was packing for a trip home in her dorm room and cut herself on some metal on her suitcase, and found out she's fully of wires rather than blood. Well that sucks. Sorry, sunshine. Shiemi stopped by and gave Summer two pink pillows from the pillow tree, and Summer asked her if Fandom is turning people into robots today. Well, that's one possibility I guess.

Town was livelier than usual for once, all because of those damn switches. At Turtle & Canary the Merchant of Miracles found a box with a switch, and it contained tiny, hopping, blue things. Liam was the smart one at the Trooper Station and didn't press the switch: instead Ralph did it and the station got covered in flour. No switches at the Magic Box, just Jenkins trying to get the books to behave. Mate, good luck with that one. At Syndulla Scrap, the lovely Hera found several boxes and ended-up covered in feathers, confetti and salt. Kanan was doing his lightsaber practice in the park, covered in glitter, probably also due to a box, when Ino stopped by to flatter him, and they discussed a roadtrip in space. Tip wandered over too, and Kanan offered to teach her swordfighting. Last but not least, Dante was playing the guitar and answering texts at Groovy Tunes.

I'm out, Fandom. Stop flipping switches if you don't know what they do.

*CLICK*

Yes yes, fine, I'm up you little shits. Can't a man sleep in sometimes?

*angry chittering*

Fuck you, I wasn't hungover, I had a migraine. Whatever. Fandom, listen up, there's more notes here than I like, so let's make it fast.

School is back in session, which means I probably need to hire more aides, don't I? Fucking hell, where did the summer go? Anyway Baby Winchester was nervous about teaching Sex Ed for the first time, but managed. I think there's a binder somewhere in my office from when Dee and I taught it, if you want it, Sam. Tony and Steve are teaching Civics this semester, and tried to use the current political climate to try to teach the class about democracy. The kids made protest signs and Summer "helped" explain protest signs and the importance of glitter to Peridot.

Town was a little livelier than usual... Jenkins was dusting and sulking at the phone at the Magic Box, Dante was practicing learning a guitar solo all afternoon at Groovy Tunes, at Syndulla Scrap the lovely Hera was eating bread with a spicy dipping sauce and trying to keep Chopper from shooting squirrels -- eh, let him chase them, it won't do them any harm -- and over at the Trooper Station, Liam was fielding a call from a woman afraid of the dreaded weefee. Don't mess with the weefee mate, I think you end up blue and with a sentient cheese.

Oh hell, there's more. Looks like there was a party in the dorms, as Summer decided to celebrate with a, and I quote, "Yay you survived your first week!" party. Don't celebrate until after midterms and your first invasion, kids.

Lots of people showed up

Breq was people-watching from the couch and told Tip about her new job at Groovy Tunes. Tip explained to herthat there's different types of earth music and Breq planned to go to the library to read about more. Right. Aides! Whichever of you is working when she gets in, make sure she gets something on punk. Decent punk.
Summer also chatted with Breq, and explained that she was very well-known for her parties.

Peridot was there to drop off Summer's new phone, and she and Tip compared classes and discussed Peridot making a new set of limb enhancers. 'Dot, go ahead and modify whatever the fuck you want in the library, as long as it's helpful for you doing your job and won't blow up.

Anyway. Breq and Peridot talked about how they don't know much about going to parties, but focused on having a purpose in life and what to do when you unexpectedly found yourself without one. Ladies, a tip... that's not generally party conversation. Too deep.

Summer was super-excited to get her phone back from Peridot... because she's so freaking addicted that she'd been reduced to air texting without it. That's just... no. Hyacinthe asked Peridot if she'd gotten to feed the lizards, and she said Sidon had given her a boost. Tip brought snacks and she and Summer also talked about classes, with Summer explaining her habit of working hard to make it look like she wasn't very smart at all, which Tip didn't understand. Pretty sure it's a popular-girl thing, Tip. Brains vs. Beauty, only one can survive, and all that nonsense.

Hyacinthe noticed Tip's hair had grown back faster than hair normally appears, and wanted to know if it was a power. Nah, it's a Fandom-thing. I think it's a tree, maybe? Or is that the pillows?

Aloy was confused by the party in the common room, so Summer gave her a pep talk about... either the squirrels were high, or Summer was, because apparently they talked about being one step away from destruction or immortality. Tip checked in on Aloy and heard about a class throwing gremlins before introductions. Who the fuck did that? If any of those bastards escaped into the library, I know who has to get them out...

