Fandom Radio, Saturday, March 31st

[dollpocalypse]

Peter: I’d say ‘good morning’, but I’m fairly sure no one’s having one. I just managed to shake my child for five minutes to come do this radio broadcast, and I doubt I’m alone.

Topher: Your what?

Peter: Kid. Showed up, claims to belong to me and Nat.

Topher: ...ew?

Peter: Strange. Anyw--

*thunk* *thud* *creak*

Genevieve: Parents.

Topher: ...is that her?

Peter: … No.

Genevieve: *sigh* I’m Genevieve, do we really need introductions? You’ve had all morning to cope.

Topher: …...what?

Gen: Parents of mine. You are.

Peter: … Oh god, please kill me.

Topher: Me too. Um. Please.

Gen: Can’t. You’ve got radio to read.

Topher: But -- but -- how!?

Peter: … Topher, for the record? You are banned from science. Forever.


SCHOOL

Peter: Leadership class continued its merry streak of having little to do with leadership by giving dancing lessons, and-- oh. It’s a pun. Learning to lead in a dance. Very clever.

Gen: He doesn’t think it’s clever.

Peter: Sarcasm doesn’t work when you have to explain it.

Topher: You'd think she'd have learned that. If we're her... ugh. You know.

Gen: Baby daddies? Well. Baby daddy. Singular. And baby momma. Singular.

*choking noises*

Topher: I'm sorry?

Gen: Sorry, mom, is your hearing going?

Topher: But -- I didn't -- but -- huh?

Peter: ...Heh. Oz demonstrated some of his wonderful teaching skills by promising us a pop quiz and then not giving it to us. Brava. And finally Wesley was looking for books about demons with eyes on the back of their heads. So many terrible puns, so many terrible turns of phrase.

DORMS

Peter: Dave sold tickets to the prom on the first floor. I’m willing to bet some of you are regretting you went right now. Whether Seifer is one of that number, I don’t know, but he did get a ticket. Ryan stuck to her room and watched people stop by--

Gen: Because that’s totally not creepy.

Peter: Genevieve, is it? Inside voice.

Gen: *sigh*

Topher: I hear you.

Peter: Then after the prom, Karla and Warren went to a hotel room--

*rustling*

Gen: Hey!

Peter: ...and presumably had a very romantic night.

Gen: Don’t touch my ears again.

Peter: Likewise, Rinoa stopped by Squall’s room--

Gen: HEY!

Peter: For another very romantic night.

Gen: I told you not to touch my ears!

Peter: And I chose not to respond to that.

TOWN

Peter: Bod is manning the front end of Cafe Luke’s again, but that’s not really news. Likewise, the only thing Toby has done at Goodvalor’s yesterday that was worthy of note is, quote unquote, ‘bumming out the droids’.

Gen: Bummer.

Peter: Topher? You’re no longer allowed to teach this kid 21st century slang. She sounds like a dull bob.

Topher: I didn't! I mean. Not intentionally!

Peter: Int--

Gen: Intentionally being the operative word.

Peter: … Yes.

Topher: Why are you so much like him and not like me? That isn't fair.

Gen: Dad just wants to improve my chances later on in life.

Topher: Hey. I have a lot of prospects.

Peter: Littlest Skywalker is welding things needlessly to other things, and I shiver to think what that might even mean. Then my brother stops by to talk about all of Skywalker’s many and myriad family issues. Cry me a river.

Seifer started the prom slacking early by turning up late to work and then blasting music. I’m sure your employers are terribly happy with you. Kenzi... offered ‘prom night supplies’--

Gen: It’s something dirty, isn’t it. You wouldn’t be quoting like that if it wasn’t.

Peter: You’re ten years old. Don’t make me hold you upside down and wash your ears out.

Topher: ...I'm pretty sure you shouldn't be doing that?

Gen: Thanks, ma.

Topher: *choking noises*

Peter: And finally at the Devil’s Nest, the DJ o-- compensated for the silence by beating people’s eardrums out with loud music. Class act.

PROM

Topher: And then there was a prom. Themed like Mars. Really? Idea-thieves. Anyway, people were arriving -- I never get why I have to say that. I mean, duh they arrived. Matt and Stacey talked about how they hoped there weren't going to be real aliens, because clearly they have no idea how dance themes work, and Ben and Ender made fun of this impression of space. Ha. I said the same thing at the restaurant. And then Karla made Ender dance with her. Gross.

Gen: You know what happens when people dance together.

Topher: She kills Ender in his sleep?

Gen: They do call it le petit mort--

Peter: They. Not you.

Topher: ...I have no idea what that means.

Peter: When you’re older. Both of you.

Topher: ...fine. Bruce and Kate were there together, hopefully not scary crazy Kate because Bruce is kind of cool and I don't want him punched in the face, and she thought the decorations were watching her. So maybe she is crazy.

Peter: I don’t think that’s an ‘if’ at this point. I say that with all the love in my heart, Kate.

Topher: Then Lucrezia came to say hi to Bruce, and then went to spin with Rapunzel, who was also spinning with Karla. Yeah, I'm glad I missed this dance. Superheroing was way more fun.

