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fandom_radio2007-08-20 01:02 am
surferboy-09er.livejournal.com) wrote in fandom_radio2007-08-20 01:02 am
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Fandom Radio, Sunday, August 19th, 2007
Once again the voice coming from the radio Sunday night sounded like a man doing a poor impression of a woman's voice. Only now the squeaky voice was speaking in a horrible British accent.
Hem hem! Good evening Fandom, this is Headmaster-High-Inquisitor-Queen-Principal-Princess-Grand-Poobah Dolores Jane Umbridge. I have come to report the wrongdoings you nasty little creatures have been engaging in this Sunday. I haven't seen such disrespect since my last job at the Dairy Queen and had a full on M&M Blizzard uprising. NO M&M'S WITHIN FIVE CENTIMETERS OF EACH OTHER! Is that so hard to ask!? Filthy ingrates, the whole lot of you.
New decree! No talking about my tenure at the Dairy Queen. I'm still plucking sprinkles out of my...
MOVING ON!
School, where I will punish you in my pink office!
Unfortunately there was no school today. New decree! There will now be school on Sundays! I will teach you all how to dress so no man will ever want you and how to get that old lady smell. Then you can all live a bitter, sexless life like me and the only happiness you get is from punishing innocent children. Won't that be nice?
Dorms, where there shall be more punishing!
This morning I made an announcement over the intercom and showed off my beautiful singing skills. Cuban Pete was my stage name when I was an erotic dancer in the Heathrow airport. This was before Dairy Queen. You haven't seen punishment until I rehash my act from Heathrow. It was to Falco's "Rock Me Amadeus". Karal wakes up to a talky chinchilla. I don't know what that means but when I figure it out there will be a decree against it! Rory stays in bed and gets a visit from Luke. NO BOYS AND GIRLS TOGETHER! First it's just talking, then it's dating and next thing you know there are mad orgys in the hallways. Utter chaos! Bel wished he could stay in bed forever and his fellow rule breakers are chatting. Rikku wishes away her hangover. Hangovers are nature's way of saying that you should obey me and everything I say. John Sheppard takes Charlie on a swoop bike ride. She better had been eight inches away from you or I will...do something very bad to you! Yes! Like force you to dress like me! Oh, I'll do it. Don't think I won't. Troy gets an e-mail and human!A.J. asks him about a gift he thought Troy gave him. Rikku was consoling Jude who was upset about Sak. No consoling! Consoling usually involves touching and then we're back to orgys in the hallways. Namine goes to see Valentine and GOOD LORD DOES NO ONE FOLLOW THE RULES! If I had any real power I'd punish you all severely!
River is cooking lunch in the fifth floor common room. She and Jeff discuss the closet agenda. River and Evie discuss cooking. In the gym, John Sheppard set up for flag football practice. There is entirely too much touching in that game! Flags must be lengthen to at least six feet to prevent any accidental touching during the game. Can't have any orgys on the field. There is chatting, an obstacle course and a place for an audience. Nasty voyeurs. No more looking at people! New decree! Blindfolds must be worn at all times! Setsuna is on the roof with white hair and her wings out. Last I checked it wasn't Halloween. No celebrating holidays months in advance. It's like when convenience stores sell Christmas decorations in September! I hate that! I forbid that from happening here! Consider it decreed! Billy and Jude end up ticking her off and get thrown off the roof and down the stairs, respectively. Damn. She stole my ideas for new punishments. Now I'll have to punish her.
Dean is on the fourth floor, making hamburgers and watching coverage on Hurricane Dean. New decree! All hurricanes will now be named after me. Sabriel comes in with her pet spider and Dean offers her some food. Who keeps a spider as a pet? Dick wants a hurricane named after himself. I personally think Mr. Casablancas should have a golden statue of himself built in the center of town so we can all behold his manliness. I shall order that construction to start immediately! Dean shares Dick's hurricane enthusiasm and Sam makes fun of Dean for it.
Town, where I will punish you while performing a jaunty karaoke tune!
