Fandom Radio, Thursday, November 24th

[lockestheway]

Topher: Ow! OW! Why are you GRABBING me? No. No. I DON’T WANNA BE BITTEN. GET OFF. GET AWAY FROM ME. Look, I’ve told you a zillion times, I DON’T KNOW WHERE PETER IS -- okay. FINE. OKAY. STOP IT. I will call him. Okay!? OKAY.

*ringing*

Peter: This is Peter. Topher, what do you want?

*chittering*

Topher: Um. There are some angry squirrels trying to eat my hair! I think they wanna know where you are.

Peter: … So you call me? Now they have my number!

Topher: ...I didn’t want them to EAT MY HAIR, Peter.

*typing*

Topher: Look, can you just read those? Loudly?

Peter: Topher, no one’s going to eat your hair, because your hair is disgusting.

*pressing of holographic keys*

Topher: Is not.

Peter: No, it definitely is. Anyway, let me take a look at this...

Peter: So today, it’s Peace and War leading the charge. They discussed terrain, a vital part of military strategy - I’m told - and turned in their homework. Following that, they discussed the various properties of terrain, and I’m sure it was all incredibly educational. Strange Creatures of the Deep does the whole ’let’s watch a movie because it’s a holiday’ thing - convenient. Tricks, Cons and Bamboozles, on the other hand, upped the ante with some no doubt stellar mystery dinner theater. Hope you all got your money’s worth. It involved some obscure combination of cards and sleuthing, so I’m sure someone amused themselves.

Topher: Look, do I have to stay here for this? I could just leave you here on speaker. The squirrels know what to do.

Peter: You’re responsible for this; you have to stick around and face the music. In fact, you’re reading the next bunch of notes. Right now. Or I’ll go find a rodent who will eat your hair.

Topher: You wouldn’t.

...Okay! Um. So in that class I’m told is scary, the teacher put on a Thanksgiving play. It was probably... uh. I don’t know. And Claudia was there, and Mr. Madrox asked her to put out the turkey -- that sounds bad -- and talked about Thanksgiving plans.

Then in that club Tony keeps saying I shou-- uh, never mind -- people mingled and talked about what they’re thankful for. And they could also talk to that scary girl with the spatula or Pajama Guy. And in the library, Gabrielle was apparently worried because of some letters or something. Oh no.

Topher: That Scary Teacher Guy also had office hours and he was apparently concerned. Yeah, I’m not that bothered by it? And the horse teacher person had office hours too. She was freaked out too. This is a trend.

DORMS

Peter: Student Council tried to get in the spirit of things with a thanksgiving meal cookout, and again, I’m sure a lot of people were terribly excited. It’s a staple of American culture, after all - and for those of you who aren’t American, it features free food, so you have nothing to complain about.

Topher: Yeah, except the food is only free TOMORROW. When I’m not even gonna be here. Ugh.

Peter: What, your parents aren’t making you free food? Your life’s so rough.

Topher: ...my mom’s gonna have vegetarian turkey and organic crackers.

Peter: No wonder your growth is stunted.

Topher: *high-pitched mimicking noises*

Peter: Elphaba swoops on by and to the rescue of anyone with different dietary needs, which she takes up with Annie. Annie takes due action to protect everyone from gluten. Good work, Annie. A few steps down the line, Karla and Elphaba did the dance of ‘food, glorious food’ in these troubling days. Annie confronts Petra with the troubling reality of apple crostatas, and I’m sure our listeners know exactly what that is. And then Petra tries to coach Karla through making pumpkin pie. I’m sure that went well. This troubling trend continues when Annie tells Karla she can make rolls. And pie. I’ll refrain from comment.

Then in what is either the strangest or the most damning sentence I’ve ever spoken aloud on the radio, Topher here is the sane one, confronting Karla on the quality of her cooking. Topher, my friend, I’d say I hardly knew ye, but you just let a bunch of squirrels call me, so you’re alive and you’re dead to me.

Topher: Look. SHE CAN’T COOK. SHE SHOULDN’T BE IN THERE. Even if she is a girl.

Peter: Yeah, that’s not the part of your actions I’m questioning here, kid.

Topher: ...I don’t get it.

Peter: Of course you don’t. Moving on. Quinn made what I’m sure is a lovely casserole - sorry I’m not there to try it - and heard about Annie having some trouble making it over the causeway. Why? Has it gotten longer since I left? Though. according to Quinn, Gunther’s doing something to Thanksgiving with a tuna. You might want to avoid the hotel until further notice, folks. Caroline confesses that she isn’t much of a cook - she prefers ordering - and tells Petra that she hopes someone’s making rolls. I think you’re going to want to back away from the rolls.

