Fandom Radio, Monday, February 6, 2006

[imanaturalblond.livejournal.com]

"Good evening boys and girls. Professor Ms. Rita Skeeter here. Before we start, I'd like to make an announcement: I am married.

...

Yes, you heard me. Married. For the time being, anyway. You see, my husband - Wilbur Rufus, for those of you who are curious - and I are separated. Legally. It's a very sad point for me. And that's why I've been denying it. So I truly hope you're happy, Mr. John Crichton, Mr. Anakin Skywalker, Mr. Alex Krycek and Callistie. I hope you're proud of yourselves.

*sniffle*

Anyway.

Classes, which were all tedious because I had the day off

First off, we have Shop class, where students had to navigate their way down a hall of lasers using Twinkies and cleaning products. Merlin's beard, the last time I said a sentence like that was when I'd snorted Floo powder in my youth. Shortly before I met Wilbur, actually. *sob* Don't mind me. *hiccup* There's a quiz in Western Literature, and then Professor Lyman lectures on Julius Caesar, whatever that is. Josh, darling, if you smell smoke tonight, don't be alarmed. I'll just be burning everything Wilbur ever gave me.

For some bizarre reason, Chemistry does math. And Biology learns about energy - as does, interestingly enough, Magical Theory. Psychology learns about developmental psychology and schemas, and Carl Jung, self-important student that he is, learns about development. Then Creature Languages speaks Rat, the Speech classes talk about seemingly random and unrelated topics, Sociology of Violence discusses gangs, and Sociology of the Paranormal talk about out-of-body experiences. That reminds me of Wilbur for...er, actually, no real reason. But STILL. *sob*

*sniffle* In US History, no one is asleep and Alanna interviews Josh. Anthropology learns about Neanderthals. I say just to look around the school at half the male population, but does anyone listen to me? Herman's class has show and tell, Paleontology discusses field trips, Celtic Studies talks about Irish mythology and has a quiz, Tactics of War watches a film, and Self Defense beats each other with...staves? Dear heavens. That sounds awkward and naughty.

In the library, Parker and Janet plot, according to my notes, 'evil.' But then Angela is a wet blanket. Pff. John has candy for Parker. Is that apology, Mr. Crichton? Did you remind Parker of the ruins of her marriage as well? Marty and Bel talk without anyone dying. Good work, men. Parker and Cameron talk about his leather pants, and as a teacher at this school, I feel I can't continue in this line of thought. Especially since I don't believe I've ever met Cameron, and so I'm picturing Gilderoy Lockhart in leather instead. Ooer.

Ahem. Anyway. Where was I? Oh! Right - Whor - I mean, Rory is in a good mood, and Parker ventures a guess that it's for naughty reasons. I'm inclined to believe that, as everyone should be. The gentleman with the hat talks to Angela about recent parties, and Angel and Parker talk about his soul. That sounds...touching.

In the cafeteria, there are something called 'nachos.' I can only assume that this is some sort of bizarre way of indicating that the food belongs to the person consuming it. I do wish people would enunciate. John and Anders chat about fried ice cream, which sounds vile, and Lee Adama moving in with John. Is Lee someone's husband, John? Are you trying to make him sad about his failed marriage, too? In other news, Pip makes Nadia giggle, and Victor gives her space. And on a hugely more interesting note, I have green socks on today.

In the teachers' lounge, which I ought to visit one of these days, I suppose, Dr. Grissom and Professor Cregg talk about writing speeches. Fascinating. I don't believe I've ever written a speech. I simply read my own illusrious work aloud for all to hear. Professor Cregg and Herman watch the BBC, which for some reason sounds oddly appealing, though I haven't the faintest idea what that means. And Professors Cregg and Dream make small talk, and I am wearing red lipstick.

The assistants' lounge isn't nearly so exciting, with only Phoebe and Belthazor.

In terms of clubs, Lana, Angel and Maia talk about their weird home towns. I honestly don't know how anyone can deem their hometown strange after living here. Also, Fight Club meets, but I don't think I can talk about it further....

And in office hours, Dean Washburn goes unvisited, the Librarian sees Angela, Alanna stops by to see Professor Tick, lonely Dean Zordon entertains himself with someone named Michael Jackson, fakey principal is visited by Belthazor, and Victor pays a visit to Professor Dream.

And, in announcements, it seems we're having a play. I'll be hiding out in my office for the rest of the term, thank you.