Breq and Aloy agreed to not spend time talking about places the other had never heard of, which is more sensible than most Fandomites, and Hyacinthe greeted Aloy in a foreign language and seemed relieved to discover she didn't understand him. That's a first.

Sidon wasn't certain that he'd found the right party, but Tip was there to welcome him, before warning him that sometimes the island tried to kill everyone. Accurate. Hyacinthe also welcomed Sidon, asking who at the party he'd already met.

Hyacinthe showed up wearing body glitter -- and it looks like the squirrels drew little glittery hearts here for some reason -- and was a little concerned about Summer. The season or the girl, I'm not sure which. He and Breq talked about the potential for invasions while Jason and Summer caught up and he explained that he'd only gotten in trouble once. Only once? Fucking hell, kids, either have more fun, or good job at not getting caught.

Tip teased Dante about only showing up for food, but decided that made sense when he mentioned they were still moving into their new place -- they let kids live outside the dorms? Why are any of you still there? -- and Jughead also showed up just for the food, but Summer called him out for "pulling a Dante." Harsh.

That's it. I'm John Constantine, that was all the gossip unfit to print, and I'm going the fuck back to sleep. Later, Fandom.

*click*




[OOC: This radio brought to you by method RP. I am now going back to bed to sleep the rest of this migraine off.]

*doors slamming*

It's a fucking mess out there. The wind is insane, there's rain, and there's sharks flying the fuck everywhere. I had to beat them off with a damn bat. Fandom, it's Constantine, stay the fuck inside. Now let's get this over with.

In case you'd somehow missed it, the water around the island is now full of sharks that keep using fish puns to taunt Jeff, which Jenkins, at least felt was kind of foreboding.

Impending hurricane notwithstanding, International Cuisine still goes on a field trip to Morocco, to eat at a restaurant in the middle of the Marrakech markets.

After class, Hannibal went home to help Jono start boarding up the windows, checking the generator, and doing all the pre-hurricane prep stuff, while at MCA #3, Kanan's mostly fretting about how the ship will fare, being parked outside in a hurricane. He and Hera were perplexed about how people on Earth deal with hurricanes, and contemplate just leaving town for a few days, or trying to negotiate how Kanan's dog and Hera's droid will manage to coexist in close quarters. I hope you two went with the first option.

The kids in the dorms were during their own storm prep, with Tip's going around the dorms putting up flyers advertising the storm party she and Summer are throwing on Saturday.

That's it, I'm headed back to the library. If you have any sense, you'll be there, or stay home.

*click*

Alright, Fandom, listen up because I've got shite to do.

Lecter took the kids to Mongolia and didn't bring back any food for the teacher's lounge, Dante was earwormed at Groovy Tunes, and Summer was watching classic bad science fiction in the second floor common room.

Right. Done. Now fuck off.

*click*

Fine fine, I'm here. Calm down, you fuzzy little arseholes.

Philosophy of Food wrapped up the term by having the students taste-test foods from their own cultures as made by Hannibal...unless people wrote essays, in which case they get them back printed on edible paper...what the fuck is wrong with this place? Japanese Art broke things and put them back together but with gold, which is apparently an art and philosophy thing called kintsugi. The more you know, kids.

Meanwhile in town, all the screaming you heard was Dante blasting Spanish death metal at Groovy Tunes, and at Turtle and Canary, the goat-that-is-not-actually-a-unicorn is loudly pining after Thursday's drama llamas.

That's it. I'm out of here. Go do something interesting, Fandom.

*click*

Right, let's get this bloody over with.

School actually had three classes today. Magnus got everyone in Woodworking a Frappuccino as an apology for missing class last week because he got lost on the mainland. Sucks to be you, mate.

In Japanese Art, Nathan gave the class a basic introduction to ikebana, or Japanese flower arranging, and Peter checked in to see what Nathan's doing with the flowers his shop provided. Steve was loitering around afterwards as well, and Nathan asked him how he feels about flowers, and pointed out he wouldn't be teaching about flower arrangements if everyone knew how to do them.

Philosophy of Food discussed foods that are common or valued in various cultures, while Hannibal reminded them they have a class project.

