The broadcast begins with sound of creaking doors, followed by some creepy organ music.
"'And a love of the rack and the screw.
And I said I do, I do.
So daddy, I'm finally through.
The black telephone's off at the root,
The voices just can't worm through.'
However, tonight you this particular voice shall worm through to the hearts and minds of all of you. You might recognize my voice as that of Cally, but tonight I am Mistress Persephone, dark lord of the airwaves." The giggle that follows, however, is neither menacing or maniacal enough to qualify her for dark lord status of anything. Except perhaps dark lord of giggles.
"Today thankfully, we all didn't have class. Except me, cause I have class every day." A few moments of dead air. "Oh, okay, not funny. Erm, let me just fiddle with my papers for a second, cause... erm... somewhere, yes, ha, there.
I'm just gonna read these events as I find the notes, okay folks? As dark lord of the airwaves, I don't have to answer to anything, and stuff. So, here is the news of today.
First, Mister Phale and Doctor Wilson
talked about Angel's soul. Which, I have to say, is a very important topic of the day. So, like, take a shot every time I say soul or Angel tonight, and you'll wake up with alcohol poisoning and might be, like, half naked and handcuffed to Anakin.
Locker 327 spewed out
Professor Cregg and The Doctor. Apparently, they've become teenagers. Great. Old people in teenaged bodies? How creepy is that. So, everybody know this now, so you don't accidently, like, let one of them kiss you or something. They are old people! Noooo!
Speaking of 'Old People, No', naughtiness occured
with Professors Grissom and Sidle. Which, again, ew. Only young people have sex. This is me in Rory-level denial. Lalalalalala.
The creepy mean Principal was in his office
today. Where Jakey Gavin left a gift, and Logan and Cole-who-probably-was-Angel, take a shot, visited as well.
And returning to ew, Doctor House and Professor Quayle
woke up together. This would be adorable if it didn't again indicate old people sex. Ew, ew, ew.
Thankfully a break from the icky subject that has dominated the broadcast so far, and believe me I hate having to use the word dominated in a negative sense. I kinda like the word, myself, cause... okay, getting off topic. Gun Club
! It met today. They probably shot guns. But don't take my word for it. You should all personally pester Parker about it. Cause she's a lovely, friendly person who would give the time of day to a war veteran leper after giving him a hot meal and a fresh set of clothes. Honest.
Oh, and on a subject that has nothing to do with Lepers, here is a report from Caritas, where I have never spilt milk all over myself. Ever." There is a slight cough. "Okay, anyways, Mister Gob
has a lot of scotch, which leads to singing
, which leads to pouting
which leads to the dark side
. Weevil, who kinda sounds like he's either a bug or possible a tiny bit of bad, get it, wee evil, tiny bad, it's a pun, and... it's not funny when I explain it, so, erm, anyways he totally talked with Nadia
about cows and Lorne and stuff. And then Walter eavesdrops about cows
. Cows? Cows. And then Bel-Who-Is-In-Angel
, take a shot, goes to get smashed like my poor room window.
Oh, and going to the other establish-o-ment of the old glug-a-lug, Spike's has a fair amount of activity. First, Loz hits on Teenage-Cregg
, which is creepy on the concept of ew. Oh dear frakking gods, my notes say that Shep comes in and CJ screws with him
. Ew, ew, ew, ew, EW. EW. Did I mention ew? Ew. Come on Shep, that's an old person in a young body! No! Ew!
Oh... wait. Screws with his mind, not just screws with him. That's... better, I guess. Still, Ew. And then Lana hears this all goin' on
, and understandably gets upset. And then there's a scuffle or a kerfluffle, and... whoa, Lana hit Teenage-Cregg! That's... oh gods, that's... Eek. I hope Lana doesn't get in trouble for that. It wasn't on campus, so... eek. Just... eek.
In less eek-tastic news at Spike's, Ivanova
moped a little, poor girl. Someone needs to make friends with her, or something. You know what? I'm gonna track you down. If you need a friend, I'm gonna offer to be one. Cause no one should drink alone. Oh, and Ben from the Emporium
was drinking alone too, poor guy. But, isn't he married or something? To the other guy at the Emporium? How come they aren't drinkin' together?
