WTFH

Xander: Hi, Fandom. This is Xander Harris. Which you know unless you're a newbie. Hi, newbies.

Willow: And this is Willow Rosenberg, giving the traditional newbie greeting that the nearby box is not actually talking to you, but projecting the sound of our voices from a distance. As some of you newbies tend to be from an earlier time, it's always useful to mention this.

Xander: Unless the nearby box is a toaster. Then it might actually be talking.

Willow: Or the bread you put into it became sentient, in which case it's not the toaster talking so much as it is the bread going "OW OW OW HOT OW!"

Xander: Sometimes you're callous and strange.

Willow: I'm not saying I don't feel for the bread. But sometimes butter and jelly needs a home.

Xander: Absolutely. The bread's just fulfilling its buttery *fingerwiggle* destiny.

Willow: As must we, by reporting the news. By which I mean we fulfill our reporting destiny, not that we're confined into small metal boxes with hot coils on either side of us until we're thrown into the air once we're properly crunchy. ( Mmmm, crunchy news )

Willow: Hello Fandom! This is Willow Rosenberg who, as far as you know, is just in from prom and will be getting back to said prom immediately because she has found said prom to be very snuggly - um, I mean dancey and fun. So tonight's news shall be quick and pithy! Except for how there's a ton of it, but you get what I mean.

Xander: What she said. About the quick. I'll get back to you on the pithy once I've looked it up and verified that it means what I think it means.

Willow: I'll email you the meaning later. In the meanwhile ( News! LOTS AND LOTS OF IT! )

Xander: Hey, Fandom, it's the Xander and Willow show, coming to you live from a secret undisclosed location that you've never heard of before that just happens to have lots of squirrels and rum in it.

Willow: Disneyworld?

Xander: Exactly. Could you stop spinning the teacup please? I had too many cupcakes; Xander go blerky.

Willow: It's just wrong for teacups to have badness associated with them. It throws off the balance of things.

Xander: Could be worse; could be stuck on the Small World ride and then we have Xander go berserky.

Willow: And the reason you hate me enough to put that song into my head is...?

Xander: Misery loves company?

Willow: Okay, fair point. Though hopefully you'll understand as I now change the topic towards news. ( Which will not have singing about worlds of any size. )

Willow: Hi Fandom! It's Willow Rosenberg, reporting to you while no longer alone save for the squirrels. Welcome back, Xander! Yay!

Xander: Glad to be here. And not just 'cause it means I'm not home with a splitting headache where I used to have an eye.

Willow: Did you try ice?

Xander: With a little scotch to make sure it didn't melt too fast.

Willow: Wouldn't the scotch drip out and get everywhere? I mean sure, so would the ice eventually, but scotch can stain.

Xander: ...My couch is scotch-guarded.

Willow: Wow. That was remarkably efficient of you.

Xander: You've met my family, right?

Willow: When you're right you're right. Shall we news?

Xander: We shall news! While the squirrels rum.

Willow: Hopefully the furniture here is rum-guarded. Though I'd be very surprised if it wasn't.

( In the meanwhile, news! )

Hey Fandom? Look behind you. Unless there's a statue of an angel in front of you. Then have somebody else look behind you. All clear? Okay, then. This is Xander with the news. Willow couldn't be here tonight because she's stucking in nineteen frakkin' twenty-three. But she says hi.

[squeaky noises]

Yeah, you guys too. She mentioned you specifically.

[squeaky sniffly noises]

Aww, man, don't do that. We're gonna get her back. We're gonna get 'em all back. Here, have a kleenex. ...Okay, have like, a tenth of a kleenex. Look, I'm gonna read about how we even hold classes during a state of emergency - you know she'll be all lovably deranged over that when she gets home.

( No really, look behind you. )

Be careful, people. Look out for each other. Me and the squirrels are heading back to MCA - somebody leave a light on for me, okay?

Arrr?

Yeah, you can come too.
___

In the land of the OOC, the one-eyed man is ...not reading these links.

The Past: Paris 1899 | Cairo 1923 | New York 1930 | Chicago 1933 | London 1936

Away Teams: Alpha: American Museum of Natural History, NYC | Bravo: Crane Asylum, Chicago | Charlie: Westchester | Delta: Timbuktu | Echo: London/Latveria

Xander: Hey, half-empty Fandom - this is Xander Harris, who's got the My Co-Host Is In Mexico And My Boyfriend Is In Space So It's Just Me And The Frog This Weekend Blues, bringing you the My Co-Host Is In Mexico And My Boyfriend Is In Space So It's Just Me And The Frog This Weekend News.

Jeremiah: *ribbit*

Xander: That was the frog. Say hi to the people, Jeremiah.

Jeremiah: *ribbit*

Xander: He's a frog of few, but powerful words. Okay, he's a frog of no words, but powerful tongue.

Jeremiah: *...ribbit?*

Xander: NOT DIRTY! Jeez, lick your frog once when you're possessed by some pointy-eared elf kid so flamey his pants burnt off, and he looks at you funny for the rest of your life and thank God you're all in Mexico tonight and didn't just hear me say that. Hey squirrels, did anybody actually do anything today?