It was similarly quiet in town, except for Dante's blasting angry dance music and playing along on the guitar as a method of coping with the trauma of the screaming goat at Groovy Tunes. At the Magic Box, Jenkins opens a cupboard to discover chipmunks in flagrante delicto -- that's fucking shite. Don't tell me they're smart like the fucking squirrels -- and at Turtle and Canary, the Merchant of Miracles is dealing with a lovesick... the notes say 'unicorn,' but that's scratched out and some squirrel scribbled 'goat' in the margins. Is that why 'unicorn' always had quotations around it? Fucking hell, some Merchant of 'Miracles' if he doesn't know a bloody fucking goat when he's got one.

That's it, folks. Enjoy your weekend, Fandom.

Fucking hell. Morning, Fandom. Let's get this done.

Philosophy of Food met in the Danger Shop this week -- which sounds like the set up for a food fight, but that's not happening with Lecter -- and discussed how environment may or may not affect people's food choices and preferences. Japanese Art also used the Danger Shop, and learned to make traditional mochi, which the squirrels insist is an art. What the fuck is a mochi?

*squirrlish chittering*

There is a lot of fucking weird food out there, isn't there?

Mostly town dealt with the effects of the paint-rain. At Turtle and Canary, the Merchant of Miracles is annoyed and blaming Apu for his "unicorns" being bright red, despite the fact it's raining fucking paint, and he goes through the store's shampoo stock trying to clean them up... look, mate, if you're a fucking merchant of 'miracles,' fucking miracle it away. Fucking tosser conartists...

*chittering*

Yeah, but the con isn't my magic, Leroy, it's everything else. So fuck off.

At Syndulla Scrap, Hera is not fucking happy about being painted different colors because of the rain. Fuck off, Fandom, she's already a perfectly nice color. Leave the lady alone. Later on, Summer came in to see Hera's ship and have Chopper help her look over some maps. Dante was practicing his guitar skills at Groovy Tunes, and on the domestic end of town news, Kitty and Clint had pizza and talked about how some of his work friends turned out to be evil. Man, that always sucks. Sorry, mate.

That's it, Fandom. All the news unfit to print, delivered straight to your ears. You're welcome.

*click*

Morning, Fandom. Must be Saturday, and I'm John Fucking Constantine. New kids, you've survived your first week. I think. At least none of the notes say anyone died from the weirdness, so we'll go with that.

There were two classes up at the school: Philosophy of Food did the traditional first week introductions, though not before Hannibal went over the class rules. Japanese Art also did some introductions before Algren taught them a little bit about origami.

Summer was going around the dorms, putting up flyers advertising a party in the 2nd floor common room on Saturday night to celebrate making it through the first week of classes. You'll go far here, kid.

In similar fashion in town, Algren was passing out invitations for a teachers' party at his place on Sunday.

And down by the causeway, Anders and Dante got back from vacation, and noted that the island is still standing, but also that it felt weird being back, especially with Anders not being a student any more. Kathy was doing laps around the island when she sees they're back, and Anders apologized for not being able to give her an exact time for their arrival, but they're happy to see each other. Dante also got a sweaty hug from Kathy, and they discussed the possibility of future excursions.

And that's it. I'm out, Fandom. Try not to have too much fun.

What do you mean I should 'keep it clean, there's company'? Fuck that. This is John Fucking Constantine, and if you want my fucking news, you'll cope.

School was quite since there weren't classes. At the library, Lucille was reading a book while a bunch of smaller books chased each other around and she ignored them.

Town was a bit livelier. Dante was busy at Groovy Tunes, digging through the music selection. Though apparently he had an ultieror motive... since in the evening, Dante threw a party in one of the warehouses.
Lots of people showed up to indulge in some fun the night before graduation. Ada showed up extra glittery and shared some of her spare glitter with Dante, and Anders got a hug and she helped him glitter-up. Ahsoka's there and takes Dante up on his offer of a drink, opting for the sparkly super hard stuff. Rhys talked to Ahsoka all insistent that the place is a death trap and she pointed out there's no robots trying to kill you here. Point. Today. Peridot appeared to have second thoughts about showing up, and Dante's impressed that she did. She discovers she likes being glittered up, and he gave her a crash course in human dancing via YouTube.

Tali showed up, and Dante wanted to know if she ever takes the helmet off, or if she can even drink with it on. Tali didn't care, she just appreciated that he threw a party because there's dancing. Ada's glad to see Tali and they talk about going scavenging in the junkyard before dancing. Tali remembered Rhys from the whole thing with HAL in the Danger Shop, and they wonder about whether someone is going to drunkenly fall off the trampoline. Hell, that's half the fun.