In the dorms, where there should be a multitude of sleeping children - but there obviously isn't

This morning in 238, Aeryn and John wake up. I hope you slept well, Mr. Crichton. You'll need your energy to make as many imminent divorcées miserable as possible, after all. Elsewhere, Miss Parker wakes Marty with some very loud music. That seems rather rude. Marty was evidently traumatized, since he seemed to sit there talking to himself until Sam stopped by.

Piper woke up thoughtful, and Paige woke up in the company of a dog, if my notes read correctly. Talk about a bad morning after, the poor dear.

As the day progresses, the highly obnoxious Han Solo writes some sort of letter, though I don't see anything indicating that he has an owl, and so I declare this a waste of paper and rather idiotic move. In Shep's room, he and Lana are just too precious for words, and please excuse me while I attempt to control my nausea.

Phoebe does gymnastics to control her emotions, which sounds rather odd, and Marty gets Professor Gilmore-Danes to go see a doctor. I'd personally vote that her daughter probably needs to see one, actually. The Elric brothers spend time together, and then Victor and Walter make dinner plans with Alphonse. I used Sleekeazy's on my hair this morning. I think it makes a difference, really. What's that? You don't care about my hair? Well, I don't care about these things. Get over it. If I'm bored, so shall you be.

Bridge and John send out messages - again, no owls. Mr. Crichton, are you trying to send a message to another of your professors? Remind them of the wreckage of their life, too? In their various rooms, Veronica and Nadia chit and chat, Janet and Jack shoot the breeze, Lee is baking, and Aeryn tries to do her homework, but her boyfriend is meddling and hovering and in her face, and refuses to let her be. How utterly typical.

Also, Lana, Angela, and Whorey Rory Parker all get flowers. Kiki gets candles, and Jessica gets a stuffed toy and candy. My favorite color is purple, boys and girls.

As per usual, the second floor common room is home to all. Angel and Callistie do possibly naughty things with doughnuts, Charlie seems to be alive, according to my notes, and Angel and Whorey discuss class schedules.

And in a shocking turn of events, Cally and Anders are 'cute.' Again, nausea. Though, Mr. Anders seems to be...reading. My notes tell me this is unusual. Clearly Anders has never read one of my articles, or he'd be an avid fan.

DEATH has a duck. There aren't enough words to express my puzzlement. And Isabel advertises a game night.

Out and about in the town of minimal excitement

The Baron is back at work. Oh, bloody hell. You don't have a name, either? Then like Herman, you shall get one. Your name is...Ferdinand. So, Ferdinand is back at work. And Orlin goes to wake Agatha up. My notes don't detail further, so I must conclude that he's waking her for some nefarious purpose. Perhaps something naughty. Who can know? Phoebe might, as she sits in the park with Orlin later. Is she in on the naughtiness? I'd venture a tentative yes.

Edmund is in a good mood, and sadly no one takes advantage of it. And presumably post-naughtiness, Orlin and Agatha go to Café Fina for coffee, and Ferdinand comes in for tea. Deb's is open, Quark and Orlin talk apartments, Natalie actually gets an apartment, Paige does homework, and Jay and Silent Bob seem to be in a rut.

And in Caritas, GOB is delusional or something, and Jarod is not happy about Parker's hijinks. Much as *sniffle* Wilby used to look out for me!

And that's all from me tonight, the ex-Mrs. Wilbur Rufus Skeeter. Be good boys and girls, and always remember to step carefully around a broken heart. Or you might find yourself a marmoset. Again."

Fandom Radio, February 7

[actingltcrumpet.livejournal.com]

Hello and good evening, Fandom! This is Lieutenant Archie Kennedy, tonight with my hat, and very pleased to inform you that there will be no singing during tonight's broadcast. But at this rate, I'm going to be dreading the weekend, and that can't be good, can it? Anyway, where was I? Oh yes. Archie Kennedy here in the Crow's Nest II, bringing you the log of today's activity here in our fair and quirky town on what, for the purposes of Tuesday night and Tuesday night only, will be known as Royal Navy Radio. All due respect, Barbossa, it's just -- appearances, you understand?

Not to waste time, let's launch directly into . . .

Schooling

Today in Advanced Criminal Justice, where it is only pure coincidence that most of last week's "study group" are on the roster, we were subjected to a lecture on vigilantism -- and yes, Mister Echolls, I heard that. I'd be more than happy to elaborate further on that point if you care to know. Yes, that's what I thought. Ha. I'm still not sure why Marty Blank was talking to himself in class, but if any of the ACJ students are seen doing so tomorrow, you may want to stay away. It may be communicable: Professor the Tick started doing it as well.

