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fandom_radio2006-01-29 12:33 am
leeadama.livejournal.com) wrote in fandom_radio2006-01-29 12:33 am
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Fandom Radio [Saturday, January 29] OMFGWTFSNOWMONSTERS?!
Co-written by ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
leeadama and whitedeathpod
JOHN: Hello, this is John Adama…
LEE: …and Lee Crichton
JOHN: …and we welcome you to a Very Special freeze your butt to your jeans and run from a snow monster version of Fandom Radio!
LEE: Yes, Fandom, if you've been living under a piece of toast or John's flab, you know that Fandom was, today, attacked by a variety of snow monsters.
JOHN: Snow monsters who were not Frosty the Snowman! They were not nice and voiced by Burl Ives!
LEE: Did you take a snowball to the head?
JOHN: Not that I remember...
Aren't Schools Closed on Saturday?
JOHN: The Gun Club met today. They shot things. Bang bang. And people talked to Maureen of their own volition! People, do not approach the Parker while she has a gun and is in a pissy mood!
LEE: Parker scares me.
JOHN: A lot of women scare you, Lee.
LEE: Shut up, Crichton.
LEE: The illustrious Professor Tick led detention today with three important lectures. The unlucky students stuck listening to that drivel were Anders, Archie, the Elric brothers, Togusa and Kawalsky. ... and a grotesque two-headed snow monster???! After doing battle, the survivors were dismissed and the wounded were taken to the clinic.
JOHN: Is it true that Anders got thrown across a room?
LEE: Archie'll be happy about that.
JOHN: The one, the only Vice Principal Pierce makes his entrance into the gym this morning. And then, he
and Tex bond over alcohol and butterflies and chocolate. Okay, maybe not the last two but do I see a date in Tex's future? Only time will tell! Pippi makes pancakes! The school's attacked by snow monsters but we still have pancakes! Awesome!
JOHN: Callisto wakes up with someone who I don't know! Oh wait, here it is. Says his name is Seamstress Harper! Callisto, aren't you dating my platonic roomie? Did your Thor's Hammer thighs become too much for him?
LEE: What is your obsession with Callisto's thighs?
JOHN: They remind me of England.
LEE: I hate you.
It's A Heckuva Town!
LEE: As you all well know we had a blizzard rage through Fandom Town all night. The worst of the storm passed about mid morning, but the cold, the wet, and the icky continued to fall throughout the day. Power remains out in Fandom Town.
JOHN: I hate snow. It's coarse and it gets everywhere.
LEE: ... Yes. Well. At some point this morning, thevery manly and impressive Fandom Troopers faced a tentacle-licious snow monster (the first to appear in Fandom, according to my notes). They were unable to get the message to us at the school in time that there was an army of regenerating snow monsters headed to school. Alas.
Also, at some point in the Battle against the Snow Monsters for Fandom, Bridge and Ted braved the cold to rush back into town and rescue Earl, who was left at home. My notes indicate that Earl is a giraffe?
JOHN: Giraffe.
LEE: Oookay... Well, sweet Earl was rescued.
LEE: As you all must know, a lot of crazy things happened today and it started for me, at least, when Logan rounded up myself, Angel, Molly, Parker, and Cally in the Second Floor Common room to go to his house and pick up a few essentials.
JOHN: Booze, video games and porn?
LEE: Condoms, mostly.
JOHN: Can't we get them at the clinic?
LEE: Shut up, Crichton. Anyway. Logan let us all in his house, and for some reason it was a big deal that Logan let Angel in... not sure why but it was certainly a MOMENT. After a few minutes, however, we were subsequently brutally attacked, starting with tentacles reaching for Cally.
JOHN: And you screamed like a girl, didn't you?
LEE: Oh suck it, John.
JOHN: Later, dear.
LEE: The monster tried to make the house fall down and eat Molly.
JOHN: Snow monsters have odd kinks, I guess.
LEE: And so we armed ourselves in the garage and then Angel and Logan fought the monster whilst I took the wounded women back to the clinic.
JOHN: Such heroism! I may swoon.
LEE: Keep your pants on. Angel and Logan successfully destroyed the monster but the house was destroyed. Woe.
Who You Bunking With?
JOHN: Veronica wakes up from sleepy time where she apparently stayed with two guys! Two! Veronica, I wasn't wanting to believe these rumors but about you but now? I knew I should've listened to my Magic 8 ball when I asked about you! Is Veronica doing secret stuff on the sly? The Magic 8 Ball said: All signs point to yes! Bel wakes up and has a little headache. Aww, poor Bel. I'd offer comfort but dude, not gay. Phoebe also wakes up sad. Dude, what's the problem here? You guys need a cartoon intervention ASAP!
JOHN: Victor and Walter wake up together. They were cute, there was snow and it was just like a Hallmark movie with one green guy and a giant explosion.
LEE: Why aren't we cute like that?
JOHN: Change your skin color to green and grow a horn and we might be...
LEE: I thought I already had a horn...
JOHN: RADIO SHOW!
JOHN: Susan and Lyta get organized! Go girls go! And Quinn doesn't even notice what's going on. Why doesn't anyone throw a snowball at her? That or tell her she's going gray. That'll really freak her out.
JOHN:Peter's having some trouble with his journalism homework. Dude, Professor Skeeter's having marital trouble. She's taking it out on her students. Relax, Pete!
LEE: Didn't she turn you into a monkey?
JOHN: Marmoset.
