WTFH

Marty: What is this? Where am I? Squirrel friends, I hope you didn't lead me to some kind of murder studio. Is this a murder studio? I'm noticing... lots of paper and alcohol. Is this Big Brother HQ? Noooo... there aren't fancy enough chairs for that.

What's this say? 'Dani was at the Gig with a Pitchfork... Pocahontas was exploring all over town...' Oh my god. I'm in Big Brother HQ.

*chittering*

Marty: You want me to read these? On the air? No! I do not want to be complicit in the Big Brothering of my fellow prisoners.

*door opening and closing, followed by chittering*

Darius: Where the hell are we?

Marty: Some kind of broadcast studio full of tattletale notes about the events that we and the other kidnappees got up to over the course of yesterday.

Darius: Whatever. This one squirrel wrote me a note that says if I read these, he'll give me a bottle of alcohol.

Marty: ...Does that offer go for me too?

*chittering*

( AU Weekend Radio! )

Hi, Fandom. We all know that sleep-deprivation is happening this weekend. I don't like sharing a bed. Especially with people who kick. ...Sharing the floor with Billy was okay, though.

( AU Kids Radio )

I'm done for the day, Fandom. Let's see if I can maybe go back to sleep. I doubt it.

'Kay, first off, I wanna thank all of you for being boring yesterday, 'cause I'm tired. Belated thanks, Fandom.

Nothing happened at school, obviously, because Saturday. Natalie's cat was wandering the halls in the dorms, and hopefully no one stepped on it. Or whatever. In town, Jono was asleep at the Boards and got a reward for his professionalism in the form of Natalie dropping off some coffee for him. I guess this was while her cat was unsafely wandering the dorms. I was constructing a hat at Stark Industries, which is the lamest thing I've ever been asked to build. Finally, at Caritas, April had a headache, which was probably exacerbated by the random newbie named Elektra ordering drinks and Jono whining about a friend of his -- maybe Natalie? -- and talking about travel opportunities April doesn't have. Meanwhile in the back room, Jessica and two of her friends were hanging out because apparently three people just can't fit in a dorm room anymore. Cade told Jessica about stealing a camel and how that apparently leads to detention, while Sia and Jessica talked about when karaoke is appropriate. Apparently last night was not that time. And to round out the evening, that newcomer from before, Elektra, decided to start some kind of fight with Jessica that ended badly.

Fighting with teenage girls? Seriously?

Wait, I've done that. Okay, never mind. Carry on.

Hiya, Fandom! Uh... does anyone know why the squirrels are wearing bandanas and tiny sunglasses? The trip isn't until the twenty-fourth, so...

*chittering*

...Oh. I need to pack, then.

Today I cleaned at Stark Industries, April had an ugly new haircut at Caritas whereas Bo at The Devil's Nest just had an ugly hat, and Cassidy was sick at the library and ditto for Dani at The Gig. And in the dorms, Sia was packing for the trip in her room like a weirdo who prepares in advance, but was interrupted by Jessica distracting her.

Aaand done. I have to go shove an X-Box into a backpack. 'Bye.

Stop biting me. Stop it. It's not my fault you guys were bouncing all over town yesterday. No one told you you had to spy on me and Ace. It's your own fault for being nosy jerks.

Ow!

Hello, Fandom, it's Sunday and this is Topher with your news/gossip. Here we go.

Cassidy was at the library with romance books. Gross.

Kitty and Alice had people over for some weird Apples to Apples rip-off game. Kaidan and Kitty talked about work like a bunch of boring people, Kitty recounted her life for Allie and talked about some new girl with a weird name that I'm not gonna try to pronounce, Kaidan and Alice continued to talk about the new girl, Clint and Alice talked about Clint's dog, Eric talked about zombies with Kitty, Stiles told Kitty about recent adventures with the police, Stiles and Alice talked about how Stiles gets free drinks at the twenty-one-plus bar, Mike and Kitty talked about how their lives are boring and need fun, Derek arrived and caused Kitty to talk at him, Stiles and Derek talked about Valentine's Day plans, Kaidan tried and failed to talk to Derek, Clint and Derek talked about Derek's sister, Jack and Derek talked about the rules of being a hermit, and Kaidan and Jack gossipped about Pinkie. This led to Pinkie asking Kitty what the point of the hangout was, to which Kitty said there was no point. Clint and Kitty discussed body piercings, gross, and Clint and Stiles talked about Stiles' safety, which I hope had nothing to do with body piercings because ew. The new French girl was being weird so Kitty asked her what was up, Clint introduced himself to her, and Jack asked how she was doing. Meanwhile Coulson and Kitty talked about snorkels and Coulson and Clint discussed dress codes, while Jake and Kitty talked about nicknames and Jake and Allie introduced themselves to each other.

