Fandom Radio, Saturday, January 28th

[lockestheway]

Peter: Hello, good morning. Just for the record, yes, this is Peter Wiggin, and yes, you probably woke up with breasts this morning. No matter what your chest’s status was last night. We’ve checked that.

Topher: Make them go away I don't like them I don't like them...

Peter: Look, they’ll probably be gone by the end of the weekend. Stop going fetal position.

Topher: I just don't like them, okay?!

Peter: Yes, I got that idea on the walk over here.

CLASSES

Peter: Chasing History’s Monsters kicked off this week with a rousing lecture about vampires and how to catch them, and why we’re not allowed to do that to the vampires on-island. Oh, grand, we’ve got vampires, too. Anyway, Tara and Bobby took the opportunity to pass notes, as one does, when faced with vampires.

Topher: Oh god oh god oh god...

Peter: They’re just breasts, Topher. In Everyday Skills we ran the gauntlet in a three-legged race. It was an inspiring team bonding affair. Keeping up the theme of physical challenges and how they bring us together was Leadership class, which participated in blind rickshaw racing. That doesn’t sound like a recipe for disaster at all. Oh. And then they changed places.

Topher: ...round and stupid and squishy and I don't like them and...

Peter: Dammit, Topher, pull yourself together! This is radio! And no one can hear the news when you’re mumbling like that.

Peter: The Art of Scrap tackled the topic of composition in... scrap, which presumably was a rule applied to the sculptures these kids have been working on.

Down in the library, Wesley attempted to keep someone or somebody awake across the country or something like it. Look, buddy, I don’t think that’s going to win you any favor there. Susan turns up to hunt the stacks with Wesley, looking for some strategy books. I’m sure my brother has the tactics section memorized, so try asking him.

Topher: ...don't like them oh god...

Peter: Topher, they are not going to eat you, so calm the hell down!

Oh, and Apathy club was there. It almost makes me so apathetic I forgot to talk about it, but I’m a responsible news host.

Topher: And they move and and and they're dumb and...

Peter: Topher!

*whack*

Topher: Ow!

Peter: Get and keep a hold of yourself. Here, have notes. Read them. No more simpering out of you.

Topher: ...FINE. And in this guy Mr. Murdock's office, Underwear Girl came by to interview him for the paper. He said they were preparing people for stuff. I don't know.

And in the new radio person's office, someone named Rory came by and they talked about assigning random detentions. Uh. I've had detention once. I did not care for it.

DORMS

Topher: Natalie was eating Pocky and looking up travel prices, and talked to Tara about how kids might show up after Valentine's Day. KIDS? SERIOUSLY? No. Okay. Look. These -- things are bad enough. I don't want them. I don't want kids. That all sounds terrible. SERIOUSLY. CAN WE JUST HAVE THE WORLD ALMOST END AGAIN? I AM NOT KIDDING.

Peter: If it’s a choice between the end of the world or having breasts and - god forbid - that other thing that happens once a month, I think I’ll prefer being alive. Look, man, it’s everyone, it’s not like you’re alone in this.

Topher: I JUST HATE THEM SO MUCH.

Peter: Stop being so melodramatic.

Topher: Bobby, who I did not insult to Ben earlier this week by accident, was in his room getting ready to talk to someone. Karla, who is maybe the someone, came by and talked about maybe going drinking sometime, to which I say please no. And then Tara came by and they talked and this page is really soggy so who cares.

Peter: … is that rum or squirrel urine?

Topher: …Dude!

TOWN

Topher: And The Devil's Nest was open. It was '90s night. Sounds exciting.



Peter: Bod had a quiet day at Cafe Luke’s as per usual. Cafe Luke’s competitor Goodvalor’s Little Bivoli was a little less quiet, with serving droids starting a big old fight about the specials board. Must be a big thing. Kenzi then stomps in yelling something about doing something terrible to somebody, and she and server Toby conclude getting married isn’t an option. I don’t know, Kenzi, that sounds like an easy way to do that...

Topher: Seriously.

Peter: Skywalker’s going through documents when Topher here comes in - boobless - and starts discussing his upcoming date until he manages to send Skywalker scrambling underneath the desk, forcing my brother to call in and talk him out of it. Okay then.

Topher: It's not a date!

Peter: Seifer spent a lot of time staring at the sky rather than opening up Groovy Tunes - I’ll attribute that to musical inspiration. Naturally, Kenzi’s shift at work at Dite’s involved bridal magazines because of the aforementioned ‘terrible thing’. Meanwhile, Friday apparently meant date night, with Matt and Stacey trading my-life-so-far’s over steak.

Topher: At Portalocity -- and seriously, what's up with that being a store here, 'cause last I heard no one really liked them, especially Ben's awesome cousin -- Trick was getting ready for his new employee. And then a talking magpie came to visit. And maybe work there. That would be cool. And then -- oh, this is awesome, look at this, Peter. Kenzi showed up and tried to get a refund for that time the giant rats tried to eat us.

...Kenzi, you didn't even pay for that, my mom did. But that's awesome.

Peter: Yeah, it’s good of her to get that refund and split it between the two of you...

Topher: And, uh, Billy and I went to -- *indistinct mumbling*

Peter: Ha! Participate in date night, Topher?

Topher: No! It was not a date!

Peter: You’re into guys, you went to the movies with a guy, and now you’re muttering and-- are you blushing?

Topher: No! Shut up! And and and in the park, iCarly talked about getting a new cohost. And then they did the show. In which Jack pledged alliegance to underwear.

...huh.

Well, that's that for notes, then.

Peter: Yes. You’re free to run back to your dorm and hide under the bed.

Topher: Finally.