Fandom Radio, Sunday Morning

[mouthy-merc.livejournal.com]

Deadpool: And this is where I tell people what they did yesterday. It’s a magical, booze filled place.

Brooker: I distrust these squirrels.

Jono: We all do, mate. Is this bring your teen to work day? I missed that memo.

Brooker: I am not a teen. I’m an Askani warrior.

Deadpool: But he’s so adorable with the angst!

Jono: An angsty teen. Trust me, I know one when I see one.

Brooker: I am not an angsty teen!

Deadpool: He’s very sensitive.

Brooker: Why haven’t you killed this one yet?

Deadpool: Because that would be rude. And you’re so angsty, I could make a CW show about you.

School

Jono: In the library, a small child was making Cassidy whimper. I imagine you'll find that, from here on in this is going to be the theme for the broadcast as a whole.

Dorms

Jono: In the dorms, there were, you know... children. Moving on.

*chittering*

Jono: Oh, hell. Fine. Peter Wiggin was resting in his room, clothed, the squirrels are happy to report, when he was woken up by his daughter by way of Natalie, Lilith. Jacob and Caroline met their own brood, Noah and Sarah, who I hear put the two of them through a bit of trouble that evening when bedtime rolled around. I find shameless bribery often works, myself.

Deadpool: Or tea time. Shut up.

Jono: … Actually, I'll have to keep that in mind for my little girl. Real tea, or imaginary?

Deadpool: Kids don't care either way, usually. Now I need to go stab things to reaffirm my masculinity.

Jono: Little Ada was surprised to see her parents, Natalie and Sam, together. A bit of interesting role-reversal, there. Normally it's the parents wondering how in the world they managed to wind up with a child, after all. After she headed back to her room to change, Peter stopped by to introduce her to Lilith. Bruce and Kate woke up a bit on the early side, and no sooner had Bruce jinxed it by warning her about the possibilty of post-prom children, than a teen and a small child arrived, looking for Kate. A teen by the name of Ethan showed up, but took off once he had money for breakfast, as did another teen, Terry. Such a nurturing family, really.

Deadpool: Next there will be kidnappings and crazy moms.

Brooker: Who’s to say this isn’t the vanguard of kidnappings and crazy moms?

Jono: Cara's attempts to sleep in were cut short with a visit from her teen son, Mason. Rebecca, meanwhile, was followed home by... a cat. And that's about all. Well, then. Chuck, who had spent the night in the lobby of the dorms, was located by Rhaella, who insisted that they locate Dany so that they might get pancakes. Of course, Dany had other concerns, being woken up by Rhaego, who was decidedly rude to Petra until that Prom tiara of hers proved that she was royalty. I think I still have mine somewhere, come to think of it. Er. A crown. Not a tiara.

Deadpool: I’m sure it’s a very pretty tiara.

Brooker: Can it be thrown?

Deadpool: ….

Jono: Come to think of it, it is rather aerodynamic. But I'm not yelling the names of pretty planets if I do end up flinging it at somebody.

Deadpool: Fiiiiighting evil by moonlight!

Brooker: You don’t.

Jono: In any case, Chuck and Rhaella did find Dany, for an awkward introduction session. No word yet on if they actually managed to get around to pancakes. Ben and Ender were already dressed by the time their daughter Valentine arrived, but that didn't stop Ben from attempting to hide from here, to little avail.

Brooker: He had the right idea, but his execution was terrible.

Jono: Well, naturally. He got caught.

Brooker: A rookie mistake.

Jono: Luke was relaxing in his room. Silly lad. That will never end well, on the day after Prom. As can be evidenced by the small gaggle of children that visited him, including Christian, his child with Kate. And Anna and Aritaseus, his children with Percy, who stopped by a little later, himself. Seifer was graced with Sylvie, who truly sounds like a little angel, what with the demands of waffles and of her mother, Rinoa. Who, naturally, was sleeping elsewhere while Squall basked in the afterglow of Prom. It can be safely assumed that every time the notes mention afterglow, children are going to show up. It really ought to be a drinking game.

Brooker: You’d think these people would be prepared.

Jono: I'm prepared. I have rum.

Deadpool: I would run, but this kid is fast.

Brooker: I’m not fast. You are slow. And full of rum.

Jono: Squall and Rinoa's child, River, showed up. Drink. Seifer texted Squall and Rinoa to warn them about Sylvia. Drink. Rinoa made plans for the three of them to have dinner with their children together. Drink. And George and Jeremy woke up without any children at all. Chug.

Deadpool: Awww, I have no alcohol!

Jono: There's always the option of appealing to the squirrels' better nature.

Deadpool: ...they have one?

