WTFH

Good Evening, Fellow Fandomites! You're listening to WTFH Radio, and I'm Turtle Wexler, bringing you all of Friday's news as quickly as I can because the longer I stay here, the more likely it is that one of those ghosts will get me, so, yeah. Here's your news, and then I'm running back to the dorms like the wind.

( Ghosts are spooky, mm'kay? )

Okay. Totally read to do this. Run like the wind. I'll just...*slight pause, a bit of a grunt* stretch here a bit. And you squirrels watch and make sure the coast is clear. Okay? Okay. Ready. Set...

*CLICK*


[[ fun, insanely nerdy fact: in saving today's radio in notepad, I came to discover that I did radio last year on June 20th as well. *cues eerie twilight zone music* ]]

Good evening, fellow Fandomites! Thank God it's Friday, the day, not that guy, because that means, cue the fanfare, Wexler Radio! Whoooo! I'm going to be honest with you guys; I might be a little silly at the moment because I think I saw one of the squirrels slipping something in my otherwise non-alcoholic drink that I brought with me from the beach, which is bad! BAD SQUIRREL! NO RUM FOR YO--

*thunk*

Fine, fine, just stay away from my *hic* drink, okay? You're not putting anything in it. Allrighty, let's get to the news *hic*, shall we?

( She's not drunk, REALLY! )

*chittering*

...yeah, I think you guys's right. Once the term 'Banana Man' comes up, it's time to call it a night. So....g'nite! An' have a prosper- have a prospero-- have a...

...screw it, Imma gonna go see if Jeff's still up...

*hic* *scramble* *click*

[[ yeah. i have no idea ]]

Good evening, fellow Fandomites! It's Monday night, and you all know what that means! It's T.R. Wexler reporting all the news that's fit to broadcast right here on WTFH Radio! My wayward cohort, partner in crime, and boyfriend Jeff Murdock will unfortunately not be continuing with me, and I've promised to not disclose the reason why, but, it's Jeff. I'm sure that whatever you think it might be, it's likely a part of the issue. But let us not dwell! Let us get to the news, because there's a lot of it!

( Did everyone forget that there's a MAIN CAMPFIRE, TOO? Just saying! )

And, ladies and gentlemen, that's all the notes for this Monday! Hopefully, I will be back to read more notes for you another day! Until then, good night and have a prosperous tomorrow!

Jeff: I still think he was entirely wrong about the squirrels, Turtle.

Turtle: Who? Trip? What did he say about the squirrels?

Jeff: ...You really don't want to know. Trust me. It's too horrible.

Turtle: Too horrible for radio?

Jeff: Too horrible for people. Can we have notes? Please?

Turtle: Fine, fine. Notes. Onto the news!

( When a Man and a Woman love each other VEEEEEERY MUCH.... )

Turtle: and so on and so fo-- so fo-- so fo...So many notes...

*sound of crashing*

Jeff: Turtle? Turtle?! Turtle! Oh my god!

*more crashing noises, a chair falling, and then a CLICK*

Good evening, fellow Fandomites. T.R. Wexler here, to bring you all the news that's fit to use up all the ink in the squirrel's pens, by her lonesome, because someone thought it would be funny to go and plant into my very impressionable boyfriend's head that the ceiling might eat him, and, therefor, he won't come into the studio. I can't get much out of him, but I do know that the person involved is a female, since he keeps muttering "She knows, Turtle! She KNOWS!" and when I find out who this is, she's never going to work in this town again, I swear.

Everyone on the island is worrying about sheep; my boyfriend is worrying about carnverous ceilings. Such is my life. Let's get to the notes, because such is your life.

( Of sheep and Ceilings )

And that's all the news for tonight, folks. Let me just reiterate once more that ceiling are not going to eat people and, if they do, it's probably Karal's fault. I'm off to try to talk my boyfriend into at least going into a building enough that he can sleep in a bed instead of under a tree. G'night and have a prosperous tomorrow!

