WTFH

Yo, this is Hardison bringin' you the news of the island an' what y'all--hey! Is this really all I get for notes? Leroy, you steal my notes or somethin'? This is written on a damn cocktail napkin!

*Agitated chittering*

A'ight, a'ight, apparently only School was active. Jack of All Trades had another movie day, only it was an actual movie this week. No accidentally gettin' trapped in the Danger Shop for us this week. Art of War was pretty intense today, talkin' about attackin' with fire. Folks had to get suited up for the hot climate, with Cassandra offerin' Lucille some advice for what to bring along. An' in Weapons Safety got to mess around with weapons of...THE FUTURE! Ain't sure what that means, but it sounds like fun, yo.

An'...that's it for notes, so Hardison out yo! Have a good day, Fandom.

Yo, any day you can walk to the radio station without gettin' your clothes stolen is a good day. 'Sup, Fandom, this is Hardison with your Thursday news of which there ain't much! So let's get right to it, word?

School is doin' fine with my class, Jack of All Trades, headin' to Rock State Park for some geocachin' an' orienteering. I'm pleased to report that I ain't had to rescue nobody from their own foolishness, so good job students. The Art of War talks about knowin' your terrain an' how that can help you succeed an' that sounds like such an' Eliot class. Weapon Safety learned to improvise weaponry again today, which is also an Eliot thing. Ask him how he took out a guy with an appetizer once.

Nothin' happenin' in Dorms, which always makes me glad, an in Town, we have Kenzi at Luke's feedin' the vents. Gremlins or Par--the vents said thank you? Parker, then. Yo, Kenzi, what kind of cookies? Cause we might need to have a conversation about Parker's weekly allowance of chocolate.

An' on that, I'm signin' off, Leroy--whatever the hell you're doin' just stop, man. It's disturbin'.

Yo, squirrels, why we gotta do this so damn early? Why can't y'all come in an bother a brother at the civilized hour of noon? You know, let him wake up under his own power, maybe have a little breakfast, check his damn email....Hey, Fandom, good mornin'. You're here with a barely-awake Hardison reportin' on the news from yesterday.

At School, classes were back in the swing of things. My class, Jack of All Trades got to live out the dream of learnin' how to use Space Battles laserswords! Well, the replicas an' we mostly learned some combat-fightin' but it was cool as hell, so whatever.

*Chittering*

Yeah I can brag about how cool my own damn class was. Age of the geek, baby, an' mind your business. Anyway, other classes did some cool stuff, too, like Art of War learned about the Five Dangerous Faults Which May Affect a General. Yo, I wonder how many of those Nate had. Is drunk one of the faults? Keepin' those flaws in mind, the class got to try to talk or fight their way out of situations. An' Weapons Safety practiced shootin' at a range. The squirrels assure me that Sam focused a lot on the safety aspect, so no glarin' when I get home, Eliot. I just report the news, a'ight?

Nothin' happened in Dorms for which I remain grateful, so let's move on to Town. At The Perk, Thorin was takin' his sweet time decidin' on a type of tea an' a snack. Lucille showed up an' they spent some time in enforced polite conversation before they started bickerin' over...answering one another's questions? An' now the squirrels are wavin' banners with the phrase Foe Yay written in glitter on them. Though I'd say this was more an Excuse Me, Princess kinda trope, but I ain't about to start arguin' about it with the squirrels. Over at Stark's, it was Cosima's birthday an' Jarvis gave her a serenade, which I heard the end when I dropped by to wish her a happy birthday.

An' that's it for notes for today. Have a great day, Fandom!

Man, you really dragged me outta bed for this? Ain't practically nobody left on the island to hear this report, who cares?

*Angry chittering*

A'ight, a'ight, fine. Damn. 'Sup, Fandom, all three of y'all who are listening. This is Hardison with news about what went on where we ain't. Nothin' happened in Fandom, so let's turn to our visiting correspondents vacationin' in Cyseal.