Jono: They do if you're threatening to stomp on them a few times, I find. Hanna had a hangover, which, of course, was trampled over by a daughter by the name of Emily. Rapunzel made her acquaintence, and then Elphaba stopped in with her daughter-by-way-of-Karla, Lurlianna. Lucrezia's attempts to sleep in were thwarted by a teen by Juan, who is, apparently, her nephew. I believe the surprise twist demands a drink, as well. And then Kenzi's son Vlad interrupted Kenzi's morning of lounging about in pajamas. Naturally, this devolved into nefarious schemes in short order.

Brooker: Someone should use the cameras to keep track of these people.

Deadpool: That's illegal. And creepy. We have squirrels for this stuff.

Brooker: They’re drunk. It’s unreliable.

Jono: And yet the drunkenness makes for quality radio, really. Toby and Kenzi got waffles, courtesy of their daughter Ellie. Sleipnir, who is, in fact, an eight-legged horse and the son of Loki, mooched sugar cubes from Ellie in the common room. Hank was a little concerned by the god-steed, but his own son, Rusty Jr., seemed to be able to take Sleipnir in stride. Julie and Caleb surprised Ellie with a little bit of a timeline mismatch, while Claudia's daughter, Stan... interesting name... was just happy to have waffles, which Rusty Jr. explained were part of the most important meal of the day.

Deadpool: Neeeeeerd.

Jono: Vlad and Ellie met over waffles and bonded over being half-siblings for the weekend, and Rusty Jr. was just excited to have some waffles. Up on the roof, Alex was brooding. Possibly because he sensed that he was about to meet Lysander Sparkle more-names-than-Cable, his son with Loki. He did not take the news well.

Brooker: Sparkle is a ridiculous name. It is almost as terrible as Dazzler.

Jono: Or Magneto. Or... Christ, I could go on forever.

Brooker: Chamber. That one’s awful, too.

Jono: Bastard.

Deadpool: This kid has all the bitchiness. I'm starting to like him!

Jono: Girl-Sam was lounging about with meatballs when she met Fris, short for Frisbee, whose battle for the meatballs had to be broken up by Freddie, who turned out to be the lucky father. Mazeltov, Fredward. And in the third floor common room, Quinn was watching a Teen Mom marathon. One of the many reasons I don't bother with television, these days. The other of which being the travesty that is modern MTV. In any case, Ethan, her son with Bruce, found her there. Apparently, however, he already got enough money from his father to keep him fed for a while.

Brooker: He should be more self-reliant. Study hunting.

Jono: And if he's a city bloke, he can learn a dozen different ways to prepare pigeon?

Brooker: With the right mixture of spices and berries, pigeon is good.

Deadpool: It's called squab. And it was brought to America as food. Thank you, the History Channel. I learn things when you're not playing repeats of Pawn Stars.

Town

Deadpool: Over in the park, we had all these kids show up out of nowhere to cause us all severe emotional trauma. Glitz and Ziya--seriously?--went off to find their parents. And beat them for giving such horrible names. Alberto and Lena were busy with realizing it was the day after prom and maybe they should hunt their parents down with some kid named Elena. At least they have normal names. Derek realized he was Fandom past and then proceeded to hit on a chick whose dad looked like him. That's Fandom for you. Remind me to tell you about the time we had a Jean here and her feelings about Nate.

Over in the Perk, Lex got to meet a kid named Connor and some chick named Tess. Possibly the mom. Details are lacking. At the Boards, my cohost was entertaining his cat and I am being very good about not making a joke here because there are an additional number of children listening. Miley showed up to chat about not getting into her college of choice, but that discussion is sidelined by their kid Cash showing up. That better be based off of Johnny Cash or so help me.

Jono: Well, who else would it be based off of? His mother wanted to name him Ranch.

Brooker: Ugh. I hate that salad dressing. Its taste is offensive.

Deadpool: You have no soul, Limey. Some random kid who doesn't know their mom claimed that Jono was her dad based on skintone, which is all kinds of wrong if you know mutants. I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'. Look at those Guthries sometime. A kid with a basketball showed up to let Jono know that he was his kid with Troy. Ahhh, I get it. Basketball. Clever. Another kid--wow, you are a busy man--showed up to be mysterious at him concerning her mom and I will just glare because I dated that chick first. But she was, you know, not jailbait then. Last, there was a kid with him and Raven, teleporting around and getting lectured.

Jono: She shouldn't be sneaking out like that and worrying her parents, is all.

Brooker: Or maybe she’s just taking some initiative and scouting out the area before either of you get murdered by a stray, psychotic child.