Rhys is not at ALL convinced this is safe -- probably because this is Fandom -- and Dante gets him a bottle of glittery, fruity booze to calm him. Rhys also insisted to Anders that the booze and trampoline are a recipe for disaster, and somewhat convolutedly explained to Anders how he's not actually his normal age here. Kuzco wanted to know who invited Rhys, and this devolves about as well as you'd expect into an argument about whether llamas can drink alcohol and whether drunk llama emperors should go to the vet.

Kathy was lurking in the shadows with fruity booze and Dante offered to show her around since she doesn't know most of the people there.
Hyacinthe is there in glitter and tight tight leather pants; the alternate Fandom High uniform for men, I hear. Dante offers him glitter booze, and he enjoyed it, after being surprised at how sweet it is. Anders arrived with extra booze and was kind of sad about this being his last party as a student. Dante told him not to worry, he's gonna get laid so it can't end badly.

There was food and drinks for the party, and that's where Isabela was hanging out. She and Dante agree they're not going to be sober for graduation, and how her grad plans definitely involve Zevran and nudity. Anders wants to know when she's heading home, and she says she's planning on sticking around for the summer.

And because this is Fandom, and you might as well do dumb shite the night before graduation, there was a trampoline. Ada and Isabela bounce on the trampoline, agree that Dante had some ulterior motives in including it for the party, and wonder how many people they can fit on it. When Dante asks, Ada approved of his evil brilliance and got him to come join her instead of just looking up her skirt. Kathy wasn't sure about the trampoline, but Anders convinces her to join him on it.
Kuzco got on the trampoline and was regretting it. Probably because Rhys was filming him.

There were upstairs areas to hang out in for private-ish stuff, though Rhys was mostly just concerned about the mattresses being covered in venereal diseases. Mate, you know shite doesn't transfer that way, right? You might need another term of sex-ed.

That's it, Fandom. I'm going back to bed until graduation.

*click*

[WTF sorry guys I had no idea this post hadn't gone through before I left for work. My bad.]

THERE'S FUCKING RABBITS FUCKING RUNNING AROUND THE FUCKING ISLAND. Look, go talk to your cousins or what the fuck ever and tell them to lay off the fucking Gojria routine. Give a man a fucking heart-attack the fuck is wrong with them.

*anxious chittering*

No, I don't believe you. You're sentient rum-drinking squirrels. Of course you're related to giant bunnies. Now let's get this shit done.

School had classes. Practical Diplomacy discussed feeling unappreciated and unnoticed on the job, which is called being an adult, and what to do in that situation. Discovering Earth went to Japan to enjoy the cherry blossom festival Hanami. And Driver's Ed had to drive using GPS and learn how to suffer the voice telling them it's rerouting. I fucking hate that thing.

In town, Dante was messing around on the guitar and tripping on people in the process at Groovy Tunes. Minako is in town and visiting the Perk and talking a lot at the barista and Sparkle came in to meet her and worried that he was late; Minako says no, there was time travel wonkiness with her portal.

ONLY ON THIS DAMN ISLAND.

At Luke's, Parker was busy unnerving the staff by staring silently at them as long as possible and Eliot told her that she needed to calm down because her behavior was kind of freaking out the staff. Kathy wandered in and had a talk with Eliot about whether sleeping pills would help her and how she's holding up, and Kathy also spoke to Parker to order the veggie scramble.

That's it, I'm off to the library. If you're smart, you'll stay home.

*click*

Fine, let's do this.

Practical Diplomacy talked roommate problems and Discovering Earth went to Rome. Dante worked at Groovy Tunes, and Anders and Kathy had a movie date night in the dorms.

Fandom, you're slacking. I approve, and good night.

*click*

Morning, sunshines. Let's get you your gossip so I can go back to bed. Up at the school, Practical Diplomacy's torturous experience of the week is to deal with drunks at a diplomatic function while remaining totally sober. Fuck, no, that's not okay. Kids, I'm not saying the librarian has a stash, but I'm not saying the librarian doesn't have a stash.

*chittering*

Fuck you, I'm great with the students. No one said being a role model was part of it.

