WTFH

Willow: Hello Fandom. Welcome to this, a very sad and woeful edition of WTFH radio.

Xander: What's with the woe? It's not our last broadcast.

Willow: School is over! We did classes, and finals, and - and - *loud sound of a nose being blown*

Xander: You're cute when you're cutely insane.

Willow: Am I cute to the point of getting a grade?

Xander: ...Yes. You get an A+ in cute. With extra credit for the insanity.

Willow: So more like an A++?

Xander: 5.2 on 4.0 scale. Or possibly the Richter Scale.

Willow: Yay! Then we can go on with the news! ( Of a pre-graduation nature. )

Willow: Hi Fandom! This is Willow Rosenberg, happy to be doing radio instead of being in the past where, while radio did exist, it was in no way the same.

Xander: And this is Xander Harris, what she said. Also, happy to have my co-host back, and not just because if she stayed in the past I'd have ended up doing radio with the Sockpuppet of Love. Uh, if I hadn't ended up in the past too.

Willow: We didn't even end up together! I didn't have you, Peter wasn't even born yet - I tell ya if it wasn't for Mel and the brothel the past would've totally sucked.

Xander: ...............

Willow: What?

Xander: You and Mel went to a brothel?

Willow: Pffft. Not went. Worked.

Xander: ...And Peter's okay with this?

Willow: Well we started talking about it and then we got distracted with Narnia and proclamations and there was official language and seals and - ahem. News now?

Xander: Yeah, we better. I'm still processing brothel. I don't think I wanna try to figure out what you did with the seals.

Willow: Only one seal! Not that I would've minded more, but you know me. Anyway! ( News of a Fandomish sort! )

Willow: Hi everybody! Willow Rosenberg here with - OOF!

*sounds of excited, pouncing squirrels*

Willow: Oh hi guys! Hi! I missed you too! Hi!

Xander: You know, if you and the squirrels want some alone-time...

Willow: Don't be silly. I'm seeing someone. Also? So is one of the squirrels apparently. So if Teyla - if that is your real name - is listening, I would like to say that if you hurt any of their wee squirrel hearts I will cut your head off and put it on a neatly-labeled spike. Um - actual spike, not the vampire Spike. Though that would be bad too.

Xander: Er... could we talk about something that doesn't involve you removing people's necessary bodily organs? No reason. Just makes me twitchy.

Willow: I could offer to cut off her fingers?

Xander: Have I mentioned I'm glad you're my best friend in the world for ever and ever?

Willow: I feel some things should be clear, is all. Oo! Like your name. Introduce yourself. Doing radio is kind of like doing AA only everyone drinks rum instead of coffee. So like a celebrity version of AA, really.

Xander: Hi, I'm Xander, and I'm a twinkaholic.

Willow: Oh! Those come in banana flavor now! I've been meaning to tell you.

Xander: I kind of like the traditional cream filling.

Willow: I know. But this way you could have all the benefit of eating fruit without any of those nasty vitamins or actual food particles getting in the way.

Xander: There's a reason she's my best friend in the world forever and ever, boys and girls. Speaking of, don't we have some actual news to report on those types?

Willow: We do! Allow me: ( In spite of certain internet connections being PURE EVIL OMG )

Fandom! Hi! Oh my gosh it's Willow Rosenberg reporting on behalf of WTFH where today those initials stand for What The Frak Happened because OH MY GOD THE SCHOOL!!!

Uh... I mean spoiler! If you didn't want to know the ending yet.

Anyway, let me get these things in order. Make yourselves comfortable because this'll take a while. You may want to hit the bathroom before I start. I'll wait.

...

Okay, ( On to the news! )

Hello Fandom! This is Willow Rosenberg, reporting to you for WTFH radio where this week the W stands for Whee! Finals! I know we're all excited about putting all of our studying and hard work to good use. And by good use I mean getting a grade which validates everything we are as human beings. Assuming it's an A plus plus. Anything less means you've been invalidated and the only way to redeem yourself is by doing extra credit and/or locking yourself in your room and crying until you get totally dehydrated and your head hurts. Or, if you're me, you do both.

So good luck for finals! Now ( On to the news )

Hello Fandom! This is Willow Rosenberg reporting to you on behalf of Fandom radio where I have been told by the squirrels to assure everyone that I am not - repeat not wearing a Renfaire costume and acting like it's a perfectly normal outfit. I have no idea why the squirrels were concerned by this possibility, but concerned squirrels are a very sad thing and I much prefer to turn their frowns upside down. So right now it's a regular ol' skirt and shirt, and after I do my reporting it will be snuggly jammies, courtesy of Annette. I hope that clears up any sartorial confusion.