And from the establishment that serves books not booze, Aziraphale's, there was a little bit of act-a-tivit-atee, with the sharing of tea
, the fixing of a sink
, and Bel-in-Angel
, take a shot, visits to talk to the angel... does that count? I mean, it's not referring to Angel, but it is an
angel, just not with a capital a. So, I guess take a shot! Take three, actually, since I said angel twice after that. Oh, and one more for that one.
Aww, Pippi was in the clinic
, so Blair came to visit her. You go with the being nice, Blair. Good for you.
Izzy and Xander hung out in their room
, until a Mountie
burrows in the window.
Wait, no... borrows their window. Gosh, I suck at reading. Go me.
Okay, and here's the confusiminating part of the broadcast, that has been hinted at earlier. Bel is in Angel's, take a shot, body
, while Angel, take a shot, is in Bel's
. Apparently some sort of soul, take a shot, transfer. Don't ask me to understand it. But, like, Phoebe freaks out and cries, and Callisto freaks out and ends up dangling upside down in her room, stark naked. And I got to see it. I mean, erm... well, Parker and Blair discovered
her, well, but the door was locked. So they called me, so ABC Damage Control, minus the B, cause Bridge wasn't there at the time, came to take out the door
. And then Angel, take a shot, in-Bel showed up, and some other folks, and there was a photo shoot
Oh, and also with all that, Phoebe continued to cry
, until Bel-in-Angel, take a shot, showed up to comfort her. Poor Phoebe. Geeze, it's like she only gets to cry. Sewiously. Poor thing.
Also in the confusing soul, take a shot, swap series of events: Bel-in-Angel, take a shot, confused Veronica
. G'uh. Confusion all over the place tonight.
Less confusing things that happened were: Nadia's hangover
, Alanna's cat
telling her about the Bel-Angel, take a shot, situation, Ivanova-needs-more-friends was spazzy
, and Piper and Alanna
try to answer the age old question 'How do you solve a problem like
Bel and Angel, take a shot, having soul, take a shot, swapped?
But again with the confusing, Cameron 'Doofus' Mitchell and John 'Pudgeboy' Crichton dressed identically
to confuse their girlfriends. Good job, dorks.
And in a series of wacky misadventures, Jakey Gavin, who totally did not give Anders a box of flavored condoms today, lost his hand
. I mean, seriously. My notes say it got chopped off and stuff. Well, the specific notes say 'Oh noes, Jakey's hand', but seriously. Eek. Somehow, dismembered hand turns into a wee tiny Jakey Gavin. Wee Jakey runs into Rory and Vladdie
, and she gives Wee Jakey a dress. Then, Wee Jakey in his dress, riding Vladdie, runs into Jaye, and Logan, and Anders
, who is totally useful, and special, and awesome, and so much better than everyone on this entire frakking planet.
...Okay, that was a bit of a digression. But then Vladdie abandons poor Wee Jakey, who runs into Sam Carter
, who takes Wee Jakey to the Tick.. I think that's the full adventures of Wee Jakey. I think.
Phoebe, wow, was comforted by Professor Camelses
. And she stopped crying, yay! Go Professor Camelses!John and Aeryn
have a serious conversation. So serious I can't even pronounce serious cutely, like as in sewious, because it's too serious for me to say it was sewious. Seriously.The coolest guy in all thirteen colonies
, my boyfriend Anders, discovered our broken window. It sucks. And then we chatted, and I got ready for radio, and we snuggled, and we are the bestest couple ever.
And in the not-so-much-the-bestest-couple-ever, cause they aren't dating, Sam and Lee
, talked about slippers and... anti-depression. So, happiness? Who writes these notes. Anti-depression is, like, joy and stuff. Yay Lee and joy! Lee needs to be happier. He deserves it. Oh, and they went to the bakery
! Yay baked goods and happy!