Discovering Earth was supposed to go to an artisan cheese festival, but thanks to Portalocity ended up in Gloucestershire at the cheese-rolling festival, and Driver's Ed practiced parking . . . by racing to the parking spaces. As one does. And my library was all dark red and 'kind of creepy' according to some scaredy-rodents, but Lucille didn't seem bothered in the slightest. Because she's got sense, most likely.

Meanwhile in town, At Groovy Tunes Dante was trying out some riffs with his guitar. Peter ended up arranging one corner of the shop with roses and music for some gremlins who seem to be having a romantic picnic at Covent Garden Flowers. Pretty new Hera's running the junkyard -- sorry, Syndulla's Scrap -- now, and wondering about some of the weird stuff in there, when Peridot arrived to go scavenging. After a few apprehensive moments -- most likely Dot being Dot -- Hera tried to help her figure out what components she needs to improve her solar-powered duck toaster. And that's why you've got the weird shite, love.

On the non-work side of things, Bucky was in his apartment having a beer and reading some birthday greetings from back home -- nice and low-key, mate. Happy returns and all that. Tony dropped by to give him a snazzy new phone as a present and also give him grief about being a hundred years old. I don't know if that means Tony was being an arse, or if Bucky's actually a hundred. Given Fandom... let's just go with 'yes.' Steve showed up with basically a giant sack of presents like a fucking Birthday Santa and a cake that probably had enough candles to set the building on fire...I was going to say the gossips are being melodramatic but apparently even Bucky even thought so, so for once they're accurate, and decided in the event of accidental arson that Steve gets to take all the blame. Seems fair.

That's your thrilling gossip for the day. John Constantine signing out, and remember, don't do anything I'd do.

*click*

Isn't it a break? Couldn't you shits have gotten someone on vacation to do this for you?

*urgent chittering*

FINE. Just. Give me the fucking papers and let's get this over with. Morning, Fandom, it's Saturday and you know the drill.

People were actually doing shite in town today. Allie was behind the bar at the Devil's Nest, playing on her phone because nobody's around, Jenkins was at the park, feeding the flamingoes and telling them they're used as croquet mallets in some dimensions -- can we make the squirrels the balls? -- and Hera stopped to gawk at the flamingoes while carrying a load of stuff. Jenkins was startled to meet an alien -- you must be new, mate -- but took the time to ogle her anyway before they talk about both being fairly new to the island, and their impressions of it so far.

Now, for those actually enjoying decent fucking weather on the trip... It was their last full morning there. Oh, poor babies. Atton has no regrets at all about basically living at the pool all week, the lazy arse. Nathan enjoyed the sushi kayak at the pool even though he wondered about people getting cramps from eating and swimming. Kitty's into the sushi kayak too, and promised to make sure he won't drown even if he does get cramps. Also they hadn't met yet so they do that introduction thing. Ahsoka was enjoying the jacuzzi while Sparkle was out at Turtle Beach, lounging in a hammock with lunch. Good choice, Sparkle. And to round out the morning, Isabela was taking advantage of the sailing at the Main Beach.

There were some special trips for everyone's last night there, including a catamaran trip to Eustatia Island, where Cosette was taking pictures of the sunset from one of the hiking trails and Tali was enjoying the music at the Crocodile Pavillion.

That's it, I'm out. Fresh meat, welcome to Fandom, and welcome back you vacationing fucks.

*click*

*sounds of microphone feedback and crashing*

Fuck me, I did not miss you little brutes. It's too early for this fuckery. Morning, Fandom. This is John Constantine, with your Saturday dose of unsavory gossip.

School was in session with Practical Diplomacy roleplayed situations in which they have to keep a straight face when dealing with someone who's being ridiculous. So, like teaching all you buggers. Discovering Earth was off to the San Diego Zoo. Remember kids, don't feed the animals. Lucille nodded off and dozed through most of her library shift, apparently, which, I can't blame her. I fall asleep in my office on the regular. And the StuCo met, with brownies, to discuss plans for the Valentine's Day dance.

