Fandom Radio, Saturday, January 21st

[dollpocalypse]

Topher: So is this just a thing now? I mean, seriously, I hate this job. Are you sure we can't just let Peter --

*chittering*

Topher: Yeah, okay, had to ask.

*door, shutting*

Peter: Yes, I’m not any happier about it than you are, Christopher, but let’s leave the complaining for somewhere the listeners can’t hear it.

Topher: ...I keep meaning to make a remote for the mic or something. The squirrels never let me turn it off.

SCHOOL

Topher: So there were classes yesterday. I know. I'm pretty surprised myself. Chasing History's Monsters talked about vampires, because that's normal. And actually they watched a documentary about them. Um, okay.

Everyday Skills was playing with glitter. Probably not throwing it at Peter, though. This time.

Peter: No, Oz understands the importance of a control group... and who to assign to it.

Topher: People listened to the lecture, then threw glitter at each other. Peter was all happy and whatever, and some girl named Rebecca came over and he said if she doesn't want glitter on her it would be better to get -- [choking noise]

Peter: Hey, it’s called ‘being helpful’. Don’t get your pants wet.

Topher: Dude!

Peter: What?

Topher: In Leadership, people stacked balloon towers. Awesome! They broke into groups and then had to defend them from toy planes. NICE. That's awesome.

Peter: They’re toy planes.

Topher: They're cool! And in Art of Scrap, they had to dig up scrap. For... projects. And also there was coffee. And when Butters went to the bathroom, someone stole some garbage.

*pause*

Topher: Seriously? You're reporting stuff like that? Guys.

That guy Wesley was reshelving books and in a good mood. Whatever.

And finally, Student Council met and they talked about dance themes. Really? We're having another one of those? Ew.

Peter: Inside voice, Topher. You don’t want Student Council to beat you up.

Topher: Oh, right, Jello Girl's on that.

CLUB FAIR

Topher: There was a club fair.

Peter: As there is every term and as there will be every term, into infinity.

Topher: Not in the summer! People were around and talking. Mercy asked Kate if she was joining any clubs, because that's not obvious from her being at the club fair or anything. Kenzi talked to Butters about how he's grounded. Sucks. And Mercy talked to Simon about last weekend and how -- *snickers* -- apparently she had "UST" with Peter.

Peter: What the hell is UST?

Topher: Not something in fanfiction, that's for sure.

My roommate had a table for the newspaper, which I did not know was a thing. Underwear Girl also did not know that was a thing, and Sam the girl wanted to write... 'horrorscopes'? Okay. And Lucrezia said she was new and Dave apparently wasn't too disappointed. Cool.

And there was a table for frat! Which is awesome but no one else sign up for it. Warren was ready to bribe girls to not join -- dude, way to go, Warren. We need that kind of initiative. And then I came over to show him this awesome penguin named Warren. And Sam the girl made sure that he's still giving her pizza to not show up -- again, Warren, dude, thanks -- and Lex suggested to Tony that we go on a trip to a con or something. That... is not a terrible idea. Actually, that's kinda cool. We should do that.

Peter: And we’ll round up all the geeks... anyway. The Anarchist Philantropist Club - and there’s an oxymoron if I’ve ever had one, since I don’t think anarchists have enough cash to warrant calling anything philantrophy - had their own table, manned by... Jim.

Wow. That explains so much.

Look, you realise that anarchism is not a sustainable, productive, or enviable state of government, right? History has already shown that any anarchist commune will either die out because it’s too small, cave in to capitalism because it’s grown too large, or turn into a dictatorship governed by men who generally suffer from Napoleonic complexes, right? Because every community needs unwritten laws, and eventually--

Topher: ...uh.

Peter: … Okay, not the time. Anyway, Annie showed up and got the thankfully-slightly-more-sensible explanation that the organisation was more about charity than anarchy, though again, see my notes above about how philantropy necessarily involves rejecting certain central tenets of anarchy.

Britta stopped by to talk about how theirs was the best club of the bunch - I’m sure Topher would agree - and then Kenzi kicked off a conversation about Robin Hood with Jim. Because criminal communism always works out well. Just ask Lenin. Britta was also there to rejoice in how they were damning the Man through charity, proving that she’s never read a scrap of tax law about charitable donations. Luckily, Matt stopped by to offer his services in that department. She also talked Elphaba into joining the club with a screed about helping anyone who was, I quote, ‘downtrodden by those power-hungry jerkwads in charge’, leading me to wonder if she’s planning to vote for that Ron Paul guy this year.

Topher: ...wait, why would I agree?

Peter: Sarcasm, Topher.

Topher: ...oh. Gotcha.