Topher: Yeah, you’re actually not going to want to be around any of the food that they made in that common room at all.

Peter: Oh, I’m sure some of it is fine. After all, some of the people involved are lovely, competent ladies.

Topher: ...yeah no.

Peter: And now we know why Caroline was actually there: she was bringing in the gravy. Sounds like a veritable feast you guys have got there. Petra wants to put some oysters in the stuffing she brought, and I have no idea whether that’s a good idea, but go for it. Rilla shows up with a basket and harrowing tales of mail getting stuck in Paris... and Nairobi. Impressive, Portalocity. I tip my hat to you.

Topher: Yeah, I’m not excited to take that portal home with Kenzi tomorrow. I’m really not.

Peter: Kenzi? I owe you a bottle of booze already.

Topher: You do. You do. Anyway. Warren was hanging out with that guy Wesley and I guess drinking and calling people. Hey! Dude. You could’ve invited me!

Peter: After the last time, I’m a little impressed people are still talking to you at all.

Topher: You mean like you?

Peter: Well, what can I say. I’m a long-haul kind of guy.

Topher: ‘Course you are. Then someone named Isabel was all pissed off at some guy for disappearing. Ugh. Women, right?

Peter: Not so sure that’s just a women thing, Topher, kid.

Topher: LA LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU.

Peter: You’re getting mature in my absence. I can tell.

Topher: OKAY. ANYWAY. Then someone named Jack showed up and they talked about how Ronan is great for letting them stay there. Sounds fascinating. Then Isabel got a phone call from someone named Peter Petrelli -- seriously, what’s with all these people I’ve never heard of? And then Wyatt showed up with Savannah. I’m riveted.

Peter: If you’re going to start watching daytime, I don’t want to hear about it.

Topher: THINK I’M GOOD, THANKS. Then Alex Cabot got a package from Gibbs. Apparently this made her cry. It was probably like, meta for the Titanic DVD or something.

TOWN

Topher: Okay, see, this? This is what I’m talking about. They had a special on vegetarian turkey at Cafe Luke’s. That is GROSS. That’s what my mom makes. NO ONE WANTS TO EAT IT. I’M SERIOUS.

Peter: Except vegetarians.

Topher: Right, but they’re lame. So. Then Jello Girl was at the hotel, and people couldn’t deliver things I guess because they didn’t want to be around her --

*page turning*

-- oh, or because of the causeway. No, I like my reason better.

Peter: Her name is Quinn, Topher. Quinn.

Topher: That’s a guy’s name.

Peter: No, right now, it’s a girl’s name. Sorry about that, Quinn. He’s an idiot.

Topher: ...Peter. GENIUS.

Peter: Not if this is you actively trying to avoid getting punched in the face again.

Topher: Anyway, some chick was having tea at the Perk. Seriously, it’s a good thing we’ve got these squirrels around to tell us these things! Whatever would we do without them?

Peter: Get on with our actually productive lives?

Topher: PRETTY MUCH. Some play thing had a rehearsal at The Boards. People arrived and -- oh. Um. Oh, I guess Billy was there.

*awkwardly long pause*

Peter: Moving on, Topher.

Topher: Yeah so Troy gave Billy a book. Cool. That’s fun. Billy’s cool. And, um, they all introduced themselves and started brainstorming -- what, like, what dances they were going to do? Please.

Peter: You’d almost think it was a theater rehearsal!

Topher: Oh, yeah. That’s exactly what they were brainstorming. My roommate’s crazy girlfriend suggested a duet or a dance number. Lame. Apparently the directors thought that was dumb. Because it is.

...Dave, please don’t let her kill me.

Peter: Here’s a pro tip: if you don’t want her to kill you, don’t speak kuso on the radio, mmkay?

Topher: Kuso?

Peter: Shit. You need to learn some 22nd century slang, or you’re going to be lagging behind, kid.

Topher: Look, if you want to take me to the future to learn it, I wouldn’t be complaining or anything...

Peter: Pretty sure Thanksgiving’s just for my immediate family. Mom might get a little piffed off.

Topher: Ugh. Fine. I’ll stick to fake turkey, then. So Mercy didn’t know what she could really do, but Jono told her he could find a song for her. I’m sure everyone celebrated. Pretty exciting stuff. And Karla offered to sing and play the piano, which I’m sure everyone totally wanted her to do since she’s SO GREAT AT EVERYTHING ELSE SHE DOES -- *cough* -- that they probably all jumped out of their seats to give her a chance. Totally.