LEE: Awww, and you nibbled on Callisto?
JOHN: Shut. Up.
JOHN: Sakura hears some noises around the school. Dude, it was totally not me. Might wanna check out Jaye's room. I hear she's been having visions of many a men. Izzy stays safe in her room. Honestly, probably the smartest person of the lot.
JOHN: Cally's feeling pretty badly after what happened at Logan's house. Aww, Cally, cheer up kid. It'll get better. I promise.
LEE: And according to my notes, later in the day, there was considerable loving concern between Callynanders. See, Cally? All's well when you have a sweet man to cuddle.
JOHN: Hold me.
LEE: No.
JOHN: FINE.
LEE: On the fourth floor, Lana made breakfast for Kiki and Sakura.
The sweet Izzy from New Mexico (which, I learn, is no where near Montana, imagine that!) made breakfast for residents and refugees in the Second Floor Common Room. It was from there that the adventure to Logan's house begun.
It was busy common room as later in the afternoon, Xander and other anxious students gathered together in anticipation of the snow monster invasion.
After an important phone call, Quinn joins Lilly,CameronAllison, Veronica and Izzie for a more Traditional 13th Colony Approved Girlfest (including Boy Gossip) instead of doing their bit to save us from evil snow monsters. Thanks, girls. Thanks a lot.
JOHN: You're just being snippy because they didn't invite you.
LEE: Shut up, Crichton.
LEE: The lovely Miss Jaye who saved my ass later this afternoon swiped a few key items around the dorm for weaponry.
Sakura, Alphonse, Sharon, and Jessica took charge of guarding the first floor lobby from any snow monster that ventured too close.
Outside the dorms, Kawalsky ate a carrot and -- according to my notes -- became possessed by the evil (imagine that) and did their bidding. Which included having a rather groovy snow-creature-off with a possessed!Artie and a battle of wits with our esteemed Principal Smith.
OMGWTFSNOWMONSTERS!
LEE: In the afternoon, Tex announced the arrival of the oncoming snow monsters and rallied the students, staff and townies to help out. Blair chatted with Tex about being a pacifist hippie. I am confused as to why he is still alive.
Susanthe Gentle, Zhaan, Janet and Tommy Gavin pulled together resources to attend to the wounded. Which was quite lucky for us when Cally and I brought in Parker and Molly from the fight at Logan's house. I hope you're okay, Molly!!
LEE: Lucas, Blair, CJ and Mac built a barricade.
For the more bloodthirsty, heroic and stupid, Tex headed up rallying the troops to head into battle, armed to the teeth. To give credit where credit is due, those hot-to-trot, warrioresses were Aeryn, Ivanova, Sam, Janet, Vala, Kara, Alanna, Zoe, Pippi, Cordelia, Zhaan and a small cadre of heavily armed hookers.
JOHN: I need a moment of silence in honor of the women of Fandom.
LEE: I'll be in my bunk.
JOHN: While Lee takes a quick break, notes tell us that we were armed, thanks to Pippi breaking into the gun locker. Many thanks.
LEE: Ahem. So. After receiving a report that the monsters had reached the school, Tex organized the troops and we all headed out to defend the school.
JOHN: The snow monsters start attacking outside the gym where Tex, Cam, my girlfriend, Ivanova, Lyta, Peter, Angel, Callisto, the Doctor, Constable Fraser, Carl and Debbie are all waiting to take them on.
JOHN: And some hookers are there. Where'd all these hookers come from anyway? I thought this town had a 1:2 hooker to person ratio. And they start attacking!
LEE: I can't get over the fact that we have hookers. In Fandom.
JOHN: You really do live under a rock.
LEE: They take cash, right?
JOHN: ...Anyway, Lyta stares at them. Lyta, you might have some awesome eyes but I don't think the snow monsters are gonna fall for your feminine wiles. They have no capacity to love! The hookers get injured. And the hooker to person ration falls to 0:1. Sorry fans of hookers! Get your enjoyment elsewhere!
Tex gives her gun to Fraser.
LEE: In some cultures, wouldn't that count as marriage?
JOHN: Dude, I thought the Mountie was gay?
LEE: Maybe Tex doesn't care?
JOHNAngel lights stakes on fire. Snow monsters attack Kara while she and Angel are talking. Luckily, Super Pete is there to bail them out! Go Pete go! Beat those snow monsters! Go with the flow!
JOHN: Aeryn and Angel have a moment of nostalgia. Except that was when Angel was evil and I hadn't slept with Aeryn yet.
LEE: Dude, didn't need to know that.
JOHN: Well, it's true!
JOHN: Angel shares his makeshift torches with Cam. Cam and Aeryn burn the snow monsters with tree branch torches. Dude, the poor trees. What'd they do to deserve that! There's an abominable snowman that get shot in the eye by my awesome girlfriend and then killed to pieces by Tex.
LEE: Tex likes to kill things.
JOHN: Compensating for her lack of social skills?
LEE: Must be.
JOHN: The attacking gets worse. Damn, who peed on their snow and called it water?
LEE: Gross.
JOHN: Wimp.
Angel gets to play with a sword!
LEE: Gross!
JOHN: Not that sword, you dimwit!
The snow monsters start Conga line! A fate worse then death, really. I mean, honestly, who wants to be dancing a Conga, all happy and gleeful only to get beaned in the head with a snowball? Aeryn and Tex don't like the show. So they make the snowmen go splodey. Bye snowmen. Better luck in the afterlife!
