fandom_radio | Fandom Radio [Saturday, August 30 NEWBIE DAY]

From the stacks of paper in front of me, I'm gonna presume today is newbie day and I'm about to spend half the night talking. There'd better be a fresh bottle of scotch in there, rodents.

*chittering*

You heard me! And it had better be aged, too. None of this girly bottled in 2003 crap you tried to pass off on me last month.

*chittering* *sound of a cabinet creaking open*

That'll do, squirrel. On to the news!

Fandom High School Welcome Picnic
Well, as usual there was a really massive picnic to celebrate the arrival of fresh meat. Ahh, let's hope for some young, nubile teachers to ogle.

First up was the Big Sibling program.

Dick warned his little sib Buffy about turning into rocks and animals. The Frog is back and Wendy is in fact, Wendy, his little sib who is not a tadpole. Myn looked for his sibling and found Cimorene with a giant sign and talk of magic. Ben got an earful from big sib Dean about Artoo and blackmail.

Jan had his nametag on his nose because he's a mother *beeeep*-ing unicorn! Oh Jan, please tell me you give rides. Aww, Ino explained stuff to the unicorn! Chad, his guitar, and his naked cat were all freaking unicorn with the little sib Eric. Naomi and little sib Meg boggled. Probably at the unicorn! Molly told big sib John that Fandom's totes normal until he pointed out the unicorn!

Jen explained mentoring to Claire who thought she was being hazed. Blair was a podperson and talked to Annja about her time in France and NYC-WHAT UP HOMIES? New York represent! *sound of thumping chest* Yeah, that's right, I know what's what.

What being Ella brought little brother Tony a muffin. Hannibal shocked Joan with his nudity and recommended she mock Deadpool. I agree. That dude's mask freaks me out. Hurley met big sis Hoshi who was my TA once upon a time.

Peyton met big bro Peter who promised there weren't unicorns yesterday. Sam Wincest-I mean Winchester found both Bliss and her wolf. Wolf-girl is her new name.

Ender saved the day with his nametag, otherwise Jess would've been sans sib. Tahiri was grumpy but is glad to hear she's not Savannah's apprentice. Toby had his nametag stuck firmly to his shirtless, oiled chest while he looked for Penelope. Kid, it's easier to look when you're not focused on how shiny you are. Though, interesting girl-catching strategy.

Next we have the area where new and old students played Meet Your Roommate. Buffy got us off to a good start by finding out Jess is not a girl. Good use of eyesight, there, Buffster.

Wendy found out Ben is in the police force despite his age. Fraser, hit this kid up so you can stop chasing the delinquents with your cane.

From the sounds of it Myn and Eric got along and shared stories about non-humans while Jan and Dor looked for one another. Here's hoping there was finding at some point. Claire and Penelope got right to religion, leaving Annja and Adam to do the whole get to know you thing. Molly looked for her roommate. Meg and Peyton joined the legions of kids who've never had to share. Oh boo hoo. I shared a room with James for twe-fifteen years and it was awesome!

Hurley found out Tahiri was a girl, again good use of vision, kids! Joan met some chick with a wolf. Nice. She's probably hoping the wolf's potty trained. Lola met Tony and there was much relief on the sex front due to his gayness. Tony? Beware the shirtless wonders. You'll know what I mean when you meet them.

In our last organized event of the day, everyone had the chance to Meet Your Teachers. To start the fashion show, Anakin was moping about in a nice, brown robe courtesy of Teachers Don't Get Paid Enough to Suit Up. Myn found out Anakin fought in the Clone Wars. Wolf chick is apparently also known as Bliss and introduced herself to Anakin. Deadpool was prepared to stand by his man, whose hair was listed as fabulous. Really? This is the dude with the mullet, right?

My roommate Bond was satisfied watching. Dude, don't be watching me and Vala. I know it's hot, but she likes her participants active.

*sound of rustling papers* No, that can't be right. *laughter* Some guy and his hamster arrived and Mohinder provided them cheese. It was decided that Deadpool was a knight and needed help saving damsels because his jumpsuit would get all dirty if he did it himself. How does that spandex hold up in the wash? Is it hang to dry or lay flat?

Anyway, Mohinder drank tea and The Doctor seems to get an extra capitalization in his name. That doesn't seem fair. Though, I am The Barnacle. Hmm.

Ronon spent some time grunting while Murdock talked to him and Deadpool shared some info about the dinosaurs. Which, yes, totally exist and there would be pictures but that dippy bastard stomped my phone!

Tyler and Sam Carter caught up on old times and roommates. What? Have none of you people ever shared anything before? Ronon stared at Carter. Was she hot? Sam sounds like a hot smart chick with glasses and a library card. She also talked to Anakin about what a giant sap of a grandfather he is. Say it with me folks, AWWWW!