And Ace and I synthesized repulsion gel over at Stark Industries, because we're badasses, and some bartender stopped by to get headphones before heading over to Caritas for April to make fun of him. Ha. No one told him to step on the gel, okay.

Guys, what did we talk about? Waking me up this early is mean. Come on, what's another half hour on a Sunday morning?

*chittering*

That's rude.

Hi, Fandom, happy weekend. Let's do this.

( Girls-to-boys radio! )

Well, that's all, Fandom. Enjoy your weekend of using men's rooms, ladies. And try to keep them clean, if you don't mind? Common courtesy.

Wow, this again? And without Peter? You guys are getting desperate.

*angry chittering*

Yeah, whatever. Happy weekend, Fandom. Let's do this.

Yesterday in the dorms, Jessica was watching bad TV, which we know because the girl with the dinosaur complained about it and she has a dinosaur so clearly she has authority about everything. Sia -- are we sure that's a name? It looks like something a twelve-year-old would type after "G2G." Not very name-like -- wanted to know about Chuck Norris. I've never seen the appeal of that guy. Then Atton and Sia decided to steal the remote, which may or may not have worked, but Jessica was unperturbed enough afterwards to tell Atton facts about Chuck Norris.

In town, Kitty celebrated her birthday by being visited by her partly-naked boyfriend. Ew. No word on if the partial nudity was a result of her finally turning a reasonable age.

Meanwhile Dani was napping at that place where the horses are, which seems unsafe to me. Coulson was checking the safety of the MCA building, which seems like a solid plan to me, because wasn't that place previously run by a talking dog? I dealt with falling chocolate strawberries over at Stark Industries -- by the way, Billy, come over and you can have some, they're really good -- and at the Boards, Jono and Natalie played music at each other and didn't talk. Boring.

Finally, at Caritas, April threw darts at her college class schedule, so hopefully she has that saved on her phone or something. Electroclash and her talked about how it would make their jobs easier if someone could talk a student into programming an electronic beer dispenser. That sounds like a vending machine. I could make one of those. Look me up. Topher Brink. And then Coulson came over, and he and April talked about her superpowers of beer acquisition.

That makes the vending machine idea pretty pointless if you ask me. Unfortunately, they did not.

So... the end.

So, short radio today, cool? Cool.

SCHOOL

Nothing. Obviously. The picnic is today. Just seeing if you were paying attention.

DORMS

Dolf was in his room, getting ready to leave. So was Lion-O. Karla was too, and Ender came by to teach Karla how to pack and talk about Ben's dad. Probably unrelated to the packing. Gabrielle wanted to make sure Karla wasn't sneaking off or whatever, whatever that means, and Warren was all grouchy because Karla was avoiding him. Don't worry, Warren, it's not so bad.

Annie was getting ready to leave too, and Rilla and her kid came by to talk about how they have to visit each other. Rilla and Annie. Not Rilla and the kid. And then Gabrielle came over and she and Annie talked about how hunting apartments isn't like hunting for deer. Which sounds pretty accurate.

TOWN

Ben was leaving voicemails at Stark Industries. They were really awesome voicemails. 'May the fourth be with you.' Get it? Anyway Ender didn't think they were funny. Lame.

Toby had food or whatever at Goodvalor's, and Kenzi and Karla talked over at that gross store where Kenzi works.

Alex Cabot was getting ready to leave at her place, which apparently had something to do with some guy who did something and she was all upset about it. Okay.

Alistair and Max both left from the Causeway, but separately, and Max got accosted by a whole bunch of people and had to promise Cassidy he would keep in touch. Okaaay. Also he sat with Millie for a little bit, and then said goodbye to Karla and Cindy. And then Hercules left from there too, and Sarah was really jealous and kind of sulked at him. You know you can leave too, right? Bobby said bye too, and so did Cindy and Karla, who took the opportunity to brag about her awesome summer plans or whatever. And Warren made sure Hercules was going to keep in touch. So... cool.

Aaaand Gabrielle read some medical magazines at the clinic.

The end. I'm gonna go get tacos. Bye.

Peter: Good morning, listeners. This is Peter Wiggin for WTFH, and this is my sidekick...