In the mornin', there were a bunch of activities folks could choose from. Cosima was readin' in the common room by the fire, an' Dante was eatin' cheese in the dinin' room. That might also be the first G-rated note I had about that boy ever. This really must be a vacation. The Market was a busy place to be, with Kathy tradin' puns with a cheese seller--an' I'm glad I have the normal TA. She also tried punnin' at Anders, but eventually they had a regular talk like regular humans do. There's a theater set up, where folks can listen to a skull talk about the future, but it couldn't have been that thrillin' since Alana an' Dante bailed after some flirtin'. An', honestly, I almost feel a little better after readin' that. I was gettin' worried. Bob's skull talked to the skull onstage an' I'm back to bein' concerned about everythin' all over again. An' finishin' up our tour of the cultural hotspots in Cyseal, Lucille an' Cosette both visited the town library.

In more properly vacationy spots--shut up, yeah that's a damn word--the beach got visited by Lucille, Bellamy, and a surprised Isabela, who lost no time innuendoin' at Bellamy once she found out why he was there. Didi got to know some soldiers at the legionnaires camp, and then they all left to go with Dante, Steve, Cara, an' Anders to go battle some goblins. Steve, man, I am disappoint. Four, Ada, Atton, an' Kathy went off in another direction to go rebuild homes, thus provin' that none y'all know how to properly enjoy a damn vacation.

Later, in the evenin', Lucille was in the common room with a book an' some tea, while Steve was bein' a mopey drunk in the bar, at least until Kitty showed up to chat. There was some nightdancin', which sounds pretty cool, an' Mara was participatin' in that at the legionnaire camp. Anakin got up to a bit of nightfightin', which basically means that he left his kids sleepin' to go kill some skeletons. An' then there was some nightwalkin', which Dante enjoyed. Guess we know what kind of nightwalkin--wait, this other note says that Skaar also went out nightwalkin', an' ended up soakin' up some lava in the lava pits, which actually leaves me very confused about everythin' I just read.

On that note, have a good day folks! Enjoy the last few days of break!

Sup, Fandom, this is Hardison wishin' y'all a happy Thursday. Just a few days till Valentine's Day, hope y'all are ready for it, whatever that means to you.

Let's get started, huh? At School, my class, Jack of All Trades learned the basics of sewin' an' whatnot in NYC, Weapon Safety learned how to--safely!--play with knives, an' Art of War learned how to harness energy to manage people.

Dorms were pretty quiet today. April was in the Lobby sellin' flowers an' tickets to the dance. Don't forget to pick up both before the weekend!

Town was a bit livelier, though. Steve--hey man, you're still wrong about pizza--was at The Perk, wearin' ashes an' studyin' up on Lent. Kitty--sup girl--stopped by to talk church with him an' found out he'd gotten in trouble for not knowin' the new call an' response. Y'all only have one? Man, come for a Sunday in a Southern Baptist church. The books were bein' brats at Book Haven, so Alana ignored 'em to go dress shoppin'. At Stark Industries, Cosima sent out an email askin' for...blood samples? What are y'all workin' on there, girl? Tony checked in an' they talked about projects and college, then Tali--sup, mama, how you doin'?--came in to offer some bodily fluids for science. Spit, if y'all must know. Though the squirrels wanna know how she managed to--

*sounds of paper crumpling*

Nah, never mind, they didn't wanna know nothin'. Anyway, that's all for my notes, bye Fandom!

Yo, Fandom, 'sup, it's your boy Hardison bringin' you what little news we got today.

The School is where most of the action was today, with my class, Jack of All Trades goin' to a glass-blowin' studio an' learnin' how to do that. The Art of War talks about the importance of knowin' your enemy an' how to apply the five principles of victory to non-combat situations. An' in Weapon Safety, they had a snowball fight, which sounds both fun an' cold.

Nothin' in Dorms, for which I remain grateful, but over in Town, Laura was at Atlas Gym beatin' up everythin' that could move an' some things that couldn't, while Kitty an' Clint were at Fast Eddies tryna figure out who's the better bowler. Apparently there are some high stakes, too, with the loser bein' the one who has to handle the next two weddin' crises.

That's it for now, Fandom. Have fun!

Mornin' all y'all non-Powerball winners out there. I know, I know, we're all disappointed. Anyway, this is Hardison, on time for a change this year, bringin' you yesterday's news as transcribed by drunk squirrels.

School is back in full swing now that introduction week is over. I shocked everyone in Jack of All Trades by teachin' the class a coupla handy computer hacks. You never know when you might need to know how to do that. The Art of War covered the first P'ien--yo, am I pronouncin' that right?--an' how those five factors can be used in almost any scenario. An' Weapon Safety started out learnin' about swords, so we better not hear about any sword-related injuries around town or Sam's gonna be disappointed.

