Fandom Radio, Tuesday, January 30, 2006

[imanaturalblond.livejournal.com]

"Why, helloooooo there, boys and girls. This is Professor Ms. Rita Skeeter, bringing you all the news that's fit to hear, and all the bloody worthlessly boring things that no one cares about as well. There's much, much more in that second category than the first. Just noting.

Classes, which were all dreadful because I had the day off

The library is opened by Whor - I mean, Rory, and fake principal man gets a library card. He seems to be the Chosen One of something. Janet will be cranky. I suggest you suck it up, Janet. Zero has a piece of informative and classic novel about pirates and ninjas. Erm. Zero, whoever you are? Get in touch with me. That sounds like a rather fascinating and quality book. Archie researches automobiles, and Blair is far too bouncy for a Monday. The library aides talk about studying - and I think that must be a euphemism, as they're awfully cryptic. And it's surely sordid, as Ms. Gilmore is amongst said aides. She then talks to John about 'studying,' which surprises me, as I thought John - unlike me - is in a LOVING, COMMITTED relationship. Which I am not. At all. So stop it, Mr. Crichton. And I'm going to conclude that Whorey was telling him of her exploits and endless string of paramours. Poor John, and his innocent little mind.

In the cafeteria, John and Jack discuss Valentine's Day...aww? And then my notes say that Veronica causes John to be an idiot. He was like that before. Pip, Pippi, Victor and Walter all show off their battle wounds. Then Archie bothers Jessica. Leave the girl alone, you silly boy. And Ed and Han eat alone. How very sad. Except not.

In Shop, Professor Macgyver saw fit to give the brats the gift of projectiles, in the form of tennis ball guns. You poor, foolish man. It seems one of the children actually managed to hit her teacher with it. Do you see why we don't give the boys and girls a way to hurt us, you silly man?

I hope you've learned your lesson, Professor Macgyver. I truly hope you have.

Magical Theory is discussing the completely crap subject of divination. Honestly, load of bollocks, that. Pff. Anyway. Biology and Chemistry are boring. They study. Please, can't you all note the excitement in my voice? It's subtle, but I swear it's there, loves. Psychology 101 talks about art therapy and again, I must note that this sounds vaguely naughty, simply based on some of that paintings I've seen. Art therapy indeed. Sounds more like an excuse to 'polish your wands.' Introduction to Western Literature discusses the nine circles of hell, and though I've never read this Inferno being referenced, I bet I could tell you what the deepest circle of hell is...given that we're living in it.

Creature Languages learn about what a mammal is. I thought you were all supposed to be older children. Perhaps you're all simply very dim. Carl Jung, who I've concluded must simply be a very important student, since we constantly hear about what he's learning, learned something that I cannot pronounce. Sorry duckies. You must all live with the mystery. Darling Veronica Mars has Sociology of Violence discuss hate crimes that might happen at this school, as it seems Dr. Grissom is out. Free period in Quantum Phsyics. Tsk, pretentious, nameless doctor man. There is always something to make the little brats do. Take, for example, young Mr. Belthazor, who gave Dr. Grissom's class a quiz and an assignment. Smart boy.

Anthropology learns about early thingies, and Paleontology is educated about digging or something otherwise dirty. US History, taught by my housemate Professor Lyman, learns about the founders of this nation. Josh, by the way, we're out of milk, and I can't track down the bloke whose hair I purpled. Celtic Studies studied Celts. Shocker. And Tactics of War discussed their favorite war tactics. Of. All. Things. Finally, only Jack and Angel showed up to Self Defense. Tsk.

In terms of office hours, Professor Chaucer was visited by Isabel, Paige, and the unnamed doctor fellow. Unnamed doctor fellow? I shall call you Herman from now on. And our substitute principal held office hours as well, meeting with Dr. House and young Mr. Logan Echolls, who is simply a delight in my class. He and Ms. Mars are just darling, you know, with the longing stares and the blushing. It's adorable, in a sickening sort of way, really. Professor Dream is visited by Vala, that blue man is musing about karma - strange man, Dean Zordon plays something called 'Paperboy,' and again with the vague naughtiness, and poor Dean Washburn is all alone.