Turtle: Good evening, Fandom! You're listening to Turtle and Jeff on WTFH Radio, here to bring you all the news fit to print. Or, in this case, broadcast. We are no longer wee itty bitty children, I'm back to being sixteen and old enough to drive, heck yeah!, and Jeff has back his sleeves!

Jeff: They were in my closet. I had to use a stick, but it's better to go in the closet than to have no sleeves.

Turtle: ... And that, my friends, is advice to live your life by, let me tell you. We've got ourselves a regular ol' So Crates in our midsts.

Jeff: It's important to remember these things in case the issues come up again.

Turtle: INDEED. For now, though, shall we get to the notes?

( SLEEVES. )

Turtle: That's all the notes! Good night, everyone! Keep an eye on your sleeeeeves.

Turtle: Hey! Guess what, Fandom! I'm ba~ack! Did you miss me? Of course you did! Don't worry, I missed you, too, although, really, I had a lot of fun in the past. But home is where the heart is, even if this isn't really my home, but that's beside the point, because it may as well be because I've spent more time here lately than I have at home, so it's the same general conce--

Jeff: TURTLE! *thudding noise* You were gone for five minutes! ... I was gone for five minutes! Don't do that.

Turtle: Oof! I wasn't gone; you were gone. Stupid bathroom. But you're back now, and you're staying back because we're doing radio again. Together! Which is to say, not apart or alone!

Jeff: ...Never again. *whimpers*

Turtle: *another thudding noise*

*pause*

Let's get this done quickly, because I liked pouncing you better when I didn't have the threat of radio equipment digging into my side, Jeff.

( Pouncing Turtle, Hidden Jeffrey )

Turtle: Good! Notes! Done! We're out of here. We haven't done nearly enough cuddling and snuggling to make up for the last few months that were really only a week.

Jeff: Hasn't your roommate left?

Turtle: Uh-huh.

Jeff: ...Excellent.


*thunk*

*click*

Turtle: *spoken very quietly* Good evening, Fandom. You're listening to WTFH radio, brought to you tonight, as always on Mondays these days, by me, Turtle Wexler, and my boyfriend-slash-cohost Jeff Murdock. If you're wondering why I'm speaking so quietly, it's because I want you to listen very, very carefully, for just a moment. Do you hear that sound? *long pause* Do you know what that sound is? That sound is the majestic call of the great Canadian moose, Alces alces. Isn't it beautiful? Do you know why I'm making you listen to a moose right now?

*longer pause*

Turtle: *much louder* BECAUSE THEY'RE FREAKING EVERYWHERE! We're broadcasting right now from a transistor radio. In freaking Canada.

Jeff: Turtle? I think the squirrels came here on mooseback.

Turtle: That would explain why we have notes even though we're in freaking Canada. Very resourceful, those squirrels. Who now kind of have a delicate aroma to them, a soft, gentle mix of bacon and maple syrup....

Jeff: I'm still quite fond of the bacon tea, but you really shouldn't have added the syrup. I think that put it a bit over the top.

Turtle: Don't even get me started on the bacon tea. Let's just start the notes; the mooses are giving suspicious looks at them, and I fear that they'll start eating them before we can read them.

( Blatantly Stereotypical Canadian Radio, EH? )

*incredible amounts of noise*

Jeff: ...Turtle? I think one of the mooses just toppled! Kick it! Quickly! Kick it!

Turtle: Wait, wha-- *slight sound of flailing panic and then the dull sound of what might be a kick* ...ow.

Jeff: ...We need a nurse!

Turtle: No, we don't. That just...it didn't even move! Did you see that? These mooses are tou-- *another sound of kicking* Ha! That one got a twitch, I think. I think...uh-oh. I think we better go back to the tent, Jeff. Like....now.

*static... click... silence*

[[ no mooses were harmed in the making of this radio. ]]

Jeff: Hello everyone. It's radio day! And I'm here!

Turtle: And, so am I! Although, unlike my hapless cohost and boyfriend, that's quite the norm, isn't it?

Jeff: I really enjoy being here. Vastly. For one thing, there's no chocolate, and Karal isn't yelling at me.

Turtle: ...now would be a bad time to mention that I brought some of the candies I pick up at the store earlier, then, wouldn't it?