Fraser and his cane were mingling slowly until Deadpool stopped and licked him to make sure the maple syrup taste was all gone. No worries, Scherbatsky, Deadpool had to hold Fraser down to get some reciprocation.

Abbey Irene and her dog were out doing the mingling, as was Murdock. Aly of the knives met the wolf chick, and Zoe brought baby Grace out to mingle. Murdock and Zoe talked about fresh starts and aging kids before Anakin stopped to bitch about slow-moving buses. Oh my god, did they let you drive? Hmm, it seems a fresh face, Ms. Bennet with some fine eyes showed up unexpectedly.

Ghanima sat under a tree. Lily pretended she wasn't broken up inside because Marshall wasn't standing beside her. I know how you feel, Lil.

Meg literally ran into Nathan and discussed the strangeness of Fandom. What? No zombies where you're from? Come to the roof party Murdock and Mike were planning, there's sure to be some Fandom crazy to see firsthand.

Some dude in a hat showed up and was questioned by Jaina and greeted with laughter by John. Seems these kids know something the squirrels don't. Murdock just liked his hat.

Chaos reigned at the picnic, but I'll do my best to make sense of these squirrel renderings.

Robin: *sound of door opening* Hi, having fun lying tonight?

Barney: Me? Lie? ... Okay, but with this radio, do you think I really even need to?

Robin: I don't know if you're intoxicated, lying, or it's just the new kids being weird. Either way, I'm bored and Benton fell asleep early like the elderly. Which he is. Lemme read stuff.

Barney: I thought you'd never ask! *sound of paper shuffling and liquor pouring*

Robin: Merci, mon ami. Oooh, this really is the good stuff. So, I start this off with the caveat that, kids? On any given day, I actually care about...maybe six of you. Add in a billion new kids, and wow the apathy comes out. So anyway, Myn recognized Tony, and they talked future career stuff, while Ino -- helpful girl that she is -- told him alllllllll about Fandom. I hope you broke him in good, Ino. It's fun to hit them with it all at once, right? Anyway, Liir also went to talk to Tony, and they did the introductory thing. Fascinating.

Marco was there, because hi, food, and Jo was wandering around shirtless and hit up Jess and then Ben...who's some guy named Luke's kid, I guess, for more shirtlessness. Good girl. Ichigo told Angela that Fandom people think he's weird or something. Eh, you probably are. And maybe you smell funny too. Let's just add to your complex. Robin who isn't me, and is also amphibious met Angela and thought she was new, while Blair talked to her about the unicorn. Okay...even if the unicorn's real, which I still kind of doubt, are we in seventh grade, ladies? Do I need to go find all my old Lisa Frank stuff?

Ino apologized to Chad for saying she hated him -- awww -- and then he talked to Robin-not-me-but-a-frog about their summers, played his guitar for Lola, plotted evil senior stuff with Teddy, and listened to Ichigo whine about his shirt or something.

....okay, so. Jan is a unicorn. Maybe it's some kind of slang. Anyway, Wendy explained trashy romance novels to him, Molly confused him by talking about traveling here, Friday informed him about...general human things like ice cream, Robin was the first talking frog he'd met -- so, clearly not me. Liir told him how he already knew about unicorns, and Toby wondered if he was on drugs. MAYBE WE ALL ARE, TOBY. MAYBE WE ALL ARE. Turtle pimped out her store to him, and then there was something involving a wolf and WHAT IS WITH ALL THE RANDOM ANIMALS? Teyla untangled his mane, Teddy explained slang and clothes, Buffy confused him, Marco was stuck on 'DUDE,' and Sokka just thought he was awesome. Yeah. I...don't even know.

Ino filled Wendy in on Caritas and zombies and stuff. And then Wendy noticed Ned for being tall and cute. If by cute you mean 'ridiculously awkward.' Friday advised Wendy to stock up on food -- I am now worried why, and whether he knows something I don't -- and she bonded with Teddy over comics.

Meanwhile, Naomi was around, Turtle was bouncy, and Cal got visits from Lola who smokes, Dojima who wanted him shirtless, Temari who was adorable, and Sokka who was excited. Elsewhere, Ino was on a mission to get all the boys shirtless or something, because she's clearly brilliant. She tried Friday and Ichigo, and was just generally bouncy before wandering over to talk to Molly about what there's to do for fun at home.

Speaking of Molly, she talked to Friday about her fortune, and to Liir about his broom. Viki had a baby monitor, which is sad because wow teenage moms are depressing, right? Friday freaked out Claire, and finally we had a shirtless boy in the form of Romeo, thanks to Dojima, and Blair talked to him about some party. A shirtless party?

