Radio, Saturday April 22, 2006

[whitedeathpod.livejournal.com]

JOHN: Hello all you prom going girls and guys out there! This is John with an 'h' coming at you live. I've been to prom, I've lived prom and I've kicked prom's ass!

RITA: Oh, ick, you're here.

JOHN: What the heck are you doing here? Prom date stand you up?

RITA: No, I got bored. Are you doing radio? Who are you impersonating this week?

JOHN: No, I'm not doing radio. I'm attempting to liberate a small country in Europe through only the power of my voice. Of course, I'm doing radio.

RITA: You're doing it wrong. Let me see those notes.

JOHN: Hands off the goods, lady.

RITA: Oy, I wasn't after your "goods." It's your own fault for shifting that way.

JOHN: Anyone out there that's listening and who does radio? Is there a some kind of spray I can use to get rid of her?

RITA: Oh, hush. Now...*shuffling papers* let's see. There was some sort of...thingy tonight, wasn't there?

JOHN: Please tell me you're not planning on staying...

RITA: You obviously need supervision.

JOHN: You've obviously been hit on the head. I don't need supervision.

RITA: Yes, you do. Otherwise you might electrocute yourself or something.

JOHN: Don't you have to take your Metamucil or something? Keep you regular?

RITA: I don't know what that means. Now hush and tell the nice audience what happened in detention today.

School on Saturday? Surely, You Jest

JOHN: Today, detention was led by Professor Gilmore-Danes and was attended by Jaye, Archie, Angel, Callisto, Belthazor, Angela, Zero, Veronica, Chloe, and John who is not me. Apparently, they made decorations.

RITA: That's lovely. The naughty, horrible children I sent to detention got to play with colored paper and crayons. Perfect. Oh, and meanwhile, Kurt is in the library and thus gets invited to this...prom thing.

JOHN: Of course you gave people detention. Did they insult your hair? It's looking particularly gray today.

RITA: No, one of them called me his mummy and some horribly words, and another girl threw something vile and red on me, and Callistie flung water when I was quietly grading papers in class yesterday. They were all completely deserved!

Dorm Room With A View

JOHN: Cam and Molly wake up in the morning but are still sleepy. You seem to think things like this are boring, Professor Gray Hair. Why?

RITA: Well, Princess PITA, it is because I am so much more interesting than all of you. Much more so than, say, Elizabeth, who simply counts votes. How dull.

JOHN: Pippi, Nadia, Walter, Ivanova and Maia go to a day spa. Nadia is apparently a boy and Walter is a girl. Did you do something to them, Professor? Got bored on a rainy day? Did Wilbur block your AIM screenname?

RITA: ...what does that even mean?

JOHN: It means that Wizardboi2343 blocked Magick_girlxoxoxo. Get hip with the times, Professor.

RITA: I like to save your broadcasts for future testimony, Your Beastie Highness. Isabel, Bridge and Xander all dine together, Marty makes a telephone call, and Parker helps Zero and Pippi prepare.

JOHN: Listeners? I share now a solemn statement. Professor Skeeter? Does not shave her legs. Seriously, it's like shrubbery! Aeryn looked so damn hot tonight because she shaved her legs! Pippi and Maia get set to go to prom together, Anakin gets ready and John who is not me gets ready as well. Tell me, Professor, did you get all dolled up before or after you date cancelled on you? Did he have the chicken pox?

RITA: I didn't have a damn date. Anakin picks up his beard - I mean DATE, sorry, Rory, and Jaye, Logan, and their...bottles go to prom. That's very strange. Did you take a bottle to the event, Duchess of Annoyance?

JOHN: Maybe you didn't have a damn date because you have such a vile potty mouth. John Connor picks up Sydney, Walter and Nadia switch genders for prom purposes, Cam picks up Sam, and Callynanders get ready. And Professor Skeeter? Stood up, alone, drinking some Boone's Farm and eating a Hungry Man tv dinner.

RITA: Again, wishing I understood half of what you say. Or really, it's probably better that I stay confused, since I think you often talk just to make sounds. D'anna apparently looks lovely, some cats, Angela and Marty have dates, and Archie picks up Veronica. By the way, Fandom, John has just slipped me a note telling me that he would like you all to ask him about his cotton candy fetish when you next see him.