Looks like stuff was happenin' in the Dorms. That's fine, I'm always very comfortable reportin' on what my students get up to in their private time. Baby Jesus an' all the little angels, please let this all be cool... Looks like April was in the second floor common room, upset about some boy band breakin' up. Dipper tried to cheer her up, tellin' her about how his world clones boy band members an' this is also makin' me uncomfortable, but not in the way I'd been worried about.

That's a Fandom specialty, y'all. 'Makin' me uncomfortable in ways I didn't expect.' Should be the town slogan.

Anyway, Cassandra brought back five random books back from the library, an' then Lucille stopped in to chat about family, magic, an' other typical Fandom topics.

An' now we can move over to Town, where I feel much less sketchy about reportin' on. Leto was people-watchin' at the Perk. Atton gave him a bit to watch as the barista loudly told everyone that she wasn't gonna sneak caramel into his coffee--if he wanted it, he was gonna own it. Guess Atton told Leto that he'd heard nothin', but didn't think to say that to the squirrels, so now the whole island knows about your secret coffee shame. Sorry, yo. Tony at Stark Industries was also wired on coffee, but I got nothin' about what he puts in his. I know, we're all disappointed. Rey was told by Jessica to come talk to Tony about getting a job an' was surprised when he told her she could start this weekend. Yeah, the hirin' processes around here ain't all that rigorous. Steve dropped by to talk to Tony an' we do have an update on how he likes his coffee! He was drinkin' a double shot white mocha with extra whipped cream, which makes Atton's caramel sound pretty tame by comparison. Steve seemed surprised that his coffee only barely tasted like coffee with all that stuff in it, an' I say that's really the only way to make it taste good.

Anyway, this is Hardison of Coffee Watch signin' out.

Ack! Why are there squirrels in my--it's what time? I forgot--oh [BLEEEEEEEEP]!!

Okay, ain't much to report, thank Jesus. Just stuff in Dorms, with April usin', like, every weight in the Gym an' then over to Town, where Ada was burnin' stuff durin' her first shift at Demon Marcus.

That's it, so sorry, I was arguin' Space Battles meta online how is it already almost 4:30... *Click*

Sup, Fandom. It's Thursday mornin' an' I've already had to deal with Leroy runnin' aroun' with mistletoe an' I just know the staff of Luke's is gonna be weird as hell today, so we're just gonna get through this real quicj so I can get some sleep before I deal with the diner.

School's finishin' up its last week with more finals. Friendship is Cultural Exchange!! had a dance party in Ponyville, cause sometime this island is an 80's movie. Ethics had a written final, cause Anakin an' Obi-Wan hate fun, an' Survivin' an' Thrivin' in Fandom got to go to an amusement park. As a special bonus, they also got to meet Santa.

Nothin' in Dorms, which is my own Christmas miracle, an' in Town, Dani at the Gig was ticked to be workin' around deviled eggs an' the horses ain't like the chickens. Personally, I liked the eggs.

Watch out for the mistletoe, Fandom!

YO! THERE'S A BEAR IN HERE! WHAT THE--WHO THE HELL LET A BEAR IN?! *Sounds of crashing and panicked running about* EAT THE SQUIRRELS! EAT LER--WHA? You just wanna gimme a soda? *Sounds of a door opening and closing.* Uhh...a'ight?

Umm, okay, so what's up, Fandom? There're apparently polar bears wanderin' around the island handin' out bottles of Coke? Because of product placement reasons? I ain't even know. What I do know is that now I'm gettin' nasty stares from the squirrels an' a bottle of soda while I do this broadcast. This island gets weirder every day.

An' in other things that boggle me, in School, Friendship is Cultural Exchange, Pinkie was swearin' up a storm. You know, that's even more bogglin' than Coke-dispensin' bears. The class turned into ponies an' ended up in a town where everybody--'scuse me, everypony--was creepily excited. An' also exactly the same. Alana tried to talk to the pony-mayor about diversity, but she wasn't havin' none. Folks who didn't agree that sameness was the best were thrown into prison. An' Cecil talked to Pinkie about why she was so furious. The reason? Fake happiness. Which, considerin' the season, may mean a lot more pony-cussin' before the year's out.