Peter: The cheerleaders had their table and their leader, Chloe. Pride also had a table operational, featuring a stellar display of PR genius in the form of glittery banners and cupcakes. I commend you, Petra, especially since you managed to draw in Annie with the cupcakes. Apparently the cupcakes have something to do with being gay, I don’t know. Then Kenzi showed up to ask if maybe she should get my co-host to join, and I think you owe Petra a thank you for telling her no, Topher.

Topher: What, does it suck or something?

Peter: Let’s just say I would’ve predicted a lot of flailing in your future.

Topher: *mumbled* WellImeanBilly'sthereso.

Peter: And there we go again!

Because apparently we need a sorority, too, Kappa Delta Gremlin was recruiting. Fandom: All the joys of Greek societies, none of the rush. Annie’s taken over for Quinn this year, which Quinn seemed to appreciate, so congratulations, Annie. Rebecca was... cynical about the idea of a sorority in high school, but the mixers drew her in. Dorothy needed an explanation of the very nature of sororities. Annie did her job well, and won another recruit. Rilla was there to support Annie in a co-captain position, and chose to knit while she regaled Annie with tales of last weekend. Let’s not speak of that any longer, shall we?

Topher: Deal!

Peter: Finally, Apathy club was there. Not that George cared. Like, whatever.

DORMS

Topher: Gabrielle was trying to meditate. Okay.

Luke was looking for some missing clothes or something, and Percy came by to tell Luke to just marry Loki already. Awkward.

Peter: I’m sure it’d be a sweet ceremony. Something tasteful, with flowers.

Topher: Sam the guy was changing a bandage on his hand or something, and Natalie came over to check what he was doing that wasn't homework. Come on, like anyone actually does homework at this school?

Peter: I do plenty. Then again, Everyday Skills is a very demanding course... if you’d lke to stay unmauled by a bear. Natalie agreed with me, though she did wind up putting her homework aside to venture into one of our common rooms. Where she took notes on poetry. See, you have to appreciate someone who knows you have to sit down and work for the good things in life.

Sam Puckett prepped for her iCarly broadcast with... chicken, which makes a terrible lot of sense. Freddie disapproved of eating food that can talk to you-- I’m not sure ‘clucking’ is quite the same as ‘vocalising’. Just so you know. Then Karla and Sam engaged in a brawl to the death over the chickens, making me very sad that I wasn’t there this time. Terribly, terribly sad.

Topher: ...yeah. It sounds like we missed a lot.

TOWNIES

Peter: Bod was channeling his inner Zen master today, inspiring his servers to stay out of his way. Apparently, though, he was really just trying to summon his girlfriend, who showed up to do things that make young Christopher’s eyes bleed.

Topher: Well, could you not hold the notes so I can see, then?

Peter: Sorry, are they in your line of sight?

Topher: KINDA.

Peter: Whoops. My chess buddy Loki decided to use his shift at the Magic Box to peruse some letters. Elsewhere, Ben Skywalker fell briefly back into ineptitude as his cleaning droid rebelled and soaked the entirety of Stark Industries in water, possibly in some robotic attempt to mimic a bad Calvin Klein ad. Naturally, this summoned my brother, but I’d be lying if I said I really wanted to talk about their flirting on the radio.

Topher: Well, it'd be sorta weird if you did.

Peter: To put it mildly. Then for some reason Topher turned up... ...mostly to talk about whether or not he has a crush on some kid called Billy. Please tell me this isn’t going to turn into another six-month stalking binge, Brink...

*sputtering*

Topher: What? No! I'm not -- no! I don't! No! I -- that's weird. I don't -- I mean -- c'moooon!

*foot stomping*

Peter: Just for the record, I don’t actually care about your sex life. Actually, I care very much about staying as far away from anything to do with your sex life as I can, okay?

Topher: Then why'd you bring it uuuuuup?

Peter: Because the squirrels are making me. Anyway, our intrepid police force was hard at work, calculating the amount of days since the last time the island went nuts. Good luck, Office Audrey. I think you’ll be busy for a while. Kenzi really applied herself to one-upping Karla’s display. Really, Kenzi? You’re engaging in a uterus-measuring contest with Karla di Glacia in a porn shop?

Topher: Ew!

Peter: Trick, everyone’s favorite punching bag Portalocity staffer moped around cleaning up the Portalocity office - got Jedi stopping by again? - until my roommate the anarchist showed up with commiseration and some questions about sales. Psst, Jim? Sales are just another tool the Man uses to systematically control the people. Or so your buddies on the internet tell me. Finally, at the Devil’s Nest, the proprietor was all depressed about the DJ playing something called Wings. Poor guy.

Topher: Sounds pretty upsetting.

Peter: Must be terrible, yeah.