Willow: Hello Fandom! This is Willow Rosenberg, reporting to you with all my parts in the appropriate places.

Xander: Is there some reason they wouldn't be?

Willow: Are we going for something other than 'We live in Fandom'?

Xander: Yeah, good point. Parts do seem to migrate a lot around here. Some people's parts, anyway.

Willow: This is what I'm saying. Ergo, I am happy to be me. As me. All of me. With no spare me-ness.

Xander: Or spare -- hey, that rhymes.

Willow: ...what does?

{Long pause}

Xander: Booze, which the squirrels are toasting us with. It rhymes with news.

Willow: Oh! Well then let us choose to cruise through the news!

( Though you must click to peruse! )

Hi Fandom! Willow Rosenberg here, reporting all on my lonesome as my co-reporter and BFF is not feeling well tonight. Feel better, Xander! Eat lots of chicken soup! Unless the problem is that you've turned into a chicken, in which case I'm obviously not advocating cannibalism.

So time to kick it old-school with just me and the squirrels doing the news! ( Not that Willow did the news at her old school... )

Willow: Hi Fandom! Willow Rosenberg here for Fandom Raa-ah - ah - ACHOO!

Xander: Geblessyouheit. And this is Xander Harris.

Willow: I wish I could stop doing that. Every time I do that they explode and die. It's dusty pathos everywhere!

Xander: Maybe it's like the cookies. You how it's okay to eat chocolate chip cookies because you're helping them fulfill their cookie destiny? Even if they have smiley faces on 'em? Maybe this is like... dust bunny nirvana or something.

Willow: So they want us to sneeze on them?

Xander: Or chase 'em with a broom.

Willow: Oh! Like playing tag! Only with dust bunnies and equipment.

Xander: And more exploding. Like playing tag with vampires!

Willow: Yes! And with less likelihood that they'll try to drain our blood and leave us for dead. Or at least I hope so. Otherwise today is much more complicated.

Xander:( I think we've got enough news to read already without adding vampire bunnies to the pile. )

Willow: Good evening, Fandom! This is Willow Rosenberg for WTFH, here to report the news and wish you a happy Kite Flying Day.

Xander: It's Kite Flying Day?

Willow: Also Laugh and Get Rich Day, but that one sounds like it came from a Nigerian stranger who's asking me to trust him.

Xander: I actually met some trustworthy strangers in Nigeria, shockingly enough. Not saying I would get into internet banking with them or anything, but jeep ride out of a sandstorm? I'm there.

Willow: Do they have a service for that? Like you go to the stand in the middle of the storm and wait for the regularly scheduled jeep?

Xander: Not so much. More like try to take shelter against a rock face and hope that thing that looks like an SUV coming towards you isn't a mirage.

Willow: Or a partial mirage where the mirage part involves the brakes.

Xander: Oh good, something else to worry about the next time I get stuck in a sandstorm. I remember I was getting bored with the choking last time.

Willow: I'm here to help. Shall we do the news now?

Xander: I guess we should - I mean I could go fly a kite, but it's kind of dark out now.

Willow: Yeah, in hindsight I wish we could've told people about this sooner. On the other hand tomorrow is Toothache Day so I kinda understand if people are not so much with the celebrating.

Xander: Who makes up these holidays? Am I allowed to send Mel after them with a stake?

Willow: Sure. On Kill A Weird Holiday Maker Day.

Xander: *heavy sigh* Which I just know you're gonna say is not today. Fine, whatever. Did anybody laugh or get rich today?

Willow: Let us find out! ( With news! Which is past this cut! )

Hello Fandom! This is Willow Rosenberg reporting to you on behalf of Fandom Radio, where we bring to you all the news that squirrels felt like taking notes on during the day. You would think that this would mean a report with a bias towards nut-related activities, but the radio squirrels take their duties very seriously and do not allow their personal feelings to get in the way of fulfilling their jobs! Especially since they love wearing those little press hats. Finding out they couldn't go around with tiny fedoras tipped at a jaunty angle would break their little squirrel hearts. Then they'd cry. It'd be awful. Luckily for us all this is not an issue.

Anyway! Hi! There's a lot of new people out there and I know getting used to Fandom can take a while. To help you out a little, let me first point out that for those of you who are not familiar with what a 'radio' is, you are not currently being talked to by an invisible person. If you look around I think you'll find there's an object of some sort, usually rectangular but not always, and sound is coming out of it. That is a radio. Unless the object making noise is furry and the rectangular object is on top of it, in which case that is most likely a cat that is trapped beneath a heavy book. In which case lift the book - which is the rectangular object, not the furry one - up very carefully so that you can set the kitty free. Cats, though smart, do not appreciate reading from a squished perspective.

And for those of you who are, say, from the dimension of my cooking study buddy, allow me to explain that rectangles are what your paper would look like if you stopped clipping the corners off of it.

Moving on with our lessons, my name is Willow Rosenberg and for those of you who haven't met me yet I am the redhead who looks like me. Unless there's a girl named Trina here in which case she is also a redhead that looks like me but I am not her and she is not me much though this may cause some confusion. To help clear it up I'm the redhead who looks like me who will say "Hi!" if you call me Willow or "No, sorry, I'm Willow!" if you call me Trina. Trina would respond differently though I couldn't tell you how as I've never met her and thus haven't been able to ask her. But it's still a fair assumption to make, I think.

Now that we've cleared all that up and set the squished kitties free, we can move ( On to the news! )

Hi! My name is Willow Rosenberg and this is my report on what happened in Fandom.

( Radio, by Willow, who's wee )