Topher: Hey! I'm not a sidekick!

Peter: My sidekick, Topher Brink.

Topher: Not a sidekick!

Peter: Topher, you can’t even lift a paperback novel or manage interaction more complicated than calling out for pizza. Sidekick it is.

Topher: Ugh.

Peter: You’ll grow to like it.

( It's true, he will. )

Oh, and Kenzi was enthusiastic. Someone hold me, I think I’m about to faint in surprise.

Topher: Ask that squirrel to do it.

Peter: What, the burly one? No thanks.

Topher: Maybe that one there with the bracelets?

Peter: No, on second thought, I think my fainting spell is passing.

Topher: Good, so we can leave.

Peter: Yes. And right now, please and thanks.

Topher: Holy shit. Am I the first one here for once?

*chittering*

Topher: Yeah, but Peter's always the first one here. It's like his thing.

Jeff: … No! No! Squirrels--!

Topher: You're not Peter.

Jeff: … No, I just roomed with him when I went to school here.

Topher: No you didn't. That was that drug guy.

Jeff: Yes, I did! I did room with Peter. Squirrels, tell him!

*chittering*

Topher: That's not English they're speaking, you know.

Jeff: How long have you been doing this? How is it you can’t speak squirrel yet?

Topher: ...you are so weird.

( the flailiest radio you ever did see )

Jeff: You’re really weird, you know that?

Topher: ...I like Peter way better than you. Way better.

Jeff: Well, I like Peter better than you, too.

Topher: Seriously? On vacation? SERIOUSLY? You guys are the worst. Ugh.

Peter: No rest for the wicked. Or in our case, the annoyed and the you.

Topher: Why don't I get an adjective?

Peter: Oh, you’re an adjective all by yourself.

Topher: Thank you?

Peter: No.

( i have screwed up my sleep schedule beyond all repair radio! )

Peter: Good morning, Fandom. I hope life hasn’t dropped any more evil dolls on your doorstep...

Topher: Do not. Talk to me. About the evil dolls.

*chittering*

Topher: NO.

Peter: Do I sense some trauma there, Toph?

Topher: They had huge eyes and I don't like them. I don't wanna talk about it.

Peter: Then I am terribly relieved to announce that we won’t. Moving on.

( too tired for a witty cut tag radio! )

Topher: So is this just a thing now? I mean, seriously, I hate this job. Are you sure we can't just let Peter --

*chittering*

Topher: Yeah, okay, had to ask.

*door, shutting*

Peter: Yes, I’m not any happier about it than you are, Christopher, but let’s leave the complaining for somewhere the listeners can’t hear it.

Topher: ...I keep meaning to make a remote for the mic or something. The squirrels never let me turn it off.

( flailtastic radio )

Topher: Ohmygosh! I really get to go first? Ohmygosh this is so cool. And it’s gonna be on TV and everything? Okay. Um, I’m Topher Brink, I’m a programmer, and I’m competing on The Bachelor this year because I’m just, like, really looking for a guy I can connect with, you know? And build technology with, hopefully. That’d be crazy awesome. Like, especially if we can build a --

Peter: *thump*

Topher: ...who are you? Are you competing too? It is MY TURN. OKAY? YOU CAN WAIT.

Peter: And that brings it home: there really are squirrels spying on you... and they are reporting their findings to the local radio. Myth: Confirmed!

Topher: What are you doing? This is MY introduction.

Peter: But the question is: are squirrels bribable with rum? Stay tuned, as we keep administering larger and larger quantities of rum to the squirrels and measure the results!

Topher: ...I'm not here to make friends. Do you know that? I am, like, here for one reason. And if you steal my spotlight... I will cut you.

Peter: Oz and I will be testing a grenade made entirely out of scrap today. You should come and see us work. Help us out! That’ll put you in the spotlight...

Topher: ...okay, that sounds sort of cool.

Peter: Excellent.

( An overzealous Bachelor contestant and a Mythtern walk into a radio station... )

Peter: Want me to find the dictionary definition of orgies?

Topher: NO. I just, like, don't see why people are going around and being all *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* in people's faces. The point of this isn't to, like, make friends with each other. Oh my GOD.

Peter: Homo sapiens wouldn’t have achieved supremacy of the world if they hadn’t developed the ability to cooperate... friends that kill things together, kill bigger things together!

Topher: Ugh. Whatever. Okay? I am done with this. I just, like, really want to go in the hot tub. And get, like, face time. Okay? I am just... I am just DONE.

*stomping*