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fandom_radio2012-07-06 09:13 am
boobs-and-evil.livejournal.com) wrote in fandom_radio2012-07-06 09:13 am
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Fandom Radio, Friday, July 6th
Welcome back, and hello to the new people who seem to have sprung up around here. I'm Callie Maggotbone, I have mimosas, and I read the news and gossip viciously about all of you. Sometimes I make up things that aren't real. Here's how you can tell what's real and what isn't: if it sounds deranged and like it doesn't make any sense, it's probably real, and if I'm just adding bits about people stabbing each other or having gratuitous sex, that's probably made up. Except for when all of you have sex and stab each other. Now would be a good time for you to learn nuance, hmm?
SCHOOL
So let's see what classes we have this time around, and whether I'm going to have to change any of the names. First there's Practical Squiring, wherein the teacher actually showed up in a full knight's costume. Like a suit of armor? In this heat? Did he proceed to fall over dead? There were introductions, but apparently the teacher wanted to know what House everyone was from, and why there were girls in the classes. So I'm going with "Medieval Chauvinists" for $500, Alex.
Next class was something calling itself Fandom Trail, where the kids had to introduce themselves, but with fake personalities. Damn. Why didn't I think of that? It would mean I don't have to hear about any of my students' boring lives and instead I can assign them interesting famous people to talk about. That's a total win-win.
There was also a Summer Vacation 101 class -- okay, wow, I'm going to applaud whoever's teaching that. I went for corrupting young minds. I didn't even think about just putting down 'vacation' as a class topic. That takes huevos. So the students introduce themselves, and talk about where they've gone on vacation, and can I say that Hell is lovely this time of year? Lots of souvenir keychains.
Lastly there's a class with some guy called Thor and -- okay, I think the squirrels are in love with him or something? The notes are all in huge capital letters and there are big hearts in the margins and -- seriously, you know that's creepy, right?
*INDIGNANT CHITTERING*
Everyone swooned over Thor. Note to self: meet Thor, evaluate swoon-worthiness. Note to Thor: I happen to be a succubus. I'm just saying. Right, back to the notes. The students, and I hope you're sitting down for this, all introduced themselves, and this time they talked about myths. Like the one about guys with big shoes? Miriam says myths are fucked up, especially the one where a guy gives birth to an eight-legged horse. Which pisses off Loki, because, you know, you give birth to one eight-legged horse ...
By the way, kids, there's a good example of stuff I don't make up: students teasing each other about their freak bestial offspring.
DORMS
In the fourth floor common room, Alec Lightwood had Chinese food and was trying to make sense of reality TV. Oh, that's easy. They put people in a house, haul in crates of alcohol, and then manufacture drama via editing tricks, out-of-context quotes, and staged fights. It helps to get narcissists, insecure people and drama whores to start with. It's like a soap opera but with shitty actors, no scripts and absolutely no point. My favorite is Night Terrors.
So anyway, Fawn tries to sneak in, but fails at being a ninja when Alec actually sees her and offers her food, which means she must relinquish her ninja sword and sit down and actually talk to him like a normal human being. And Mercy checks up on Alec to see how he's settling in. Well, he's discovered reality TV. Now someone show him Jerry Springer. I want to see the newbies weep for humanity.
Room 227: Natalie is a snake but she changes back in time for her boyfriend Sam to appreciate her nudity. Juliet in 327 is packing and does not know how to explain her pet lemur -- who is actually her twin brother -- to her family. Oops! Also packing is Stacey McGill in 205, who is piling through her closet for clothes to take. Ugh, packing for long trips. I never bring the right shoes.
I think the animal thing is contagious, because one of the professors, Romeo Montague, turns into a baby puma while reading poetry in his office. No word on whether the puma also liked poetry. I don't speak puma.
TOWN
April is terrorizing clerks at the Perk by constantly redoing her drink order, and then not using headphones on her laptop. Atton drops by, and they talk about how people onscreen are idiots. Then they order cheesecake, and that's probably a euphemism for kinky sex in the bathroom. See, kids, that's the kind of thing I do make up. You can tell because it's interesting.
Tara opens the Magic Box, and tells Kennedy about her upcoming orientation weekend at college. It doesn't mention cheesecake here but fine, kinky sex in the bathroom for them, too. K-Mart -- wait, really? -- doesn't have any visitors at Nast Sporting Goods, so she takes her aggression out on the displays. William also can't get any bathroom cheesecake with his nonexistent drop-ins at Stark Industries, so instead he yells at the squirrels for playing with explosives. It's called displacement.