I see some of the people in this town aren't totally hopeless. Some of you have jobs. For instance, A.J. opened Luke's Diner and he receives a package while he's there. I try not to take packages from people ever since I received a box with a hole cut in it one Christmas. It contained...well, it was disgusting and totally inappropriate. That's why I broke up with my fiancée. It would have never worked out between us anyways. He was a lactose intolerant Cuban dictator, I was a manager of a Dairy Queen. Two different worlds. In more working news, Robin opened up the Magic Box, Leo opened the Photo Hut, Millie opened the Book Haven and Gabriel opened the church. That better be a church where you worship me and my utter rule over this school. And soon...the world! Mwahahahaha! In clinic news, Doogie and Stark had quiet shifts. That's because I haven't punished anyone today. Turtle opened Turtle and Canary and Jeff brought sandwiches he got from Luke's. YOU BETTER HAVE BEEN EATING THOSE AT LEAST TWO FEET AWAY FROM EACH OTHER! That's right! I just upped it to two feet! Fear my wrath!
Ronan is walking through the park. New decree! Ducks are forbidden to converse with one another! Try to plot a quacktastic uprising now! Chad runs into Ronan at the park and they have an awkward conversation about Ronan cooking for Chad and Teddy again. Cooking? Is that new lingo you kids are using for sex? NO MORE COOKING! If I can't cook then no one can! Rikku isn't cooking but she is drinking coffee at the Perk. If there is one person in this world who should be banned from coffee, it's her. New decree! Rikku can no longer have coffee or frappuchachos or whatever it is you kids drink these days. Deadpool drops in and Rikku warns him to stay away from me. That would make me very sad. I happen to find Mr. Deadpool very attractive. I know, I can act a little cold. But Dead-y, we can make this work. I'm an evil wench, you're a crazy guy with weapons. We're perfect for each other. Visit me soon. Barbossa has written a note and left town. That's too bad. He was the sexiest man in town. Er, he means nothing to me Deadpool! He's all looks, no substance! Lucifer and Wilson return from wherever they were breaking my rules to a waiting Aziraphale. Tinkerbell broke into her own store to get Animal an ugly pink dress. That's utter nonsense. As long as an item of clothing is pink there is no way it can be ugly! Just wait till my school uniform decree comes out. Pink sweaters for everyone!
Now bar news! Bars are evil places where dirtiness and inappropriate touching breed like...like a place where people are drinking alcohol. My analogies are always great and you will chuckle at that! Chuckle now, dammit! Anyways, at the Devil's Nest Kabuto was working the empty bar. Caritas was hopping perhaps due to GOB wielding his Sword of Destiny. I'm not impressed. Tino tried to hit D'Argo and got out of working. Lazy fool. If I were your boss I'd feed you to the rabid skunks I keep in my desk! Yes, I keep rabid skunks. Bet you don't want to disobey me now. First they'll stink you up and then they'll make you foam at the mouth. Barney stared at D'Argo and they talked of Letterman and tentacles. For a second there I thought that said test...well, something that shouldn't be spoken of. Ever. Joanna regretted talking to Barney and he probably regretted following her to the lounge. You're going to end up getting maced, dear. And as funny as that is, I want to be the one doing the macing in this town. Vala was worried about GOB with a sword. With any luck he'll cut his hand off or something. D'Argo was shocked Vala wasn't Aeryn and said he'd hit the next person that came in. So he hit Barney. That is highly inappropriate! New decree! No more doppelgangers in the school. They encourage violence. Current doppelgangers will have to have a limb taken off so we can easily distinguish you. Barney, who is dumber than I thought, tried to help GOB with his illusion. It didn't work. Color me surprised.
Tinkerbell and GOB seem to have a discussion about drinks and cleavage. Disgusting. There will be no talking of cleavage in this town! D'Argo blew on her and wondered about her cleavage aloud. Have the decency to keep your inner monologue to yourself! Tinkerbell hit on Animal. Barney took time away from stalking Joanna to hit on Tinkerbell. Well, looks like the new girl has the new men flocking to her. SHE MUST BE STOPPED! New decree! No hitting on Tinkerbell! Actually, no hitting on anyone that isn't me! Joanna drank and thought GOB was strange. Join the club. Buster wondered if the sword was going to be used for sushi. I hate sushi. New decree! No more sushi...ever! And Robin was singing about red and black and...something. Perhaps Checkers. Steve wondered if Tinkerbell was Jan. And GOB lined up shots for Animal.
Such lack of respect! I am the Empress of this school and you all will treat me as such! I am now adding Empress to my title! That's right! This is Empress-Headmaster-High-Inquisitor-Queen-Principal-Princess-Grand-Poobah Dolores Jane Umbridge signing off!