Peter: Was that so hard?

Topher: ...that was sarcasm. You knew that, right?

Peter: And you’ve just blown your alibi again. Congratulations, Brink.

Topher: OH. I DIDN’T REALIZE THAT WAS WHAT WE WERE DOING. I mean, I was totally being serious?

Peter: No, it’s blown. Stop trying.

Topher: UGH. Fuck. Okay. So also the directors were there. Fascinating.

Peter: And after the rehearsal came the birthday party. Miley’s birthday party, as a matter of fact. She was absolutely ecstatic about the whole thing, she and Caroline shared hugs, etcetera, you know what these things are like. Jacob had helped set the whole thing up, so he was around to harvest his praise, while Annie got distracted by the flamingoes. Miley agreed with that reaction. Annie and Caroline shared ‘oh, I haven’t seen you since the cooking party of doom!’ chit-chat. Dave also turned up mostly to harvest good boyfriend points. Clever, folks. So Caroline gave him some booze. Makes sense to me.

Topher: ...is he going to throw up on my pillow? NO, SERIOUSLY. I DON’T WANT THAT IN MY ROOM.

Peter: Not everybody lives to regurgitate bodily fluids onto your bed.

Topher: ...no, the crazy girlfriend did. Seriously. Ask her.

Peter: Think I’ll pass. Meanwhile Rilla was also trying to harvest praise... for her hat. She got some, or at least some staring, from Miley. Caroline complimented her bravery. I think there’s something about the hat...

Topher: Wait, is that Baby Girl? I’ve seen the hat. It’s a bird.

Peter: Right. Chloe shot herself full of coffee at the clinic. Jessica got busy freaking out about some phone calls gone unreturned at the Devil’s Nest - a real tragedy - while Nathan... did pretty much the same thing at Caritas. What? Do we have a bunch of dramatic break-ups going on here or what?

Topher: Seems like it. Okay, so the squirrels just handed me, like, a textbook’s worth of notes on this next part. Get comfortable.

RESERVES

Topher: So there was this meeting, I guess to talk about how people’s home worlds are going all weird and Portalocity sucks. True story.

Peter: Wait, what?

Topher: Raven was there and looked sick. Ender was concerned and asked what was up, and she said her soul is linked to the multiverse. SOUNDS LEGIT.

Peter: No, seriously, what?

Topher: I know, right? Then Ethics Guy told her she looked like crap. Nice.

Ender watched people, which totally isn’t weird, and Ben brought him food and planned how they were gonna go talk to people. Is that usually something you plan? ‘Cause usually I pretty much wing it...

Peter: Oh, trust me. It’s noticable.

Topher: Nah, I don’t think so.

Peter: I’m not surprised you said that.

Topher: Isabel was also watching people and drinking coffee. Jaina -- who I’m pretty sure is Ben’s ex-girlfriend or maybe his cousin -- said hey and caught up and talked about Portalocity sucking. Oh! This is the cousin! She got stuck in all these shitty places! Seriously, look on Twitter. It’s kind of hilarious. I’m serious.

Peter: Sorry, twi- what?

Topher: Then Stephanie bit her nails and ate a muffin. That’s not true. She totally destroyed that muffin. I was there. She and Ben talked about how it looks like only good guys are disappearing, which... I sorta want to know if I count for that. Um?

Peter: Does it really matter? ‘Good’ and ‘evil’ are definitely in the eye of the beholder.

Topher: And then I talked to her about how I’m leaving tomorrow and it’s gonna suck. ‘Cause she looked lonely. Yup. I’m considerate like that.

Peter: Yeah, I’m sure if we do a show of hands of the most considerate people in the room, you’ll come out with flying colors.

Peter: Jack Priest spent the meeting playing the wallflower, not that this kept my brother from turning up to talk to him about how... Valentine’s missing.

… Ender, why haven’t I heard about this?

Topher: Wait, what? And he didn’t even tell you? And isn’t yours about to...

Peter: Shut up.

Topher: Shutting up!

Peter: Jono’s drinking coffee when Ben swings by to talk more about my disappearing sister and being too distracted to talk to him. Jack the Currently Still At Fandom also gets a visit from young Skywalker, probably for more details about my sister that I don’t know about.

Topher: Dude, do you want me to see if I can talk to them before I leave? That’s pretty, uh...

Peter: She’s my sister, too.

Topher: Well. Yeah. You’d think he’d tell you or something.