Lastly, Kenzi offered free Jell-O shots to new students at Caritas. I bet it was a ploy, and there was cheesecake waiting in the bathroom. You have to watch out for subliminal messages, kids.
I'm out of notes, I'm out of champagne, and I have to go find this Thor person and see what kind of cheesecake he likes. Until next week, if I still feel like doing it then.
SCHOOL
So let's see what classes we have this time around, and whether I'm going to have to change any of the names. First there's Practical Squiring, wherein the teacher actually showed up in a full knight's costume. Like a suit of armor? In this heat? Did he proceed to fall over dead? There were introductions, but apparently the teacher wanted to know what House everyone was from, and why there were girls in the classes. So I'm going with "Medieval Chauvinists" for $500, Alex.
Next class was something calling itself Fandom Trail, where the kids had to introduce themselves, but with fake personalities. Damn. Why didn't I think of that? It would mean I don't have to hear about any of my students' boring lives and instead I can assign them interesting famous people to talk about. That's a total win-win.
There was also a Summer Vacation 101 class -- okay, wow, I'm going to applaud whoever's teaching that. I went for corrupting young minds. I didn't even think about just putting down 'vacation' as a class topic. That takes huevos. So the students introduce themselves, and talk about where they've gone on vacation, and can I say that Hell is lovely this time of year? Lots of souvenir keychains.
Lastly there's a class with some guy called Thor and -- okay, I think the squirrels are in love with him or something? The notes are all in huge capital letters and there are big hearts in the margins and -- seriously, you know that's creepy, right?
*INDIGNANT CHITTERING*
Everyone swooned over Thor. Note to self: meet Thor, evaluate swoon-worthiness. Note to Thor: I happen to be a succubus. I'm just saying. Right, back to the notes. The students, and I hope you're sitting down for this, all introduced themselves, and this time they talked about myths. Like the one about guys with big shoes? Miriam says myths are fucked up, especially the one where a guy gives birth to an eight-legged horse. Which pisses off Loki, because, you know, you give birth to one eight-legged horse ...
By the way, kids, there's a good example of stuff I don't make up: students teasing each other about their freak bestial offspring.
DORMS
In the fourth floor common room, Alec Lightwood had Chinese food and was trying to make sense of reality TV. Oh, that's easy. They put people in a house, haul in crates of alcohol, and then manufacture drama via editing tricks, out-of-context quotes, and staged fights. It helps to get narcissists, insecure people and drama whores to start with. It's like a soap opera but with shitty actors, no scripts and absolutely no point. My favorite is Night Terrors.
So anyway, Fawn tries to sneak in, but fails at being a ninja when Alec actually sees her and offers her food, which means she must relinquish her ninja sword and sit down and actually talk to him like a normal human being. And Mercy checks up on Alec to see how he's settling in. Well, he's discovered reality TV. Now someone show him Jerry Springer. I want to see the newbies weep for humanity.
Room 227: Natalie is a snake but she changes back in time for her boyfriend Sam to appreciate her nudity. Juliet in 327 is packing and does not know how to explain her pet lemur -- who is actually her twin brother -- to her family. Oops! Also packing is Stacey McGill in 205, who is piling through her closet for clothes to take. Ugh, packing for long trips. I never bring the right shoes.
I think the animal thing is contagious, because one of the professors, Romeo Montague, turns into a baby puma while reading poetry in his office. No word on whether the puma also liked poetry. I don't speak puma.
TOWN
April is terrorizing clerks at the Perk by constantly redoing her drink order, and then not using headphones on her laptop. Atton drops by, and they talk about how people onscreen are idiots. Then they order cheesecake, and that's probably a euphemism for kinky sex in the bathroom. See, kids, that's the kind of thing I do make up. You can tell because it's interesting.
Tara opens the Magic Box, and tells Kennedy about her upcoming orientation weekend at college. It doesn't mention cheesecake here but fine, kinky sex in the bathroom for them, too. K-Mart -- wait, really? -- doesn't have any visitors at Nast Sporting Goods, so she takes her aggression out on the displays. William also can't get any bathroom cheesecake with his nonexistent drop-ins at Stark Industries, so instead he yells at the squirrels for playing with explosives. It's called displacement.
Lastly, Kenzi offered free Jell-O shots to new students at Caritas. I bet it was a ploy, and there was cheesecake waiting in the bathroom. You have to watch out for subliminal messages, kids.
I'm out of notes, I'm out of champagne, and I have to go find this Thor person and see what kind of cheesecake he likes. Until next week, if I still feel like doing it then.