In less profanity-filled classes, we had Survivin' an' Thrivin' in Fandom tried comin' up with cover stories to explain Fandom to family members, an' Ethics was missin' Obi-Wan, who probably didn't wanna deal with the Santa hat. They talked about what was better, a hard truth or a comfortin' lies.

Well, now I'm filled with tidin's of comfort an' joy, damn.

Nothin' in Dorms, but folks were busy in Town. Book Haven had a grumpy Alana not appreciatin' her Santa hat, an' at Mystery Sign Theater 3000, Kathy an' Anders learned about Christmas through the magic of Rankin an' Bass.

An' now I'm off to enjoy this refreshin' soda. Delivered to me by a bear. Stay good, Fandom.

Yo, squirrels, don't give me that kind of attitude, a'ight? Yeah, I know I keep lookin' at my phone, I'm trackin' somethin'.

*Squirrely chittering*

What am I--? None of your business. I don't care, assume it's an Amazon package or whatever. None of your business anyway. An'--dammit, how long has this light been on? Dammit squirrels!

'Sup, Fandom, this is Hardison an' I'm in a hurry, so let's do this. School is pretty much the only place alive 'round here--poor choice of words, self--with Friendship is Cultural Exchange!! tries to have a pie-eatin' contest but end up dodgin' fire geysers an' chimeras instead. Literally dodgin', in the case of Hanna an' Kathy--no surprises there--plot to lure the chimera into one of the geysers. Ethics focused on bein' impulsive--while Anakin fussed over his coffee order that the barista got wrong. The class discussed the dangers of bein' impulsive an' I got a coupla students in Pinkie's class that could probably use a remedial course on this, y'all. Survivin' an' Thrivin' in Fandom get to watch a movie about travelin' back in time to when your parents were kids. Mara thinks that sounds complicated an' that's somehow funny enough to get the squirrels to stop glarin' at me an' fall over laughin'.

Except for that one. Lemme guess--you're Leroy, ain't you.

Dorms were blissfully silent which I always appreciate on my day to report an' the only thing happenin' in Town is Dante tomcattin' at the Kwik Stop. Or somethin' like that.

Anyway, Hardison out.

Sup, Fandom. Only a few days left till Halloween. Are you prepared?

Not a lot of notes today, so let's breeze right through, a'ight? In School, Friendship is Cultural Exchange has Pinkie explainin' what she's been up to since missin' last week's portal. The squirrels got down maybe a third of it before givin' up an' shakin' out their paws, so let's just say 'Welcome Back' an' leave it at that. Students got to go to a Crystal Fair in the Crystal Empire an' the squirrels just left a giant NO FLUGELHORNS FOR PINKIE note an' I'mma just move right along. Ethics gave out chocolate to discuss the dangers of jealousy. We sure it ain't gluttony, yo? They talked about dealing with jealousy an' then Obi-Wan had to lecture Anakin about tauntin' folks without candy. An' Survivin' an' Thrivin' in Fandom talked about Halloween an' costumes an' hopefully lit the inevitable 'sexy insert-ridiculous-concept-here' costumes on fire.

Nothin' happened in the Dorms for which I am immensely grateful, an' in Town, we had people goin' about their usual days. Alana was at Book Haven dealin' with paper bats, Cosima was at Stark Industries lookin' up costumes on her phone, an' Dante hopefully kept his pants on at the Kwik Stop. Okay, the notes say he was feedin' a stray cat--that's pretty cool--an' Merrill wondered if he ended up on the roof on purpose. How do you--? Never mind. She also wondered if he was part tomcat himself and, y'know, that would explain some of my notes, yo.

That's the last of my notes, so I'm out, Fandom! Happy Halloween!

What? What is this? How are you furry little devils even here? I'm in Chicago! I am at my Nana's! What are y'all even doin' here? You're holdin' up notes? Is that one draggin' radio equipment into--y'all wake Parker an' she's gonna be pissed. Y'all wake my Nana an' I'mma be pissed. Hey! What're you laughin' at?!

Aaaaan' the radio light is already on. Of course it is. Y'all really couldn't find someone closer to the island to do this? Okay, this note here says that the squirrels tried askin' some weird vampire chick but she threatened to eat them an' her room was covered in all these weird mannequins of herself wearin' strap--you know, I don't think I need to finish this note, it's fine. Let's just get into this and then get you outta here before my Nana decides to come wanderin' in, askin' what all the noise is about.

