fandom_radio | Fandom Radio, Friday, May 18, 2007

"This is Vala Mal Doran, and I'll be your radio personality for the evening, recounting the fascinating and varied events that took place throughout your day. Or maybe I just tell you the news as reported to me by drunken squirrels who are a bit too possessive of the radio equipment. Either way, I'm in this small windowless room that smells like rum and unwashed pirate. It's a peculiar odor, and not one I'm particularly pleased by.

Also, Ares, if you're listening, my shoulder is still sore and I told you it didn't bend that way, not that it wasn't worth it, but I thought you'd like to know that you were wrong, because you strike me as that kind of person. Er, God. Yeah, let's go with God. And you still owe me a new shoulder. Preferably not attached to a person.

*ahem* Anyway...

First, I would like to know exactly what kind of media outlet uses squirrels.

Classes: Why learn tomorrow what you can sleep through today?

The morning starts off with an announcement from our illustrious leader that a number of students, namely Alec, Seely, Hamlet, Jude, Michaelangelo, Rikku, Johnny Storm, and Dawn, have detention tomorrow with Constable Fraser of the formerly pink hair and soft lips. However, you all probably know him as Constable Fraser, so that's what you should call him. Also, it's much shorter. What's a Mountie, by the way, and is it good to have a hot one? The evening luau is also announced, along with Principal Washburn's fervent wish for people to remain clothed.

All that pregnancy must be getting to her brain, poor woman.

Also, if any of you are in my class, please let me know so I can give you extra credit for whatever it is that you did that I absolutely don't approve of or want to encourage.

In real classroom news, or what would be classroom news if we had classrooms, Mechanics meets and the students introduce themselves. Isn't that what nametags are for? Or DNA identification? Not that I know anyone who does that, of course. Flight and Flying races podracers---ooooh, that sounds like fun, I should do that--there are introductions, and again with the lack of nametags, I see. Students then tried racing their podracers independently, with a hungover Mel, impressive Gavin, cocky Jaina, nervous Isabel, Johnny Storm who I guess doesn't need an adjective, Neil who crashes, shaky Inara, frustrated Luke, eventually humbled Tannim, whiny Anders who thinks the podracers are too loud, experienced John Sheppard, Z and her fear of mortality, whirling Billy, flammable Lucas, excited Robin, Luna who wonders if handlebars are like reins, and nervous Naomi--don't you just love alliteration?--all take their turns individually. Then they fly against each other, chat, some Inara person chats with a frog...and okay, I guess that makes as much sense as anything else in these notes, so let's go with that, but if anyone knows the girl, you might want to get her into psychotherapy, which I hear is valued on this planet, and Anakin and Luke have a tense conversation about apologies and letting things go.

Yes, the letting go of things like the shower rod is very important, but not as important as a safe word, and you really don't care about the rest of that story, I'm sure. Shouldn't there be ice, with all the alcohol lying around this place? I'd lodge a complaint with the union, but I believe they're all passed out in the corner. Squirrels, not known for their high alcohol tolerance.

Cabins: Just like the dorms, but with less privacy and more bugs

Oooh, this is much more interesting than classes. I like this section, it's like a soap opera. Apparently Mel got drunk and fell asleep in the wrong bed. The next morning--dun dun dun--she woke up, argued with the person whose bed it was, made out with him and got water dumped on them both. This is what trysts in the woods are for, people. Or rooms with doors that lock. How is it no one has ended up pregnant at this school, again?

In less fun news, Jaina and the ever-virtuous Karal go for an early morning run. Annette wakes up early and hates everything, which wouldn't have happened if she'd slept in. Just saying. Eve does some reading, John Sheppard contemplates some stuff in his alcove--oh, is that what they call that here? Good to know--and Ronan goes to meditate in the preserve. Ah, the old meditation story. Always one of my favorites. Good times, and way to support the classics, Ronan. I approve.

And because no day here is complete without some emo--I think I read that in the handbook somewhere--Angela is leaving, and many people stop by to say goodbye. Oh, good. More people. Why don't you all have laryngitis by now? She and Anders discuss her new school and her future plans, She and Tori discuss Tori's not-date and summer plans, and decide to play with semantics. What the heck is a not-date, would someone please explain? Anyway, Isabel redyes Angela's hair and they make plans for New York, Bel apologizes to her, Xander brings her a present and a bridge made out of ferrets or something involving twinkies, Anakin and Angela wonder how they got to their present condition from the emo club, while I am left to wonder if they're more or less emo, and which is the more desirable state of affairs. Parker and Angela reminisce about their first week here, Rory comes up with a plan that doesn't involve Angela leaving, Zero signs the Teal Deer CD so she can sell it when the band is famous, or I assume that's why Angela had her sign in, it which case I must applaud her foresight. Zero, if you would like to drop some other signed copies off in the basement of 18 Apocalypse Avenue, I would be most appreciative. Cally wanders over to say goodbye, and Jaye tells Angela that leaving is forbidden. Awwwwwwww.