[![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
umbitch's identity totally stolen with permission. I really want Dairy Queen now.]
Hem hem! Good evening Fandom, this is Headmaster-High-Inquisitor-Queen-Principal-Princess-Grand-Poobah Dolores Jane Umbridge. I have come to report the wrongdoings you nasty little creatures have been engaging in this Sunday. I haven't seen such disrespect since my last job at the Dairy Queen and had a full on M&M Blizzard uprising. NO M&M'S WITHIN FIVE CENTIMETERS OF EACH OTHER! Is that so hard to ask!? Filthy ingrates, the whole lot of you.
New decree! No talking about my tenure at the Dairy Queen. I'm still plucking sprinkles out of my...
MOVING ON!
School, where I will punish you in my pink office!
Unfortunately there was no school today. New decree! There will now be school on Sundays! I will teach you all how to dress so no man will ever want you and how to get that old lady smell. Then you can all live a bitter, sexless life like me and the only happiness you get is from punishing innocent children. Won't that be nice?
Dorms, where there shall be more punishing!
This morning I made an announcement over the intercom and showed off my beautiful singing skills. Cuban Pete was my stage name when I was an erotic dancer in the Heathrow airport. This was before Dairy Queen. You haven't seen punishment until I rehash my act from Heathrow. It was to Falco's "Rock Me Amadeus". Karal wakes up to a talky chinchilla. I don't know what that means but when I figure it out there will be a decree against it! Rory stays in bed and gets a visit from Luke. NO BOYS AND GIRLS TOGETHER! First it's just talking, then it's dating and next thing you know there are mad orgys in the hallways. Utter chaos! Bel wished he could stay in bed forever and his fellow rule breakers are chatting. Rikku wishes away her hangover. Hangovers are nature's way of saying that you should obey me and everything I say. John Sheppard takes Charlie on a swoop bike ride. She better had been eight inches away from you or I will...do something very bad to you! Yes! Like force you to dress like me! Oh, I'll do it. Don't think I won't. Troy gets an e-mail and human!A.J. asks him about a gift he thought Troy gave him. Rikku was consoling Jude who was upset about Sak. No consoling! Consoling usually involves touching and then we're back to orgys in the hallways. Namine goes to see Valentine and GOOD LORD DOES NO ONE FOLLOW THE RULES! If I had any real power I'd punish you all severely!
River is cooking lunch in the fifth floor common room. She and Jeff discuss the closet agenda. River and Evie discuss cooking. In the gym, John Sheppard set up for flag football practice. There is entirely too much touching in that game! Flags must be lengthen to at least six feet to prevent any accidental touching during the game. Can't have any orgys on the field. There is chatting, an obstacle course and a place for an audience. Nasty voyeurs. No more looking at people! New decree! Blindfolds must be worn at all times! Setsuna is on the roof with white hair and her wings out. Last I checked it wasn't Halloween. No celebrating holidays months in advance. It's like when convenience stores sell Christmas decorations in September! I hate that! I forbid that from happening here! Consider it decreed! Billy and Jude end up ticking her off and get thrown off the roof and down the stairs, respectively. Damn. She stole my ideas for new punishments. Now I'll have to punish her.
Dean is on the fourth floor, making hamburgers and watching coverage on Hurricane Dean. New decree! All hurricanes will now be named after me. Sabriel comes in with her pet spider and Dean offers her some food. Who keeps a spider as a pet? Dick wants a hurricane named after himself. I personally think Mr. Casablancas should have a golden statue of himself built in the center of town so we can all behold his manliness. I shall order that construction to start immediately! Dean shares Dick's hurricane enthusiasm and Sam makes fun of Dean for it.
Town, where I will punish you while performing a jaunty karaoke tune!