Cameron plays knight in snowy armour and takes Kara back to the gym after she's injured. So dashing, so handsome.
LEE: You are so gay.
JOHN: Your daddy hates you.
LEE: He does not!
According to my notes, Peter is dumb. Why? He doesn't have a weapon! Dude, lay off Pete! He's a lover, not a fighter. Go Pete go! Knock those snow monsters back into the snow!
My main man, Pete wears a mask. No, he did not rob a bank. Go Pete go, take that mask and win best in show!
LEE: Why do you keep making up rhymes about Peter?
JOHN: Because...
Callisto and Angel fight together. And Callisto's concerned because she thinks her thunder thighs might rend him paralyzed.
LEE: The notes don't say that!
JOHN: Shut. Up!
JOHN: Tex and Callisto have a reunion of sorts. There is no kissing. Damn.
JOHN: Ivanova and Lyta go all Thelma and Louise complete with snark and sisterly bonding but no car death! Hey, even Deb and Carl are out to fight! The Doctor wants some more ammo.
JOHN: Blair doesn't wanna fight! Survey says...snowhugger! Ah Tex, you might be odd and metal but you do have some good one liners! Ivanova and Lyta do some more snow monster pain. Got some pent up energy, ladies? Need some ice chips?
LEE: The difficult task of protecting the dorms fell to a brave set of students.
Anakin realized in horror that, as most of the were wearing black, they were all rather easy targets. Buffy, however, pointed out that this lowered the chance of friendly fire. Good one! Tell that to Sam Carter! But I get ahead of myself.
The grotesque two-headed snowman attacked and was rebuffed with Cole's fireballs, Buffy's flares, and Sam's alien tech weapon. Sheppard stumbled out of the dorms and right into the fight. Not!Posessed!Artie showed up and yelled at the snow monsters a lot.
JOHN: That...is an interesting tactic.
LEE: There are many schools of thought.
LEE: Buffy got a snow monster with a flare. Anakin, Cole and Logan work very well as a team as force, fireball and blowtorch take out a number of snowmen.
JOHN: Anakin, Cole and Logan. They FIGHT CRIME!
LEE: Lay off my stims, buddy.
JOHN: Shut up, Adama.
LEE: Sam and Shep take fire and return it ...rather impressively. It's those damn weapon thingers that make cool blasty noises.
JOHN: "Thingers"? "Blasty"? Those are the technical terms, I take it?
LEE: Shut up.
JOHN: So what are those things anyway?
LEE: According to my notes, well, it's hard to say.
JOHN: Some sort of state secret?
LEE: No, just difficult to pronounce.
JOHN: Oh.
LEE: A little friendly fire occured when Rory, who was battling fearlessly by my side on the roof, threw a coffee mug at a snow man, missed and it hit Sam on the head. Hope you're okay, Sam!
LEE: Now, I don't believe it, but my notes say that there was an attack of DREADED SNOW SHARKS. Damn. What the frak are snow sharks?
JOHN: Don't look at me.
LEE: I wasn't looking at you.
JOHN: No, your hand was on my leg.
LEE: WAS NOT.
Anyway. Sakura and Susan fought them with swords. Sharon attacked them with hot cocoa. Daniel shot them with zatsand didn't die. I... are you sure that's the REAL Daniel Jackson? Sheppard fought them with his urine.
JOHN: WHAT?
LEE: The notes never lie, John.
JOHN: WHAT?!!!
LEE: It seemed to have worked. Lighten up.
JOHN: ...
LEE: Anyway. Anakin hacked at them with his lightsaber thingie.
JOHN: The 'thingie' thing again, Adama. And you're seriously going to go career military?
LEE: SHUT UP. Logan kicked and thereby shattered a snow shark's perfect set of teeth thus creating THE FIRST EMO SNOW SHARK.
JOHN: ...
LEE: The final assault on the dorms was heralded with snow monsters singing and dancing the Macarena (whatever the frak that is)
JOHN: OH, THE HUMANITY.
LEE: The worst bit, apparently, was when dozens of monsters appeared singing Achy-Breaky Heart which means ... nothing to me...
JOHN: Snow monsters are really truely pure evil.
LEE: The Much Aformentioned Grotesque Two-Headed Snowman Model attacked Rory's best friend, Anakin, and Sakura before collapsing in a puff of snow. Anakin was wounded, as was Sam from a snow shark bite to the ankle. Ugh.
JOHN: The battle also moves to the roof of the dorms! Taking post on the roof are Vala, Cordy, Jack Harkness who is not naked, Rory, John C., Lee and his pretty hair, Jaye and her bag o' stuff, Marty, Harper and possibly Chloe!
Before the attacks start, Vala and Cordy talk about how to kill things. Dude, whatever happened to the times of talking about dying your hair or your boyfriend's prowess in...well, you know. Jack brings the boiling oil! Where he got the boiling oil, I don't wanna know. Rory and Angela help but Angela burns her hand. Ouch! Go get that taken care of, ASAP.
Lee and Cordy who has a crossbow fight the snow monsters. Good going, Lee!
LEE: I was pretty awesome, wasn't I?
JOHN: You're very pretty...in a girly kinda way.
LEE: You're fat.
JOHN: You're gay!
LEE: You are a frakking liar!
JOHN: I shot the snow monster! But I did not shoot my own two feet! Have gun, will travel baby! Eat snow and die! Unfortunately, the snow monsters cheated and hit me with frozen water.
LEE: How'd they cheat? They're monsters.
