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fandom_radio2012-09-10 12:14 am
gladigotburned.livejournal.com) wrote in fandom_radio2012-09-10 12:14 am
Fandom Radio, Monday, September 10
Oh, good, it's the squirrels again. With more papers. You don't even have opposable thumbs. How do you hold the -- well, there's an idea for a research project for a rainy day. Look, we're going to have to work on a way for you to relay your data without me having to look at your little rodent selves -- have I mentioned how stupid those bushy tails make you look? -- but as long as you're here, just give me those notes.
. . . and just for the record, those hats look stupid on you, too. It's a scientific fact. You might want to look into doing something about that instead of spending all your time spying on the biological lifeforms. You can't possibly be that desperately bored.
Classes
No school yesterday? You do have a rudimentary concept of time.
And how to waste it.
Dorms
With things like a beach party I might talk about eventually if I feel like it, because I really don't care about your pointless social interactions. Mashing your fingers in a door for fun would be just as productive. Olive left early, and I'd say she realized how pointless the party was except she found a new way to waste time by sending text messages. And then Toby came by to contribute yet another time-wasting technique. Conversation. You know, that thing you do that wastes air, too? Toby's very proud of avoiding grievous bodily harm while he's a girl. So far. The operative phrase is so far. Olive pointed that out. Toby said he could always tell when she's lying. Maybe he's part polygraph machine.
Now, about this sudden upswing in the number of females this weekend. Did everyone get exposed to some piece of experimental equipment for too long? That happens sometimes. One of the limitations to being stuck with a physical body, like having to adjust to new parts, the way Alec did while trying to work on archery training in the preserve. Jace thought the new experimental anatomy issue meant he should get a free pass on training. For safety reasons? That would be an insignificant concern. Know what would be a significant concern? Alec's sister possibly coming to visit and witnessing some of Fandom's . . . irregularities.
To Alec, anyway.
Town
So, some of you've got some new equipment. Why not experiment a little? That's what Sparkle did with the clothes at Demon Marcus. Cade was there to get Sparkle's help looking for a flattering bikini, and Alec came in and exhibited general cluelessness about his current feminine appearance, thereby validating Sparkle's decision to give him a makeover.
Coulson, also equipped with female anatomy, was at Wellspring Arms sharpening high heels as a weapon contingency plan. Sharp, pointy . . . hmm. A little crude and low-tech, but should induce acceptable levels of pain, by my estimate.
Stark was at the clinic, and did you guess Stark was also a girl? Because as much as I hate to give you any credit whatsoever, you'd be right. The nurses thought so, too. Meanwhile, at Stark-No-Relation Industries, Tony was working on a gauntlet and did not have any of the pink cupcakes the clinic had.
Aw. That's tragic.
But funny.
At the Devil's Nest, where Tiny was also female, and Jaina was trying not to look. That always works so well. Kenzi and Toby -- also a girl, in case you weren't paying attention earlier and I'm not going to assume you weren't -- were dancing and enjoying the unique and possibly irreproducible circumstance of being the same height. Eric's skimpy dress meant two things: that Eric was also female, because I have to spell these things out for you in giant crayon letters, and Jaina had to wonder if he had a hot date.
Why can't you people just stay in suspended animation most of the time? It keeps things so much simpler.
For me.
Because otherwise you do things like throw a beach party, thanks so much, Cade and Atton. And all of you other people who showed up. Olive was jealous of Cade's . . . assets, which don't include the hockey stick Topher was wondering about. Topher, for the record, told Cade that hygiene was less important than minimizing contact with his newly acquired physiology, and got instructions from Atton on where to leave drinks. These things wouldn't be a problem if you didn't have to deal with that whole stupid staying-hydrated issue, you know. Stiles apologized to Atton for only bringing mixers -- you have drinks with flavors, what are you all complaining about -- and talked to Topher about Cade's Dorito aversion and . . .
*brief burst of garbled hyper-sped-up talking*
--right, where was I? Oh. Stiles not being surprised about Cade taking advantage of the opportunity to wear a bikini, and making sure Cade's aware of clothing return policies where thongs are concerned. Jim -- yes, also a girl -- brought his roommate, currently in the form of a Dynamic Edgeless Safety Cube that may or may not be female but was definitely named Jackson to the party, and bounced him around with Atton. Cade and Jim projected a little deranged loneliness onto each other and onto spherical Jackson, who went for a little swim. Unfortunately buoyant, apparently.