Japanese haiku were the topic of today's Creative Writing class. I don't know what they are, but I'm sure they were . . . er, creative. Kiki and Phoebe have not quite recovered from Saturday's musical endeavours, as their conversation in class may attest. My sympathies, ladies; neither have I. Professor Chaucer, I hope you're feeling better soon; my well-wishes as well to Professor Gilmore-Danes, whose Business Law and HR Management courses were again in the hands of her capable aide, Piper Halliwell, today.

In Classics/Foreign Literature, the former discussed the poetry of Hesiod's Theogony and the latter The Overcoat by Nikolai Gogol. Chemistry class studied mathematics today, a concept I can, for once, understand. Speech 201 and 301 met, and while the 201 class worked on arguments, 301 discussed trust issues. It's a good thing you didn't get guest speakers for that subject, Professor Cregg; you'd have at least half the population of this school to choose from, I think.

And talk of obituaries -- oh, that's cheerful -- er. *rustles papers* All right . . . who the bloody hell is this Lord Nigel Van Susteren who showed up in Advanced Journalism today? Oh dear God. John Crichton, was that you asking Professor Skeeter about her children and pretending to reminisce about England? For God's sake, man, you could have asked me if you wanted to maintain some semblance of realism. It's your own fault you were turned into a miniature elephant. Look, John, I've known people with ambitions of owning their own menagerie someday. I've never met anyone who wanted to be the entire menagerie himself before, but then you are certainly a unique individual.

Sociology of Sex Cultures watched some film called "Married in America" today, and I can't be sure from these notes whether that encouraged or deterred the students in the class from pursuing nuptial bliss in future. Well, time will tell, I suppose. Or possibly not. I continue to be perplexed as to the significance of Montana to Political Campaigning, but numbers about said place were the topic at hand there today. Speaking of numbers, the amount of reading material we Western Civilisation students are drowning in is formidable indeed, and the fact that we had to have an extra study session to go with the review in today's class should tell you all you need to know about that. A review session was also the order of business in History of Medieval England.

General Physical Conditioning did . . . er . . . tumbling today. I understand this involved mats. I will not be thinking further on this subject. You know, last I checked this wasn't a clerical school, but both Studio Art and History of Art took the unusual tack of employing demented nuns to do the teaching, and on a hopefully slightly less demented note, Arthurian Traditions learned about the Holy Grail.

During his office hours, Professor Chaucer was visited by Phoebe, Kiki, Belthazor, Paige and Professor Cregg, the latter of which also held office hours. The Doctor also held office hours, which apparently had something to do with diamonds and someone named Lucy. Notably, the Principal, the Vice-Principal, and both Deans did not hold office hours today. I wonder about them, sometimes.

Professor Logan's miniature giraffe Earl has deserted, and he is understandably sad about that. Best of luck in your search for him, Professor Logan! Hopefully he wasn't wrapped in a tarp and thrown into a lake by two women named Mary Ann and Wanda.

In the TA lounge, Krycek did crossword puzzles, and ate lunch with Angela in there, while John and Isabel discussed the tuxedo that helped turn Mister Crichton into a miniature elephant. The faculty lounge had chocolate croissants and some other, less unhealthy foodstuffs, and Professor Calendar called Professor Pierson a hick. I will not be looking up that word later, just for the record.

The library, opened as it is on Tuesdays by the lovely Angela Chase, was busy today. When isn't the library busy? At Fandom High, everyone says, "Come down to the library, we'll have a wild time, shall we?" Zero, who was in a bad mood, had queries about idiocy, and her mood was discussed by Angela and Parker, whose mood today was as lovely as she is. I'm not entirely sure why Marty had relationship advice for Belthazor, but there you have it, and he -- er, Marty, that is -- also had a conversation that my notes call "surprisingly friendly." Er, why is that so surprising? Clearly I should get out more. And finally in library news, Rory hates Tuesdays.

A pre-elephantized John Crichton was seen in the mess hall today, as were Broots and Pippi. Also present were Victor and Walter, who later joined Edward and Anders for food and conversation. Victor, Walter, and Edward, my condolences. Really.

Finally, Cameron Mitchell dropped in to see Doctor Pevensie in the clinic. And yet again none of you got detention today. My fellow students, why do you never face the music on Tuesdays? Curse you, Fate! I am thwarted again!