JOHN: I called do over and they didn't listen! According to the rules of the playground, I get one do over so I can shoot them first.
LEE: ...right.
JOHN: Paige randomly appears, takes a bat and randomly disappears. Huh. Rory fights the snow monsters with coffee! Yes, Rory, that's right. Give the snow monsters caffeine and make them hyper active! Snow monsters on caffeine is just what we need! A marmoset even knows that!
LEE: Lay off Rory, she was just trying to help.
JOHN: Why're you sticking up for her? Got some kind of crush on her?
LEE: No! I'm just a nice guy!
JOHN: With bad hair.
LEE: What's wrong with my hair?
JOHN: Nothing...Liberace.
JOHN: Cordy gets hurt and has to leave. At least she didn't caffeine the snow monsters! Honestly! Marty brings his sniper rifle and Angela fights the snow monsters with Ramen Noodles. Was it the chicken kind? That's my favorite.
JOHN: Jaye proves that Principal Glitter/Ninja is OTP when she tosses a flag at one snow monster and kills it dead. Principal Glitter/Ninja, their love kills snow monsters dead! Jaye and Harper meet. Harper tries to give Jaye a gun. Harper is then declared clinically insane because ARE YOU INSANE? Do not give that woman a gun! EVER!
JOHN: Harper tries to get dirty with a snow woman. And yes, this proves that Harper is insane. Dude, what the heck? First Jaye with a gun and now macking on a snow person? Did you eat a lot of paint chips as a kid?
LEE: Protecting the clinic was the brave Pippi, Victor, Walter, Han, Nadia and Maia. The devious and evil snow men faced grenades, crazy wire things, blasters, and Peppermint Schnapps at their hands.
JOHN: I'm thirsty.
LEE: Not now, John.
LEE: Maia brought water ballons.
JOHN: Wait...what?
LEE: ...filled with hot water and rock salt to melt the ice.
JOHN: Oh...
LEE: And it apparently really worked.
JOHN: Huh.
LEE: A lot of booze was sacrified in the battle. Also, Nadia sacrified her shirt in the line of duty. Gods bless.
An icicle attack made things more difficult for the intrepid heroes. Much blood was shed, especially Han's.
JOHN: War is hell.
LEE: Tell me about it.
JOHN: Fine! I will! In disgusting graphic detail!
LEE: *long suffering sigh*
JOHN: Due to the snow monster related attacks, the makeshift medical plaza was hopping with activity. Angela's burned her hand. Lucas helps her. Angela leaves the clinic and returns to her snow monster fighting ways. Can't no one bring that girl down! Dr. Grissom, my awesome Criminology professor volunteers to help! There were no cheesy poofs involved in the making of Dr. Grissom's aide. Seriously.
JOHN: Rory comes in with an injured knee and then Rory and Parker, who are both bed bound, chat it up.
LEE: Isn't Rory scared of Parker?
JOHN: ...I guess not. Maybe Rory's got something on her?
LEE: Maybe her middle name?
JOHN: Dude, her middle name's Mavis. We all know that.
Cordy heads into the clinic. Poor thing, looks like she's had a tough time of it. A...hooker also comes in with an injury.
LEE: A hooker?
JOHN: That's what the notes say.
LEE: I wonder what her name is...
Kawalsky brings Anders in witha head injury. Dude, I thought snow was soft! Feel better, Anders!
JOHN:Blair comes in after a snowball to the head, Maureen confides in Hawkeye at being mad at Jarod and Molly is sleepy.
LEE: Do you think this school is going to get sued?
JOHN: By who, your daddy?
LEE: Leave my father out of this!
JOHN: Your father doesn't love you!
LEE: ...
Sam's managed to do some major damage to her ankle and head. Sam, no! I need your brain for Quantum Physics! Feel better! And Archie's a wee bit cold. Damn snow monsters! Not Archie too!
Another hooker comes in injured.
LEE: Another one?
JOHN: Yep, that's two hookers in the clinic.
LEE: I might have to volunteer in the clinic tomorrow as it sounds like they're swamped.
Shep's limping and Kara's almost unconscious. People, this just sucks. I thought snowmen were supposed to be nice and give candy and sing songs? Not injure students and make pain! What are these, snowmen with the 'bad' switch turned on?
LEE: My girlfriend's …
JOHN: … a big girl, calm down. You can go give loving concern after this.
LEE: Woe.
JOHN: Daniel's also in the clinic with a wrist injury, Ivanova's beat up and Han's worse for the wear.
Seriously people, stop getting hurt.
LEE: OH GODS! THIS JUST IN, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!!! Tex, that scary-as-hell woman, did battle with an evil... snowman...? ... who was orchestrating all of the snow monster attacks! Apparently, this creature was driven to attack our school since the Tick had killed his evil brother, Frosty.
JOHN: Revenge spurring on attempted genocide...
LEE: Hold me.
JOHN: Okay.
LEE: *rustle of papers* Apparently after this epic battle, the Fandom Troopers have reported that the town is secure of the monsters. The Victory Party is being held in the Second Floor Common Room (as obviously the Second Floor is the BEST floor in Fandom). Booze, snuggles and three cheers for all!
JOHN: Another happy ending!
LEE: And that's all we have for you today! Gods, I'm cold.
JOHN: We could cuddle...
LEE: We could...
JOHN: Just for body warmth, dudes. It's fricking freezing in here. Don't know how the pirate does it.
LEE: He's a pirate! He can do anything.