Peter: Yeah. You would.

Warren is also doing the wallflower thing, though he takes some time out of his schedule to talk to my brother about the amnesia problems people outside of the island seem to have been having. Where was I for this whole thing? Ender, you owe me a phone call. Anyway, Wesley also stops by to talk to Warren, and they make arrangements to call each other’s father’s, because it’s too hard to do it themselves.

Topher: Probably because Warren has those claws.

Peter: Hm?

Topher: It’d make it harder to call people? Never mind.

Ethics Guy was there, all worried and stuff. Isabel came over and hugged him and talked about people who have disappeared, which... seriously, guys? That seems to be happening a lot. Then the principal checked in on him. He seems pretty capable to me, you know.

Peter: Sometimes it helps to touch base.

Topher: Claudia was there and kept checking her texts. Oooh! I know why! -- We’ll get to it later, though. I don’t wanna spoil.

Peter: I think we’re a little beyond spoilers here.

Topher: The notes are in order for a reason! Shh!

Peter: Because squirrels obsess about chronological order?

Topher: Ender came by to talk to her about how this dude Peter Bishop disappeared, and then they talked about how maybe the whole Fandom and everything is just a simulation like in The Grid. Dude. Wouldn’t that be sorta awesome? I mean, majorly creepy, duh, but kind of cool.

...I love that movie, okay?

Peter: That would definitely make for a good alternate explanation as to why you keep getting punched...

Topher: Have you seen it? It’s awesome.

...and what do you mean?

Peter: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Topher: So anyway, Mr. Madrox was there and was all quiet. And Ethics Guy asked what was wrong. Apparently there are people missing. REALLY? I NEVER WOULD’VE GUESSED.

And Ben’s cousin or ex, I’m still not sure was sleep-deprived after the whole Portalocity drama and drank coffee. And Ethics Guy hugged her. Cool.

Peter: Principal Winchester and her daughter were also at the meeting, keeping an eye on everything. Isabel the alumni noted that Grace was growing up pretty fast. She’s a kid - I’m sure that’s in the manual. Mercy was there, to receive reassurance from Billy about the whole situation and is it just me or does this squirrel seem overly infatuated with this guy?

*beat*

Actually, I don’t think the squirrels are the only ones, if this whole spiel about you and Billy doing the ‘so you like guys? I like guys’ thing at each other like a bunch of virginal monkeys is correct.

*incoherent sputtering*

Topher: DUDE!

Peter: Sorry, is the politically correct term ‘apes’?

Topher: I HATE YOU.

Then people talked about what was going on in their own worlds, like with phones not working and people disappearing and it kind of seems like we miiiiight have covered that already? I’M JUST SAYING.

Peter: Sounds like they’re taking stock of anything that might point to what this thing is.

Topher: Yeah, but it’s BORING.

Peter: Sometimes you have to do the boring thing to avoid getting eaten by a big gaping void.

Topher: Yeah, you would know. YOU NEVER PLAYED WITH THE ROCK THAT TIME.

Peter: And look which one of us didn’t turn into a monster!

Topher: ...shut up. Okay. Raven does that whole my-soul-is-the-multiverse thing again, like it wasn’t weird enough the first time. Jack of the AI-having variety is rightfully confused, because WEIRD, and Jono takes this opportunity to give her a public service announcement on how teleporting would be dangerous. Mhm. Dude, if I could teleport, I don’t think I’d so much listen to that. I’m just saying.

Peter: No, but then you’re famous for your self-preservation-otomy. Mind banging your head off the wall for a bag of nachos?

Topher: ...where are the nachos? You’re not even HERE.

Peter: When I get back.

Topher: Deal!

...Oh. Um. Yeah, Peter... so, Ender says people from his world were disappearing and only he and his sister could remember them.

Peter: Just because my Valentine is safe and sound in the dining room messing around with sporks doesn’t mean he doesn’t have a responsibility to let me know what is going on here.

Topher: ...sporks? Really? Why?

Peter: They’re the hermaphrodites of cutlery.

Topher: Except they don’t have knives.

Peter: No, but they fit together just fine.

Topher: ...I’M JUST GONNA PRETEND THAT WAS NEVER SAID, OKAY? Anyway, also Ender’s internet connection kept fizzling. Dude! That sucks! I just got a spectrum analyzer thingy if you need to run some diagnostics!

Peter: Mine has been fine.

Topher: Well, yeah, ‘cause Ben said otherwise you’d probably scr-- NEVER MIND.

Peter: What was that?