Apparently town had a housewarning party going on for Raven and Kathy, who are officially moved into the apartment above Luke's. Suckers who showed up before party time got to help paint or assemble furniture. Alluka helped paint, and liked Raven's new plushie cactus while Kathy offered Alluka one of her old shirts to protect her from paint spatters. Ringo's there to help with furniture, but got foiled by evil IKEA assembly instructions -- sunshine, it's IKEA. They're incapable of being evil, they're just too bloody Lawful Good. There's a difference between evil and fucking confusing stick figures. Raven sympathized and Kathy was also confused at the terrible, terrible instructions

Kathy tried to sneak-paint-attack Raven, but that game got cut off quickly when both of them have their defensive instincts kick in a little too hard. Eliot shows up to help but Raven WILL NOT let him help in HER kitchen, dammit. The squirrels are strident about that, and I got no fucking clue why.

*chitters*

Nah, see, if someone wanted to do the work in my kitchen, more power to 'em. I'm a lazy asshole.

Kathy was struggling with changing the light fixtures, and Eliot helps her once he makes sure she didn't mean the fixtures were literally of the devil. Seriously, people, trust me. The lords of hell got better things to do. Anders tried to help with a bookshelf, but he didn't know where Dante was when Kathy asked.

There was also dinner, though the pot roast seemed to be an object of amusement. Alluka was disappointed at the lack of chocolate, and Ringo promised they can get some later on the way home. Kathy tries to get Alluka enthused about the red bean paste filling in the dessert instead -- fuck no, Alluka, hold out for chocolate -- and Ringo told Kathy she should get tribute or something for successfully assembling the damn chair:

Dinner didn't agree with Kathy, and Raven goes to check on her when she has to excuse herself from the table. But Eliot was sampling everything at the table, and Kathy fretting about whether the Korean food was too spicy; bollocks, a good heat is what makes Korean food good, and Anders was all about the bacon-wrapped potatoes and risotto, but Kathy tries to talk him into trying the bulgog. And luckily, Jalian made it in time for dinner:

That's it, Fandom. Now go enjoy a Saturday.

*click*

Morning, Fandom. We're back again, and I'm hung over so let's get this done so I can fucking go back to sleep.

You kids had school today. Discovering Earth takes a trip to Antarctica, mostly by helicopter, but there's warm gear for when they're actually on the ground. Practical Diplomacy's exercise for the day involves trying to figure out how to handle the problem of a dictator refusing to step down after being deposed. I mean, just trick him into selling his soul, or call in a favor, that's all I'm saying. In the library everything was invisible when Lucille arrived in the morning, and she ends up falling asleep by the time everything starts fading back into view.

Meanwhile in town Dante's blasting punk rock and playing guitar at Groovy Tunes. Finally, someone with bloody taste on this goddamn rock. Peridot was working at Stark's and ends up building a robotic duck over at Stark Industries after she fails to get JARVIS to eat the loaf of bread she's been carrying around. I don't even want to know.

Oh, ladies and gentlemen, we got fresh meat. Verity arrived in town via the causeway, with a gigantic Barbie Dream House and assorted suitcases, and realizes that carrying her luggage through Fandom is going to be a challenge. Yeah, the stairs are a bitch, love, welcome to the madhouse. Luckily Mike happens to be in the area and sympathizes with her on Fandom's lack of accessibility, before Verity takes him up on his offer of help by asking him to carry the Barbie Dream House on the trip over to the hotel.

And after her library shift, Lucille was in her room at the dorm, admiring her slightly wilted flowers and leaving a couple of books on Cassandra's bed. That's what I like about you, Lucille. Always offering a good book.

That's it, I'm out. This has been John Constantine and the Radio Squirrel Review, with all the news that's unfit to print.

*squirrlish cheers*
*click*

*clicking/static sounds*

--Fucking hell, you fuzzy perverts are back. What the hell? You came back in the middle of winter instead of road-trip for the year? You little shits really are gluttons for punishment.

*chittering*

No, I don't believe for a bloody moment you actually missed me. Now give me those notes so I can go the fuck back to sleep.

Right. It's Saturday, so this is John Constantine, and here's what the voyeurs saw yesterday. Don't blame me, blame the wildlife.

Friday apparently has three classes at school this semester, starting off a cheerful morning with Skywalker & Kenobi's Practical Diplomacy. You guys took popcorn to that, didn't you?

*frantic squeaking*

No, I don't want to know what 'fic' you wrote. Get over it.