( Dinosaurs! )

Yo, Happy October, or, as I like to call it, Happy First Day of Halloween. I'm sure y'all are gettin' ready for Parents' Weekend comin' up, so I'mma make today's broadcast short an' sweet for you.

School was the only place with much activity today. Friendship is Cultural Exchange, the class visited the Everfree Forest to meet with a zebra that speaks in rhymin' couplets. See, I know I would normally think that's weird, but I'm mostly confused about how there ain't no horse-related puns in my notes. The zebra let people visit her home, like Kathy did, or folks could explore the forest. Sounds like an Eliot adventure to me. Where's the 'stay home with wi-fi' option? Other folks were thrilled to hand their droid-babies back in Ethics. They talked about what they learned, which was mostly Isabela talkin' about how hard it is for single mothers out there--preach, girl--an' Gwen threatenin' to cut her own tubes. Uhh, can I suggest you not do that? I'm all about a woman's right to do what she wants to her own body, but that just sounds bad. Survivin' an' Thrivin' discussed genders, identity, an' consent. Students handled the lecture with varyin' degrees of grace, an' then got to discuss birth control an' ask any questions they might have had.

Nothin' happened around the Dorms, or even really in Town, except Atton had some kind of "existential houseplant crisis" an' I ain't even gonna ask about that. Sparkle, who was comin' home with groceries, was a little more curious. Probably because he ain't never seen an existential houseplant crisis either.

That's all of today's news, folks! Have a good one!

ACHOO!

Sup, Fandom. Ain't wishin' nobody good mornin'--ain't nothin' good about a mornin' with this much pollen in the air, yo. ACHOO! There ain't enough Claritin in the entire world right now. Yeah, an' all this squirrel fur floatin' around in here ain't helpin'. Yeah, don't gimme that look, rodents, just pass me the notes with a minimum of sheddin'.

ACHOO!

Anyway, in School, Pony Express: Friendship is Cultural Exchange!! went to Appleloosa where there are lots of orchards, provin' once more that everything in Pinkie's world is a pun. I ain't really sure how to feel about that. It's all very Wild West-y, right down to a land dispute between the native buffalo an' some ponies who moved in to plant orchards. Well. That's a--thing that I'm readin' about. Yup. Kathy ain't feelin' well, so she sits outta the...celebratory apple-pie fight...an' holds Alluka's bunny. After the celebratory battle is over, Kathy talks to Pinkie to get more of the history of the area. Man, I am so glad Eliot isn't around for this. Anyway, movin' on to Survivin' an Thrivin' on Fandom Island, the day's subject was clothin'. They headed over to Demon Marcus to try a few things on, though apparently Mara wasn't real thrilled with the catsuit she tried on. Isabela was happy to make her feel better by flirtin' with her an' oh look! It's the next class, Ethics! Where they talked about privilege an' had a Q an' A to find out how much relative privilege they had in their life. Afterwards, they had a discussion about where they ended up, with Isabela talked about the speciesism, Alluka explained to Anakin why her parents locked her...in...her room...Anakin, you doin' somethin' about this, right? Cause that's just all kinds of hell no right there. ACHOO! Anyway, Lottie brought up the relativism of everyone's experiences, an' Obi-Wan an' Anakin suggested changin' up the questions a bit for next time.

Ain't nothin' happenin' in the Dorms, but we had some folks in Town yesterday. At Stark's, Cosima was emailin' someone on Facebook who looked a bit like her, an' at Book Haven, Alana was dustin' an' tryna get in good with the new boss. Dante stopped by to flirt an' see if he could get a tour of the town. so that's--ACHOO!--what the kids are callin' it these days. Actually, if that is what the kids are callin' it, don't tell me, I don't wanna know.

ACHOO! ACHOO! ACHOO!

Yo, that's it. Hardison out.

Hey now, this is more like it! Welcome back to classes an' actvities, y'all. This is Hardison an' I'm bringin' you the news of the island, as written down by nosy drunk squirrels. Yup, you heard it right, ain't no joke. The squirrels you see runnin' around everywhere? They're watchin' you an' what y'all get up to is then broadcast on the radio for everyone to hear. Ain't cool with that? I hear bribin' 'em with rum to go away works.