Jeff: ...Candies? I don't think I can look at candies again, Turtle, all I can hear is the bleating.

Turtle: Uh-huh. Chocolates. 'Cause we've got lots at the store. At very reasonable prices, for all your Valentine's Day needs.

Jeff: ...those poor sheep...

Turtle: ......What do shee-- Uhhh, never mind. Let's just get to the news, shall we?

( Within Which There Be News! Or, at the very least, petty gossip )

Turtle: And that's that! Notes are done! That broadcast was shockingly pretty light on the brain breaky and the flailing. I'm pretty impressed.

Jeff: I'm still a bit worried about the sheep.

Turtle: I'm just trying to forget that the sheep ever happened. G'nite, Fandom!

Jeff: Hello, Fandom! My girlfriend was a lesbian for a day!

Turtle: No, she wasn't.

Jeff: You kissed Hoshi.

Turtle: Hoshi kissed me. I don't kiss anyone except you, and I am not a lesbian; we proved this earlier, remember?

Jeff: Well, you're not a lesbian now...

Turtle: Nor was I ever. Can we please stop talking about my nonexistant lesbianism and get to our jobs here, Jeff?

( The following broadcast contains a 0.0% chance of girlkissy. )

Turtle: And that, ladies and gentlemen, concludes today's broadcast notes. Thank you for listening, and, for the record, I am still not a lesbian.

Jeff: *snickering* She really isn't!

Turtle: *practically audible blushing* Oh, shut up, you.

*click*

Jeff: Hello everybody! It's Radio Try-Out time again! Which is really a lot like ordinary radio if you think about it, except with far more ludicrous pressure to be something worthy of a radio broadcaster, which means it's really not quite like ordinary radio at all, and oh my god, what if I end up naked on the air and everyone who's paying attention 'cos they need to pick radio broadcasters will think about it--

Turtle: I knew I shouldn't let you start us out! No one would know if you were naked on air because they can't see you, Jeff. But, to be on the safe side, we're not going to mention 'naked' anymore throughout the entire broadcast, right? Because we really don't need that ruining our continued streak of glory.

Jeff: But that's the issue! They could be able to hear me! Rustling about!

Turtle: *very pointedly rustling papers* There. Rustling papers. Now they won't be able to hear other rustling; not that it matters because you're not naked, anyway.

Jeff: But the potential is there!

Turtle: ....ugh, let's just read the notes? Please?

( Turtle and Jeff radio :: Not for the weak at heart )

Turtle: And that's all the notes we have for tonight, Fandom! Remember, a vote for Turtle and Jeff is a vote for the good of all! Err, well...sort of.

Jeff: Well, you're really excellent, so really it's not just a vote for good, it's a vote for excellence.

Turtle: You heard the man, folks. A vote for Turtle.....and Jeff...is a vote for excellence! Good night, and have a prosperous day!

Jeff: Hello, Fandom! Turtle's not in today 'cos she's at home with her parents and my mother hasn't shown up so I think I can leave the barricade for a moment-- what happened to our notes?

*chittering*

Jeff: What do you mean, 'when the cat's out'? I don't have a cat! I have a dog!

*more chittering*

Jeff: I can keep a broadcast together! I don't need Turtle to keep a broadcast together! I'm very good at keeping things together!

Chad: ....Do you still want my help then, little bro? I don't mind, but if you wanna do it solo, that's cool.

Jeff: No, no, your help will be fine, I've just got to convince these squirrels to keep things in the right order.

*angry chittering*

Chad: *grunt* Forgot how cute these squirrels are. Let's jus' read 'em like this. I don't wanna make 'em angry at us, Jeff.

( Maybe they were just blinded by the prints of their shirts... )

Jeff: I don't see any, but that may just be the squirrels being withholding again.

Chad: *shuffling papers* Nope. Think we're good, Jeff. So we jus' say good night now?

Jeff: ...Can we hang up now?

Chad: I'll do it. It's my phone. Buenos noches, Fandom, Feliz Navidad, and, uh, happy Hanukkah and Solstice and Kwanzaa and stuff.