Jono: Stray, psychotic children are the least of my worries these days, mate. But I'll be certain to thank her later if such is actually, though unlikely, the case.

Brooker: Just accept that your daughter might be better at tactics than you are.

Jono: She's all of four years old! … ish.

Brooker: If she’d been part of Clan Askani, she could have easily wounded someone by now!

Jono: Instead, she's the daughter of a pacifist and a retired X-Man.

Brooker: Impossible. Pacifists are a myth.

Jono: I'd pat you on the head for that comment, but I'd likely lose a hand.

Brooker: Yes.

Deadpool: At that apartment complex--no, the other one--Zayne had to deal with a ginger Jedi kid who enjoys snarking at him. At Stark's place, Topher repressed all the trauma of the weekend. Yeah, that'll help. Pinkie Pie was wandering around town when she found out that even she has a kid. With six moms. I'm not sure I want to know more about that. Some kid named Ana showed up to talk about tattoos and cutie marks. What the hell are cutie marks?

Brooker: I don’t like the sound of them.

Deadpool: You don’t like the sound of a lot of things.

Brooker: And maybe if people would listen to me, that number would decrease!

Jono: I think more people would listen to you if you'd just stop talking all the time.

Deadpool: At the bait shop, Jon offered free goldfish to kids--no, we have enough pets, thanks. In the park, Billy pushed his kid on the swing and also repressed all the trauma. All of it. At Cafe Luke's, Zinzi and her sloth watched the door to keep kids out. A wise move on their part. At J,GoB's, Stark's kids--other Stark--had cupcakes. As you need when things like this happen. Kate's kid also showed up with her and there was a lot of snarking and ego involved. So, the dad could be half the island. Some Ben asked for a cupcake and I think the squirrel got diabetes over the cuteness of that. I, for one, don't approve. And lastly, Warren was flying in the park when he was assaulted by a ball of feathers. ...you know what? I don't want to know.

Brooker: Don’t take any risks with unfamiliar enemies.

Deadpool: With feather balls.

Brooker: It could be hiding a knife!

Deadpool: In its feathery balls.

Brooker: Or imagine waking up to this creature trying to smother you.

Deadpool: ...with its feathery balls. *snickers*

Jono: Possibly the most satisfyingly schadenfreude piece of news thus far, really.

Brooker: At the Devil’s Nest - because invoking the devil is such an amazing idea - Bo had no knowledge of the current onslaught. She’d be killed in minutes where I come from.

Deadpool: You have so much rage built up there.

Brooker: I’m realistic!

Deadpool: Go drink some milk.

Brooker: Maybe I will!

Jono: Such a manly drink.

Brooker: It is! Guy brings his child Derek to the bar. Apparently he attempts to sleep with both Tiny and Eric, and doesn’t seem to understand the importance of actually wearing clothes. Let me educate you. They keep out both the elements and stray bullets. If you play your hand right.

This makes it awkward for Guy to admit that his son is lacking, but he mans up and does it for Tyrion anyway.

Deadpool: Oh burn! You better get yourself a topical ointment because that was a first degree burn.

Brooker: Moving on to the next kid to wander in, Ellie failed to scheme her way into buying alcohol. I never understood the draw of the stuff. Likewise trying this is Chris, who claimed to be able to trace his bloodline right back to Professor Skywalker. Apparently he hasn’t taught you about alcohol, either, Chris. OJ attempted to come up with an alternate scheme to get to the alcohol, but he and Chris are sidetracked by their shared Force-sensitivity. I’d argue here that it’s not a good thing when potential enemies know about your powers, but Maria Stark proved that it was not much of a leap, as she was able to determine Chris’s powers by his haircut.

Remind me to talk to my hairdresser about inconspicuous haircuts.

Deadpool: Only if you let Jan braid your hair. She’s crazy about braiding lately.

Brooker: She isn’t any more.

Jono: Grew out of that sort of thing, did she?

Brooker: Yes.

Deadpool: And into shooting people? Well, she was always big on that.

Brooker: Yes. It’s inspiring.

OJ then tried to seduce Bo but it went... poorly. I’d choose a more tactically brilliant mate, OJ, if simply to make up for your own lacking in that arena. Maria might be an option; at least she’s observant enough to point out the flaws in your strategies. In fact, she’s also the only one capable of recognizing that alcohol impairs your judgement and shouldn’t be imbibed. She’s rewarded for this knowledge with stories about the time her father was punched in the face.

I have stories like that. Well, of Askani’son punching other people in the face. I like them.

Deadpool: I punched him in the face once!

Brooker: He punched you in the face multiple times.

Deadpool: ...shut up.