Anyway, the kids had the figure out North Korea, with suggestions ranging from sanctions to aggressive negotiations to porn. I'm not even sure how that works, but sure, go wild. Discovering Earth with Jarrus and Lecter took their students to Austraila, a place where everything wants to kill you. So, not that much different from Fandom. And O'Conner is teaching Driver's Ed again. How the fuck does the school afford the insurance for all these kids behind the wheel? Of course, Lucille had the library open, where she thwarted the books' attempts to annoy her by ignoring them. Works for me, Lucy. Keep it up.

Town saw two of my aides working their other jobs -- I feel betrayed. Really. Peridot was comparing phones at Stark's while Rufus spent most of his Book Haven shift on his laptop. Groovy Tunes did not have a library aide working. Instead, Dante tried to convince the stereo not to play Nightcore covers. Jon, why the fuck are you even carrying any fucking nightcore? That's fucking bullshit.

That's all I have. Get used to the gossip, Fandom, they're back.

*squirrel cheers*

Yeah yeah, now pass me the whiskey you little--

*click*

Morning, Fandom. In case you haven't noticed, we've left civilization for fucking dinosaurs. Welcome to Dinotopia, kids, don't get eaten by anything.

Now at school, How to Win Friends had the class mingle to try and get candy from others, Throwing Shite ends in a pizza party -- no throwing of pizza, thank fuck, and Timeline Family Fun talked about things they might have missed covering. Meanwhile, Lucille was reading in the library and trying to ignore the books doing a choreographed dance.

Up in the dorms, Thorin was bored in the third floor common room and watching the Olympics. Lucille, shockingly, is not a sporting fan and ends up getting the remote from him to watch opera. You can watch opera on TV? Fuck, you learn something new every day.

And in town Dante was playing phone games at Groovy Tunes when Isabela stopped in with pizza and distraction and they made plans for later, discussing a both a private rendezvous and a beach blast. Seriously? Who the fuck wrote 'rendezvous' and 'beach blast' in to my notes. Fuck you. And at Stark Industries, Peridot spent the day working on a communicator she was programming into her screen.

That's it, folks. Please don't pet the dinosaurs.

*click*

How the fucking hell is it August? WHY is it August? Who thought August was a good idea in general? Moring, Fandom, this is John Constantine, and we are yet again parked underneath a sun that wants to kill us. Fun. Welcome to to Rirhath B.

Now up at the school, How to Win Friends talked about how to win people to your way of thinking. Gratuity saw that Kanan still has his dog, who he's currently calling Dog, and how easy it is to end up with a pet but how hard it can be to name them. And this is why we don't impulsively get pets, or babies. Names, people. Names are important. Throwing Things celebrated the Olympics -- it's already Olympics times? Christ -- with track and field throwing events. So You Just Met Your Relative From the Future discussed dopplegangers, and what to do if you met them. Did you mention holy water? Look, sometimes it's smart just to check and make sure they aren't demonic. Just saying. And over in the Lucille's in a bad mood but reading chapters from her favorite books.

Over in the dorms, Cassandra was in the fourth floor common space, trying to clean her armor after visiting the Rainbows R Us planet. Lucille hoped that the armor's not ruined, and they discussed Lucille's weeklong moth "dream" and what Anders is up to. Peridot offered to help Cassandra and somehow pulled the rainbow dust out of the armor, which left the question of what to with the stuff. Lucille offers a good morning and confuses Peridot some and they introduce themselves, which lead to confusion on how Peridot's a gem. Also Lucille brings up jewelry and gem harvesting...right. I'm sure that went well. And just outside the dorms, Jalian got showered by rainbow dust. Guess we just found out how Peridot got rid of the shite from Cassandra's armor!

Last but not least, some people braved town under the provided sunlight shield. Dante was in need of distraction at Groovy Tunes, so he wandered around the stacks, blasted music, and took a break to wander around town with his phone for an hour. For fuck's sake, kid, lay off the coffee and get some weed if you're that twitchy. At Stark Industries, Peridot was distracted, to the point that her toaster repairs were lighting bread on fire. Uh, that's a little too fixed, Perri. Toast should be crispy, not a crisp. And since we're finally on a planet where the sun fucking sets, Allie was able to work at Devil's Nest, which, happily, meant that Tiny wasn't running the show tonight, and Peter stopped in to say hello.

That's all I got, Fandom. Go forth, have fun, don't fall into any worldgates.