Hoshi talked to the other, more green Robin about their summers, and Penelope thought he was a puppet. Then she met Friday, Liir and Buffy. Ned and Claire were weird and talked about funeral homes, and we had more shirtless boys thanks to Ino: Lee and Hannibal, who went on to talk to Teddy about...love biting or something. I don't know.

Meg got some attention from Romeo thanks to her bodyguards -- holy crap, overprotective mom and dad, much? -- and Buffy was confused because Meg's mom isn't president where she comes from. Well, that explains the bodyguards. Huh. Anyway, Dean told Lola about doubles, and then Sam told him how he broke up with his girlfriend. Bummer. Wait. I thought he was with Lu -- never mind.

Ronan and Seregil met up, and Harry talked to Seregil about a skull. Weird. And Ino naturally tried to get Seregil shirtless, while Tony mistook him for his ex. Hurley had some time travel issues, but Lee helped him out, before Hurley went on to talk to Robin who is a frog about acting roles for frogs, to Lola about more boring time stuff, to Liir about food, and to Teyla about space.

Liir talked to Hinata about some dinner thing, Andros was around, and Ino recognized Ender, while Temari asked him how his boooooyfriend is. And then, some people were there, like Sokka, Alice and Francine, and Robin who is small and green waved frantically at his roommate, Jack.

Ino told Eric how she's the unicorn's big sister. Hopefully not literally, or you've been holding out on me, Ino. Liir, meanwhile, gave him brownies. Wow, Eric, way to take treats from strangers. Ben recognized Jaina from babysitting when he was tiny...okay.

Firekeeper eyerolled at Liir, talked about her wolf with Ichigo, and some more about the wolf with Francine, and then some more with Robin, who is all about talking about his summer today because he did it some more with Alex. Buffy asked Liir for a moment of self-identity, and he failed, and then she told Temari that she was avoiding people. Robin who is, again, a frog apparently played a song and got a look from Buffy, and Sokka was just glad to have her back.

Ned and Andrew gossipped like schoolgirls about Jeff, and Adam told Andrew about his summer, who told Robin about how he fought pirates or something. Ino recruited Weird Hair Kid for her shirtless cause, Blair talked to him about the party, and Ben was confusing at him about Jaina. Lola apologized to Sam in German, while he went on to tell Peter how he broke up with his girlfriend. Seriously, Sam, way to harsh the picnic. Weird Hair kid tried to poison Gavin, who warned Ino about his paleness when she hit him up for shirtlessness, and who was recognized by Myn.

Ino reassured Jess about our crowding issues, while he went on to bond with Liir over books -- nerd alert! -- and flirt with Brooke. Molly met up with Harry, and Liir asked Toby if he's oiled up to go to the beach. Ino admired Lola's hair, and Sokka spoke terrible German at her. Adam and Robin missed Fandom this summer -- dude, didn't I already recap this?

Dojima got Dick to go shirtless -- hee. Shut up, sometimes I'm immature. Lola talked to Liir about food, and Hannibal tried to make Peyton feel better about the unicorn, while Liir offered her brownies -- seriously Liir, stop trying to pawn your food off on people who don't know you. Everyone knows not to take stuff from strangers. Lucas and Peyton had timeline confusion -- oh man, I totally feel you guys -- and Brooke and Peyton were okay with it because now they get two of each other! Awww, it's like me and Lily.

Barney: Don't make me throw up here! And seriously, I don't see how old people like Fraser didn't beat these kids with their canes for talking so much. Isn't that the point of having a cane?

In another area of picnic, Ned met Lola and talked about her journey from Germany. I hear they love the Hoff there.

Ino made sure Ned wasn't fleeing the crowds while Warren and Anemone climbed trees to hide and mock. The squirrels seem to think they're being replaced.

Helen talked to Warren from the ground and Rikku tried to hug him.

Alec was shirtless and impressing Lola with his hotness and his skill with languages. Ah, good to know there are others here who share my gifts. Jo impressed Alec with her commitment to Shirtless Newbie Day before Alec managed to convince pink-haired and tramp-stamped Molly to go topless. Peyton tried to figure out this shirtless thing. Okay, pause. Shirtlessness is where people remove the top half of their clothing, thus being without a shirt.

Tony and Alec flirted and Claire wondered some more about hazing. They're not all out to get you, Claire. Just most of them.

Ino was still on her mission and happy that Alec was already shirtless. Alec helped her task by making Dean take it off for his pleasure. Aren't they twins or something?

Rikku was pleased to see Alec keeping up morale for the Naked Mutiny troops. There's a whole mutiny of nakedness here that I'm not a) Aware of and b) In some leadership role for!