*Squirrely cheering*

( The Back To School Job )

An' that's all for today, folks. Like I said, if you need privacy, give the squirrels rum. Sounds like you Frank's the guy to go to if you need to top off. Also, it's probably better for everybody if you just stay out of other people's sock drawers.

Yo, this is Hardison, reportin' to the, like, five of you still on the island. Ain't nothin' goin' down in either School or the Dorms, but we're saved from it bein' some kind of ghost town scenario by the few folks active in Town today. Alana, over in Book Haven was aggressively cleanin' the store today as an outlet for some emotions. Which, as far as outlets go, is pretty good, so you just keep on keepin' on, Alana. Then, at the beach, my TA Raven threw herself a birthday party. Which--sorry, girl, I got the email, but I was doin' some freelance work for the president of San Lorenzo. But happy birthday!

Looks like Kathy showed up with a ton of presents, sayin' that Raven deserved to have someone make a big deal outta her birthday. Girl has a point, an' it seems like Raven agreed cause she promised to do the same for whenever Kathy's birthday rolls around. Then Hanna came around with what she called 'the perfect gift' for Raven an' they celebrated that with champagne an' chocolate. Man, what kind of parties are kids these days throwin'? I was lucky to have soda an' Doritos in high school, damn! Kathy checked in with Hanna to make sure velcro was okay? Is this some kind of fashion thing? But after Hanna assures Kathy he's fine--oh, it's a cat--Kathy explained why she went all out for Raven an' then they talked about Hanna not wantin' to play a game? Jasper also showed up, explainin' that his friend told him to attend parties an' be social before givin' Raven her present. He explained to Hanna that he'd rather be home, but was stuck here for another year, and then he told Kathy that he was at the party because he was Raven's little brother. An' then there was some music an' dancin' an' that seems about it.

Have a good day, Fandom, an' happy belated birthday, Raven!

Whoa, hey, this is a serious pile of notes! A'ight, a'ight, glad to see y'all are takin' my suggestion about enjoyin' the rest of your summer seriously. Glad I can be a mentor an' a inspiration to y'all from my spot here on Early Mornin' Radio.

( Stealing Your Airwaves Radio )

Anyway, that's it for the news. Just sayin', students, it sounds like the adults are havin' way more fun than you this summer. Just somethin' to keep in mind as summer slips away. You're gonna be regrettin' it come fall, when classes start in earnest! I'm out with one more happy birthday to Jono, an' congratulations to Kitty!

Yo, good mornin' Fandom. This is Hardison, far more awake than I was last week, bringin' you all the news the squirrels saw fit to scrawl, embellish, and distort. Don't even look at me like that, you furry menaces, we all know I'm right.

Anyway, we got some stuff goin' on up at School, so that's where I'm startin'. In World History, my teachin' buddy Jones apologized for missin' last week's class an' did a catch-up with introductions, includin' what everyone's interested in learnin' about the subject. Sorry for everyone who thought they'd gotten through alla intros last week. But now y'all should be safe until next semester, so that's cool. Next up in Conspiracy Theories, Agent W talked about the Illuminati. He even had handouts, yo. That's some dedication. The class discussed the topic an' then the TA, Lottie, gave a presentation about how it ain't robots that are gonna get us, it's aliens usin' smart phone tech. Anders wondered about the aliens' motivations an' Kathy wanted proof. Then finishin' up the day is Lady Ghanima's World Mythology class, which covered Mesopotamian myths. After the lecture, folks got to discuss their favorite myths or make up their own.

Wednesdays are so much less violent this semester!

Ain't nothin' goin' on in Dorms again this week, which is great, an' Town was pretty quiet, too. In Luke's, Kenzi came out of the freezer with news that the polar bears were lookin' for asylum. Probably from the tentacle monsters that sometimes infest the freezer an' great, now I just spooked myself. At the Perk, Atton was clutchin' his coffee an' lookin' exhausted. Maybe that's why he picked fights with everyone who came by? Flick an' Atton argued about iced coffee an' whether Atton was stupid--no info here on who won which argument--an' then Sarah popped by an' they fought about the weather, superpowers, an' some incident involvin' Atton's kitchen.