Back in the cabins, the Chupacabra campfire is rollicking, with Kou lighting sticks on fire. Congratulations, Kou! Welcome to the stone age! I'm sure there are some rocks with sharp edges you can use to cut things around here somewhere. Over in Basilisk cabin, they're millions of years advanced from Chupacabra and have pie. And no, Haku, Teddy didn't make them. That's how you know you're in the industrial age. Teddy shares the non-homemade pie with Chad and would someone please tell me why there's glitter all over that section of the notes?

Town: Where the faulty alarm systems and easy to open locks live

Or where there are a number of very intelligent men in very heavy looking white suits and one sheriff who is not as susceptible to flattery as I'd like. But more on that later.

Roxas relaxes on the beach, and Demyx shows up, Melody renames Empire Records to Pussycat House of Groovy Tunes. You know, I once knew of a house of ill repute that went by a similar name, but instead of groovy, it was gooey, and, well, you probably don't want to hear the end of that story either. Stanley, who is apparently the village idiot, is confused by the change in decor. Isn't it just...paint? Anyone know where his house is? Just out of curiosity?

Kenpachi goes to the Atlas Gym--mmm, Atlas. Er, long story. Tori tries to impress him. Wilson takes a walk in the park, Millie opens the Book Haven, Liz opens the post office and Angela--I assume the one who is leaving--comes in to ship some things home. Buffy--no, seriously?--opens the Magic Box, and Seely comes in, bringing doughnuts. He wants to hit Ronan and Buffy tells him not to ask Aravis for sex on the first date. This is good advice, unless it's a really good date, you're both consenting adults, or you run into each other in the faculty lounge. Dawn brings Buffy her frying pan of DOOM, Seely and Dawn begin to plot evil against Ronan--geez kid, what did you do?--Buffy and Cordelia agree that boys suck, Cordelia and Dawn catch up, and Seely prefers shirtlessness to other nakedness.

Teenage boys. Don't you just love them? Read a book, kid. Seriously, you'll learn important things.

Meanwhile, on the beach, Anakin meditated and talked to Rory. Lots of that meditation going around today. It's like we're in a real life version of the Lysistrata or something. Leo gets ready for a night's adventure, and it's obviously not the kind of adventure I'm thinking of because the notes say that he meets Annette and Johnny Storm for some ghost hunting. Dick, Annette, and Leo are not scared at all, everything gets cold when Annette goes into the bathroom, and Johnny hears little kids laughing. The notes are also derogatory about their experience. Please send your complaints to them, not me.

In the clinic, Christian wrote a letter home since there were no patients, and Natalie had an equally quiet night shift. In Caritas, GOB was drunk as a skunk. Skunks drink heavily? Weird. As opposed to the squirrels, which just look like they need it. Sheppard shows up to get drunk and verbally abused by GOB, and Fraser stops by, comments on GOB's less than stellar appearance, and makes GOB think he's dating some woman named Luau.

...are GOB and Stanley related, by any chance?

In the cafeteria, the Chef makes many things I can't pronounce, Annette takes her anger out on a poor, defenseless salad, because that seems perfectly reasonable, and Sheppard didn't get the turkey sandwich he wanted, so he gorged himself on something called a s'mure instead.

Setsuna works at Devil's Nest, and Ami stops in, and they discuss bubble tea.

Rock-a-Hula Luau

*shuffles notes* I hate you people. And I'm going to need a very large glass of water to get through this. Please excuse me.

*dead air* *sounds of drinking*

*clears throat*

For the four of you that missed it, there was a luau . At the main campfire, some nutjob named Jaye is listening to marshmallows, Seely hits on Aravis dorkily, Aravis and Sabriel are "luau-confused" at each other, and what does that mean? I speak English, and I don't understand half of this broadcast. Pam skewers marshmallows and talks to Buffy, Naomi talks to a lei'd Robin, Karal blushes--awww--at Isabel and gets introduced to s'mores, he talks about his horse with Inara, Dick is shirtless and snuggly with Annette, so naturally they're discussing a headless pig. Er, thumbless. Because that's obviously much better. Prue teaches Gavin about marshmallows and freaks out over his last name, and Anders avoids her like the plague.

Johnny Storm is shirtless, roasting marshmallows in his hands, and flirting with Gavin, then he talks to Abigail about getting detention, gets teased by Billy for being a show-off, and Robin is awed by his fire abilities. Annette has marshmallow issues, and Tori helps her with them while Billy teases her.

Girls, this is why it's important to have female friends.