*click!*

[[ lol, plz to be ignoring account. kind of ]]

Turtle: Good evening, fellow Fandomites! It's Monday, a quiet Monday, and hopefully it will stay that way through the broadcast, but you never know. You can probably bet against it. Because I do radio with Jeff.

Jeff: Turtle? I think I'm starting to see tumbleweeds like in films.

Turtle: ...oh, wow. That really was a tumbleweed, wasn't it?

Jeff: I think it's looking at me a bit funny. Are tumbleweeds even supposed to look at things?

Turtle: Maybe if we ignore it and just get to the notes, it'll go away.

Jeff: ... I'm just going to move slightly in your general area. Not that general area! Just... the general area.

( RADIO IS CANCELED. Okay. Maybe not. )

Jeff: So can we go home and see about that Turtle and Jeff-style snuggling now? *sound of audible grinning* 'Cos it's important to have lots and lots of notes.

Turtle: Oy. Only if you promise not to be a skunk about it.

Jeff: ...Is my hair turning white again?

Turtle: Again? ...Nevermind. Tell me about it on the way back to the dorms.

Jeff: So Turtle wanted to switch radio dates 'cos she got tired of Blonde Squirrel flirting with me and my hair after that whole incident two weeks ago.

Turtle: Oh, don't you even start thinking of putting this all on my. You're just as eager to get away from Blonde Squirrel as I am. *pause* ....Right?

Jeff: The way she stares at my hair is mildly disconcerting, yes. I think she may be looking for a nest.

Turtle: .....eeeewwww. Let's just get on with the news, Jeff. On Mondays! Yay Monday, suddenly the most awesome day of the week because it's our new radio day!

( Cut, clearly, for AWESOMENESS )

Turtle: Of course not. Notes are over, though. Say good night, Jeff.

Jeff: Good night, Jeff! Can I go sleep now? I really need to get away from these squirrels.

Turtle: Don't we all, Jeff? Don't. We. All.

*click*

Kerrigan: Okay, you good?

Turtle: ....as good as someone who just hacked up a pile of phlegm the size of a half dollar can be.

Kerrigan: I mean to broadcast, for fu-- I said I'm not talking.

Turtle: *after a few coughs, then a sniffle* Yeah, I'b goob. *very loud blowing of nose* You sure you don't want to help, Miss Lieutenant Kerrigan? It goes faster with two people.

Kerrigan: It's just Lieutenant. Miss sounds like I'm up for a freaking modeling competition.

Turtle: Oh! Like ANTM!

Kerrigan: What--?! NO! NO MODELING!

Turtle: Mwa ha-- *cough cough cough* Uggggggh. Right. Here. You read these ones.

( EVERYONE IS SICK. THEY SHOULD BE SLEEPING, NOT DOING THINGS. THE END. )

Turtle: ....Miss Lieutenant Kerrigan, ma'am?

Kerrigan: What now?

Turtle: ....um, we...we're done. I really, really want to go back to the dor-- *coooooough* Ugh, actually. I know you were gonna take me back to the dorms, but can we pleasepleaseplease just go to the town hall-slash-clinic instead?

Kerrigan: Fine. Try not to pass out on me.

Turtle: I won't! If I do, I'll pay you an extra fifty bucks.

[[ yay and many thanks to on_her_korhal for filling in for...err...herself ]]

Jeff: So, Turtle, what would you like first? I've got the fruit basket here, but I'm not entirely certain if you're allergic to any of them, so perhaps not. And then there's the, er, CDs, and this thing I got off the internet - I love the internet, it's just so useful, isn't it?

Turtle: Jeff...what is all this stuff?

Jeff: Gifts! You know, for you. 'Cos I was an idiot and everything.

Turtle: ...That's a lot of gifts, Jeff.

Jeff: Well, I felt I had to do it properly, you know. Wouldn't want to be caught, er, undergifting.

Turtle: Definitely no threat of that here...Wow. I, uh...And all this is because of last week?

Jeff: Last week was really horrible. This week has gifts! I prefer this week.

Turtle: It's a step up, yes. Think you can keep it going better through the notes?