( On to the news! )

Hello Fandom! This is an older and wiser Willow Rosenberg reporting to you on behalf of WTFH radio, where this week the T stands for "even Though it's Willow's birthday, she's still here to report the news because that's the kind of dedication to duty that she has." It is, granted, a long slogan but that's why we don't include that one on the bumper stickers.

I'd like to take a moment here to thank everybody who came to the party yesterday so that I was free to do radio today, and those who got me presents, and my wonderful boyfriend for... well, he knows how we celebrated. And also the squirrels who got me this cupcake with a candle in it. It's not an Anders cupcake but I don't think Anders speaks squirrel and anyway it's the thought that counts.

So thanks everybody!

( Now on to the news! )

Hi Fandom! Since not everybody is lucky enough to speak Spanish I thought I'd put up an English translation of last night's news. :D
( Cut to save flists )

[ooc: Uploaded to the same place that hosts the radio podcasts. No links since you can use Nadia's report for those. This is just to provide folks with an IC way for them to find out what happened yesterday if they don't speak Spanish.]

Hello Fandom! This is Willow "I am absolutely convinced the rule about getting drunk is a trap" Rosenberg, reporting to you for WTFH where this week none of those letters stand for Purim because there is no W, T, F, or H in that word. Though you could make an H sound if you try doing that throat-cleary noise that some of our other words are made up with.

The news shall be quick tonight because I still have baskets to put together and anybody who thinks that I am throwing myself into the holiday just because my boyfriend is out of town and I only have so many coping mechanisms for this kind of abandonment is....

Yes, so, news!

School!

Nothing. It's Spring break, which is the kind of horrible cruelty that tempts me to up my holiday-related drinking past the level of root beer, but luckily we all have Monday to look forward to.

Dorms, which are dormy!

Mac makes Snickerdoodles which are absolutely not made of people unless said people are themselves made out of tofu. Jude comes in and has a meet cute with the couch, which results in a long-lasting relationship where Jude makes pancakes on sticks and the couch allows Jude to have a place to sit while he eats them.

Luke watches Alton Brown on the television. Was Bourdain, Vampire Hunter on after? I'm dying to see that one. I hear he does interesting things with chopsticks. Tori comes in and finds out that the Luke/Spring Break/Ethics class/Skywalker family situation more than rivals any soap opera that could be found on TV, unless the soap opera was named something like "Guess Who's Dad Is Not Only Not So Much Dead Anymore But Is Also In Charge of Your GPA." Or, as they call it on Telemundo, Mi vida es extraño.

Marco spent 12 hours playing video games, which clearly shows that he's an amateur at this. Billy - hi Billy! - comes in looking for Ami but finds no luck or, for that matter, Ami. Tori asks what's the up and finds out that Ami is either missing or has recently figured out how to become invisible.

Valentine is back and discovers that 6 hasn't left for a week, which gives me cognitive dissonance given that weeks have seven days in them and I feel there should be matchiness here. Liz is abducted from her room and much as I do love the squirrels that work here I can't help but feel that one of them maybe should've tried the option of putting down their pencil and maybe attempting to stop the kidnapping. Does anyone know if Liz is okay?

Sakurazaki is surprised to wake up with Ranma who is a girl. Come talk to me when the word 'pony' is involved. Marie is home again which - YAY!!!! Also Zuko is going because apparently he believes that one student enters and the other must leave. Annette wakes up to find D... okay I am not reading the notes that are nothing but dirty jokes, people. I can't afford the FCC fines.

Anders hangs out in the garage and bumps into Alanna, hopefully not with anything stored in the garage because that would be ouchy. Ami vanishes, which explains the earlier bit about people looking for her, though again invisibility is not ruled out here as an option. Particularly since Anders later tries to see Isabel but can't, so clearly this is going around.

Mel and Zuko talked, and my note here says "by which we mean argued, by which we mean there may or may not have been bloodshed, by which we mean same old same old for Zuko and Mel." Chad plays his loud guitar in a tune of "Summon Pippi Through Window." Annette stops by to see if he's okay.

Isabel goes to see Peter of the Parker variety. Billy is abducted as is John Connorand - ack! Are we being invaded by trolls again? Stop talking to strange women! This does not end well!