JOHN: Yes, Fandom, it's true. I like putting cotton candy...in Professor Skeeter's hair. Pink and gray, they go together, don't you think? Of course, Professor Skeeter's hair is a wig so that might hamper my hobby. Kiki and Lana? Not going to prom. They can go over to Professor Skeeter's house and watch QVC! No more buying dollhouse ceramic plates, Professor. Pip picks up Ivanova, Janet and Liz get ready, Angel picks up Cal, and Duo and Hamlet hang out before the prom. Professor? Was the Hungry Man tv dinner the one with salisbury steak?

RITA: Are you trying to tell me you have some kind of inappropriate little crush on me? Because that's vile. Phoebe and Bel meet up prior to the dance, and Molly has girltalk with Pippi and then Blair comes by to fetch her. Also, Maia gets a corsage, and no one cares about Sawyer's confusion.

JOHN: What, Professor? You had the chicken nugget meal? Wow, living dangerously, aren't you?

Takin You Downtown!

RITA: ...anyway...the candy shop is open for prom things, and I have to say, when reading that word? It looks far too much like another, naughtier word.

JOHN: Folks, you heard it here first. Professor Skeeter likes pom poms! That's right, pom poms! And Isabel and Xander go to All and Sundries for prom things. Bring Professor Skeeter back some pom poms! But no short skirts! Might make me go blind.

RITA: ...I hate you. And please, boys and girls, if you must be disgusting this exciting night of whatever the bloody hell "prom" is, go by Caritas and pick up a present from Lorne.

JOHN: The feeling is mutual. Sorta. Because I kinda like you in a not liking way. You're last name's cool. And, at Ching Tai, Alanna and Charlie go on a date and get to know each other and I totally wined and dined Aeryn. And Professor Skeeter has no prom date!

RITA: You have no redeemable qualities whatsoever. Luke's is open and Isabel picks up an order, and the theatre shows some film that confuses me.

JOHN: Apparently I do since you seem to be stalking me. This is a love that cannot be. Cafe Fina is open and Pip and Ivanova, Pippi, Maia and Kurt, and Walter and Nadia all have dinner there. Professor Skeeter and her date? Notably absent.

RITA: I didn't have a bloody date. So stop saying it, just because you're sad your girlfriend is apparently the princess and you're not. Anyway, Professor Harrington gets ready for the thing and I'm sure she looked lovely.

JOHN: I was the prince! You should address me as Prince John now. Prince Mr. John Crichton, if you will. And Jarod waited for Parkie at the gates of the school. Aww, romance. Young love. Tommy opens the clinic. Also? Professor Skeeter has a hole in her sock.

RITA: I will call you Prince Pain in the Ass - Prince PITA for short. And gun club met. Hooray for firearms. Also, Prince PITA has nose hair.

PROM YAY!

JOHN: Krycek and Jake as a girl arrive, Blair and Molly arrive, Kawalsky and Alanna show up, and Chloe and Weevil also make an appearance? Professor Skeeter? Sadly not there. I know I was crying. Why was I crying? Because Professor Skeeter's leg hairs cut me!

RITA: Oh, hmm, is that the scent of some delicious spun sugar in the air? Aeryn arrived with...someone...and Cam and Sam. Then there's not-cotton-candy-loving John and Sydney, Anders and Cally, and Piper and Lindsey. John, I wish you wouldn't doodle those little hearts with R's and J's on the notes. It's so unprofessional.

JOHN: Professor, is your eyesight failing in your old age? Are you a member of AARP yet? Those aren't R's and J's. Those are R's and W'. For Rita and a walker. A walker will be your new best friend soon. Those old knees can't hold out forever. Jaye, booze, Logan and tequilla arrive at prom. Add Professor Skeeter and moonshine and that would've been quite the Petridge Family type sensation! Isabel arrives stag, Faithful and Min arrive, D'Anna is at prom, and Janet and Elizabeth arrive. Professor Skeeter? Did you ever know that you're my hero?

RITA: You've said this before...anyway, Veronica and Archie arrive in a canoe, Angel and Callistie are there, as are Nadia and Walter, the gender confused. Much like you, since you apparently wish to be a pretty, pretty princess. I fail to see why you didn't simply wear a gown and tiara. I'm sure people would have voted for you.