Brooker: Kenzi wishes for more alcohol. Maria attempts to point out how stupid this is. Sadly, she nets only more stupid in return as Kenzi flails about like a drowning seagull. Kenzi’s son Vlad is with her, and together with the bartender, she laments the fact that she can’t have alcohol.

Do I even need to say it?

Either way, her other offspring arrives fairly soon afterward, baffling her with her lineage. Someone called Toby. I’ve never heard of him. Then Bo and Tyrion commiserate about the inanity of it all. I can only hope he helped her gain some actual insight as to the dangers she was facing. This ‘portal’ can’t be benign.

Jono: It's Fandom, mate. It's about as benign as a gremlin bite, and hell on the wallet of any parent who winds up with even one teenager. Bloody bottomless pits, the lot of you.

Brooker: They brought bottomless pits? Karla and Warren spent the morning fornicating, but then their children arrived. A classic mistake. Shortly afterwards, they were also met by a boy named Aindric. I’d hope they were better prepared this time.

Kate and Bod met their son, Dorian, of whom they already had knowledge. Other men and women who were ambushed by possibly malevolent offspring at the hotel were... *shuffles notes* … a man called Stark, who met his children Ziya and Glitz. Goose shows some actual tactical skills as he attempted to make a run for it, but his children managed to run him down in the end.

Deadpool: Not fast enough, it seems.

Brooker: On the opposite side of the spectrum, Ronan chose to invite the children into his home. Fool. There he met ’Caled’ and ‘Peach’ who wanted to know about his cooking. Serves him right if they poisoned it. Another boy by name of Felix appeared to inquire after his father, who wasn’t on the island. He played Ronan for a fool, getting him to coax his father back to the island. Insidious. Then Victoria, daughter of Isabel and Wyatt, made her appearance. No word on whether she managed to talk Ronan into further treachery.

Hercules’ children were named Pandora and Betty, and one of them claimed to descend from Ronan himself as well. I don’t see how this is possible.

Deadpool: Magic. Or science. Maybe Skrulls?

Brooker: Ugh. Skrulls.

Deadpool: We need more Skrulls. Thin out the number of vampires.

Jono: Ugh. Vampires.

Brooker: I say we shoot all of them.

Deadpool: THIS KID, FOLKS.

Brooker: Katrina also said she was Ronan’s daughter, but the presence of another got her ire up. Divide and conquer, that’s the right way to do it. Better than Bronwyn and Victoria, who broke bread together. That can’t go well.

Deadpool: There was breakfast at casa de Summers and it wasn't domestic. At all. Then our buddy Brooker showed up to be angsty at us. Jaye was lounging around her place when a kid with the unfortunate name of OJ showed up to demand food. Kids. Always wanting to eat. That ginger Guy found he had a kid randomly on his couch, oh and that he was his. And the hot bartender's. Awww, I want a fake kid with her!

Brooker: Don’t. The last thing you need is more enemies.

Deadpool: Maybe I do! Cap had a kid show up, but wasn't surprised. Because he's Captain America. So... Tony stopped by for hiding from his kids and being awkward at Cap's kid. Making fangirls everywhere start writing things. Tyrion woke up to a kid that he didn't know he had, and it was all very serious and somber. Otherwise known as awk~ward. Sam and Peter met up with their daughter and there was hugging. A lot of hugging. I think that's the most normal response so far. Weird.

Brooker: I don’t trust it.

Deadpool: Do you need a hug? Should we give you a hug?

Brooker: Do you want a knife between the ribs? Again?

Deadpool: Why can't you accept loooooove--ow, my lung.

Brooker: Askani’son can’t say I didn’t warn you.

Deadpool: Momoko learned that portalocity hates all of us and had to walk through town to get to the hotel. Along the way there was Pinkie Pie flying by--hee--Jon warning her about kids, Jaime for all the catching up in the world, Lion-o to chat about how prom went. And then--okay, way too many names there--everyone in that clusterfuck met up with all their kids. Momoko, Jaime, Dinah, Lena, Berto, and Elena. There, plenty of names. And some chick named Kayla showed up to say hi to Dinah and Momoko. Apparently there was squealing.

Jono: Not terribly surprising, if you've met either of them, really.

Deadpool: I'll stay squeal free, thank you.

Brooker: I’m not sure Janice doesn’t use it as a weapon.

Deadpool: ...damn it, now I need to teach her banter.

Jono: Thus ensuring that mutantkind is, if nothing else, witty until the end of our days.
Deadpool: It's for the best. Have a good day, folks!

Brooker: Remember that the enemy is all around you.

Jono: He really is adorably paranoid. Take care, Fandom. Please don't eat us out of house and home, visiting teens.