WTFH

Katchoo: -- IN THE FRIKKIN' BOOTH ALREADY, YOU STUPID --

Lacey: Okay, okay, ow! We're in . . . oh, gosh, did you hear that?

Katchoo: Heard it. Heard a lot of it. They're just shadows. Don't let it get to you. The mutant roaches, on the other hand . . .

Lacey: Ugh. Oh, we're on. Uh, hi, Fandom? Lacey Burrows here, with my former cohost --

Katchoo: -- and temporary bodyguard, apparently. Hopefully if you're hearing this, you're somewhere safe. 'cause lemme tell ya, right now it ain't out there, and oh, God . . .

( One broadcast, behind the cut at the price of one click. Offer void where prohibited. )

Hi, everyone! *THUNK*

. . . wow. ( Busy Thursday. )

Hi everybody, happy Thursday, and happy July! July already. Wow. I'd ask where the time went, but in Fandom, do you really want to know the answer? Oh, gosh, I crack me up, right, guys?

*dispassionate acorn-crunching noises*

. . . right.

( Oh, that Lacey Burrows. So hilarious. In her own mind. )

Evening, everyone! Lacey Burrows here with you on yet another Thursday evening in Fandom. Did you miss me? Not you, squirrels. I know you're only going to give me a sarcastic answer.

( Because that's the sort of constant that keeps the world turning on its axis. )

Evening, Fandom! Lacey Burrows with you here on WTFH, now on what looks like my regular night for the summer. It's been a while since I did Thursdays . . . wow, memories. Of course, back then I had a cohost, but -- oh, gosh. Anyway. You know, this intro banter thing is a lot shorter without her griping at me to shut up and get to it?

( Let's LJ-cut to the chase anyway. )

Evening, Fandom! Lacey Burrows here, and, uh . . . I seem to be dong this alone tonight. I tried to call Katchoo to see where she was and she told me to -- oh, fill in the blanks.

( Not dirty, because it's just Lacey. )

Lacey: Evening, Fandom! Lacey Burrows here.

Katchoo: Because one of us has to be perky and it sure as hell ain't gonna be me.

Lacey: Well, that would be unreasonable, wouldn't it? Aw, did you miss us, Tuesday night?

Katchoo: Yeah, I'm sure it was just weeping bitter tears over missing us last week.

Lacey: Always have to be sarcastic, don't you?

Katchoo: I like to be consistent.

( Consistently cranky, anyway. )

Mitchell: Ow! Was it really necessary to drag me all the way through a portal?

*chittering*

Mitchell: You're damn lucky I'm a night person!

Deadpool: Haaa. I get it. That was cute.

Mitchell: There's nothing cute about this. They threatened to bite me in the shin!

Deadpool: Are you afraid of squirrels? Weeeak.

Mitchell: Have you ever been assaulted by a plague of squirrels heading for your nether regions?!

Illyria: Yes. I beat them off with my sword.

{Pause}

Illyria: Then they stole my sword. RETURN IT TO ME AT ONCE, VERMIN, OR WAKE TOMORROW AS A PARTICULARLY WARM COAT.

( And it all goes downhill from here. )

Lacey: Evening, Fandom! I can actually see you tonight!

Katchoo: . . . while I know what you're trying to say, that was pretty sad.

Lacey: Aw, but you knew what I meant. That's the important part, right? Since we're all thinking clearly tonight and not seeing strange creatures?

Katchoo: Yeah. Yeah, let's go with that. Sure. Why the hell not?

( Why the hell not indeed? )

Lacey: Evening, Fandom! Lacey Burrows here, along with my cohost who just barely showed up. Way to be on time, Crankypants.

Katchoo: Bite me, Lacey, I had a friend's birthday party to go to.

Lacey: You have friends?

Katchoo: ( OH, GO #*@)(#!()*!@#@ YOURSELF. )

Lacey: Evening, Fandom! Lacey Burrows here, the Canadian half of your Tuesday night broadcast team, hoping I'll make it through the show without my American counterpart killing me --

Katchoo: Because I care so frikkin' much about hockey? You're only worrying about that now, you dingbat?

Lacey: . . . well, yeah.

Katchoo: Some people. No sense of self-preservation.

Lacey: Oh, you're one to talk.

( Takes one to know one, after all. )

Lacey: Hi, Fandom! Happy Tuesday, happy week before spring break, and I hope everyone had a happy Valentine's Day.