Jeff: Notes! Right. Let's get those notes coming. Journalism! We're really good at journalism.

( Journalism and How to be Really Good at it )

Turtle: And that, my friends, is all she wrote. Which just leaves me wondering how we're going to get all this stuff out of this studio...

Jeff: I got Nana to carry some of it on the way in. Say hello to the people of Fandom, Nana!

*momentary silence, then a truly horrible noise that sounds like a microphone getting bodychecked by a large dog*

Turtle: Jeff, are you sure you're going to be okay to do this tonight?

Jeff: I'm fine! Why wouldn't I be fine? It's not as if the apocalypse is knocking on my doorstep!

Turtle: You're right! It's not! Not for another few days now, so just buck up and make the most of the few remaining days you have left! We have a job to do here.

Jeff: Everything will be fine. Everything will be fine. Oh god, Turtle!

Turtle: That's right. Everything will be fine, Jeff. Deeeeeeep. Breaaaaaaths. Let's get to the news, yeah?

( Mum is NOT the word, OMG )

Turtle: Looks like we've reached the end of the notes. We can go back to the dorms, now, assuming Jeff is okay with me using the stairs...

Jeff: Well obviously my mother isn't here yet! ... I hope.

Good evening, fellow Fandomites! I'm afraid I have some bad news. See, I thought Jeff was just being lazy because he's been sleeping all day at work, but, well, it turns out that he's not actually here because he got locked in his closet, according to the notes. So, um, Peter? Could you please...check on him? Make sure he's alive? Thanks. I'd really appriciate that...

So, onto the news. Without Jeff. I know; it won't be the same, but hopefully, you all still love me without him and I won't disappoint.

...Psh. Please. As if I'd ever disappoint. Let's go, Wexler all the way, whooo!

( Allllll byyyyyy myyyy sel-el-elllllf )


That's it for me tonight. I'd just like to say, for the record, that, while the broadcast was much more in the serious spirit of radio that I do like to encapsulate, I miss Jeff. I think I might go camp outside of his room until I know he's okay in that closet. Or maybe if Peter's still listening to this, he'll be nice and let me in.

G'nite, and have a prosperous day, Fandom!

Turtle: Goooooooood eeeeevening, Fandom! Now, don't get all excited and start checking your calenders! It is, indeed, Tuesday, not Wednesday. You see, the only thing certain in this world is death, taxes, and change, and, well, this is one of the last one. And maybe a little of the first if you're not careful. I'm on a new day, you see, which, while not quite as allitrative, is still better because you very clever listeners knew what you were doing and voted Wexler/Murdock 2007, so I'm here with Jeff, and will be every Tuesday! Yay! We need a title for the broadcast, Jeff...

Jeff: Well, I did think of something but I'm not absolutely certain it would be okay for broadcast. See I was watching this movie this evening and then this woman took her--

Turtle: Ohhhkay, maybe we'll just save the super cool title for next week when we've had some time to think about it. And not be influenced by things that are possibly not okay for broadcast.

Jeff: ...Okay. Er. John Crichton said to bring rum? So we did. You know, just to be entirely safe, apparently it's very good for squirrel safety, better than a net even, I was suggesting a net earlier...

Turtle: Uh-huh, and then we'd have a bunch of squirrels in a net, and that just made me think of a certain blonde girl currently on crutches right now, and right then, I know it wouldn't work, s0, yeah, the rum is the way to go. Especially since I know I won't drink any of it because it's gross. Almost as gross as coffee. Almost. Anyway. News? News. The squirrels are getting rowdy.

( What do you do with a drunken squir-rel earl-lie in tha morn'in'? )


Turtle: And, finally, we have reached the end.

Jeff: We should go now. I've got some phoning to do.

Turtle: Who else would you possibly have to, ugh, phone right now?

Jeff: Well, you, obviously.

Turtle: *really long pause*

....Right. G'nite, Fandom!

*click*

[[ special thanks to the_merriest for the cameo! Much appreciated, as we know that it's hard out there for a pimp. also? we're, um, sorry? Kind of? ]]