An' that's it for notes, so I'mma head off to Luke's to make sure there ain't nothin' in the freezer that shouldn't be. Have a great day, Fandom.

Okay, so straight talk here. I may not 'ppreciate gettin' woke up at the ass end'f dawn to come in here an' report on the day's gossip, but at least I ain't gonna come in from a yurt. Which, I'm sure Eliot will tell me are very distinctive dwellin's and how he lived in one for a week while fightin' off insurgents in some kinda mountain locale, prolly armed only with a knife an' some shoelaces, while outnumbered thirty to one. So thank you students, for remindin' me that at least I still got my place that I'm sharin' with one lovely mastermind, with such amenities as indoor plumbin', electricity, an' wi-fi. Also, I am so sorry an' I'm the last person who'll try'n convince you this builds character. Last time I tried doin' some of that, I ended up with, like, walkin' pneumonia or whatever.

Anyway, notes so I can run back to my air-conditioned apartment...Not much in School cause we're on break right now, though Anakin was packin' up his office for the rest of the summer to head up to...Connecticut? I'm sorry to hear that, yo. Man, I had to cross the border a coupla times back when the crew was operatin' outta Boston. Connecticut is the land where strip malls go to die.

*Angry chittering*

Right, right, sorry! Gettin' on with it. Anyway, Obi-Wan stops by and hears about how it's only for a few weeks while Anakin's wife is outta town, an' Atton shows up to make fun of Anakin's hair--

*Squirrely sobbing*

--Y'all still ain't over his haircut yet? A'ight, we're gonna move on real quick to Dorms, where the only note is that Thorin an' my TA went into the preserve to hunt some game, but all their talk of wizardry an' shape-shiftin' seems to have scared all the wildlife off. Heck, even I know you're s'posed to be quiet when you're huntin'. ...Why are the squirrels just shakin' their heads at me?

I will never understand this island.

Finishin' up in Town, we had a buncha people at work today like industrious little worker bees. Or not, considerin' my first note is Nathan wanderin' around Inks an' Holes checkin' out tattoos. Yo, Parker! How you feel about me gettin' a tatt? Someone named Gunther was mannin' the desk at the Arms Hotel while Mary tried cookin'. No reports of success or failure here. Cosima was fangirlin' at Stark Industries over Cretaceous World--girl, if you thought that movie was good, we need to have a long talk--an' Alana was at Book Haven appreciatin' the non-yurt AC. Girl's got sense.

A'ight, Fandom, enjoy the last few days of vacation 'fore classes start up again. Hardison out.

Whoa, whoa, y'all need to chill with all the drinkin'--did I walk in on some kinda squirrel wake? Did somebody--are y'all gonna be okay?

*Distressed chittering*

A'ight, so, hey, this is Hardison an' I am dealin' with some kinda candlelight vigil here, which is makin' it pretty hard to see the notes. Looks like the squirrels are in some kinda mournin' for somethin'? They're handin' me some notes, hopefully I'll get more answers from them? Since I still don't speak squirrel, y'all.

( The Radio Rundown Job )

An' on that note, I'mma leave the squirrels to their grievin' and head out. Have a great day, Fandom!

So, last week, I mighta said some things that...offended certain members of the Fandom community. I was very strident about comin' an' doin' radio, even threatened some folks with turnin' 'em into entrees at Luke's an' settin' dogs on 'em an' I can see why that'd be upsettin' to some people. Also I insulted a few individuals' journalistic integrity an'...an' I just wanted to say I'm real sorry 'bout alla that. I let my temper get the best of me an' I said some things I regret. I just hope that the Fandom squirrel community can find it in their hearts to forgive me an' not subject me to any more wakeups like the one I had today.

*Menacing chittering*

I--I also just wanna say how grateful I am that I'm allowed to serve the community in this way, with the radio an' stuff, an' of course I'm happy to be woken up at Butt-Thirty in the mornin' to read the news for all y'all. I look forward to many more weeks of bringin' you Wednesday's news on Thursday mornings, so, yeah. There's that.

*Satisfied chittering*

( The Beatbox Beatdown Job )

Nope. I'm out. I'mma find a bunker an' hide in there till they get bored of harassin' people. Unh-uh, no way! This can only end badly for one Alec Hardison an' my Nana didn't raise no fool. Peace.