Parker looks for stuff on her computer. Try the missing students. At this school they could totally be in there. Isabel tells Parker and Jack she's going home tomorrow. Wouldn't the start of Spring Break been better for this? She also tells Greg and if he needs any sympathy on the being without your snugglebuddy front, I am so there for him. Parker and Jack are also not so thrilled to be Isabelless, and Jack turns to space vodka and the company of Sam who is not a Winchester to help deal with it.

Finally, Marie and Jamie compare Spring Breaks. I am not even going to try guessing which one of them had the weirder one.

Town, which has a je ne sais Towniness

Laura Roslin returns home, as does Miss Frizzle. Weiss and Parker have a picnic. The twins tinker at Sparky Repairs, and I applaud their alliteration. The post office is open and Buffy comes in, demanding her Cosmo. Do not get in her way with that, she will totally turn those perfume samples into lethal weapons. And Anakin and Rose meet up outside of the best apartment building in town.

The Devil's Nest is open, as is Dancing In The Street Because We Don't Allow It Here. I'm told to add that Ellen has a love of disco, though I'm not sure if we're talking about the genre of music or possibly a new resident of Fandom. Also Cafe Fina hears Avon calling, though it could be land sharks.

The clinic is quiet in the morning but not so much at night when Dr. Wilson brings in a hurt Anders and Bridge - oh no!! Take very good care of them, please! Also Nadia is talking to her hand. This could be problematic if the hand is talking back or if the phrase "sockpuppet of love" comes into the equation.

And then we have two varieties of action and adventure! I'll take these alphabetically with number one being Aliens!

See, Tori got abducted in the park and Pippi found an invisible ship which, let's face it, is very hard to do, but having found said ship which is related to all the people vanishing means that Pippi totally gets her rumble on. And Tori and Setsuna fight aliens! As do Rose and Wade! And Wade says it's time to stab everything with tentacles which, frankly, considering the history of tentacles and Fandom I'd like to declare that it's always time to do that, since tentacles seem to have a difficulty with behaving themselves.

Then we have the second round of excitement where Dr. Wilson and Mr. Phale open up their house for visitors. Wyatt asks if Mr. Phale knows magic and is then told that he's dumber than Faithful but considering that this is Faithful we're talking about it's safe to say that Faithful's of the opinion that everyone is dumber than him, except for possibly Faithful's clone.

Nadia arrives and is given tea, so you know this adventure is sponsored by a British person. Alanna talks with Dr. Wilson about who's staying behind. Phoebe thanks Dr. Wilson for his help - these things can be said with cookies, I find. Or gift baskets which I really have to get back to because boy you do not want these things around when Passover starts. Chris talks with Dr. Wilson about a trip to Hell. Which one? Also you should really consider saving your frequent flier miles for a slightly better destination. Blair arrives and he and Mr. Phale touch base about the situation. Bridge and Anders show up and boy I wish I could go back in time and warn them to duck whatever thing it is that puts them in the clinic. Then again I'm sure Bridge and Anders wish they could do that too.

Wyatt tells Phoebe to be careful. Phoebe tells Wyatt to stop stating the obvious. Mr. Phale and Dr. Wilson join everyone in the study, hopefully without ropes or candlesticks or lead pipes of any kind. Lana wanders in and gets the date of upness regarding what's going on, and then Phoebe starts a spell and then I don't have anymore notes because eep and spell and Hell trips and everyone had better be really okay with this and the alien stuff because I'm already dealing with one missing person in my life and I don't need another!

So there.

Now to get back to those baskets. Good night Fandom!

Hello Fandom! This is Willow Rosenberg reporting on behalf of WTFH, where this week the W in that stands for 'weetiny' and the W in my name continues to stand for Willow.

( News! News of a big and small nature! )

Hello Fandom! This is Willow Rosenberg, reporting to you from Fandom radio because there's news that needs reporting and no other radio station has asked me to do it. Though imagine how confused the listening audience of, say, KROQ would be to hear about gremlins and shadows and people hanging out in common rooms that aren't five. Just as well we stick with this one. Though it occurs to me I don't actually know our call letters. My gut instinct? WARR. Though that looks like war misspelled. Oh!! WRUM! There we go. Much better.

( On to the news! )

Hello everybody! This is Willow Rosenberg, reporting for Fandom Radio: Action News!