And finally, our faux principal introduces himself to the school, and Dean Zordon reminds everyone that school is for, of all things, learning. Sharp man, that Zordon. Er. Sharp head. Except not, because he'd probably crack the tube if he were pointy.

In the dorms, where there should be a multitude of sleeping children - but there obviously isn't

Aeryn and Cameron talk about studying. Valentine's Day posters go up, and there is woe and confusion. I don't understand what's so damn confusing about a holiday revolving around warm-toned colors, cherubs, and naughtiness, but there you have it. I'm just brighter than you lot, of course.

ABC DC HQ YHGKPILJG or whatever the stupid thing is called is open. Dear little Logan Echolls brings by a camera, Angel is utterly clueless, poor stupid boy, and Vala also retrieves a camera.

Pretty-School Committee meets as well.

Kawalsky wakes up, as does Cameron, and Phoebe talks to her...cats. That's...bizarre. Whorey Gilmore sends some kind of message out to people about "studying." Right, dear. Just make sure you use protection.

Marty is all sickly, poor thing, and Nadia and Walter visit. Cameron and Molly talk about studying and...really, is everyone in this school sex-crazed?

Phoebe and her ex-boyfriend have a discussion, and Lana visits the oh-so-injured Mr. Solo. Did you refuse to listen to another angry witch, you obnoxious child? Fred leaves, and we are all very sad. Except I'm not, as I never met the boy.

Kiki is possessed? By what, a sudden need to go shoe-shopping? Nadia is sad, poor thing. And then Callistie and Angel are put into such a mood by 'studying' that they have to go back to Callistie's room for 'alone time.' That's not just vaguely naughty. Sharon got letters, and I'm bored.

Oh, but not for long! Parker tells Zero and an exhausted - probably from her many lovers' attentions - Rory that she finds her friend Jarod attractive. Aw. How adorable. Best of luck, Parker and Jarod. Invite me to the wedding.

Out and About in the town of minimal excitement

A young woman named Agatha makes a shopping list, and then stops by Empire Records. I beg you people. Why, why, WHY is this newsworthy? Phale's is closed. Boo-bloody-hoo. People go there anyway. Idiots.

Agatha gets shopping done, then meets people and then she and Pippi go to the gun place. Agatha? STOP DOING THINGS. Bloody hell, woman. Anyway, Wonka's is open, posters go up for Empire Records, and poor Peter Parker is pathetic in the Perk.

In Caritas, Nadia sings, and chats with Lorne and Jarod Then Jarod and GOB don't understand women. We're not that complicated, imbeciles. Maybe you simply are bad at whatever it is you're doing. And Parker is given a key. I think I might be burned out on naughtiness. You're a sordid lot.

And that's it for tonight. Be good boys and girls, and mind your betters or you might wind up small and furry. Just ask John."

Fandom Radio, January 31

[actingltcrumpet.livejournal.com]

Hello and good evening, Fandom, on this much less tumultuous night than the last time I was here in front of this microphone thing. As a matter of fact, it's a rather quiet evening, but that's a moot point anyway since I didn't have to venture out to the Crow's Nest anyhow, isn't it? Yes, thank you very much, snow monsters. *muttered* For disappearing before I could settle my score with you, among other things. This is Lieutenant Archie Kennedy, nautical antithesis to our intrepid pirate, bringing you today's log of Fandom-related activity.

*pause* The hat stayed home today, by the way. On the off chance that any of you were wondering. Not that you can see it.

And now, without further ado, today's news.

Schooling

Advanced Criminal Justice today was an exercise in adjusting Karma through, er, "wacky" things done in the name of Justice. Initially I had the impression that Karma was much like my mother. After today's class I'm being forced to reconsider that, as I can't imagine my mother allowing herself to be adjusted. *pause* Oh, dear God. I'd like to forget I said that, thank you very much. In the newly combined Classics and Foreign Literature class session, Greek mythology and Norse sagas were the respective topics of the day. Quite the epic undertaking for you students in those classes, isn't it? Speaking of the Greeks, their ancient culture and life were the topic of today's Western Civilisation class. Once again I stayed awake, thank you.