Jim must have gotten girls' clothing designed by someone with a degree in fashion, since it fit so well that Olive thought he might always be a girl. She figured out otherwise, but that didn't keep Jim from making her guess anyway. According to Cade, Liara's prettier than a Twi'lek. Maybe that's code for something. Maybe it's code for something that isn't a compliment at all. I don't actually care. Atton calling Sia "Marsie" helped her figure out who he was when he doesn't look like a girl, so his trickery obviously needs some work. Sia apologized to Stiles for not warning him things like this happen, unnecessarily. Stiles didn't seem to have a problem with it. Olive and Sia were surprised that the boys weren't being more insufferable today. They're teenage boys. They're insufferable by default, so Olive and Sia's optimism was sadly misplaced.
Tsk. Lex had to tell Atton where his eyes were located. As if that changed along with his usual body. This isn't reflecting very well on Atton, and neither is Olive's pessimism about his taste in whiskey. She was jealous of how good they looked, too.
We all have our shortcomings, you know. Except me.
Topher does, though. He was so pitifully glad Olive wasn't wearing a bikini, he might as well have had a "TRAUMATIZE ME, I'M AFRAID OF ANATOMY" sign on his back. I do have a few of those around, actually. Minako demonstrated an unfortunate focus on concerns of legality when she asked Olive about drinking ages in America. Atton, on the other hand, was more concerned about the supply of drinks and whether George and George's current female physiology brought any for the party. Jessica wasn't sure where the bikinis came from. Topher was working on the hypothesis that they came from porn, at least until he decided to -- to go --
*high-pitched, super-sped-up garble for a second*
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? WHY WOULD YOU MAKE THEM ANGRY?
Oh right where was I. Yes. Olive advised Jessica not to think too much about where the bikinis came from, and congratulated herself, probably excessively, for being prepared with pants in case something like this happens to her. Jessica also worried about her bikini-shopping comfort level being inferior to Atton's, but that's all right. Atton wanted to trade for his old body back anyway. I do know a few market sources for that, you know . . .
But you can't have them.
Stiles discussed his anti-bikini stance with Olive, and Minako didn't understand why boys would throw a party just because they were suddenly girls. Jessica thought "Cade and Atton" was enough of an explanation. Not a very scientific one. Oh, well. I can't expect too much from any of you, not with all the mingling and drinking you were doing.
It's almost like you had fun. Are you happy with yourselves? Because you shouldn't be. There wasn't any cake. What kind of party was that? I'm making a note in all your files: Fails At Parties, Hates Cake, and Is Clearly Hopeless.
You can spend the rest of your day thinking about that. Have fun.
. . . and just for the record, those hats look stupid on you, too. It's a scientific fact. You might want to look into doing something about that instead of spending all your time spying on the biological lifeforms. You can't possibly be that desperately bored.
Classes
No school yesterday? You do have a rudimentary concept of time.
And how to waste it.
Dorms
With things like a beach party I might talk about eventually if I feel like it, because I really don't care about your pointless social interactions. Mashing your fingers in a door for fun would be just as productive. Olive left early, and I'd say she realized how pointless the party was except she found a new way to waste time by sending text messages. And then Toby came by to contribute yet another time-wasting technique. Conversation. You know, that thing you do that wastes air, too? Toby's very proud of avoiding grievous bodily harm while he's a girl. So far. The operative phrase is so far. Olive pointed that out. Toby said he could always tell when she's lying. Maybe he's part polygraph machine.
Now, about this sudden upswing in the number of females this weekend. Did everyone get exposed to some piece of experimental equipment for too long? That happens sometimes. One of the limitations to being stuck with a physical body, like having to adjust to new parts, the way Alec did while trying to work on archery training in the preserve. Jace thought the new experimental anatomy issue meant he should get a free pass on training. For safety reasons? That would be an insignificant concern. Know what would be a significant concern? Alec's sister possibly coming to visit and witnessing some of Fandom's . . . irregularities.
To Alec, anyway.
Town
So, some of you've got some new equipment. Why not experiment a little? That's what Sparkle did with the clothes at Demon Marcus. Cade was there to get Sparkle's help looking for a flattering bikini, and Alec came in and exhibited general cluelessness about his current feminine appearance, thereby validating Sparkle's decision to give him a makeover.
Coulson, also equipped with female anatomy, was at Wellspring Arms sharpening high heels as a weapon contingency plan. Sharp, pointy . . . hmm. A little crude and low-tech, but should induce acceptable levels of pain, by my estimate.