Actually this is just regular Fandom Radio, but I thought calling it Action News might pep it up a little. Of course the flip side is that if it was called that I'd feel like I had to do things to match up with it, like leap into my chair when I came in and frankly with my level of body coordination that's just going to result in me falling and the chair going all over the place, and the biggest news of the night would be how I'm dead of a broken neck on the floor of the news station only with me being dead there'd be nobody to report it and I'd just sit here rotting until the squirrels could wake somebody up to tell them and like that's gonna be easy to do late on a Saturday so now my body won't be discovered until Sunday night and with us doing the new radio tryouts there's no guarantee that the person who came in would even know that there isn't supposed to be the decaying corpse of a redhead sprawled across the floor so how are they going to know to tell anyone so I could be lying here for days and days so really I think the best thing for all concerned is if we stick to calling it Fandom Radio.

Whew. Glad that's settled. ( On to the news! )

Hello Fandom! This is Willow Rosenberg reporting to you on this lovely Christmas Eve Eve where this week our motto is Look out! Incoming mistletoe!

No, really. It just hit me in the eye. Ow! Look, I can't kiss anyone. My boyfriend isn't here and while the squirrels are very nice we don't have that kind of relationship. Now go sit over there and think of nog until I get back to the dorms, okay?

Other than mistletoe with yenta issues, it's been a fairly quiet day here in Fandom. Undoubtedly because everyone is practicing the snug-bed nestle so that when tomorrow comes they can get it right. Those of you who worship Santa definitely do not want to mess this up and totally bypass snug and end in the land of stirring. It leads to getting slipper socks for Christmas. And it doesn't matter what size your foot is, you're just going to get medium.

Anyway, on to the news.

Oh School, how can you leave us?

School was... Was... Oh god I can't even say it. This is so depressing. I took a chemistry final today. I wasn't in any chemistry classes this year but the thought of spending days and weeks without homework or grades is just... *sniffle*

Hermione knows what I'm talking about. Which makes me realize we should form a support group. Maybe for our field trips we could go to detention and watch as Seely gets denied access to any information about his GPA. I know I'd die if that was me.

Dorms, which fortunately don't leave us because otherwise we'd be homeless and at that point all we need is a grumpy old man who's forgotten the meaning of the holidays and we're halfway to a themed movie of the week starring Meredith Baxter-Birney.

Cameron heads out of town. One assumes his torso and other body parts went with him. Jaye gives out presents and I don't want to spoil how it ends but let's just say that Sam, Dean, Peter Parker, and Alec all have thank you notes that I'm sure they're currently in the middle of writing.

Jack and Sam spend the morning together. No one writes little ditties about this, which personally I think is a shame. Dean and Sam hang out and do things of a holidayish nature, but I won't say who for in case it's a surprise.

Jack prepares to imitate Cameron, though I assume with a different location in mind. On the other hand this is Jack. It's entirely possible he and Cameron are having a secret rendezvous involving rum, cocoa butter, and significant looks shared over a backgammon table. Either way Isabel, Parker, and Cedric stop by to help out with the so longing and farewelling.

This morning in the Third Floor Commong Room Schrodinger encourages us all to read up on the history of JFK. Walter has bacon, oatmeal, and tea and questions Schrodinger on his origins. Well, Walter, when a mommy Schrodinger and a daddy Schrodinger have figured out whether they're making enough post-tax income and have written up an agreement on maintaining equality within their partnership in spite of gender-based contributions towards the biological end goal of their shared resources, they head on down to the cabbage patch and ask the little elves very nicely if a baby can come home with them.

Finally, Pippi declares herself a donut, a roll, and a pancake but fortunately Jude was up on the fourth floor today otherwise Pippi may have gotten a stick shoved in her. I know she's not a vampire but that'd still hurt like the dickens.

By the way, why does Charles Dickens want to hurt people so much? I never understood that.

In the coolest common room ever Molly makes cookies. My name is Willow Rosenberg and I support this food-based activity. Dawn lends a hand - not literally, Molly isn't making Snickerdoodles here - and the two of them discuss Christmas, spring break, and vampires who are apparently obsessed with what happens when bats go to the bathroom. And now I am too. Do they do it in some kind of special way? Is toilet paper involved like it is with bears?

Alec gets appointed Dean Lookalike In Charge of Frosting. Which is a lucky thing because while I'm sure Ray could do a bang-up job in the frosting department, he's not so great on the first half of that title.

Alec also learns about the true meaning of Christmas, which is namely to eat as much raw cookie dough as you can get your hands on 'cause yum.

Fandom Town, where the warmth of the holidays is in the air except for how it's all cold and snowy

Ivanova's ship lands in the park and River and Blair go to meet her.

At what one assumes is not the same time Phale, Dr. Wilson, Lucifer, and Jesse have a drunken snowball fight in the park. How do you get snowballs drunk without melting them? Plus as the snowballs old enough to be drinking? Winter's only just started. I say be on the safe side and card first.