Arthurian Traditions, which continues to be the class I find most perturbing despite my lack of enrollment in it, discussed Sir Thomas Malory's Le Morte D'Arthur, and I'll thank you to not mock my French accent, all right? The elements of poetry were again the subject of Creative Writing. Solid fundamentals, Professor Chaucer, that's the spirit.

Seems we had a minor run of faculty absentia today. Professor Sidle was out and Chemistry was cancelled (thank God, one less confusing concept for me to have to report to you today -- no offence, Professor Sidle). Professor Cregg was also out, sick, but the students in her Speech 201 and 301 classes might not consider themselves to have fared as well, as the TAs were left in charge, thereby thwarting their hopes of getting out of an actual class session. Better luck next time, you lot. Because these things have to happen in threes, or so the saying goes, Doctor Grissom was also out and left Cally in charge of Sociology of Sex Cultures. My notes are blessedly free of details on what knowledge, exactly, she saw fit to impart to the students in that class.

Moving on before my horrified curiosity gets the better of me, Introduction to Archaeology learned about cleaning, analyzing, and interpreting the items one would find on a dig. No, that's not a euphemism, but if it was, it'd be quite the dirty one.

Oh! Dirty! I didn't even -- ha. Er. Ahem. Yes, moving on.

In History of Medieval England, the aftermath of the Battle of Hastings was discussed. By the way, even in my day people misunderstood the actual etymology of the phrase "Domesday Book." Just in case that's any consolation to any of you. Although I could just be saying that to make you feel better. Bias, a subject with which I am NOT AT ALL FAMILIAR, OH NO, was today's Advanced Journalism topic, and Ethics the topic in Campaigning. Business classes today watched videos.

History of Art talked about why, and I quote, "Roman art sucks." *pause* Does it really -- has someone been hiding all the truly interesting Roman art from me, then? Or, er, that's probably another one of those figure-of-speech things, isn't it? Damn your modern vernacular. Studio Art discussed Color Theory. I'm not entirely sure what sort of theory one can invest in color, unless we're talking about the cunning use of flags. Honestly, you'd be surprised. That's more complicated than it might seem at first.

Ah, yes, and General Physical Conditioning played floor hockey. All right, so now I've heard about ice hockey, street hockey, floor hockey, and tonsil hockey. I'm assuming they're all fairly similar. Anyone care to correct me if I'm wrong?

There wasn't much mess hall activity today, except for some "bonding" between John and Aeryn, and you can draw your own conclusions there. Also seen in the lunchroom today were Ivanova, as well as Pippi, Xander, and some fortune cookies.

I don't know what nachos are, but evidently they were in the Teachers' Lounge today.

In the library, opened once again today by the lovely Miss Angela Chase, there was reading of bad romance novels by Zero and Parker. Honestly, ladies, with all those books to choose from? Well, to each his own, I suppose. Belthazor, he of the School Beautification Committee, asked Angela out on a date while looking for books on Japanese paraphernalia. Evidently this led to Zero telling Angela she might need therapy for her, and again I quote, "bad-boy issues." The ever-effervescent Blair was also in the library, also talking to Angela about nonviolence and this past weekend, a combination that seems incongruous to me, but then again, I spent most of Saturday in a hypothermic state, so how would I know? And because the library, for all its studious purposes, is quite the social gathering, Jack Harkness the hell of a kisser was looking for Parker who is not Peter, and Anakin was passing notes with Rory.

Professor Chaucer's office hours went sadly unvisited, while the Doctor had visits from Sam Carter and Professor Methos. The bodiless Dean who hates me was playing something called Pac-Man in his office today.

Our . . . very interesting new substitute Principal, Dewey Finn, proved to be quite loquacious in today's school announcements. Somewhere in there was something about Floyd, the necessity of education, snow monsters, aliens, and a proclamation that he is our friend, not our foe. Let's all keep that in mind, shall we?

And yet again, no one received detention today, and my hopes of giving that speech are thwarted once more.