Topher: Um. Anyway! Jack wanted to know why only Ender and Valentine could remember the people who disappeared, and Ender said it was because Val used to go to school here, and maybe all this exposure to the multiverse helps you remember things? Huh. Dude! That’d be kind of awesome if it was true. Call me, we’ll figure out tests?

Peter: Me or Ender?

Topher: Ender. Duh.

Peter: Sure. Fine. Whatever.

Topher: Then Wesley, that dude who looked like Tony when he was all shrunk, theorized that maybe Valentine disappearing was temporary if all those internet blips were temporary, and Ender was not so much with that idea. Because it’s kind of awful. So Wesley apologized.

Jack talked about how his sister disappeared. Dude. There’s sort of a lot of missing sisters? Is that a thing? Also, the causeway tried to kill him or something.

Peter: Please don’t tell me we’ve also got a killer causeway to contend with now.

Topher: ...look, I’m not even gonna talk about how awesome that would probably be. Creepy! But awesome.

Peter: That is not awesome!

Topher: ...kinda is!

Peter: You know how many people use that thing on a daily basis?!

Topher: Well, I don’t!

Ender asked for details on both of those things, and Jack explained. And then Vincent was all concerned that Jack meant someone named Lexi, but really it was someone named Zoe, and really, this is not that important to my life, I’m just saying.

Peter: Continuing the ‘this is what happened to me’ conga line is Wesley. His ‘Buffy’ is gone - I’m not sure whether that’s a euphemism or a person. Tara hasn’t lost anyone, but she’s having some trouble contacting a friend, and she and Wesley compare notes on their similar universes. Hers doesn’t seem to be affected, but theirs are.

Topher: ...if that was a euphemism, what would it mean?

Peter: Two words, Topher. Girl. Parts.

Topher: Stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it! LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA --

Peter: And that’s why I didn’t mention the actual euphemism.

Topher: La la la la la la la...

Peter: Isabel apparently just escaped this thing with her life, talking about how people and buildings have been disappearing from her home almost indiscriminately. This... is not good, is it?

Topher: GUESSING NO. Dude, if your world disappears while you’re home, try not to get eaten?

Peter: I’ll give that a shot, buddy. Ender figures out she’s an alumni, and they wind up talking about everything Isabel’s seen. He’s suitably worried. Karla shares a picture of the phenomenon she got from a friend shortly before he disappeared, and Isabel affirms that it looks like what she encountered. Jack Priest says he’s missing a good chunk of his hometown and his roommate, and Stephanie lost a couple of friends.

Topher: Ooh! The spoilery part! So Claudia is missing people. Sad. But! She works at a place that has all this cool stuff that might be responsible for what’s going on! So I was all, ‘Get someone to check for you!’ Except she was like, ‘People at home think I’m crazy.’ So, not a great plan.

Peter: Thanks for keeping me on the edge of my seat.

Topher: Happy to help!

That Horse Teacher sang a song. I heard it. It was scary. Even Ethics Guy was scared.

Peter:I think getting people to wet their pants might be the pony’s superpower.

Topher: Karla had notes and a spreadsheet on everyone who’s gone missing, because that’s not crazy obsessive or anything. This made Cassidy cry at her, though, which blows. Ugh. Gross.

Peter: And once again, the prize for the most considerate man on this island goes to... someone else.

Topher: Look, it’s creepy when people cry, okay? I don’t do it. It’s weird.

Peter: Pretty sure it’s biological. But hey, if you can build a better person without tear ducts, go right ahead.

Topher: Or people could just not get all gross and emotional. Ew.

Peter: Yeah, that’ll work.

Topher: It will! And Jack Priest looked at her notes. I’m sure he thought they were super great! ...hey, Peter, could you tell it was sarcasm that time?

...DAMNIT.

Peter: Yes. Yes, I could.

Topher: Fuck.

Peter: Mmm. Jon O’Neill is having comms trouble, and Seifer is also missing a few people. Jaina’s world is fine, but hers is running on a different timeframe, though according to Jon that doesn’t mean much. And finally, the leaders were around, surveying it all.

Topher: ...wait, I’m out of pages. Is it over?

Peter: Yes, it’s over. Thanks for messing up my Thanksgiving already, Brink.

Topher: Anytime! Hey, can I talk to Val?

Peter: … Why?

Topher: I dunno. To say happy Thanksgiving or something? She seemed cool. But, you know. Scary. Also.

Peter: Turn off the radio equipment and we’ll talk.

Topher: Cool! Okay, I’ll --

*click*