Quark (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
wouldbenagus) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
fandom_radio2018-04-21 11:00 am
wouldbenagus) wrote in fandom_radio2018-04-21 11:00 am
Emergency broadcast, Saturday morning, after the regular broadcast
"Is this thing on? Test. Test." *obnoxious tapping noise* "What? Don't give me that look you little rodent. I don't know how your primitive Earth communication devices work. Who am I, Nog?"
*angry chittering*
"I will call it that if I want to. And you, portal girl. Stop glaring. It's unladylike."
*prolonged pause*
"Okay, keep glaring then. See if I care. Hello Fandom! It's your friendly neighborhood Ferengi here, Quark, owner and proprieter of Quark's, home of Earth's first stable wormhole and Fandom's own glowing magic cocktails! Swing by after the broadcast and mention hearing the secret prize code phrase '[unintelligible Ferengi phrase]' for an extra 20% your full purchase!"
"Your bar is the reason people are dying."
"You have yet to conclusively prove that in a court of law. With me today is the lovely — and glaring — Mona, from the other side of the wormhole, here to let us in on our current situation. Take it away Mona!"
*prolonged pause* ". . . Thank you. Quark." *deep sigh* "As he said, my name is Mona. I followed a tremens through the portal. I'd like to go home and back to my job, but I have to save all of you first. So please listen closely: The creatures that have been stalking your town are called tremens. They're attracted to and feed on the spark of life that inhabits every living creature. That's why your friends are in comas. The spark of life, called the animus, responds to alcohol. In my world, bartenders are tasked with managing this side effect of alcohol consumption and protecting drinkers. Apparently here your bartenders are just tasked with being obnoxious for cash."
"We're not tasked with it, it's just a benefit."
"If you drink alcohol in the right combination, it will ignite your animus in such a way that you gain extraordinary powers. Apparently some of you have noticed that already, too. You have to be careful, because this also makes you a target for the tremens, who appear to be coming together en masse in your town. That's called a delirium. It's extremely dangerous, as it means the tremens will be hunting by daylight and in packs. It's very important that we work out the proper combination of alcohol, mixers, and presentation to close the portal again. So the delirium doesn't eat your town alive. The best way to recover your animus after an attack is through coffee. Coffee is a restorative and a healing agent. If you feed your comatose friends enough coffee, they will be just fine."
"So come on down to Quark's, at 71 Serendipity Place! Where the lovely Mona will be on hand to help you get super powers and defeat the monsters, and we've got plenty of alcohol and coffee to keep you going! Remember, at Quark's the management isn't happy until the customers are happy, and have paid their tabs in full. See you there!"
[the power of cocktails and coffee is now common knowledge! Go forth and use it as you will!]
*angry chittering*
"I will call it that if I want to. And you, portal girl. Stop glaring. It's unladylike."
*prolonged pause*
"Okay, keep glaring then. See if I care. Hello Fandom! It's your friendly neighborhood Ferengi here, Quark, owner and proprieter of Quark's, home of Earth's first stable wormhole and Fandom's own glowing magic cocktails! Swing by after the broadcast and mention hearing the secret prize code phrase '[unintelligible Ferengi phrase]' for an extra 20% your full purchase!"
"Your bar is the reason people are dying."
"You have yet to conclusively prove that in a court of law. With me today is the lovely — and glaring — Mona, from the other side of the wormhole, here to let us in on our current situation. Take it away Mona!"
*prolonged pause* ". . . Thank you. Quark." *deep sigh* "As he said, my name is Mona. I followed a tremens through the portal. I'd like to go home and back to my job, but I have to save all of you first. So please listen closely: The creatures that have been stalking your town are called tremens. They're attracted to and feed on the spark of life that inhabits every living creature. That's why your friends are in comas. The spark of life, called the animus, responds to alcohol. In my world, bartenders are tasked with managing this side effect of alcohol consumption and protecting drinkers. Apparently here your bartenders are just tasked with being obnoxious for cash."
"We're not tasked with it, it's just a benefit."
"If you drink alcohol in the right combination, it will ignite your animus in such a way that you gain extraordinary powers. Apparently some of you have noticed that already, too. You have to be careful, because this also makes you a target for the tremens, who appear to be coming together en masse in your town. That's called a delirium. It's extremely dangerous, as it means the tremens will be hunting by daylight and in packs. It's very important that we work out the proper combination of alcohol, mixers, and presentation to close the portal again. So the delirium doesn't eat your town alive. The best way to recover your animus after an attack is through coffee. Coffee is a restorative and a healing agent. If you feed your comatose friends enough coffee, they will be just fine."
"So come on down to Quark's, at 71 Serendipity Place! Where the lovely Mona will be on hand to help you get super powers and defeat the monsters, and we've got plenty of alcohol and coffee to keep you going! Remember, at Quark's the management isn't happy until the customers are happy, and have paid their tabs in full. See you there!"
[the power of cocktails and coffee is now common knowledge! Go forth and use it as you will!]