Bumblebee was making friends with people like Lola, Meg, Jack, and The Frog who all went OH EM GEE, DOUBLEYOU TEE EFF at him. I know, netspeak doesn't translate well.

Ichigo didn't have a shirt because Ino stole his for her shirtlessness project and Angela thought it was a bad ploy for attention. Wow, bet she feels stupid now. Hoshi on the other hand, was happy Ichigo was in the spirit of things even if he wasn't, which didn't stop Ella from explaining the tradition.

Cimorene and Blair talk newbies. Blair seemed to know Eric already. Tony confused Peter for Jess and had the powers talk with him. Hmm...lots of confusion with Peter and Jess from Joan and Ben, who thought the bus driver-who we've established was Anakin-was insane.

Cimorene was there and Hannibal was still shirtless and appreciated by Annja and Angela who provided cookies. He and Alice talked flavors and relaxation.

Liir was also relaxing with cookies and books. Which Peyton and Claire should have considered joining in since they were feeling so new. There's nothing like snacks to make you old and fat. Ino promised Peyton she'll be better tomorrow. Which I doubt, unless the island stops having unicorns tomorrow.

The Frog met Lion-o and talked animal transformation and not eating people. Well, that's...just great to know? Lion-o compared hair and hands with Lola.

Angela reassured Joan that she wasn't on bad acid. Nope, just Fandom. Craziness is a theme as Ino, Lola, Alice, and Dean also helped Joan with that, but The Frog made it understandably worse.

Inara, Brooke, Ella
Agnes, Adam, Alice, and Naomi chose to people watch. And really, all these kids freaking out about frogs and cars is good entertainment. Biff would bring popcorn.

Ino explained how she knew Myn was new, Liir chatted Myn up in the grass, and Jaina learned Myn knew her when she was three.

Ino showed bell-pierced Hoshi her new hairdo while Rodney cranked about newbies to Rikku. Dick's not wearing a shirt. He should've taken off his pants and lived up to the name.

Chad and Lola shared their love of music, Liir and Cal shared their love of clothes, and John and Jaina shared knowledge of the noobs.

Jaina also re-met Tahiri. Ino met cherry-poking Dor. No word on whether he stole hers. The Frog continued his waving streak at Dor, while Alice assured Dor the cheeries weren't poisoned.

...And the Frog told Rikku he broke the unicorn.

Town, which I'm shocked had more than tumbleweeds

The morning in town started off with a unicorn washing up on the beach and talking to Aravis, followed by Firebringer and her wolf-oh wolf girl- showing up, and then Miss Bennet showed in a stagecoach. Also, Cable and Deadpool returned and planned on dinner and a movie.

Har--hmm *sound of a magical bang* Wow, that was more smoke than I thought. Ahem, where were we?

Right, Roy was brooding on the beach and Aly comforted him. On the opposite side of things, Wade and Nathan fight about a movie.

Dinner at Geoffrey's was all for Fiyero, Liir, Al, and Altra. Like a giant family of quiet people. *sound of crickets chirping* I can hear them now.

...SO! Viki both skipped work and stayed at work with magic and bells. Tink might not approve.

In store openings today, Turtle was hiring at T&C, Kael'thas checked out his new Magic Box, Fraser opened Malchanceux Harris Apartments because he needs a new job to pay for his canes. Charlotte emailed staff about the new showcase, and Fiyero and Millie bonded at Book Haven. Too bad they didn't stop by Fina first where Fai had a cookie special. Lion-o must really like cookies because he asked for a job.

Cable was upset about changes to the island and manged to make himself mayor. Well, congrats, big guy! It's my pleasure to offer you a month's free membership to Atlas' exclusive towel club.

Ino worked the evening shift at the clinic and damn, we are DONE!

Barney: Still think I made it up?

Robin: No. But I still think it was a valid theory, since I know you and all.

Barney: Good, 'cause I want the dirt on pajama-man holding the Mountie down and licking him. Sounds kinky.

Robin: You and me both, seriously. I can only theorize at this point. They're both weird. And old.

Barney: Let's go wake his old ass up and ask!

Robin: He won't want to answer with you there. He's weird that way. I'll totally get the dirt and pass it on, though. He's so old, though. Do guy cougars get a special term? Because I'm not sure he's even one of those. He's just a dude who falls asleep early on a Saturday night.

Barney: Oh fine, but you should stop by Atlas Gym this week. We're hiring people who can pull off spandex that isn't their superhero costume.

Robin: Yeah, but I look like a Turkish lesbian when I work out. So I'm just coming for the eye candy.

Barney: I'll make sure there's popcorn.

Robin: And I'll bring my flask. Say night-night, Barney.

Barney: Night-night, Scherbatsky.

[So many thanks to ALL the super-special helper squirrels, the fantastic