*thud, as of a stack of notes being dumped into somebody's lap*

Xander: ( I guess that's a yes. )

Willow: *sighs* Hello, Fandom, and welcome to what is possibly one of the worst days of the entire school year.

Xander: Whyfor, oh BFFiest BFF of mine?

Willow: Spring Break! An entire week of no classes! As though it's not bad enough that they don't offer us anything on the weekends either!

Xander: I like to refer to her as 'differently sane,' folks.

Willow: I mean sure there's homework and all but - but - can you hand me those tissues please?

Xander: You know I really don't want to know why the squirrels keep tissues in here.

Willow: Because they're wonderful and thoughtful. Unlike certain school calenders we could mention.

Xander: Cheer up! Spring Break means extra time for other things, y'know.

Willow: Like giving yourself practice final exams?

Xander: .....I was thinking maybe with a partner.

Willow: Oh! That's nice too. Much more fun than test-taking all by yourself.

Xander: Well, sometimes it's fun to watch.

*moment of horrified I said that on the radio, didn't I? silence*

The squirrels. As they hand us notes about what happened on this possibly worst day of the school year.

Willow: They are awfully cute with their wee notepads. Let's get to it! ( Behind a cut, naturally )

Xander: Hey there, Fandom. Taking a break from boogieing the night away to bring you the news, this is Xander and W-- uh. Willow?

*the sound of silence*

Xander: Will? Huh, no Willow. Oh, wait, lemme check something.

*more silence, then a couple of aggrieved squeaks*

Xander: Nope, turns out that Willow-sized pile of squirrels in the corner was just... a Willow-sized pile of squirrels. Am I asking? I'm not asking. Clearly they drank the punch. Guess they weren't the only ones, 'cause it looks like it's just you and me tonight, Fandom.

*sound of a slamming door*

Willow: Hi! Hi! I'm here! Don't panic! I'm here with hereness and no longer there with thereness and by 'there' I of course mean 'the dance' which is where I have been this whole time. Well tonight. During dancetime. Prior to that I found other ways to occupy myself but my point is that I was at the dance, until now, when I am doing radio. Hi!

Xander: ...Hi. You were at the dance? Like just now? I didn't see you when I was leaving.

Willow: Um! Ha ha! Really? Because I saw you. From where I was. At the dance. But behind you which is why you got here ahead of me. Because... I was dancing. With Peter. Who was at the dance with me.

Xander: As opposed to with somebody else.

Willow: I'm just saying that I was at the dance and Peter was at the dance and I can't vouch for anyone else because I wasn't taking attendance. So news now?

Xander: Well, Bridge was there. Unless I was dancing inappropriately close to somebody else, in which case I'm so sorry, Other Person In A Green mask. Uh, and also Bridge. 'K, yeah, news now.

Willow: ( Of which we have tons!  )

Willow: Hello Fandom! Willow Rosenberg here for WTFH where I'm here to tell you that fingerprinting can be a lot of fun in ways that have nothing to do with either of the separate, yet equally important groups of the criminal justice system.

Xander: ...Is this in any way similar to certain early confusion about how the game 'Doctor' is supposed to be played? Because you know the fun part of Cops and Robbers is usually less... smudgy.

Willow: Oh no. Do I have some on me still? You know the ink doesn't dry nearly fast enough.

Xander: This is me NOT LOOKING.

Willow: I still don't know how else you would play doctor.

Xander: Usually it doesn't involve a three page medical history and printing up a fake insurance card.

Willow: But then how do you make sure everything gets submitted properly?

Xander: I'm not sure that's the kind of submission whoever came up with it had in mind.

Willow: I don't think it's very nice to play a game and deliberately exclude people who can only afford Medicare.

Xander: When you charge for it, that's a different and slightly less age-appropriate game.

Willow: There are just so many reasons why we need universal health care. Anyway, ( on to the news! )

Willow: Hello Fandom! I suppose you're all wondering who the stranger in the room is. My name is Willow Rosenberg and I'm here to tell you that you're surrounded by a bunch of squirrels who just love you like crazy. So I'm going to report the news and Xander's going to report the news and then we're done. Okay?

Xander: The squirrels love us?

Willow: Oh yes. Like crazy! It's all part and parcel of my attempts to help poor Philbert. He's been acting weird this week and I thought maybe he needed an intervention.

Xander: From the squirrels? ...If it works, can you guys head over to my place after? Jeremiah's been bouncing off the tank walls all night like somebody spiked his dehydrated fly pellets with pixie sticks or something.

Willow: Okay first of all ew. And the squirrels are here to help us talk about how our animals' strange behavior has affected us. By which I mean we report the news. But there could be some kind of bottom line at the end. Which we hold. It's very important to hold the bottom line.

Xander: Whose bottom line? I'm not allowed to hold just anybody's.

Willow: Yeah... I kinda missed those details? Also I'm not sure what we hold the bottom line with. But hopefully Philbert and Jeremiah will accept the gift that we're offering to them and thus the bottom line part will be moot.

Xander: And by gift we mean... the news?

Willow: Now you're getting it!

( Speaking of: )

Xander: And now I feel like we need to say good night to Fandom before I make some statements the FCC would feel frownyfaced about, so Good Night, Fandom.