Oh for fuck's sake, what does a bloke have to do to sleep in on a fucking Saturday morning? Let's make this fast. At the school, How to Win People and Influence Friends had a hungover Kanan -- I feel you, mate -- and Bob describe how to handle people... the notes assure me it was Not Diry, as in getting people to open up to you -- not dirty -- you goddamn furry voyeurs have one-track minds. Students listened and observed, or "handled" their teachers very not dirty and people paired up to talk. Like Tip and Lucille, who tried to find out each others' taste in books, music, and dancing.

Speaking of Lucy, she had an easy day in the library for once as the books were cooperating for some reason. That usually means they're plotting something, love.

Fred was in a Mood during Throwing Things, so he demonstrated how to throw grenades and blow things up in the Danger Shop. Nice one, mate. Isabela, at least, got in the spirit and blew stuff up. In Timeline Family Fun, Obi-Wan was out this week, so Ben led a discussion on how you presented yourself and how other people might describe you. Ahsoka's answer led to her telling Ben a story about his own grandfather. And that, kids, is why I teach Sex Ed. Less messy, believe it or not.

Kanan was dealing with a hangover by having office hours -- mate, it doesn't work that way, they just make you want to drink more -- that he managed to turn into meditation. Bob stopped by to taunt Kanan about his hangover -- Bob, stop being a jealous nag. You're just annoyed he didn't invite you along for the drinking -- and they complained about Fandom transformations and magic powers.

In town there was apparently a class on Drinking Games and now I need to sign up for that class. Archer taught the group how to play I Never, even if he had trouble coming up with something he'd never done.

Dante was having a good day at Groovy Tunes playing with guitars and Jon showed up and tried to help Dante with his guitar selection. Peridot spent her day at Stark Industries trying to develop a tracker to help her find her missing foot, with little success. Tip stopped in to have Peridot fix her Boov gun, but was immediately sidetracked by the whole "missing foot" thing. That doesn't happen to everyone, after all.

Some bloke named Peter appeared suddenly, dazed and bloody in the middle of the street. Sucks to be you, mate. Welcome to Fandom. Sparkle spotted him and helped him up, and got him toward the hotel to get a room.

And last but not least, Hannibal surprised Jon with a birthday trip to Sweden that he had already packed for. Happy birthday, Jon. I woulda taken you to get shitfaced, but Sweden's got cute skiers.

That's it, I'm out of here. Have a good weekend, Fandom.

*click*

Fuck...you little fuzzy bastards, you followed me to fucking Baltimore? I'm still fucking drunk and that bed is warm, why the fuck couldn't you find someone else to do your fucking gossip session?

*chittering*

Shut the fuck up, Leroy, I didn't ask for your commentary on my personal life choices. John Constantine, here for the fucking radio, broadcasting from a scenic fucking Baltimore motel, where these stalkers followed me. Let's make this quick.

At the school, How to Win Friends and Influence People talks about the book they're using, and the kids introduce themselves with what they want from the class. Obi-Wan taught alone today, minus his co-teacher, with So You Just Met a Relative from the Future, explaining the class and making the kids do more introductions.

And in town, Dante was in a good mood at Groovy Tunes, and decided to keep that up by distracting himself at work. Good choice, mate, gold star, and now I am going back to bed and you bloody arseholes need to get out of my bathroom.

*click*

Morning, Fandom. Constantine here, and in case you hadn't noticed, we aren't in Kansas -- or Concordia -- anymore. Our current stop is Eternia. The fuck kind of name is that? I'd rather we'd stayed at fucking Moxxi's.

Anyway. Up at the school, because we don't let you hooligans have a proper summer holiday, there were classes. Supervillainy and You made grudge lists, which seems quite a high school thing to do. Fun with Magic had a movie day, and Fun with Timelines talked about bringing people back to your home and the awkward that can happen. Lucille dealt with the absence of sound in the library, which is worse than them being little rats.

Not much more was going on in town. Hannibal was cooking and listening to music at home when Sparkle showed up to check in on him and say he might be leaving for a while. Dante showed up for his first day of work at Groovy Tunes with a new haircut and some aggrotech on the music system. Jon, give that kid some decent punk, will you? For fuck's sake. Peridot spent her shift at Stark's continuing to overdo repairs a little while trying to work out possible designs for Tony's armor. And at Luke's they had to deal with Parker watching the freezer intently, which made the staff watch both her and the freezer intently, just in case something jumped out. Because that's how Fandom rolls.

That's it, I'm out. Time to see if fucking Eternia has decent beer.

*click*