JOHN: What if he's from England?
LEE: ....
JOHN: Night, folks!
leeadama and whitedeathpodJOHN: Hello, this is John Adama…
LEE: …and Lee Crichton
JOHN: …and we welcome you to a Very Special freeze your butt to your jeans and run from a snow monster version of Fandom Radio!
LEE: Yes, Fandom, if you've been living under a piece of toast or John's flab, you know that Fandom was, today, attacked by a variety of snow monsters.
JOHN: Snow monsters who were not Frosty the Snowman! They were not nice and voiced by Burl Ives!
LEE: Did you take a snowball to the head?
JOHN: Not that I remember...
Aren't Schools Closed on Saturday?
JOHN: The Gun Club met today. They shot things. Bang bang. And people talked to Maureen of their own volition! People, do not approach the Parker while she has a gun and is in a pissy mood!
LEE: Parker scares me.
JOHN: A lot of women scare you, Lee.
LEE: Shut up, Crichton.
LEE: The illustrious Professor Tick led detention today with three important lectures. The unlucky students stuck listening to that drivel were Anders, Archie, the Elric brothers, Togusa and Kawalsky. ... and a grotesque two-headed snow monster???! After doing battle, the survivors were dismissed and the wounded were taken to the clinic.
JOHN: Is it true that Anders got thrown across a room?
LEE: Archie'll be happy about that.
JOHN: The one, the only Vice Principal Pierce makes his entrance into the gym this morning. And then, he
and Tex bond over alcohol and butterflies and chocolate. Okay, maybe not the last two but do I see a date in Tex's future? Only time will tell! Pippi makes pancakes! The school's attacked by snow monsters but we still have pancakes! Awesome!
JOHN: Callisto wakes up with someone who I don't know! Oh wait, here it is. Says his name is Seamstress Harper! Callisto, aren't you dating my platonic roomie? Did your Thor's Hammer thighs become too much for him?
LEE: What is your obsession with Callisto's thighs?
JOHN: They remind me of England.
LEE: I hate you.
It's A Heckuva Town!
LEE: As you all well know we had a blizzard rage through Fandom Town all night. The worst of the storm passed about mid morning, but the cold, the wet, and the icky continued to fall throughout the day. Power remains out in Fandom Town.
JOHN: I hate snow. It's coarse and it gets everywhere.
LEE: ... Yes. Well. At some point this morning, the
Also, at some point in the Battle against the Snow Monsters for Fandom, Bridge and Ted braved the cold to rush back into town and rescue Earl, who was left at home. My notes indicate that Earl is a giraffe?
JOHN: Giraffe.
LEE: Oookay... Well, sweet Earl was rescued.
LEE: As you all must know, a lot of crazy things happened today and it started for me, at least, when Logan rounded up myself, Angel, Molly, Parker, and Cally in the Second Floor Common room to go to his house and pick up a few essentials.
JOHN: Booze, video games and porn?
LEE: Condoms, mostly.
JOHN: Can't we get them at the clinic?
LEE: Shut up, Crichton. Anyway. Logan let us all in his house, and for some reason it was a big deal that Logan let Angel in... not sure why but it was certainly a MOMENT. After a few minutes, however, we were subsequently brutally attacked, starting with tentacles reaching for Cally.
JOHN: And you screamed like a girl, didn't you?
LEE: Oh suck it, John.
JOHN: Later, dear.
LEE: The monster tried to make the house fall down and eat Molly.
JOHN: Snow monsters have odd kinks, I guess.
LEE: And so we armed ourselves in the garage and then Angel and Logan fought the monster whilst I took the wounded women back to the clinic.
JOHN: Such heroism! I may swoon.
LEE: Keep your pants on. Angel and Logan successfully destroyed the monster but the house was destroyed. Woe.
Who You Bunking With?
JOHN: Veronica wakes up from sleepy time where she apparently stayed with two guys! Two! Veronica, I wasn't wanting to believe these rumors but about you but now? I knew I should've listened to my Magic 8 ball when I asked about you! Is Veronica doing secret stuff on the sly? The Magic 8 Ball said: All signs point to yes! Bel wakes up and has a little headache. Aww, poor Bel. I'd offer comfort but dude, not gay. Phoebe also wakes up sad. Dude, what's the problem here? You guys need a cartoon intervention ASAP!
JOHN: Victor and Walter wake up together. They were cute, there was snow and it was just like a Hallmark movie with one green guy and a giant explosion.
LEE: Why aren't we cute like that?
JOHN: Change your skin color to green and grow a horn and we might be...
LEE: I thought I already had a horn...
JOHN: RADIO SHOW!
JOHN: Susan and Lyta get organized! Go girls go! And Quinn doesn't even notice what's going on. Why doesn't anyone throw a snowball at her? That or tell her she's going gray. That'll really freak her out.
JOHN:Peter's having some trouble with his journalism homework. Dude, Professor Skeeter's having marital trouble. She's taking it out on her students. Relax, Pete!
LEE: Didn't she turn you into a monkey?
JOHN: Marmoset.
LEE: Awww, and you nibbled on Callisto?
JOHN: Shut. Up.
JOHN: Sakura hears some noises around the school. Dude, it was totally not me. Might wanna check out Jaye's room. I hear she's been having visions of many a men. Izzy stays safe in her room. Honestly, probably the smartest person of the lot.
JOHN: Cally's feeling pretty badly after what happened at Logan's house. Aww, Cally, cheer up kid. It'll get better. I promise.