In the Crew Berths

The entire dorm seemed almost as quiet as the first floor usually does, today. I can't decide if that's a good thing. In the second floor common room, Edward was drawing snowmen and received visits from Sakura and Anders. Edward, my condolences on that latter bit. Lana was doing homework, as were Alphonse and Cameron. Being studious might be communicable, as Rory sent out an email to her study group, which later met in the library.

Convalescence seemed to be a theme today: Lee tended to a still-injured Kara, while Lana visited a very sick Han. Some folks' hearing might be in need of recovery, thanks to Jessica and Ivanova and their off-key singing. And to all the rest of you who are also recovering from this weekend in some form or other, get well soon. Except one of you. You know who you are. Introspectiveness was also an order of business for the day, if Aeryn, Nadia, and Buffy's behavior is any indication.

Perhaps Logan Echolls could have benefited from a little of that introspection. He might not have accidentally made use of the second floor girls' restroom this morning, otherwise. Honestly, Mister Echolls, it's usually a good idea to ascertain that you're using the right head before you plunge on in.

And on an entirely unrelated note, Walter and Victor spent the evening together.

On Shore Leave

The Cat Business Office was open today, though sadly with some damage from over the weekend. Angela met with Edward Scissorhands at the Perk, and later had quite the shopping expedition at All and Sundries with Rory, Isabel, Cordelia, John and Xander.

Down at the Fourth Sin, Callisto stopped by in search of a ninja, whatever that is, and Quark made a delivery. Speaking of Quark, apparently as of late last night he acquired a new hanger-on and employee by the name of GIR. Er. There must be an odd-name bonding thing going on here. Or it could be coincidence, though in this town I tend to chalk very little up to coincidence.

There's a new record store in town that seems to be quite popular. Nadia was caught shoplifting, and in quite the turn of events got a job out of the situation. Ivanova shopped for posters, Harper's search for music proved sadly futile, Paige, er, ballet danced in the listening booth, and Victor came in to buy something called "black lights," which makes no sense to me, but what does? That Lucas seems quite helpful -- he had recommendations for Walter, who chatted with Victor. Quite a bit. Paige chatted with someone named Mark over brownies, as well.

The Cat was called home, and Puss came by to bid him farewell. Pleasant voyage to you! *sound of shuffling notes* My god, it's the season for departures, isn't it? Doctor House and Professor Chaucer went out for a bike ride, during which Doctor House informed Professor Chaucer that he will be leaving. I'll be sorry to see you go, Doctor.

Jarod played with his kitten -- and at this point, folks, I'm leaving it entirely up to as to what's a euphemism and what isn't, because I give up -- and called Parker on the telephone about last night's radio broadcast. Walter was late for his lessons with Alfred, which did not exactly please Alfred. And Professor Lyman and some of his housemates watched the State of the Union address. Which state? Don't you have fifty? Blasted colonies.

At the Rare Books Shop, Mister Aziraphale met with Phoebe, who reportedly did not seem like herself, and with Kiki as well. Crowley met with Doctor Wilson and invited him to dinner. Speaking of dinner, I haven't had mine. I should see about that.

Earlier in the day, Doctor Wilson and Mister Aziraphale woke up together, then spent more time together after dinner. Incidentally, Doctor Wilson, did I ever thank you properly for taking care of me last semester while I was ill?

Caritas is always an interesting place. Phoebe was in quite the musical mood there tonight, and had some well-deserved drinks at the bar with Veronica for her efforts before returning to her suite at the Arms. Also at the bar were Quark, Harper, and the aforementioned Veronica, with Pip. And dear God, Veronica, I have something in my notes here about sexual tension between you and Bel so thick one could cut it with a knife.

*coughs* Look, I'm only reading what they give me, all right? And that's all I've got for the night except for this late report about, er, a rampaging band. So if you're out and about in the town, you may want to stay out of their way -- unless that's your idea of fun. And that's the end of my notes and the end of my watch, so this is Archie Kennedy signing off, wishing you all a fair wind and clear skies, and a very good night indeed.