Man, seriously? Seriously? You're just gonna leave Parker sleepin' an' drag me down here? Ain't even right. This is cause she drank with you, ain't it? Well, how come you ain't get Eliot? Make him do this with me?

*Chittering*

...I think they just acted out Eliot bein' scary. S'fair enough, can't really argue with that. A'ight, let's just do this. Maybe I can get a little more sleep if I hurry. In School, Pointy End Away From You, Anakin an' Obi-Wan--seriously? Those are their names?--show the class how to disarm someone holdin' a knife. They also told 'em to run away if they have the opportunity, which is way better advice if you ask me. It's a lot harder to get stabbed when you're half a block away, trust. After the lecture, folks could partner up or practice against a hologram. Have I mentioned how awesome the Danger Shop is? Cause it's pretty damn awesome. Age of the geek, baby, heeeeey! The Leverage crew TAs, Kathy an' Raven, talk about startin' a knife-fightin' club--an' it should be noted that the squirrels here have written a big red 'NO' across the page. Might be a bad idea, Kathy. Then they talk about Raven bailin' on the 1950s to stay here, which sounds like a much better idea. Welcome to the future, Raven, we have Civil Rights an' the internet. Movin' on, in Tactics an' Teamwork, Agent Washington makes everybody wear armor an' run laps, so why y'all haven't dropped this class is beyond me. Then he solidified his spot as 'Best Friend 4 Lyfe' with Eliot by teachin' the class how to shoot guns. The Red Team an' Blue Team then got to practice an' hopefully not on each other. Last we got Phys Ed, where Lady Ghanima taught the class how to properly punch someone. They practiced on punchin' bags an' I, for one, feel so much better knowin' that every student with a class on Wednesday now knows how to hurt someone a little more effectively. Speakin' of effectively hurtin' people, Eliot was havin' office hours an' so I stopped in to say hello after luggin' all my equipment to my office right next door. Not that I got any help or nothin', Eliot.

In the Dorms, which I already feel terrible about recappin', bein' an adult an' all, Dipper an' Mabel uploaded a video to Youtube. Huh. Might have to check that out. The squirrels are cheerin' an' makin'...moose noises? Man, I do not understand you rodents. In the second floor common room, Thorin--no, really, who names you people?--was watchin' Cupcake Wars. Ronan doesn't like cupcakes or vegans or cooking shows or wherever Thorin's from, so he just sounds like a happy ball of sunshine all the way around. Then we get his opposite, Kira, who is happy to see the show an' tells Thorin all about how bakin' shows work. No word on which conversation Thorin appreciated more.

Last up is Town, where Ben an' Ender invited people to their rooms to meet their new baby. Yo, mazel tov, y'all. That's wonderful. Like every parent the world over, they talk about how big she's gotten already before Anakin shows up to eat cake an' meet his...great-grandaughter. Is this correct? Really? Yeah, I'm questionin' your journalistic integrity, you're tellin' me the dude who is teachin' a class on stabbin' people is a great-grandfather! Ow! Ow! Stop peltin' me with nuts! Ow! Fine! Whatever, he's a million years old an' has seven generations after him, I don't care, stop throwin' things at me! Thank you! Damn! Anyway, Karla also showed up to meet baby Val--see, that's a good name, better for a baby than a dog, I'm just sayin'--an' they hold her kid while she holds Val an' that does sound kinda cute, actually.

People were at work today, too, with Alana at Book Haven doin' some dustin' an' settin' up a display for the outdoors. Cosima--hey girl--was at Stark Industries an playin' 20 questions with JARVIS. Why is that name in all-caps?

*Chittering*

That's an AI?! There's an AI on this island an' ain't nobody told me?! I gotta run to--

*Angry chittering*

--I mean, I gotta stay here an' finish radio. Right. Anyway, Jasper was wading in the water at the beach an' met up with Hannibal, who finds out that Jasper ain't never seen the ocean before. At Luke's, Kenzi was pokin' at someone in the air ducts an--oh, naw, girl, don't do that. That's just Parker. Leave her alone, a'ight? She was probably nappin' in there or somethin'. An' last we got Buffy--come on now!--at The Devil's Nest where she was on her laptop an' I say good for her.

There. I'm done. Time to go back to bed before I see how my students survived their first week in the sim. Have a good mornin', y'all. Congrats again to Ben an' Ender an' Baby Val.