Gen: Oh god, don’t tell me you wore a cape.

Topher: I didn't! B-- I mean. Never mind, okay?

Peter: I think we’re all happier off not minding.

Topher: Luke told Percy how the Mars theme made this better than other dances, which is completely true but it was still lame overall. Danotsurehowtopronouncethat was confused by the theme and so was Chuck, whatever, losers, and also she apparently caught Lucrezia sneaking in. I'm sure the police were in an uproar. And then Kate the Crazy came to say hi to Puck. And Puck and Quinn decided they were the most attractive people there. Um, egos much? AnywayI'msureitwasTony.

Gen: Ew, Tony. Really, mom?

Topher: What's wrong with Tony!? And don't call me that!

Gen: All he ever talks about is models!

Topher: He does not! Don't be mean about him!

Gen: I’m not being mean, just realistic.

Topher: Just don't, okay? Miley and Dave were there together, yuck, and they talked about space cowboys. Like in Lightning Bug! Except Dave completely doesn't qualify. And then Wesley and Katniss talked about how the theme is weird but they only have a few more weeks to adjust before graduation. Kay.

Sookie was there even though she graduated because she took some time off work. Karla came over mostly to just tell her she was allowed to be around her boyfriend. Really? And Rinoa came over to hug her. This is obviously the most fascinating news ever. Not.

Peter: No, tell us how you really feel.

Topher: Natalie promised not to step on Sam's toes. Sam the guy. I think. Who knows? Then Tara and Ender talked about summer plans, and Tara and Karla and Tara and Rinoa talked about Tara's outfit because they're girls and they're boring.

*long pause*

...no offense, uh, you?

Gen: All of it taken.

Topher: You don't talk about clothes, do you?

Gen: No, I talk about clothes. All the time. All day.

Topher: ...no way are you my kid.

Gen: Terribly sorry, mom, but I’m pretty sure I am.

Topher: Stop calling me that!

Topher: Anyway, yep, Crazy Kate was there, with Bod. And he was glad about that, because he's weird. Jeremy and Juliet talked about clothes designers, lame. And then he saw George and was distracted by kissing. Gross. Who put that in the notes?

*chittering*

Topher: Well, I don't care, I don't like it. Seifer saw his roommate in a dress and was all surprised she was actually a girl. Um, how long have you guys been living together? 'Cause you'd think you would've made the connection sooner. And then tried to get put in a different room.

Peter: Presumably that was hyperbole, Topher.

Topher: Well, it's written down. They should've been more clear. Seifer got yelled at until he told Karla where he was. Doesn't surprise me. Then Rinoa made him tell her she looked nice. You can resist that kind of peer pressure, dude. Just run.

Hanna and Elphaba had matching dresses? I thought that was a bad thing. But they were all happy about it or whatever. Karla and Warren talked about clothes, ew, and Caroline and Jake talked and mostly just pretended Jake was happy to be here. Which he wasn't. I hear you, dude.

...except not really, 'cause my thing last night was really cool. But if I was there, I mean, I would've heard that. And sympathized.

Peter: You heard it here first, Jake. Topher sympathizes with you.

Gen: Woo-hoo.

Topher: Just... shut up, okay? Rinoa and Squall started kissing or whatever and seriously, you guys need to find better things to put in the notes. Then she and Karla hugged and talked about how more people should be wearing blue. ...okay? And... *sigh* Tony and Stephanie talked about their first times.

*pause*

*pages rustling*

...oh, in space. OKAY.

Peter: Oh good. It would have been terrible if your brain wound up broken.

Topher: My brain is awesome. Shut up.

Gen: That’s real debating logic at work.

Topher: Kate Gregson was eating food and talking to Luke about who they thought would win for the... voting for people thing. Whatever it's called. Annie and Gabrielle were dubious about the cherry pie fountain -- which sounds good but totally something to be dubious about -- but Ben was apparently really liking it. Enough for Karla to tease him. Mean.

Then Tony found Ben and Ben informed Tony that he looked like a penguin. So he was... wearing a tux. I guess. Um. Cool.

Peter: It’s a prom. Presumably every guy in the room was wearing one.

Topher: Yeah, but. I mean. Never mind, okay? Ben and Bruce talked about the food and then gravity. I don't even wanna know.

Also there were chaperones, and a confusing attempt at a conga line, Seifer and Squall talking in a dark corner oh gross, and Ben and Ender dancing. I'm not very shocked.

Peter: *gentle, distant gagging noises*

Topher: And then the... voting-for-people thing was announced, and Bruce and Quinn and Tony and Petra all, like, won things or something. Oh, congrats, Tony. And Bruce. And they danced, I guess.

...not Bruce and Tony. Bruce and Quinn. And Petra and Tony. Just to make that clear.

Peter: Because the horror if it wasn’t.

Topher: And Sam Puckett and Freddie came late and talked about ham, doesn't surprise me, and Bruce and Cara speculated about whether the pie filling was spiked.

...the end?


Gen: THE END!

Peter: Did she just shout at you facetiously?

Topher: I think so.

Peter: I think I like this kid.

Topher: Well, I don't.

Gen: Nobody asked you, mom.

Topher: Stop calling me that!