Hawkeye writes a letter home. Hopefully without anyone throwing bottles at him. Or throwing anything else, actually. Including those poor snowballs because if you move them around too much they're just going to get urpy and then it's snowball puke all over the place. For the record I am not cleaning that up, people.

We Can Dance When We Want To So Long As It's Elsewhere has its Second Annual Three Minute Dates. Some hang out at the bar before this begins. Try not to sit on the snowballs. Your pants will get all wet. Plus the snowballs will die.

Dating begins. It keeps going but with different people. It approaches things from another angle. It turns its head and tries a different angle from that one. It reaches the end, triumphant but dizzy! And then people flip a coin and figure out who they should go home with. Which is impressive because you don't often see five-sided coins around here.

And that's all the news I've got. This is Willow Rosenberg, signing off and wishing you and yours a happy holidays! Have a Snoopy dance on me!

Night!

Hello Fandom! Willow Rosenberg here, reporting for Fandom Radio while in the safety of this radio booth and not, for instance, on a stage which I think we can all agree brings nothing but trauma and heartache and very possibly bad grades. Not that I'm worried about that or anything. Ahem.

( On to the news! )

Hello, Fandom! This is Willow Rosenberg, reporting to you from Fandom Radio, where we are thankful for pirates, the first amendment, and squirrels who can both write and look fetching in their little Press hats. Though this does make you wonder if the other squirrels feel that their heads are naked, or just more susceptible to helping them catch cold. I realize science is now saying that getting a chill has nothing to do with coming down with a cold, but personally I think that's just a huge conspiracy that started when a scientist and a hat maker got into a fight. It was horrible. Holidays were very awkward at their house for at least a year.

( Anyway... )

Hello, Fandom! This is Willow Rosenberg, speaking to you on behalf of Fandom Radio and also, if we're going to be technical, with my voice. Though I'm told I can also speak with very expressive hand gestures and eye movements when the situation calls for it. But this is Fandom Radio and not Fandom TV...and oh my god how awesome would THAT be? But, uh, anyway, point being that you can't see me so I'm sticking with verbal for now.

On to the news!

( News, glorious news )

Hello Fandom! Willow Rosenberg here, reporting on behalf of Fandom Radio, where this week our motto is "All the news that squirrels care to report, and for the love of coffee and chocolate don't forget to set your clocks back one hour tonight or else you'll get up at the wrong time, miss everything you need to be punctual for, possibly even miss classes on Monday, and then you'll fail out of school and end up spending the rest of your life with nothing but bitterness and regret and all because you couldn't set your clocks back one frikkin' hour when you were told to!."

It's a specific motto, and perhaps not very catchy, but it carries a message and I think that's more meaningful.

On to the news!( Over this-a way! )

Hi Fandom! This is Willow Rosenberg, coming to you on Saturday the 14, a day which doesn't have nearly the kind of PR that Friday the 13th does, but frankly not all days need to be showoffs and I think we should commend today for being so well versed in the fine art of modesty.

But let's not linger on the personalities of our days, because that way lies wondering if Mondays have a horrible persecution complex and if I start thinking about that I'm going to be up all night. Instead: news!

( This way... )

Hello, Fandom. Willow Rosenberg here, reporting the news as though that's going to somehow matter in the face of the meaninglessness of life, the universe, and the fact that I can't finish writing this poem because I don't know what rhymes with razor blades.

Sure, I suppose in the end someone could point out that I don't have it so bad. My parents pull in five figures a year. I go to an exclusive private school. My boyfriend is really, seriously hot. But then again isn't having everything just another way to have nothing? I tried to express all these feelings in a painting but for some reason the store was completely out of black. I tried using a really dark pink but it just wasn't the same.

Sigh.

Anyway...( Fandom Rademo )

Hi, Fandom! Willow Rosenberg here, reporting for Fandom Radio where our motto is "All the news that's fit for squirrels to print, because if you think we could pay human beings below minimum wage to comb through hours of security camera footage of you guys sitting around in a common room on the odd chance that in hour sixteen one of you gets naked and/or makes with the boykissy, man are you sadly mistaken."

Which I have to admit leads me to several questions. Why not have a shorter motto? Are the squirrels paid so little because they make it up in tips? Who knew squirrels were that fascinated by boykissy? Perhaps more importantly, why are they that fascinated by boykissy? Shouldn't they be more into squirrelkissy? This is going to keep me up all night, I can tell.

Anyway, on to the news! ( Your flist will thank me )