LEE: And according to my notes, later in the day, there was considerable loving concern between Callynanders. See, Cally? All's well when you have a sweet man to cuddle.
JOHN: Hold me.
LEE: No.
JOHN: FINE.
LEE: On the fourth floor, Lana made breakfast for Kiki and Sakura.
The sweet Izzy from New Mexico (which, I learn, is no where near Montana, imagine that!) made breakfast for residents and refugees in the Second Floor Common Room. It was from there that the adventure to Logan's house begun.
It was busy common room as later in the afternoon, Xander and other anxious students gathered together in anticipation of the snow monster invasion.
After an important phone call, Quinn joins Lilly,
JOHN: You're just being snippy because they didn't invite you.
LEE: Shut up, Crichton.
LEE: The lovely Miss Jaye who saved my ass later this afternoon swiped a few key items around the dorm for weaponry.
Sakura, Alphonse, Sharon, and Jessica took charge of guarding the first floor lobby from any snow monster that ventured too close.
Outside the dorms, Kawalsky ate a carrot and -- according to my notes -- became possessed by the evil (
OMGWTFSNOWMONSTERS!
LEE: In the afternoon, Tex announced the arrival of the oncoming snow monsters and rallied the students, staff and townies to help out. Blair chatted with Tex about being a pacifist hippie. I am confused as to why he is still alive.
Susan
LEE: Lucas, Blair, CJ and Mac built a barricade.
For the more bloodthirsty, heroic and stupid, Tex headed up rallying the troops to head into battle, armed to the teeth. To give credit where credit is due, those hot-to-trot, warrioresses were Aeryn, Ivanova, Sam, Janet, Vala, Kara, Alanna, Zoe, Pippi, Cordelia, Zhaan and a small cadre of heavily armed hookers.
JOHN: I need a moment of silence in honor of the women of Fandom.
LEE: I'll be in my bunk.
JOHN: While Lee takes a quick break, notes tell us that we were armed, thanks to Pippi breaking into the gun locker. Many thanks.
LEE: Ahem. So. After receiving a report that the monsters had reached the school, Tex organized the troops and we all headed out to defend the school.
JOHN: The snow monsters start attacking outside the gym where Tex, Cam, my girlfriend, Ivanova, Lyta, Peter, Angel, Callisto, the Doctor, Constable Fraser, Carl and Debbie are all waiting to take them on.
JOHN: And some hookers are there. Where'd all these hookers come from anyway? I thought this town had a 1:2 hooker to person ratio. And they start attacking!
LEE: I can't get over the fact that we have hookers. In Fandom.
JOHN: You really do live under a rock.
LEE: They take cash, right?
JOHN: ...Anyway, Lyta stares at them. Lyta, you might have some awesome eyes but I don't think the snow monsters are gonna fall for your feminine wiles. They have no capacity to love! The hookers get injured. And the hooker to person ration falls to 0:1. Sorry fans of hookers! Get your enjoyment elsewhere!
Tex gives her gun to Fraser.
LEE: In some cultures, wouldn't that count as marriage?
JOHN: Dude, I thought the Mountie was gay?
LEE: Maybe Tex doesn't care?
JOHNAngel lights stakes on fire. Snow monsters attack Kara while she and Angel are talking. Luckily, Super Pete is there to bail them out! Go Pete go! Beat those snow monsters! Go with the flow!
JOHN: Aeryn and Angel have a moment of nostalgia. Except that was when Angel was evil and I hadn't slept with Aeryn yet.
LEE: Dude, didn't need to know that.
JOHN: Well, it's true!
JOHN: Angel shares his makeshift torches with Cam. Cam and Aeryn burn the snow monsters with tree branch torches. Dude, the poor trees. What'd they do to deserve that! There's an abominable snowman that get shot in the eye by my awesome girlfriend and then killed to pieces by Tex.
LEE: Tex likes to kill things.
JOHN: Compensating for her lack of social skills?
LEE: Must be.
JOHN: The attacking gets worse. Damn, who peed on their snow and called it water?
LEE: Gross.
JOHN: Wimp.
Angel gets to play with a sword!
LEE: Gross!
JOHN: Not that sword, you dimwit!
The snow monsters start Conga line! A fate worse then death, really. I mean, honestly, who wants to be dancing a Conga, all happy and gleeful only to get beaned in the head with a snowball? Aeryn and Tex don't like the show. So they make the snowmen go splodey. Bye snowmen. Better luck in the afterlife!
Cameron plays knight in snowy armour and takes Kara back to the gym after she's injured. So dashing, so handsome.
LEE: You are so gay.
JOHN: Your daddy hates you.
LEE: He does not!
According to my notes, Peter is dumb. Why? He doesn't have a weapon! Dude, lay off Pete! He's a lover, not a fighter. Go Pete go! Knock those snow monsters back into the snow!
My main man, Pete wears a mask. No, he did not rob a bank. Go Pete go, take that mask and win best in show!
LEE: Why do you keep making up rhymes about Peter?
JOHN: Because...
Callisto and Angel fight together. And Callisto's concerned because she thinks her thunder thighs might rend him paralyzed.
LEE: The notes don't say that!
JOHN: Shut. Up!
JOHN: Tex and Callisto have a reunion of sorts. There is no kissing. Damn.
JOHN: Ivanova and Lyta go all Thelma and Louise complete with snark and sisterly bonding but no car death! Hey, even Deb and Carl are out to fight! The Doctor wants some more ammo.