I see some of the people in this town aren't totally hopeless. Some of you have jobs. For instance, A.J. opened Luke's Diner and he receives a package while he's there. I try not to take packages from people ever since I received a box with a hole cut in it one Christmas. It contained...well, it was disgusting and totally inappropriate. That's why I broke up with my fiancée. It would have never worked out between us anyways. He was a lactose intolerant Cuban dictator, I was a manager of a Dairy Queen. Two different worlds. In more working news, Robin opened up the Magic Box, Leo opened the Photo Hut, Millie opened the Book Haven and Gabriel opened the church. That better be a church where you worship me and my utter rule over this school. And soon...the world! Mwahahahaha! In clinic news, Doogie and Stark had quiet shifts. That's because I haven't punished anyone today. Turtle opened Turtle and Canary and Jeff brought sandwiches he got from Luke's. YOU BETTER HAVE BEEN EATING THOSE AT LEAST TWO FEET AWAY FROM EACH OTHER! That's right! I just upped it to two feet! Fear my wrath!
Ronan is walking through the park. New decree! Ducks are forbidden to converse with one another! Try to plot a quacktastic uprising now! Chad runs into Ronan at the park and they have an awkward conversation about Ronan cooking for Chad and Teddy again. Cooking? Is that new lingo you kids are using for sex? NO MORE COOKING! If I can't cook then no one can! Rikku isn't cooking but she is drinking coffee at the Perk. If there is one person in this world who should be banned from coffee, it's her. New decree! Rikku can no longer have coffee or frappuchachos or whatever it is you kids drink these days. Deadpool drops in and Rikku warns him to stay away from me. That would make me very sad. I happen to find Mr. Deadpool very attractive. I know, I can act a little cold. But Dead-y, we can make this work. I'm an evil wench, you're a crazy guy with weapons. We're perfect for each other. Visit me soon. Barbossa has written a note and left town. That's too bad. He was the sexiest man in town. Er, he means nothing to me Deadpool! He's all looks, no substance! Lucifer and Wilson return from wherever they were breaking my rules to a waiting Aziraphale. Tinkerbell broke into her own store to get Animal an ugly pink dress. That's utter nonsense. As long as an item of clothing is pink there is no way it can be ugly! Just wait till my school uniform decree comes out. Pink sweaters for everyone!
Now bar news! Bars are evil places where dirtiness and inappropriate touching breed like...like a place where people are drinking alcohol. My analogies are always great and you will chuckle at that! Chuckle now, dammit! Anyways, at the Devil's Nest Kabuto was working the empty bar. Caritas was hopping perhaps due to GOB wielding his Sword of Destiny. I'm not impressed. Tino tried to hit D'Argo and got out of working. Lazy fool. If I were your boss I'd feed you to the rabid skunks I keep in my desk! Yes, I keep rabid skunks. Bet you don't want to disobey me now. First they'll stink you up and then they'll make you foam at the mouth. Barney stared at D'Argo and they talked of Letterman and tentacles. For a second there I thought that said test...well, something that shouldn't be spoken of. Ever. Joanna regretted talking to Barney and he probably regretted following her to the lounge. You're going to end up getting maced, dear. And as funny as that is, I want to be the one doing the macing in this town. Vala was worried about GOB with a sword. With any luck he'll cut his hand off or something. D'Argo was shocked Vala wasn't Aeryn and said he'd hit the next person that came in. So he hit Barney. That is highly inappropriate! New decree! No more doppelgangers in the school. They encourage violence. Current doppelgangers will have to have a limb taken off so we can easily distinguish you. Barney, who is dumber than I thought, tried to help GOB with his illusion. It didn't work. Color me surprised.
Tinkerbell and GOB seem to have a discussion about drinks and cleavage. Disgusting. There will be no talking of cleavage in this town! D'Argo blew on her and wondered about her cleavage aloud. Have the decency to keep your inner monologue to yourself! Tinkerbell hit on Animal. Barney took time away from stalking Joanna to hit on Tinkerbell. Well, looks like the new girl has the new men flocking to her. SHE MUST BE STOPPED! New decree! No hitting on Tinkerbell! Actually, no hitting on anyone that isn't me! Joanna drank and thought GOB was strange. Join the club. Buster wondered if the sword was going to be used for sushi. I hate sushi. New decree! No more sushi...ever! And Robin was singing about red and black and...something. Perhaps Checkers. Steve wondered if Tinkerbell was Jan. And GOB lined up shots for Animal.
Such lack of respect! I am the Empress of this school and you all will treat me as such! I am now adding Empress to my title! That's right! This is Empress-Headmaster-High-Inquisitor-Queen-Principal-Princess-Grand-Poobah Dolores Jane Umbridge signing off!
[
umbitch's identity totally stolen with permission. I really want Dairy Queen now.]
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