Gavin is not shirtless, and why is this news? Fraser is there, and the squirrels are very excited to see him out of uniform. Yes, he was still dressed. He chats with Emma Frost, whose clothing was...negligible, at best, Parker says goodbye in advance, he and I were flirting in a completely professional manner as between colleagues with common interests, Isabel appreciates the lack of uniform, but boggles at the hair. It wasn't that bad a cut, Isabel. And the pink was a bit odd, too, but I didn't want to say too much. Colleagues and all. Mac shares vegan marshmallows with Cally and greets Sabriel, and now I have another question: What's a vegan and why would you want to make marshmallows out of one?

Also? What's a marshmallow?

Now I have a list of people who were at the luau, in case you were taking attendance for some reason I can't possibly fathom: Jim Halpert, Isabel, Adam, Tori who is cute with a slightly jealous Luke, Billy, Neil, and Buffy. Cedric got lei'd by Isabel--good boy, but you might want to try doing that in private instead, unless that's your thing--Xander brings his ferret bridge, which makes Isabel eep, probably from seeing all those rodents in the same place, Z and Parker can't believe this happened again, and Billy tells Xander he has a ferret on his...Ohhhhh, that makes much more sense. Thank you, Billy, for that clarification.

Mel and Zuko flail, then make out, which makes Katara jealous--oooh, intrigue--and she bends the contents of the punchbowl at them. Now I have no idea what that means, but anything that disrupts a makeout session seems mean. *clears throat* Or, possibly, like the responsible thing to do. Yes. Sokka argues with the kabob-roasting pig, and Evie scolds the pig...

I'm sorry, who the heck scolds a dead pig? I'm putting Evie in the same family as GOB and Stanley now.

Squall lurks with tequila, Molly is astounded by the dead pig and Katara's news of kissing from earlier. Evie person? Please note that although Molly was surprised, she did not yell at the poor, dead animal who is there for us to eat? She even told Steve that she was supposed to be here, which I'm sure was a great relief to Steve. English Peter and Willow were reportedly adorable, and Billy greets her. Ed snarks at Roy, and then flails at Al about Roy being there. Not sure whether that means at the luau or in Fandom. Jaina has a thing for marshmallows, Parker and Zero boggle about all the new kids, Parker meets Robin, Charlie sways and chats with Isabel, then Billy and Robin.

John Sheppard waves to a shirtless Alec, then explains luaus to Inara. Billy is there, and Robin roasts marshmallows on a weetiny stick. Aww, that's not nice to say, you'll give him a complex. Bad squirrels, no rum.

Ow! Oh my god, I was kidding. Learn to take a joke, you stupid alcoholic squirrels.

*shuffles papers* My god, there's more? If I had followers, I would absolutely make them do the rest of this broadcast. Not that I ever had followers, of course.

Hey, I have a TA! He can do this for me, right? Except he's...well, I don't know where he is, but it isn't here.

Damn it.

So there is dancing, and Seely "works it" dorkily, Dawn mesmerizes Sam with her dancing, Parker dances without a grass skirt, Robin joins in on his banjo, and Willow and Peter dance. Awww.

For those of you still awake and not in a coma, there was also a buffet table. Conner grosses Z out by talking with his mouth full, Aeryn agrees to wear a flower if John will give her a massage, and that entire couple just concerns me. Aeryn, in case you didn't know, John proposed to me with some kind of candy the other day, and that's really not the kind of behavior you should tolerate if you're going to get married. I also understand couples' counseling is a popular option.

What? I teach one class a week. I have to do something with the rest of my time.

Moving on...Wilson has food and scopes out the crowd--yeah, because that doesn't sound too creepy, Tannim drops his food and chats with Charlie about workshops, Shawn gets some free food, Cassie lurks and nibbles--is she a mouse? And I can't believe I had to ask that question--Adam eats, Emma contemplates Dale's hot dog, or something, Annette has root beer and pineapple, I had a completely professional and neighborly conversation with Roy Mustang, Molly is anti-poi, Dale shows up in a suit and tie--oh, nice, Dale. Glad you could relax and have fun--Aly shows up hoping something will explode and I have to say I admire that, Steve feels guilty for eating pork in front of the pig.

Okay. One more time. THE PIG WAS DEAD. If there was a ghost pig or a zombie pig or a cloned pig, then you'd have problems. But you didn't, so instead you had a sandwich. This seems remarkably fair. And tasty.

And...hey, that's it. I'm done. Huh.

Please send my tribute to the radio station, care of Vala Mal Doran. Or to my apartment, at 18 Apocalypse Avenue. Gold and other non-traceable and easily transportable items are best.

[ooc: There are some links on the bulletin board. Please check them out!]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

If Zuko listened to the radio, he'd argue that there was NO MAKING OUT. He didn't listen to the radio, though.

Raph folded his arms across his chest as he listened to the radio. Somehow, he didn't think Master Splinter did the proper research on this place. At all.