Stark was at the clinic, and did you guess Stark was also a girl? Because as much as I hate to give you any credit whatsoever, you'd be right. The nurses thought so, too. Meanwhile, at Stark-No-Relation Industries, Tony was working on a gauntlet and did not have any of the pink cupcakes the clinic had.
Aw. That's tragic.
But funny.
At the Devil's Nest, where Tiny was also female, and Jaina was trying not to look. That always works so well. Kenzi and Toby -- also a girl, in case you weren't paying attention earlier and I'm not going to assume you weren't -- were dancing and enjoying the unique and possibly irreproducible circumstance of being the same height. Eric's skimpy dress meant two things: that Eric was also female, because I have to spell these things out for you in giant crayon letters, and Jaina had to wonder if he had a hot date.
Why can't you people just stay in suspended animation most of the time? It keeps things so much simpler.
For me.
Because otherwise you do things like throw a beach party, thanks so much, Cade and Atton. And all of you other people who showed up. Olive was jealous of Cade's . . . assets, which don't include the hockey stick Topher was wondering about. Topher, for the record, told Cade that hygiene was less important than minimizing contact with his newly acquired physiology, and got instructions from Atton on where to leave drinks. These things wouldn't be a problem if you didn't have to deal with that whole stupid staying-hydrated issue, you know. Stiles apologized to Atton for only bringing mixers -- you have drinks with flavors, what are you all complaining about -- and talked to Topher about Cade's Dorito aversion and . . .
*brief burst of garbled hyper-sped-up talking*
--right, where was I? Oh. Stiles not being surprised about Cade taking advantage of the opportunity to wear a bikini, and making sure Cade's aware of clothing return policies where thongs are concerned. Jim -- yes, also a girl -- brought his roommate, currently in the form of a Dynamic Edgeless Safety Cube that may or may not be female but was definitely named Jackson to the party, and bounced him around with Atton. Cade and Jim projected a little deranged loneliness onto each other and onto spherical Jackson, who went for a little swim. Unfortunately buoyant, apparently.
Jim must have gotten girls' clothing designed by someone with a degree in fashion, since it fit so well that Olive thought he might always be a girl. She figured out otherwise, but that didn't keep Jim from making her guess anyway. According to Cade, Liara's prettier than a Twi'lek. Maybe that's code for something. Maybe it's code for something that isn't a compliment at all. I don't actually care. Atton calling Sia "Marsie" helped her figure out who he was when he doesn't look like a girl, so his trickery obviously needs some work. Sia apologized to Stiles for not warning him things like this happen, unnecessarily. Stiles didn't seem to have a problem with it. Olive and Sia were surprised that the boys weren't being more insufferable today. They're teenage boys. They're insufferable by default, so Olive and Sia's optimism was sadly misplaced.
Tsk. Lex had to tell Atton where his eyes were located. As if that changed along with his usual body. This isn't reflecting very well on Atton, and neither is Olive's pessimism about his taste in whiskey. She was jealous of how good they looked, too.
We all have our shortcomings, you know. Except me.
Topher does, though. He was so pitifully glad Olive wasn't wearing a bikini, he might as well have had a "TRAUMATIZE ME, I'M AFRAID OF ANATOMY" sign on his back. I do have a few of those around, actually. Minako demonstrated an unfortunate focus on concerns of legality when she asked Olive about drinking ages in America. Atton, on the other hand, was more concerned about the supply of drinks and whether George and George's current female physiology brought any for the party. Jessica wasn't sure where the bikinis came from. Topher was working on the hypothesis that they came from porn, at least until he decided to -- to go --
*high-pitched, super-sped-up garble for a second*
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? WHY WOULD YOU MAKE THEM ANGRY?
Oh right where was I. Yes. Olive advised Jessica not to think too much about where the bikinis came from, and congratulated herself, probably excessively, for being prepared with pants in case something like this happens to her. Jessica also worried about her bikini-shopping comfort level being inferior to Atton's, but that's all right. Atton wanted to trade for his old body back anyway. I do know a few market sources for that, you know . . .
But you can't have them.
Stiles discussed his anti-bikini stance with Olive, and Minako didn't understand why boys would throw a party just because they were suddenly girls. Jessica thought "Cade and Atton" was enough of an explanation. Not a very scientific one. Oh, well. I can't expect too much from any of you, not with all the mingling and drinking you were doing.
It's almost like you had fun. Are you happy with yourselves? Because you shouldn't be. There wasn't any cake. What kind of party was that? I'm making a note in all your files: Fails At Parties, Hates Cake, and Is Clearly Hopeless.
You can spend the rest of your day thinking about that. Have fun.