Oh, and see how reading these notes in this random order gets weird? Now I have Shep talking sex
with Lana in the gym. Yeah, look how that turned out for them. Poor guys. Oh, and here's The Doctor and Professor Cregg
getting sucked into Locker 327. Oops. Maybe I should be more organized if I do this again. Like, come in earlier and sort through the noteses and stuff. Cause this is getting confusing. Oh well, Anders snuggles win out over organized radio, sorry.
Cam and Logan talked sex too
! With Molly? WHAT?! MOLLY HAD SEX WITH LOGAN?!"
There is a short pause, followed by some half muttered sounds along the lines of 'motherfrakker'.
"A-hem. Sorry about that. And also with the... gods-frakking-dammit. I fail at reading again. Molly and Logan did not have sex. They talked about it, and Cam talked to Logan about talking about sex with Molly. G'uh. That's so much clearer, right?
Bel-in-Angel, take a shot, talked with lots of folks!
Those folks including Shep, Alanna's cat Faithful, Jessica Tate, and Pip.
Rory was in the second floor common room
, where lots of other folks were too. But not Angel, take a shot,in-Bel, or Bel-in-Angel, take a shot, though.
Okay, now I'm just being mean and throwing those around just to get people drunk. Hee!
Oh, and Walter and his creepy yet hella cute puppy
were up in the fifth floor common room, and such wonderful folks like Jakey, Aeryn, my awesome boyfriend Anders, and myself stopped by.Soccer!
With Ed Elric, Al Elric, and Sakura. And... they're the frakkers who broke our window! Oh my gods! I hate you! You made my boyfriend emo! Shame!
Awwww, Angel, take a shot, in-Bel got to enjoy the sun
. At least something really nice got to happen. So awesome.
...and now my notes say Cam
played with himself on the roof in leater. That's
Also on the roof, Pip and Pippi
start a party! Woo! Go freshman! Just be careful of the Viper!Peter Parker
picks a peck of pickled peppers... or watched TV. Your pick. One of those happened. The other didn't. It's like one of those choose-your-own-adventure books.
And apparently Archie and... my boyfriend got into a fight there
. That's... frak me, Anders, you said you were gonna be okay! You... motherfrakker! I hate you, Archie. Look what you made my boyfriend do. Grr!Pip, the Tick, and the creepy teens Cregg and the Doctor
all go to the movies. Ivanova-still-needs-friends
has a mysterious bruise. Creeeeepy.
Okay... these notes are long, so I'm just going to quote them for this crazy event
, okay? So, apparently 'Eeeee! Best ever! So GOB mocks Fraser just outside the school to get him to come out, and tries to pick a fight with the sexy Mountie. Becky's all eyerolly and Fraser totally tries to play relationship counselor for GOB and Becky, only they're not having it, and GOB stalks off and Becky flirts with Fraser some more like a bitch.' Cwazy. Who does these notes, Barbara? Can I call you Barbara? I think it suits you. Barbara, the fearsome pirate. Arrr.
Oh, and Xander, he of the cursed tux, hung well
... some posters. Okay, that was a dumb joke, and the phrasing was kinda goofy, but I thought it was funny. Laugh? Please?
Oh, and Bel-in-Angel, take a shot
, talked with Doctor Wilson about giving Angel, take a shot, his soul, take a shot, back.Shep and Lana
get waterballooned by a mysterious waterballoon assaulter! Also? I'd avoid the bakery. Not because I'm some idiot who says Oh-Em-Gee-Double-You-Tee-Eff-Carbs-Are-
Bad, but more cause everyone who goes there gets attacked with waterballoons
And on the waterballoon note? I think I got everything covered. But just cause I'm mean, before I sign off...
Angel, Angel, Angel, Soul, Soul, Soul, Angel, Soul, Angel, Angel! Ha!
And now, I, Mistress Persephone, leave the microphone and stuff. I was going to talk about how I was gonna now go back to being Cally, and, like, taunt Rory about having sex with Anders when I get back to my room. Except the frakking idiot had to go and get himself into a fight with Archie, and now I'm all grrr, and I'm prolly gonna, like, bite his ear off or something. Grrr. Arrgh.
Why are boys so stupid?!"