Katchoo: I sure as hell did. Did you?

Lacey: . . . everyone but you, I meant. *sigh*

Katchoo: I live to disappoint you, Lacey, what can I say?

Lacey: Nothing at all?

( Hahaha. As if. )

Lacey: Evening, Fandom! Lacey Burrows here, and welcome to WTF . . . why do you smell like an ashtray in a Godiva store?

Katchoo: Shut up.

Lacey: Oh, gosh, are you itchy? You know, maybe an oatmeal bath will help with that.

Katchoo: Great, then I'll smell like --

Lacey: -- a cookie in an ashtray. Ugh. Never mind. Anyway! Hi, everybody! ( Here's what's been going on today on the island. )

Lacey: Evening, Fandom! Happy Tuesday, and thanks so much for voting to put us back on the air! This is Lacey Burrows.

Katchoo: And - oh yeah. Katina Choovanski.

Lacey: Boy, you're awfully cheerful for someone who just stopped being a bunny.

Katchoo: And I will cheerfully hurt you if I have to.

( But not tonight. Sorry. )

Evening, Fandom! Lacey Burrows here. Wow, who let me on the air without a copilot, huh? Well, it's not my fault someone's off enjoying herself on a tropical island somewhere. But at least you've still got me! That's great, right?

*awkward acorn-nibbling and rum-sloshing sounds*

Don't get all excited at once, now.

( No, really, they're just taking a moment to figure out how best to express their excitement, Lacey. Really. )

And that, Fandom, is all the news we have for you tonight. Wow, that was kind of lonely. Hopefully things will be busier next week. Anyway, Lacey Burrows signing off, and hoping you all have a great night. Hope to see you in New York City tomorrow!

Lacey: Evening, Fandom! Assuming you guys can hear us, that is, and this isn't turning out to be an extended duet version of "Feliz Navidad." Lacey Burrows here.

Katchoo: Yeah, she's taking a break from Treasure Madness long enough to help read the notes tonight. Isn't that nice of her?

Lacey: Because you'd be the expert on nice.

Katchoo: And don't you forget it.

( If this did come out sounding like an extended duet version of Feliz Navidad, it'd be a duet between Alanis Morissette and Jewel. God, that's terrifying. )

Lacey: *yawn* Evening, Fandom! Happy *yawn* Tuesday! Lacey Burrows here on WTFH and . . .

Katchoo: Yeah, someone was up way too frikkin' late playin' on Facebook again, huh?

Lacey: I had ghost chilis that were going to wither if I didn't get to them by 3 AM!

Katchoo: This was a lot less pathetic when all you had was a stupid keychain virtual pet, you know.

Lacey: Hey. Don't insult Darren Five Thousand and Fifty-One.

Katchoo: Oh, for cryin' out loud.

( And then when they're done here, Lacey can go harvest that raspberry crop. )

Lacey: Hi, everyone. Happy Tuesday! At least, I hope it's a happy Tuesday. One thing you can say for sure, today's going to be hard to beet, huh?

Katchoo: I'm going to hurt you. If I don't hurt you before we even get to the notes it'll be a miracle.

Lacey: Aw, come on, what's wrong with a little humor? Lettuce enjoy this while we can. Endive right on in. *giggle* Having a little fun with this isn't that chard, is it? Tell me, honestly. Have you ever bean mallow?

Katchoo: Hurting you. So. Bad.

Lacey: Have you never tried?

Katchoo: I'll give you something to find inside if you don't quit with the punning. Like jammed down your throat.

Lacey: I might leek it.

Katchoo: *FEEDBACK*

( Parsnipped so your flist doesn't artichoke. )

Lacey: Hi, Fandom, and happy Tuesday! This is Lacey Burrows on WTFH Radio to bring you tonight's news along with my cohost, who . . . wow, you're really not looking like you're all here tonight, are you?

Katchoo: Says you. Look, I'm just gonna cut right to it, okay?

( Tonight, with 75% less growly. )

Hi, everybody! Oh, gosh, that sounds loud in here tonight.

*chittering*

Uh, hi. This is Lacey Burrows, all alone in the booth on an island with like ten people left on it.

*CHITTERING*

. . . and a lot of squirrels. And they're fuzzy company. Really! I don't miss my cohost at all. Because . . . because I have squirrels. It's great! Really.