JOHN: I bet I have better legs than you. Not as hairy at least. I could let you borrow some razors, you know. Triple blade power! Zero and Peter make their entrance, Rory and Anakin arrive, Hamlet and Duo arrive, and Bel and Phoebe shimmer to the prom. Hey, Professor? Tell me about Lord Voldiedork. That guy who had you nearly weeping on the radio a few weeks ago.

RITA: We don't speak his name or of him, twit, and I wasn't weeping. People got photographs taken - Piper and Lindsey, the kittycats, Veronica and Archie and Walter and Nadia can be found at Camelot, and Alex and Jake, Molly and Blair, Sam and Cam, Janet and Elizabeth and D'anna are all at Atlantis. And I don't need your razors, you transvestite.

JOHN: I am not a twit. Is he an ex boyfriend? Seriously, you can tell me. I'll keep it in confidence. Did something happen between you and him out of wedlock? At El Dorado, John and Aeryn, Alanna and Charlie, Zero and Peter and Callynanders all have pictures done. You need a hot oil wax then. They can get those hard to reach places too.

RITA: ...no, he's evil. I have better taste than that. Hence why I continually try to vanquish you. Things happen at the punch bowl, too - Cameron asks Molly to dance, and then you and he do something IDIOTIC and annoy Aeryn - shocking, truly - Boone asks Blair to keep an eye out for some girl, Alanna and Kawalsky ensure the punch isn't spiked, and somewhere, Boone teases Camulus about his attire. Did you all take stupid potions? Oh, wait, no, this is just your MO.

JOHN: Oh, you like dangerous men, huh? Not surprising. I guess that's why you left Wilbur. Oh, was Voldiestork an illicit affair? You and he couldn't deny your love and thus broke Wilbur's heart? For shame, for shame. In the snark corner, Isabel talks to Boone and Vice Principal Pierce, Cam asks Jaye for a dance, Bel and Phoebe check out the decorations and Hamlet and Duo do the same thing. Professor, all I'm high on is life...and the smell of mothballs that radiates off your clothing. Two words. Laundry detergent.

RITA: Oh, seriously, you children. First I'm making moonshine with cleaning products, and now you're lying about my personal hygiene or whatever. Oh, and people dance to various songs , including some tune I'm convinced they invented call the "Macarena.

JOHN: Does Mr. Voldiespork like the smell of cheese nips and moonshine then? It's a very potent smell on you, Professor. Angel and Cal talk about being crowned prom king and queen, Professor Lyman congratulates Angel on the prom king accomplishment, Aeryn does battle with a tiara, and, in the snark corner, Angela and Jaye talk about alcohol and Elizabeth is introduced to Bob. Aeryn and Anakin share a dance, Cally and Anders dance but are interrupted by Archie who then dances with...Anders. Okay, wow. Professor Skeeter has corns on her feet!

RITA: And Belthazor who thought I was his mummy and Phoebe dance, as do Marty and Angela and Aeryn and John, who by the way is attempting to curl up in my lap like a wee little hamster or something, dear heaven.

JOHN: I couldn't fit on Professor Skeeter's lap because she's got a mess of cheese curls and vienna sausages spread out for snacking purposes. Logan congratulates Angel on being the prom king, Alanna and Charlie giggle over Aeryn being prom princess and talk about Rob Thomas, Marty enjoys the spiked punch, Professor Tick, Professor Harrington, Dr. Pevensie and Dr. Jackson are all still chaperoning while Constable Fraser remains as security. And now Professor Skeeter is attempting to kiss a picture of Corey Haim that was in BOP magazine!

RITA: I don't know who that is or what that is or what these snacks are. What I do know is that John is attempting to remove his pants based on some claim that he wants to be like this Tom Cruise fellow in a film. Be glad you can't see, Fandom!

JOHN: In case anyone was wondering, Professor Skeeter just proposed to me.

RITA: I proposed that you go away, yes.

JOHN: She gave me a ring and everything. But she demands I take her last name. John Skeeter? Sounds terrible. Rita Crichton? What say you all?

RITA: *sounds of headdesking*

JOHN: You're all invited to the glorious wedding! We'll be serving vienna sausages with cheese whiz, Rita's favorite!

RITA: And John will be a lovely bride.

JOHN: And Rita has a womanly moustache. Say goodnight, dear!

RITA: Enjoy hell.

[Co written with imanaturalblond who I LOVE MORE THAN PIE AND CHOCOLATE AND PIZZA.]