JOHN: Blair doesn't wanna fight! Survey says...snowhugger! Ah Tex, you might be odd and metal but you do have some good one liners! Ivanova and Lyta do some more snow monster pain. Got some pent up energy, ladies? Need some ice chips?
LEE: The difficult task of protecting the dorms fell to a brave set of students.
Anakin realized in horror that, as most of the were wearing black, they were all rather easy targets. Buffy, however, pointed out that this lowered the chance of friendly fire. Good one! Tell that to Sam Carter! But I get ahead of myself.
The grotesque two-headed snowman attacked and was rebuffed with Cole's fireballs, Buffy's flares, and Sam's alien tech weapon. Sheppard stumbled out of the dorms and right into the fight. Not!Posessed!Artie showed up and yelled at the snow monsters a lot.
JOHN: That...is an interesting tactic.
LEE: There are many schools of thought.
LEE: Buffy got a snow monster with a flare. Anakin, Cole and Logan work very well as a team as force, fireball and blowtorch take out a number of snowmen.
JOHN: Anakin, Cole and Logan. They FIGHT CRIME!
LEE: Lay off my stims, buddy.
JOHN: Shut up, Adama.
LEE: Sam and Shep take fire and return it ...rather impressively. It's those damn weapon thingers that make cool blasty noises.
JOHN: "Thingers"? "Blasty"? Those are the technical terms, I take it?
LEE: Shut up.
JOHN: So what are those things anyway?
LEE: According to my notes, well, it's hard to say.
JOHN: Some sort of state secret?
LEE: No, just difficult to pronounce.
JOHN: Oh.
LEE: A little friendly fire occured when Rory, who was battling fearlessly by my side on the roof, threw a coffee mug at a snow man, missed and it hit Sam on the head. Hope you're okay, Sam!
LEE: Now, I don't believe it, but my notes say that there was an attack of DREADED SNOW SHARKS. Damn. What the frak are snow sharks?
JOHN: Don't look at me.
LEE: I wasn't looking at you.
JOHN: No, your hand was on my leg.
LEE: WAS NOT.
Anyway. Sakura and Susan fought them with swords. Sharon attacked them with hot cocoa. Daniel shot them with zats
JOHN: WHAT?
LEE: The notes never lie, John.
JOHN: WHAT?!!!
LEE: It seemed to have worked. Lighten up.
JOHN: ...
LEE: Anyway. Anakin hacked at them with his lightsaber thingie.
JOHN: The 'thingie' thing again, Adama. And you're seriously going to go career military?
LEE: SHUT UP. Logan kicked and thereby shattered a snow shark's perfect set of teeth thus creating THE FIRST EMO SNOW SHARK.
JOHN: ...
LEE: The final assault on the dorms was heralded with snow monsters singing and dancing the Macarena (whatever the frak that is)
JOHN: OH, THE HUMANITY.
LEE: The worst bit, apparently, was when dozens of monsters appeared singing Achy-Breaky Heart which means ... nothing to me...
JOHN: Snow monsters are really truely pure evil.
LEE: The Much Aformentioned Grotesque Two-Headed Snowman Model attacked Rory's best friend, Anakin, and Sakura before collapsing in a puff of snow. Anakin was wounded, as was Sam from a snow shark bite to the ankle. Ugh.
JOHN: The battle also moves to the roof of the dorms! Taking post on the roof are Vala, Cordy, Jack Harkness who is not naked, Rory, John C., Lee and his pretty hair, Jaye and her bag o' stuff, Marty, Harper and possibly Chloe!
Before the attacks start, Vala and Cordy talk about how to kill things. Dude, whatever happened to the times of talking about dying your hair or your boyfriend's prowess in...well, you know. Jack brings the boiling oil! Where he got the boiling oil, I don't wanna know. Rory and Angela help but Angela burns her hand. Ouch! Go get that taken care of, ASAP.
Lee and Cordy who has a crossbow fight the snow monsters. Good going, Lee!
LEE: I was pretty awesome, wasn't I?
JOHN: You're very pretty...in a girly kinda way.
LEE: You're fat.
JOHN: You're gay!
LEE: You are a frakking liar!
JOHN: I shot the snow monster! But I did not shoot my own two feet! Have gun, will travel baby! Eat snow and die! Unfortunately, the snow monsters cheated and hit me with frozen water.
LEE: How'd they cheat? They're monsters.
JOHN: I called do over and they didn't listen! According to the rules of the playground, I get one do over so I can shoot them first.
LEE: ...right.
JOHN: Paige randomly appears, takes a bat and randomly disappears. Huh. Rory fights the snow monsters with coffee! Yes, Rory, that's right. Give the snow monsters caffeine and make them hyper active! Snow monsters on caffeine is just what we need! A marmoset even knows that!
LEE: Lay off Rory, she was just trying to help.
JOHN: Why're you sticking up for her? Got some kind of crush on her?
LEE: No! I'm just a nice guy!
JOHN: With bad hair.
LEE: What's wrong with my hair?
JOHN: Nothing...Liberace.
JOHN: Cordy gets hurt and has to leave. At least she didn't caffeine the snow monsters! Honestly! Marty brings his sniper rifle and Angela fights the snow monsters with Ramen Noodles. Was it the chicken kind? That's my favorite.