( Give the squirrels their due, Lacey, or they will LJ-cut you. )

Lacey: That's funny, she's usually here by now . . . oh well. Hi, Fandom, happy Tuesday evening. This is Lacey Burrows, and it looks like I'll be covering the news alone tonight.

*door opening and closing*

Gabrielle: Oh, I remember this place. With the squirrels! . . . don't eat me.

Tahiri: Sit down and read and maybe they won't.

Lacey: Wait, why are both of you here?

Tahiri: Because someone keeps trying to sneak up on me again tonight, and thanks a lot, whoever gave her those little tiny caffeine drinks.

Lacey: . . . um.

( Luckily for one of them, at least, it's a slow news day. Which one? That has yet to be determined. )

Lacey: Evening, everybody! Everybody enjoying their break week? This is Lacey Burrows, of course, here with you on WTFH Radio along with my . . . surprisingly subdued cohost.

Katchoo: You want subdued, you ditz, I'll give you subdued. To the jaw.

Lacey: Right then. Where were we? Oh, right. News! What do you think? Are we ready to wade on in?

Katchoo: Oh, yeah. Lemme just roll up my pant legs here.

( Even a slow week can't stop Lacey from being this disgustingly cheerful. )

Lacey: We are in fact out of things to read, and I'd like to take this moment to be more graceful about wishing you all a good night. It's been a blast bringing you the news this summer, and we both appreciate it -- really, we both do -- and hope you'll consider v --

*irritated chittering*

*click*

*bweep*

*boop*

*digitized barking*

Katchoo: What are you doing? Oh, god, is it that stupid virtual pet again?

Lacey: No no no. That was Darren 23. This is Darren 179.

Katchoo: Geez, that's comforting. And now everybody in radioland knows you're a lousy virtual pet owner.

Lacey: What? Oh, gosh, did I say 179? I meant 9. 9. Really. Uh. Hi, everybody! Happy Thursday, and welcome to WTFH with your hosts, Lacey "I am an outstanding virtual pet owner, thank you very much" Burrows and gravel-voice here.

Katchoo: You wish you made this sound good. Right. ( >Let's just cut to the chase. )

Lacey: Hi, everybody! I know, it's Wednesday, you weren't expecting to hear us, right? Surprise!

Katchoo: Oooh. So surprised. Really. You know, you're disgustingly cheerful.

Lacey: Hey. I'll have you know I'm not in any better of a mood than I normally am when we're on the air.

Katchoo: My point.

Lacey: Right. So, what have you all been up to today, Fandom? ( Let's find out. )

Katchoo: Geez, there something in the water?

Lacey: I don't know. I'm not sleepy at all.

Katchoo: You're also not a lot of things at all.

Lacey: What's that supposed to mean?

Katchoo: Never mind. Say good night, Lacey.

Lacey: Good night -- Fandom. Ha! You thought you were going to get me with that one, didn't you? Didn't you? Well, nice try, but it's not going to --

Katchoo: AW, FOR PETE'S SAKE, YA MORON, WILL YOU FRIKKIN' SHUT U --

*click*

Katchoo: -- not this crap again, geeeeeeeeeeeeez . . .

Lacey: It's a new term. There are new students. A proper introduction is necessary. That's practically the rules.

Katchoo: Y'know you just failed t'sell me on that, right?

Lacey: Fine. Fine. How you're still upright at the moment is beyond me anyway. Hi, everybody, happy Thursday evening, and if this is your first time tuning in on a Thursday, welcome! This is Lacey Burrows here on WTFH.

Katchoo: An' I'm here too, but 'm not sayin' who I am, see, 'cuz ya gotta have a gimmick. *drunken humming*

*chittering*

Lacey: No, if she falls over just leave her there, I think.

*chitters of protest*

Well, no, I don't blame you if you don't want to deal with that either. Anyway. ( Thursday Night Radio: Half Canadian, Half Cantankerous (and Smashed) )

Katchoo: *snoring*

Lacey: That doesn't happen all the time. Boy, that puts a crimp in my broadcast wrapup.

*chittering*

Oh, good point. Well, that's gonna do it for us tonight here on WTFH. This is Lacey Burrows, on behalf of my inebriated unconscious lump of cohost, wishing all you social butterflies a good night. Bye, everyone!