In the Crew Berths

For those of you with families back home, it's a good idea to write them once in a while. Today we had two fine examples: Xander wrote a heavily-edited email to his friend Willow, and Janet also engaged in some correspondence. Sakura attempted to do the same, but then Edward stopped by to see her. Anakin also wrote home and was shortly thereafter berated soundly by Molly.

Further on the correspondence front, Belthazor sent an email to the School Beautification Committee. And now I know that I have something in my email. If I can just remember how to check it.

In news of things not to write home about -- dear God, Angel and Callisto discussed "pretty threesomes," or so my sources say. Angel and a pre-elephantized John were sleepy, but despite Angel's best attempts at sleeping through Campaigning class, Marty rousted him from bed and made him go. Good man. Marty was also later seen talking to Bridge in the hallway. Oh, and apparently Parker and Janet were plotting evil, which could or could not be metaphorical, of course. Evidently this took the form of tossing Marty's clothes off the roof, nearly victimizing Xander in the process.

*pause* Well, at least it wasn't those cream-filled alien pastries this time.

Speaking of metaphorical, Anakin fixed Cameron's thingy, and was rewarded with a lesson about Valentine's Day. *rustles papers more* Oh. Gun thingy, I beg your pardon. Not that this clears things up much, I imagine.

In news of the ailing, Phoebe was in pain, apparently of both the physical and mental variety; she and Kiki commiserated over this. Sawyer was drunk, thankfully not in public. Walter was -- or perhaps was not -- ill, and if ennui can be appreciably counted as an illness, then Isabel was suffering as well. Up in room 326, Lyta was exhausted, but still fared somewhat better than her practically unconscious roommate.

People got sweaty in the gym, like you do. My God, when they say things happen in threes, I'm not entirely sure all this talk of threesomes is what they mean -- Cameron and Aeryn, yes, I'm addressing you. Luckily, at least I know now that the "study group activities" that Cameron discussed with Sam are not of the same ilk, unless that particular euphemism has already been appropriated for more prurient usage.

The third floor invited everyone to celebrate diversity with an International Food Fest; Parker who is not Peter got flowers.

And that damned noisy second floor common room was at it again. Tonight Cally was watching The Great Escape and recreating it in Lego. I tried to do some research on this film, but all I know is that it stars some American guy dropped into British films to make them sell. Angela and Peter dropped in. But in between Callisto and Cally comparing boyfriends, Cameron and Vala being, and I quote, "schmoopy," and -- oh, that's funny, Anders showing up when Cally revealed that she prefers her girlfriends with leashes, it's probably best if you weren't there.

I feel like I need a good bath now. Preferably naked under the deck pump, in plain sight of the entire ship.

To end this section on a happier note, Pippi dropped in on Pip, who was playing guitar.

On Shore Leave

In our fair and unusual town, Cafe Fina was open for business, and the Baron stopped in for lunch. One of these days, hopefully soon, I'll make a stop there. Jaye, when are you free? The Baron and Orlin both stopped in at Wonka's shop as well.

At Caritas, possibly the only place in town busier than the library, newcomer Natalie Lambert got quite the introduction to Fandom, before meeting with Zhaan in the park later in the night. Bel sang to get Phoebe back -- Phoebe, who was at the bar and got flowers. Evidence on whether these two events were related is entirely inconclusive. Orlin, at least, had a good day to celebrate in that esteemed establishment. The lovely Parker stopped in for her usual, and in the category of "not yet usual but may soon be," three of the clone troopers stopped in as well. They sang. As did Lorne. But not together.

*pause, mad flurry of paper rustling* Wait. Is this a bad joke? I'm not sure.

Speaking of Orlin's good day, apparently it started with a visit to Agatha, and continued by welcoming a Mister Giles to town. Zero also met Giles en route to Jeff, the God of Biscuits, and Cordelia met him as well. Apparently this was not their first meeting? Toss a coin, folks -- it could have gone either well or badly, and in this town the odds are even. The two of them later encountered Crowley and Kiki. Again, flip a coin. I wouldn't recommend a gold one. They hurt like the devil if they hit your knuckles.

Pip paid a visit to our lithe and deadly mayor at Blood Gulch Arms, while Professor Cregg got music recommendations from Lucas today at Empire Records. Myself, I'd like recommendations on how to figure out how to work the gadgets to play the damned music in the first place. Yes, I know I'm talking to you over the radio right now, but what do I know about how it works? I just talk into this microphone.

Tonight, though, I have nothing further to say into said microphone. Which is really lucky for all of you. My watch is over now, so this is Archie Kennedy signing off, wishing you all a fair wind and clear skies, and a good night.