JOHN: Jaye proves that Principal Glitter/Ninja is OTP when she tosses a flag at one snow monster and kills it dead. Principal Glitter/Ninja, their love kills snow monsters dead! Jaye and Harper meet. Harper tries to give Jaye a gun. Harper is then declared clinically insane because ARE YOU INSANE? Do not give that woman a gun! EVER!
JOHN: Harper tries to get dirty with a snow woman. And yes, this proves that Harper is insane. Dude, what the heck? First Jaye with a gun and now macking on a snow person? Did you eat a lot of paint chips as a kid?
LEE: Protecting the clinic was the brave Pippi, Victor, Walter, Han, Nadia and Maia. The devious and evil snow men faced grenades, crazy wire things, blasters, and Peppermint Schnapps at their hands.
JOHN: I'm thirsty.
LEE: Not now, John.
LEE: Maia brought water ballons.
JOHN: Wait...what?
LEE: ...filled with hot water and rock salt to melt the ice.
JOHN: Oh...
LEE: And it apparently really worked.
JOHN: Huh.
LEE: A lot of booze was sacrified in the battle. Also, Nadia sacrified her shirt in the line of duty. Gods bless.
An icicle attack made things more difficult for the intrepid heroes. Much blood was shed, especially Han's.
JOHN: War is hell.
LEE: Tell me about it.
JOHN: Fine! I will! In disgusting graphic detail!
LEE: *long suffering sigh*
JOHN: Due to the snow monster related attacks, the makeshift medical plaza was hopping with activity. Angela's burned her hand. Lucas helps her. Angela leaves the clinic and returns to her snow monster fighting ways. Can't no one bring that girl down! Dr. Grissom, my awesome Criminology professor volunteers to help! There were no cheesy poofs involved in the making of Dr. Grissom's aide. Seriously.
JOHN: Rory comes in with an injured knee and then Rory and Parker, who are both bed bound, chat it up.
LEE: Isn't Rory scared of Parker?
JOHN: ...I guess not. Maybe Rory's got something on her?
LEE: Maybe her middle name?
JOHN: Dude, her middle name's Mavis. We all know that.
Cordy heads into the clinic. Poor thing, looks like she's had a tough time of it. A...hooker also comes in with an injury.
LEE: A hooker?
JOHN: That's what the notes say.
LEE: I wonder what her name is...
Kawalsky brings Anders in witha head injury. Dude, I thought snow was soft! Feel better, Anders!
JOHN:Blair comes in after a snowball to the head, Maureen confides in Hawkeye at being mad at Jarod and Molly is sleepy.
LEE: Do you think this school is going to get sued?
JOHN: By who, your daddy?
LEE: Leave my father out of this!
JOHN: Your father doesn't love you!
LEE: ...
Sam's managed to do some major damage to her ankle and head. Sam, no! I need your brain for Quantum Physics! Feel better! And Archie's a wee bit cold. Damn snow monsters! Not Archie too!
Another hooker comes in injured.
LEE: Another one?
JOHN: Yep, that's two hookers in the clinic.
LEE: I might have to volunteer in the clinic tomorrow as it sounds like they're swamped.
Shep's limping and Kara's almost unconscious. People, this just sucks. I thought snowmen were supposed to be nice and give candy and sing songs? Not injure students and make pain! What are these, snowmen with the 'bad' switch turned on?
LEE: My girlfriend's …
JOHN: … a big girl, calm down. You can go give loving concern after this.
LEE: Woe.
JOHN: Daniel's also in the clinic with a wrist injury, Ivanova's beat up and Han's worse for the wear.
Seriously people, stop getting hurt.
LEE: OH GODS! THIS JUST IN, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!!! Tex, that scary-as-hell woman, did battle with an evil... snowman...? ... who was orchestrating all of the snow monster attacks! Apparently, this creature was driven to attack our school since the Tick had killed his evil brother, Frosty.
JOHN: Revenge spurring on attempted genocide...
LEE: Hold me.
JOHN: Okay.
LEE: *rustle of papers* Apparently after this epic battle, the Fandom Troopers have reported that the town is secure of the monsters. The Victory Party is being held in the Second Floor Common Room (as obviously the Second Floor is the BEST floor in Fandom). Booze, snuggles and three cheers for all!
JOHN: Another happy ending!
LEE: And that's all we have for you today! Gods, I'm cold.
JOHN: We could cuddle...
LEE: We could...
JOHN: Just for body warmth, dudes. It's fricking freezing in here. Don't know how the pirate does it.
LEE: He's a pirate! He can do anything.
JOHN: What if he's from England?
LEE: ....
JOHN: Night, folks!
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1. Ask Logan about inviting Angel into his house.
2. Ask Logan about working with Cole.
3. Kill Crichton.
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[*mwah* you guys rock for doing this monster monster post! And are way too damn funny, too!]
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"Me house be what?!"
There might not be enough rum to cheer him up.
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Besides shaking her head and sighing, really, what else is there to do?
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But Lee is her favorite person evar!
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He then figured that it could have been worse, so he turned the radio off and went to sleep.
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Making pancakes?
or
Alerting the gun range?
...
Pancakes?
Guns?
...
Breakfast treats?
'splosions.
...
Most important meal of the day?
Heavy ordinance?
...
These are the questions that keep one up at night.
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John does not admit that this is what goes through his head when deciding what to do first in the morning. Guns or food?no subject
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They have calendars. In fact, they have Day Planners. They had this pencilled in for January because, ya know, Christmas is their busy season, what with all the public appearances and stuff, and hey, they have to make a living, too....no subject
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